And, that was a slip, not a relapse–I hope

20 Mar

10:23 pm

OK. Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Thanks for all the supportive comments–you guys are amazing!

And, it really is quite astonishing to see just how many of us are affected so deeply by this drinking thing. I mean, a lot of my friends and family just don’t get it, don’t want to know. And yet, this is a HUGE deal for me, both drinking and now, not drinking. And, I know that I can be proud of myself, even if no one in my immediate friends circle or family really gives two shits. I KNOW it’s a big deal, and I KNOW I have every right to tear it up on my unicorn, screaming and clawing at the sky–I am THAT awesome.

Sometimes, you need to throw yourself a parade.

All I can say is, I did jot some things down yesterday afternoon, even in my groggy state, and it’s a testament to the learning that comes about when you quit your habit and embrace the often difficult journey of getting to know yourself. I recognized all these things from just one slip, which is awesome. Now it’s time to put them into practice.

1. Certain things are in the past; it’s TIME to let them go–put them away and move on. Really. No more wasting energy and/or head space revisiting events, circumstances, and emotions that are in and of the past. It’s strange with feelings, though; I do think that sometimes, these need to be expunged. Emotions are evergreen and somehow persist, as if you keep feeling them fresh, again and again, no matter how much time passes. Sage? A fire ritual, maybe?

2. I struggle with connection; I want it with people, but can’t seem to get it. I feel like I don’t really know how; maybe that’s a byproduct of being an introvert at heart. I mean, the kind of connection I desire is rather intense for some, maybe. When I start to feel really isolated, this urge to connect on a deeper level intensifies, and my conviction that it can’t be–we are each our own separate reality–looms large and oppressive.

3. It’s time to get out, people. Time to start DOING SHIT AGAIN. It’s not that I don’t live, but really, I don’t have a life, let’s face it. The only way, I realize now, to change this is to change this! I can’t scold myself for being lazy, or lacking initiative, or being afraid of people–maybe I am. However, maybe I needed to cocoon while getting sober, maybe I needed to isolate to protect myself while I licked my wounds and examined the damage. Now, however, it’s time to bust out those wings and start flying around. (Today, I had a job interview via Skype AND I went downtown to a nonprofit that I’ll hopefully end up volunteering for soon. It was fantastic, and, I hate to say it, long overdue. I felt a part of things, a creator of my life; that felt good, and is the antidote to isolating.)

4. It sucks growing up. It just does. *whine* I have made the choice–and so has my brother–to not engage anymore. He is not, and will not, be a part of my life in the same way he was, ever again. I am an adult woman, having adult conversations (albeit, ones I can’t fucking remember) with my mother, who is approaching 70. All these things and more make me feel like…grieving. Grieving for choices made, for a past that I NOW DEFINITELY HAVE. It’s a process, and I have to realize that THAT is what is going on inside, even if it feels a million miles away, buried underneath a lot of protective gear.

5. Do I have any real joy in my life? When I was hung the fuck over yesterday, I wondered. Now I know that YES, I do. However, I have to cultivate that joy–one of the simplest ways of doing that is by being sober–on a continual basis. That takes effort, and focus. Sometimes–well, often–I don’t feel like I have either!

Anyway, thanks, everyone, for letting me vent. One day I suppose I’ll have nothing left to analyze or process, but that day is likely in the distant future. So, here’s to big brains. And even bigger hearts.

4 Responses to “And, that was a slip, not a relapse–I hope”

  1. Cindy March 21, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

    Well, it sounds like you are right on track, doing exactly what you should be doing; cocooning when you needed it, then realizing it’s time to dust off your wings and try them out. When I drank, a lot of the activities and talents that made me “me”, went dormant. I literally DID have to dust off my art supplies! Then I pulled out my ballet shoes, started taking classes again (I won’t even tell you how old I am! But, I can still do it!!!!) and pretty much blossomed ….I’m approaching 3.5 years sober and it only gets better. Life is wonderful and it’s all out there for you to discover and participate in. You can now become the woman you were created to be, fully. Alcohol just takes it away. You are right, it’s huge. It’s a huge deal. I’m glad you understand that.

  2. carrythemessage March 21, 2013 at 3:51 pm #

    This is the kind of thing to print up and attach to your journal book or a place you see often. Much of this really hits home for me, having been there myself.

    1. This is *the* most important thing you wrote, by far. You have perfectly described “resentment”. It comes from the Latin “sentire” which means to feel. “Re” means again. So we refeel something over and over again like it just happened when we mull things over, letting them fester, focusing on the negative and our bodies and emotions respond as if it just occurred two minutes ago. I had to learn to let go of things that festered 30 years. Imagine carrying that kind of crap around for so long?! Letting go…you’ll be so much lighter.

    2.I could have written this. I too am an introvert. I get my energy from being alone. Being in social settings drains me. But I need to get out and make that connection. That is why meetings are important for me. That is why I check out and comment on blogs. That is why I am active in recovery message boards. That is why I speak at my old treatment center. That is why I talk to newcomers on the phone. That is why I have guys I work with. All about connection to other humans. I am useless to myself and others when I hide in my cave…which is my default!

    3. Great thing about volunteering and getting out there is we get out of our own heads…dangerous place to be for a guy like me. Living life is why we get sober. And you’re doing that…awesome.

    4. This ties into number #1. And so does your preamble about no one caring about how deep this sobriety thing is for you. Not their concern. Or yours in how others react. you have no part in that, and hence, it’s not yours to take on. This has been a BIG lesson for me, and I still struggle with it, to be honest. But it’s an important thing to look at and be aware of.

    5.joy – isn’t that why are living life?

    Great job, DDG. Great post and I like how you’ve bounced back. Inspiring.

    Love and Light,
    Paul

  3. good2begone March 22, 2013 at 12:17 am #

    For what it is worth…here are my dos centavos…..your #2 can help to be resolved by #3. By involving yourself with #3 you will be learning how to #4. By learning #4 you may be able to resolve #1. Therefore making #5 a constant reality.

    Every day is in the distant future. Work on the now…..that is the only time we really have to worry about.

  4. Mrs D March 22, 2013 at 1:09 am #

    I’m still waiting for the day someone has a slip and comes on here to say ‘wow I drank last night and it was so fabulous I don’t know what you’re all going on about! Back to boozing I go!!!’… it’s always heartening for me who hasn’t touched it in a year or so to hear someone go there and then validate what is shit about it. It doesn’t fix anything or make it better. But it’s such a clever tricker when leading us to think it does. Go easy my friend. You are doing such great work to reshape your thinking and I applaud you hugely for that. Xxxxxx

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