No big highs or lows (or, maybe one low high?)

15 May

9:06 am

I just wanted to check in and say I’m here, still sober, and strangely quiet about it all lately. I think I’ve just been busy trying to sort out the summer, and next fall–plans are in the works, but the investigative process is tedious, I must say.

Anyway, no great highs. No big lows. I wanted to drink last night (I ran into a pocket of sober turbulence that lasted long enough for me to forget why I wanted to drink in the first place, if I even had a “reason”–who wants to be hung over in 95-degree weather?), but I didn’t. Do I still consider moderation in my future? Sure. But, right now, I am choosing to muscle through the future planning, the heat, and my “depression” (which is mainly a lack of direction, which I’ve said before, makes me feel low and sad, I guess)..and simply not overthink it.

Do I want to drink? Yes. Of course. I love red wine. That’s on the front page of my blog. Duh. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting to drink, and I’m OK with that.

What I want more, however, is to be sober. And, what I don’t want is to be stuck in this weird limbo of having gone–mentally and emotionally–nearly six months sober but yet still *technically* be on Day 58 (yup, coming up on 60 again). It’s weird, is all I can say, and I don’t recommend it! I mean, it’s like, those six months of days are in my sober bank; my sober muscle hasn’t atrophied, but yet…I’m trying squeeze myself back into my old clothes, those of my newly-sober self. I don’t know, I have to figure it out. It’s harder, mainly because I’m stuck on the pedantics of counting days. So it goes.

Anyway, I’ve got loads to share, but right now, there are about 14 mosquitoes having a field day on my right butt cheek, my “special girlfriend” dog wants to go for a walk, and I already feel like the day is slipping away and it’s only 9 am!

Thanks for sticking by me, friends. This month has been a hard one so far. However, I’ll have 60 days on Friday, and I am not drinking for 100, no matter if the sky turns red and the gravitational force disappears.

7 Responses to “No big highs or lows (or, maybe one low high?)”

  1. Sibyl May 15, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

    Hey drunkydrunkgirl, hang in there. Having in setback in sobriety is tough, but it sounds like you’re handling it. If you can, keep focused on staying sober just for today. I found it really helps to be present in today, even with the lows, and try not to focus on whether I will be sober tomorrow. Yes, we need to make plans, but getting ahead of yourself on when/how long you have been sober just adds to the stress. Thanks for sharing!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 15, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      Good advice! Thank YOU for reading and supporting…

      • Kathryn May 16, 2013 at 4:49 am #

        Hi DDG..Have been reading your blog for awhile..So much of what you write resonates with me…I am going through a real tough time and drinking is not helping…Just reaching out to tell you to hang in there..And to ask that you think about me as I try to deal with more than I think I can handle right now…Many thanks..

  2. Lisa Neumann May 15, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

    Always, always good to see DDG awaiting opening in my inbox.
    I am, admittedly, attached to your progress.
    (I don’t think I realized day one was day one until about day 500+)
    Sending you love this day.
    Lisa

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 15, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      Aww, thanks, Lisa! Yes, just plugging away here. I have a lot to share, but it’s having a hard time coming out lately. Thanks for being there! xx

  3. Belle May 15, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

    even if the sky turns red. well you do make me laugh… glad to hear you’re hanging in there. sounds like you’re slogging through the bog that Amy went through recently … i had a low couple of weeks, and am feeling markedly yesterday and today. I’m ready for summer, though. You? i need some sun, heat, and time off…

  4. Lilly May 16, 2013 at 10:25 am #

    I have been thinking of you and meaning to email properly and been a bit worried because I know you’ve been having a tough time. So I’m glad to hear you’re hanging in there and things sound marginally better.

    The whole counting days thing can be a double-edged sword I reckon. I mean, it sucks to feel that you’re back to square one – though you aren’t anymore, 60 days is awesome! – but that doesn’t discount the accomplishment and learning of those six months either. I wonder if this is one of those cases where it’d be good to think about it longterm as a year minus a day? I don’t know how you feel about that? But if it was just the one night, even if it was a lot that one night, it is more of a slip than a relapse.

    Oh fuck, I don’t know. This shit confuses me too. If you added up all my booze free stints over the last 18 years I’d have several months, yet I feel like I’m just on two weeks (yet again!).

    Basically I’m just really glad, and proud of you, that you sorted yourself out so quickly when you drank and got back on the wagon and are steaming forward toward 100 days. I think we should both shelve any future thoughts or concerns about future drinking or day counting or whatever for now and just think about that lovely round number goal of 100. Just 100 days. And you’re more than halfway there.

    xx

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