3:58 pm
ARG.
And, I’m at 30 days today! Yay for me. Now, can we move on?
For some reason, I don’t want to let people at AA know it’s my 30 days today. I might not. I guess it’s just that this is, and always will be — and is becoming more and more so — a private affair. No matter how much talking and sharing there is (I have only shared once here and that was at a women’s meeting; I talk to people AFTER the meetings, and I have made some friends, on a positive note), it’s still private, my own. I don’t care to let anyone know anymore that I’m sober/getting sober, based on the reaction I got this summer when I told people and they reacted negatively or with indifference. I also feel like I’ve come a long way, going to these meetings as a form of therapy: it really doesn’t matter to me if anyone knows, the only pat on the shoulder I need is from myself.
I’ll probably force myself to take the chip and let people know, but… I really don’t want to.
I guess I’m an impatient person; but, when one has a million things to do BESIDES DRINKING — and when one finally realizes this and wants to bust a move and do something about it — going to a meeting and listening to people talk about their “disease” and about “not drinking no matter what;” well, it just seems like a waste of time. And, I find myself having to schedule — and disrupt — my day around it. Like, by the time I get my day rolling, I’ve got to go to this meeting. Which when all is said and done will take three hours, not one, counting driving there, errands (why not, I’m en route), etc.
ARG.
Whatever. There are much larger things to bitch and moan about, but still. I want to do shit, not heal, damn it! 😉
So, another day where I will have done nothing, really, but hit a meeting and not drink. Well, I walked the dog to the ocean, which was gorgeous (and I was sober and not hung over, which, if I painfully recall, I was the last time I was down at this beach = oof, that hangover hurt like a mofo). In fact, sitting there is going to be a trigger for me, mainly because I want to be doing other stuff that does not involve drinking, talking about drinking, or not drinking.
90 meetings in 90 days? I am definitely counting them down, and don’t plan to go to any more after I hit 90. While it’s helping, I likely would not go if I was only doing it for myself. Luckily, I can think beyond my immediate “wants” again and just do it, even if I don’t really know why.
9 meetings today, 30 days today!
Now, can we move on?
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Congratulations on your 30 days. Sometimes I think the main reason to pick up a chip is to show others (maybe someone that’s desparate and only has 1 day) that it CAN be done.
I don’t want to go to my meetiing tonight. I’d rather stay home and watch TV. Or play on the computer. Or read. Or sleep. But they say the main time to go to a meeting is when you don’t want to. So I will. Or i may find myself back to drinking compulsively and that’s very fucking scary to me.
I’m going to Las Vegas Thursday. There will be a lot of drinking going on in those casinos. Will I have jealousy pangs? For awhile. But I’ll get over it. I’ll have 11 months in a couple of days and I’m still at the stage where I think about it. But when i think it THROUGH I realize how fucked up things could get with me. With us. Because we’re all in this together when you get right down to it. We think different and we drink different form “normal ” people. Just the luck of the draw I guess!
Hang in thre Drunky Drunk Girl…you’ve come further than you know.
I really appreciate your comments! Thanks, and thanks for taking me out of my head and realizing that YES, it might benefit someone other than myself to have made 30. In fact, there was a guy at the meeting last night who was on day 1, and I hope that my chip signified hope to him. Yup, thinking it through is essential, and hard work, I must say. But, I’ll be damned if I’m caving before my 90 days, and, at 90, I’m *hoping* I’ll feel stronger and even more committed (and not even caring about drinking) than I do at 30. 🙂
Good for you on your 30 Days! i so understand about how meetings can be a pain the ass, but still i go, especially when i feel like i’m losing my center. Anyway, i’m glad to hear you’re doing so well!
Thank you! It’s so nice to have the support, from the web and AA meetings. There’s something to it, I’ve found — the community, the people understanding where you’re coming from, and everyone taking it as seriously as you. I ended up taking my 30-day chip, along with a hug and some applause, and it made me realize, Hell yeah, this is a GOOD thing (even if no one else really cares or knows, for that matter, among my non-sober friends and/or family)! Here’s to 31… 🙂
hooray hooray for you 🙂 it it’s working, don’t change anything 🙂 keep the sober car rolling no matter what. I also (now) feel like i’ve got this gigantic long list of things i need to do, now that i’m sober, and it’s truly a very wonderful feeling (if at times a bit manic). So glad you’ve found the beginnings of a new life sans booze. If you think this rocks, just wait, it gets better and better (and easier and easier)! can’t wait to celebrate 90 days with ya. Did i say hooray yet? Hooray Hooray for you 🙂
Thanks, Belle! I honestly could not have done it without your and other bloggers’ support. It does feel different this time, like I’ve committed and am just going to see where it takes me. I have so many new thoughts about sobriety, but also about what to do next. Being alive isn’t all that irritating all the time anymore either. :))) 90, here I come!