So focused on life…I forgot to think about drinking!

29 Mar

1:31 am

Today, I had two firsts in my sobriety, and they took me by surprise.

One, I got so busy this past week that I forgot to think about drinking. Yes, it’s possible. Who knew? I mean, I didn’t even think about this blog once today, and it was only after I finished my second interview for a job I’ve applied to (we’ve been having them over Skype) that I realized I hadn’t thought about drinking or checked my blog.

Second, I went out tonight with a friend, and we ordered virgin “frou frou” drinks–all juice and mango and pink and swirls. So, I never understood former drinkers (or current ones) in AA when they talked about the anxiety that came with planning to binge or drinking that first drink. I mean, when I drank to ease my anxiety, it worked! Tonight, though, I felt physical aversion to booze; I think I may have even felt nauseated if I had had the chance to smell it. Tonight, as I stared at the tropical drinks being made for others, and when I thought about taking a sip and having that feeling of “hard booze-drunk” come over me–it made me feel anxious. Like, nervous. Didn’t I ever feel this way toward wine? Maybe. I think I just got used to blocking out that sense of foreboding when I would open a bottle, that feeling of, Oh, boy, here we go again. Tonight, I simply wanted nothing even close to rum in my drink, and most importantly, nothing even close to the anxious (to me, anyway), adrenaline-tinged high that comes with that first horrible sip infiltrating my bloodstream. From the very first sip, I thought, drinking is just…exhausting. (Disclaimer: I have never liked drinking hard booze, and liked the buzz even less. It was too fast, too harsh, and left me feeling like I was tottering on the edge of a cliff, my legs weak and shaking in the face of the precipice. Wine, on the other hand, all warm and fuzzy and making me feel excited and connected–well, until I didn’t anymore, blacked out, and woke up not remembering having said WAY too much to this person and done WAY too much with that. Plus, the wallet, pieces of clothing, expensive jewelry, and other stuff–thank God(dess), never a tooth–missing.)

This week has been busy with work, some interview prep, and the friend I went out with tonight has been in town, so I’ve been hanging with her. She’s a yoga teacher, so she’s a good person to do things with sober (and it really HELPS to do sober things with sober, or at least, like-minded peeps): it makes PERFECT sense to her to save her body instead of wasting it on the poisons of sugar and alcohol.

Honestly, I haven’t had many pangs this week, and the ones I have had have been quickly ushered out by what I learned last Monday night: while drinking may SEEM like a good option to resolve my negative feelings and thoughts/thoughts and feelings, it simply isn’t. After almost six months, it’s just automatic to KNOW, without giving much thought to the voice of craving, that it’s like, not a good idea AT ALL to drink the day before an interview. Or, the night before a get-together. Or, a day of hard work planned. Oh, and nearly impossible to train for a road race AND drink, whatsoever. After almost six months, I know that one slip will not lead me down the road to oblivion; au contraire–it’s helped to make clearer, to clarify, my commitment to not drinking as a lifestyle choice. I have too much riding on my sobriety, aka “my life,” to ruin it by drinking.

I have too much to do to remember that I want a drink!

6 Responses to “So focused on life…I forgot to think about drinking!”

  1. Belle (Tired2012) March 29, 2013 at 6:45 am #

    this is all-awesome-sauce all the time 🙂 it’s so hard to convey, but we really DO forget about it, for periods of time, it really DOES get easier, and life really is BETTER without booze. a lot better. you write so well, can really explain those finer distinctions. i’m glad to be with in a group of soberites with you!

  2. Lisa Neumann March 29, 2013 at 6:57 pm #

    Me too … it’s great isn’t it.

  3. carrythemessage March 30, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    here’s the flip side – what if life *wasn’t* so busy? What if you had a lot of time on your hands? What if you won the lottery and didn’t have to worry about interviews and business trips and things like that? What would happen then? How would the complexion of recovery change…or would it? These are the things I had to ask myself at one point of the game. I asked those things because I wanted to make sure that I was centered and not depending on the business of life (which happens – how great is that?) to keep me away from the bottle. I ask these things here, not to play devil’s advocate, but to show that it seems that you’re starting to get this – at least that is what I read between the lines of your post.

    Wonderful to see that you’re doing well 🙂

    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 4:53 am #

      Took me a while, but I wanted to get back to you on this. YES, for sure I think about this all the time. What happens when I stop doing-doing-doing/planning-planning-planning all the time in order to avoid wanting to drink? I remember in the beginning, it was all I could do to not drink; if you go back and read some of my very early posts, I just packed my days from end to end to literally avoid the wine store!

      I’ve grappled with this all along since last June, but my feeling is that when the time comes, I’ll be comfortable or energetic enough to simply sit with my life, and not necessarily my cravings and/or “desire” to drink. Baby steps, to put it another way.

      *glitter ball comin’ your way*

  4. risingwoman March 30, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

    Wonderful!! I’m glad to hear that you’re sober and strong – but remember to enjoy some moments of calm and quiet too 😉

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 3, 2013 at 1:46 am #

      YES! I decided that this time around, I’m going to reward myself a lot more. Take that time to sit back and really enjoy the journey to well, I guess it’s 180 days would be my goal this time…

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