Another 60 days… (and I feel fine)

18 May

6:05 pm

I’m at 60 days again (well, 61 today), and for some reason, it’s not a big deal. Sure, I put my 60-day AA chip out on display on the top of my desk (alongside my 24-hour and 30-day, all three awaiting the 90-day chip that remains in my desk drawer), but, otherwise it’s become more of a given: I don’t drink.

For one thing, I know I have a lot I want to do in the next few months, both personally and professionally, and drinking will prevent me from doing it. Period. Drinking is the opposite of being productive, and I want to get shit done! After all this time, I know that it’s not what I want, and, I know that it’s counterproductive–and, being productive is the antidote to my cravings, for the most part. Drinking gets in the way of that, both before, during, and long after. As my Facebook friends so effectively illustrated this Saturday morning, I can either be going to the bodega for Advil, coconut water, and a bagel; or, I can be on my way to Estonia (or, whatever other country is on your must-see list).

Secondly, compared to my last time being here (mid-December), I really don’t feel like drinkin’. Really really. That dazed-and-confused feeling, that first-few-sips-and-I’m-already-starting-to-forget-things feeling, that nervous-because-who-knows-what-I-might-do-in-my-blackout-some-dumbass-shit-I’m-sure feeling–yeah, I really don’t want THAT feeling.

I’d rather get on with things. And those things–scientific editorial work, story pitching, trip researching, future job planning–can’t be done while thinking about drinking, drunk, or being hung over.

I’ve been seeing a lot of posts lately grappling with the idea of slipping and/or relapsing. For me, slipping was necessary. I don’t like to be afraid, to wonder, and slipping was my way of dispelling my fear: What would it be like if I drank? Welp, I drank and found out! It was necessary, for me anyway, to finally know–deep down, with no lingering doubts–that being sober is better than drinking, and the very least, drinking does not help me now; most of the time, it makes things worse. One glass is more painful than no glass, mainly because I just want more, and more, and more. I know I won’t want to stop, and I’d rather just skip the whole mess.

I never got a pink cloud, but I do have a moment now and then; and one of the best pink-cloud moments is when you sit back and think, Look at what my Saturday is like NOW, versus what it was like when I was drinking? And, the miracle is not that I quit drinking, or reached 60 days. It’s that THIS is my new normal–I expect to get up at 8 or 9 or 10, do the dishes and make coffee, walk the dogs to the beach with my boyfriend, bathe the dogs when we get home, shower, and then drive to “town” to hit a mini-arts fest and shop at a big box store (yes, I can’t tell you how fun shopping for bulk items is, even now, on a Saturday, when any other day prior to last June would have seen me sick and in bed until 3 pm, barely breathing and trying to piece my soul back together form a night out that I don’t remember). Yes, this is my new normal, and how much glitter can I toss over my unicorn’s shoulder to celebrate such an awesome mental and emotional achievement in healing? And endless supply, friends.

6 Responses to “Another 60 days… (and I feel fine)”

  1. losedabooze May 18, 2013 at 10:32 pm #

    Congratulations on your 61 days!! I’m inspired by how you’re feeling and my Saturday today was just that – a very productive day thanks to being free from the booze trap. Since I’m only on day 6, it takes a bit more work – because it’s still very fresh as I drank all last weekend. Great post!!

  2. Sibyl May 19, 2013 at 12:05 am #

    Hey DDG,

    Congratulations on getting to know that being sober is so much better than drinking! And writing so well about how great it is to be sober and living in the everyday. Inspiring.

  3. carrythemessage May 19, 2013 at 9:17 am #

    Hey DDG – seems like forever since I commented here…glad things are going well. There is nothing wrong with feeling celebratory on this landmark, even though you have been here before. But I understand your muted trumpeting of this – you just want to continue getting on with life. But congrats, regardless!

    I do understand what you are saying – I too love getting stuff done, even if it’s not getting stuff done (re: lying on the couch playing Angry Birds Space). I am up at 6am regardless (today it’s 4:30 am for work) and I get stuff *done*. Maybe not all, but 10 times more than I used to. I remember (with no fondness) those hangovers where I was exhausted, but my withdrawals wouldn’t let me rest. That was the worst. Panic attacks, etc. no thank you. I need to live on with life here.

    Your new normal sounds awesome. Why trade it in for the old, used up, sad normal?

    Love and light,
    Paul

  4. Belle May 20, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

    “one glass is more painful than no glass” … i guess that sums it up right there 🙂 i also like how you describe your new normal. you make plans, you get things done, and you can count on you. happy day 63 today. beep beep …

  5. Lilly May 20, 2013 at 11:35 pm #

    I am soooo happy to hear you sounding like this and I really relate on a whole lot of levels. Those feelings are really helping me in the temptation moments, which I am still having, glad you’re not so much. Because it’s becoming easier and easier to project into the bad bits of drinking and think, ‘Yeah, no, not so much.’ And also YAY to the getting shit doen and relishing the new normal.

    I think what you need to celebrate now is this important shift in perspective. That is a whole lot more ground covered than these last 60 days and is worth acknowledging. I’m so glad your slip/relapse was not only so brief but has actually pushed you forward in a positive way. And sounds like the blues are lifting now?

    Lots of love to you my glittery unicorn riding sober friend.

    Lilly xo

  6. Lisa Neumann May 21, 2013 at 6:16 pm #

    Day 64 if calculations are correct.
    My favorite … “look at my day NOW…” You are such a fun friend to be sober with today. I completely love the “new normal”
    (ps. For what it’s worth, I never had a pink cloud either and I managed to make it through.)

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