3:56 pm
Tired, but hanging in there…
…not unlike the one car that YOU happen to be on that gets stuck, dangling in mid-air on the roller coaster ride called sobriety. Or life. Or living sober. Or just living.
I had a job interview today, and I only got about three hours sleep last night due to waking up at about 3 am and then tossing and turning for the next four hours. I had the worst recurring “nightmare,” too: I was literally buried under mounds and mounds of possible interview clothes, and I had like, 45 minutes to pick an outfit. I was running out of time, and I had no idea what pieces I wanted to put together, and I needed help, so I frantically called in…an old boss of mine? What? Anyway, it was SO stressful. When I finally shook the sleep out of me, I realized with sweet relief that real life is actually better than my dreams–kind of like when you dream you’re drinking, or drunk, and then you wake up to the fact of your sobriety. Sweet, sweet relief.
Someone emailed me the other day, and she reminded me of what I’ve heard before, that the first year is about getting sober and learning how to stay sober; while the second year is about learning how to live sober. I think I’m finally simply understanding this shift, from “healing” to “living;” and that I can’t stay inside my sober healing bubble forever. Unless I want to either stagnate and/or drink again.
As you’ve seen, I’ve been sort of getting my mojo back when it comes to socializing and work. Today, I took a BIG peek–maybe even a step!–outside my sober healing bubble and went on a job interview. Now, I have gone on a couple in-person interviews in the past two years (when I left my last full-time job to begin freelancing), but my last one was last June, and last June seems like FOREVER ago. In fact, I believe I was stupid hung over on that day–big surprise.
Anyway, today I interviewed sober and not hung over, and I felt good. Good to start to put myself back out there, in all ways, not just pitching and talking on the phone in the comfort of my own sober living room. Good to have to stress myself out a bit, whether that was finding an outfit (I’m picky, so I reluctantly spent more than I could afford), or driving myself downtown, or finding parking (I’m pretty sure I fucked that one up and parked where I shouldn’t have), or introducing myself to a new person and having to talk about myself for half an hour.
I don’t know if I want this job, but it would be SO nice to have some reliable income–a 9-to-5 job is manna from heaven to this girl right about now. In any case, over the past few weeks I’ve managed to land a few other freelance gigs that could turn into more substantial income, so that’s definitely good news. The name of this game is persistence and/or how bad you want it. Fortunately, I have at least one (persistence), which I might be confusing with banging my head against a brick wall, but so it goes.
So, that was what happened this morning. And now, back to my regularly scheduled program of looking to see SO many other science writers being published, especially in two new-ish magazines. Le sigh. One day…one day.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
It’s interesting to read about your experience – while I’m just trying to embark on the healing part, I can’t wait to get to the LIVING part … where the work to being sober is not as much work.
And, it will come! The hardest part about “addiction,” or whatever we call it, is the emotional pull. And that feels like something, too; I felt my cravings in my gut, in my heart–literally. But, once you get past them, which is simply a matter of doing it and practicing it over and over; then…wow, the relief is amazing. You just have to start, one day at a time, and know that it will get easier.
The voice that says you CAN just have one, you CAN drink in moderation AND have whatever it is you want–freedom from craving was mine, in essence–is wrong, is fucking WOLFIE in your ear. And, wolfie needs to die.
I love never being hung over anymore, and that, really, is the one thing that keeps me going. I simply don’t think I could stomach another hangover.
What helped me, honesty, was committing to a period of days–like maybe start with 30, or 60, and just see how it feels–and then simply not drinking no matter what. The act of not drinking when you want to does a lot of the healing work for you, at least physically and physiologically, in the beginning.
I am rooting for you! xx
Great that you had an interview…funny hwat we dream about!
bizi
Yes it is! Thank you… xx
I know those bizarre dreams that even whilst you are in them you know it is nuts but it still feels so real.
Well done on the interview and hoping you get something from it.
You’re my trailblazer. Its nice to know what’s up ahead. I’m still in healing mode but now I see that its going to keep getting a little better. Thx DDG.
YES, don’t give up. It sucks and sucks and hurts and hurts and then…it doesn’t. And, then…it gets better. And, I can honestly say, without being one of those rainbow-sober people: I think it’s going to *finally* start getting really good. Even better. Life is starting to feel not just normal again, but also RIGHT. More right than before. Or, maybe it’s just felt so wrong for so long (getting sober), that this just feels more right than normal right. I don’t know, but all the struggle seems to be worth it now.