11:40 pm
What do any of these have to do with drinking, say you?
NOTHING! And, finally. FI-NA-LLY.
Yup, I’ve been thinking about drinking for so damn long, and thinking about not drinking for even longer–and then subjecting y’all to it for almost as long–that it feels like such a reprieve to finally be moving along. Getting on with things. Having nothing more to say about it, at least at this very moment. (Oh, sure, I have plenty more to say about drinking, but today, at 9 weeks sober, I’m going to let it go for the night!)
Homemade icing, lunch date, avocado tree. Also, fostering a dog (well, she used to belong to our neighbor, but she left island and decided to ditch her dog; we picked her up today and brought her home). And, getting a call-back on a possible job down here, in a field that I’ve been trying/dying to get into for many years (not journalism-related, and I’ll go into deets/keep you posted if anything transpires). Yeah, all these things have happened in my life recently. And, while it’s not directly due to my having quit drinking, all of what is transpiring is definitely a result of that choice. It’s like, as the road continues after the fork, I’m coming up on an oasis. I get to see the awesome trees and cool clouds and interesting shrubs along the side as I pass. I get to notice these things, appreciate them, make them a part of my life and my memory. I choose to. Instead of putting all my energy into living life to drink, I’m now free up to live my life to…live.
Homemade icing: I made buttercream frosting for two cakes I recently baked. OMG yum. How have I never made frosting from scratch before? There’s really nothing quite as exciting (the word “gleeful” comes to mind) as a big old electric mixer. AND, butter plus powered sugar = hello, what’s not to like? My raging sweet tooth continues to have me hoovering up every sweet and carb in sight, but at least I’ve got my swimming to burn off the calories, if I, um, actually get up and go in the mornings. (Tap, tap, tap, WHEN is my boyfriend getting home? There’s a freshly frosted cake in the fridge, waiting to be ceremoniously cut and devoured! Hmm… Would it be so bad if I just sliced into it and snarfed down a corner piece?)
Lunch date: I finally took the initiative and made a lunch date with a new AA friend for tomorrow. It’s not that I haven’t gone out, or shared a meal, or invited people to do stuff with me since I’ve been here–wait, haven’t I? I don’t think I’ve gone out in search of my own friends and then actually invited one or all of them out, actually, since I’ve been here. Sigh. It’s hard starting over, but even harder (I’m finding) as a sober person who, until quite recently, didn’t really see the point of hanging out without wine involved. Sad, but true. Since getting sober, I can count on ONE hand the number of times I’ve gone out at night. Why bother? Like, I’d rather stay home than go out sober. In fact, I’ve often wondered if I’ll EVER go out again. I mean, what, exactly, is the point of going out if you can’t drink? That mentality is changing, mainly out of necessity. I can’t not go out forever!? I NEED and want a social life. And, hello? There are many reasons to go out and meet people that have nothing to do with my selfish desire to get shitfaced!
The incentive to “have fun” is gone, in a way. Interactions have to be sober, and based on a genuine desire to get to know someone. I mean, I like this woman, but let’s face it, I think we’d both LOVE to grab a glass of wine at some beach bar instead of guzzling coffee at high noon. Plus, lately, I’ve been digging hanging out with myself–getting to know Drunky Drunk Girl–a lot more than with others. Anyway, I’m meeting my friend tomorrow for lunch, and well, that’s a big step for me, I suppose.
Avocado tree: The other day, I finally scooped out the flesh of a HUGE, overripe avocado straight from an island tree (it was a gift from our landlady)! Then I was like, I wonder if I can plant this and grow a tree? I was going to simply plop it into a big potter and cover it with dirt, but alas, I smartly Google’d “how to grow an avocado tree” and lo and behold, there’s a method to getting the pit to sprout BEFORE you put it into soil! So, outside on a table sits what looks like an alien implement, or a weapon: three kabob skewer sticks are jutting out of the sides of the pit, and being used to balance the thing on the rim of a glass. The bottom half of the pit has to remain submerged until it sprouts (3-6 weeks!). It looks sort of grotesque–all in the name of immortality.
Yes, immortality. Three to six weeks from now, I’ll be well on my way to immortality, people. Maybe this tired sack of sober bones won’t live on, but someone will know I was here by the wonderful avocado tree growing in the backyard!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Mainly I just wanted to say I get excited when I see your name pop up in my Reader because I love reading your posts.
Also, re the socialising, you may surprise yourself in time. I mean, it probably depends how social a person you are naturally but I have found that when I’m in a good, strong head space about not drinking (determined, positive, not questioning it – which I have been in the past but sadly not for a few months now), I can even go out to bars with friends and have a genuinely good time booze free. Sometimes I’d find myself laughing long and loud in a way that was lighter and freer and more fun than any drunken laughing.
But, at the moment, I can’t. Can’t because I’m not feeling strong so I’ll either end up drinking or be miserable feeling all deprived.
All this to say, maybe you’ll have more fun than you anticipate? Maybe not tomorrow, with a brand new friend, cause that’s a little stressful inherently, but in time. And what about dates out at night with the boyfriend? Surely those could be fun without booze? You could go on a mission to find the very best desserts on the whole island…
Good luck. Look forward to hearing how it went.
Aww, thanks Lilly! Yes, it definitely depends on what state of “social” I feel like I’m in when I head out. I can have a lot of fun socializing while sober — that doesn’t really bother me so much anymore. I don’t really feel nervous or anxious about that. It’s actually the simple matter of finding “my people” down here, getting settled into maybe an outside-the-home job, and becoming more involved, in general, in my life again.
Hope you’re getting closer to giving it up for a while. Believe me, the downs get worse, and the good things about drinking slowly go away, one by one. There was nothing left that was fun about drinking wine at the end. I wish I could roll it back a bit, cuz maybe then my “return” would be more possible than it is now. (That’s not to say that I don’t feel largely “rehabilitated” in my obsession with wine or that I don’t think I could possibly drink in moderation again. The sticking point for me right now is, do I really WANT to drink in moderation? And the answer still is, NO. Even though I know the repercussions, that part of my brain still screams out, NO! I don’t want to drink in moderation! So, I won’t return to it (now, anyway) because, really, I can’t. Sigh. Boo.)
Hugs to you!
I know how you feel, just two days after my sobriety I went out on a works do, I sat there watching them drink, holding on to my Cola, not easy but I did it, they all then went out on the town, I went home. This Saturday is our Christmas do and I’ll do it all again, watch as they drink and get merry, but I’ll be sober laughing at them not with them, I’ll go home early again, but laugh at their drunken stories on Monday morning and gloat ever so slightly when they complain about their ongoing hangover.
I love my sober life!
Wayne
Haha. I love not involving myself in the nonsense AND having to deal with the hangovers! It all seems so…senseless, doesn’t it? Especially when you watch the obsessions — can anyone eat just one chip? — take hold of people. Ack! I really really really don’t miss it. (And yes, I gloat a lot sometimes! I love finally feeling healthy, on a roll, in control…)
Hugs to you. Congrats on your sober life. Keep living it!
This whole post leaves me warm and fuzzy. I love it.
Aww, thanks! Yes, I feel like doing nothing but creating a warm and fuzzy — and somewhat isolated; guess I should keep an eye out for that tendency — space for myself right now. And, really, I can’t wait to see that avocado pit actually sprout!