Learning to let go, or, how to take out the trash

10:55 pm

I wanted to write a “thoughtful” post, but really, I’m just tired and glad to see the end of another tough week of job and life and story searching.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that over the past few weeks, I’m beginning to get the hang of getting rid of what I don’t need–or, how to take out the trash. For instance, if I wake up in a bad mood, sure, I’m in a bad mood but I also see the futility of hanging onto it pretty much beyond like, an hour after getting up. I let it go and embrace what I do have: a full day, the decision-making ability to choose to be, if not unicorns-shitting-glitter happy, then at least not in a bad mood.

Or, learning to let the sometimes ignorant behavior of locals down here roll off my back. Driving the other day, someone was either tailing me (there is no concept of courtesy distance) or making gestures when I didn’t know I was supposed to go around the makeshift construction zone, and I drove past and wanted to flip him off. But, I didn’t. Instead, I let myself feel about three seconds of uncontrollable fury and then…exhaled loudly, telling myself that it doesn’t matter, these people don’t matter, think about all the good people that you are going to help today and tomorrow and in the future. Bam, gone. Take what you need and trash the rest. It’s all the rest.

I can see why so many things made me want to drink–mainly because I didn’t know how to ignore what I didn’t need, or simply get rid of what wasn’t serving me. That goes deep, too, from how to react to story pitching, to how to field negativity from friends, to something as simple as how not to want to smash my scanner into bits and pieces because some stupid company thinks it’s OK to put the burden of scanning a PDF on the applicant (pet peeve of mine–not everyone has access to a home scanner or a FedEx where they can have it done!).

Now, I NEED to monitor the trash and take it out constantly in order to stay sober–and sane. If I reacted negatively and carried that reaction with me to every thing that bothered or irritated or vexed or hurt me, like I used to do, I just don’t think I could continue to remain sober.

I’ve still got work to do, though. As I said, I went on a job interview yesterday, and after I left the building and nearly stumbled down the hill to my car in my heels (heels and sidewalks built into volcanic hillsides don’t mix, btw), sweating in the already 85-degree heat at 10 am; I realized that I hadn’t really took a breath since I got up that morning. Nice one. Way to hold it all in! It was interesting (dismaying?) to see how much my sciatica flared just from that hour of tension–self-imposed, but still real–but I can live with a little pain. For now.

What I can’t live with, however, is not knowing how to make it different. I want to learn how to be totally relaxed on the inside but also ready on the outside–muscles and mind contracted in order to move and compete in the world, but to not care about the outcome (that much). My goal? How to toss the bag in the trash…as I exit a full pirouette. 🙂

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, get rid of what doesn't serve you, learning how to live sober, leave the rest, let it go, letting it go, not reacting, psychology, recovery, sober, sobriety, staying in the moment, take out the trash, wine, women, work