12:07 am
Yes, really.
I’m SO tired, so I’ll make it short: today was a very good day, mainly because it was full, it was sober, and it was all OK. I never thought I’d see the day where I could get up at 7, make a meeting by 8, swim by 11, go furniture shopping and grocery shopping and cook and cook some more and talk to my entire family, ALL ON A SUNDAY (“every day is like Sunday, silent and gray”) — and be OK with not drinking during any of it.
MOI? I can’t believe it, but even for me, the mental cravings have diminished to the point of simply putting up with them, like spiders, rather than having to fend off the flailing, wet hands trying to pull me down to the empty grave.
So, yes. Tired, but good tired. And, not at all vexed; it will all get done, it will all work out, and if it doesn’t, then, well, something sure-as-shit-else will! 😉
Seriously. I never in a hundred lifetimes believed that I would be even close to being able to say, I don’t really feel like drinking. But, I don’t. Every day sans The Grape just reinforces that yes, I can make it through the days, the hours, the events, the emotions without drinking. And, I can do it fairly well, not just grinning and bearing it. I never thought the mental cravings would subside to the extent that they have, but, well, they have. Maybe I’ve just shoved them so far down that…? Or, maybe, the “wolf voice” is getting quieter and quieter in favor of the other, stronger “I need to get this done now so please shut it” Buddha voice within?
Rambling. Anyway, this morning, swimming with a new friend who is about 17 years sober, I was like, Ellen, isn’t not drinking enough? I whined, Can’t I just not think about not drinking for a while? Can’t I just not drink? And she was like, That’s exactly what you should do, and I think if you shared that at a meeting, you’d probably get applause. I’ve become tired of thinking about the steps, the confessions, the staring-down-of-self, the wonderings about God and a higher power and What It All Means. I have. So much so that I feel like I’d be bursting everyone’s AA bubble at meetings if I just came out and said, I don’t drink because drinking makes me feel shitty and hung over the next day. Isn’t that enough?
It is. I know it is. I’ll keep going to meetings, but for now, I’m just glad to FINALLY — after almost FIVE months of pretty solid sobriety — feel like I’ve reached the other side and am looking back over my shoulder, panting and breathing a sigh of relief.
Maybe I’ve given up on it working, on it fixing anything, on fixing anything/it? Good. Maybe I’m too tired, or vain (wine gut, hello?) to drink like I used to, which was alcoholically? Great. Maybe I’m just tired of fighting the urge — which actually stresses me out — that comes after the first drink and that I can’t resist so I give up before I try? Fine. Maybe one more hangover might actually, veritably kill me? Yes.
No matter what it is, I am not drinking and not really wanting to drink. And feeling safe in that. Looking back over the trail, marveling at how I got here. The wolf is at bay, licking the dust I kicked into its eye after running it down and stomping on its head.
Good night, friends, and thanks one and all.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Hi Drunky Drunk Girl:
I feel the same way about meetings for the most part. Who wants to think about all their fucking faults and characture defects? I’m more of an “external” thinking person. I can’t stand to dwell on my self..I’m always thinking about outside matters. I went to meetings for 6 years or so. After another 6 years with no meetings I got drunk one day due to more stress than I could handle (I found out my husband was a crack head and said fuck it) The next day I was sick so I didn’t drink again for 3 years. But when I did, I REALLY did,for 2 years. Can we blame this on not going to meetings? Possibly. I’m quite sure that if I was still in AA at the time I wouldn’t have drank until, much to my surprise, I couldn’t stop the compulsions.
So I’m back. Quite frankly, fear keeps me there. And that ain’t a bad thing!
I loved the last post too. Just read them back to back this morning. There is nothing magical about 12-step organizations, it’s the fellowship. No matter what we are recovering from we need each other to see each other through. Every time, EVERY TIME, I read your posts I am grateful that I stumbled across your blog. You are doing an incredible job journaling the twisted emotions of getting sober. I’m with your other sober friend. Share exactly what you feel at at the meeting. It’s not about the drinking. It’s about not drinking any longer so you can get on with your life. Lots of love, lisa
Thank you! I’m not sure if I replied to your comments, but yes, I’m learning that the only magical thing out there is the change I’m feeling…drop by drop, slowly but surely. And, of course, the days down here, on island, do feel magical at times. Love reading your blog, too, Lisa. Thank you, again…
Oh, btw, a few peeps in AA last night were like, DDG, you’re smart, we get that, but, you can’t intellectualize this program. Huh. What does that MEAN? 😉
I love that you see your intellect is not serving you in recovery. Go with it. Just like you do your writing. You’ll be fine … I promise. It reminds me of my kids eating stir-fry. They want to talk about what everything tastes like and try and figure it out so they can put the f**ing piece in their mouth. SO the question of life has become: If we don’t know what a snow pea tastes like raw and we hate it anyway because of how it looks … what will it taste like cooked with other veggies in oil … what if part of it is cooked more than the other part of it … will I like the texture in my mouth, blah blah ???
Answer: Eat it, if you don’t like it try something else. But you have to try it first.
Not to worry about reply. We are all busy. I feel fortunate to have connected. Lisa
Haha. Try it and see. I cannot tell you how long it’s taken me to go from wondering and analyzing AA to now, where I’m just like, Eh, let’s just see about this stuff. Wow. I am truly obsessive! Then again, it’s a good trait to have a scientist/science writer. 🙂
Love your veggie analogy! I think about how to cook veggies, but, um, not that much! ONE thing that I don’t obsess over… 😉