9:50 pm
Last night and this morning, I was in a horrible, type-A mood. Still sort of am! So impatient, so all about perfecting the process. I took yesterday off, and so today, I had to schedule about 4 hours of interviews. These were all for highly technical pieces, with business folk, so…you can’t be on your B-game (as sometimes you can be with scientists, because they’re more relaxed, willing to explain, tolerant of “dumb” questions).
Sigh. I realized two things: one, I really need to learn how to go with the flow again; and, two, even while I am passively disliking my work, I need it, like a fix.
The first is simple to examine: I have lost my desire to solve problems, to put up with glitches. And, let’s face it, LIFE is full of them. What I think it boils down to is having to be in a semi-agitated state all the time, constantly resisting the urge to drink. I mean, I still want to drink, and I still can’t drink. And, that takes energy, it takes work. It’s tiring being sober. (It’s also tiring having constant pain in my lower back, and having to worry constantly about making next month’s bills.) The point is, when you’re always on like this, it’s hard to be able to tolerate the little things. Like my phone not working. Like having to fix my gadgets–I HATE fixing gadgets, I just want them to work! Last night and today, I got so irritated by my phone not working, and a little thing that could’ve easily been solved turned into a big thing that ended up really pissing me off.
All that being said, I know I just have to find a way to be sober AND dig deeper. Channel more tolerance of the “problems” that I used to find fun to solve, of the bumps in the road, the minor obstacles. What can I do to manifest more patience? A walk helps. Petting the dogs. Laughing at something, anything. Just feeling grateful–I am alive, and I remember being more playful when it came to “things,” so it will come back with time. It has to, right?
The second thing is something I have to sit with. It’s like, I can’t wait until my work is done, is the overriding thought in my mind. And, After my work is done, I will have wine–well, that used to be the second thought. So, the problem is, I “hate” what I do? Yet, I get off on it. I NEED it, I can’t not do it. Is this passion, or insanity? Is it workaholism? For now, I don’t have time to change it; I need and want to make a living the way I need and want to. It’s an “it is what it is” kind of thing–like drinking was for years and years until one day, I just had to fucking deal with it. So, I leave it there, un-excavated, and continue living, working, being sober, and giving myself a glitter ball every now and then. Good enough.
Belle made a point in an awesome podcast about being a “dry drunk” today. I agree, that we don’t have to do anything besides be sober. No rules, no expectations beyond that. I am taking it a step further to say, no expectations beyond that UNTIL you’re ready. Until you’re ready, all the shit in the shit-pit can wait. It can decompose even! As I commented on Jen’s (who just hit 90 days–WOOT!) blog tonight, you don’t have to unearth anything right now. If you don’t want to do it right now, do not. DO NOT. Time will eventually come in and say, It’s time. Your heart and inner strength will tell you when you are ready, and YOU WILL BE. Until then, all you have to do is not drink.
Me, too. Me, too.
(Btw, 240 days today!)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
well said!
congratulations! Staying sober is the first thing on our radar….
bizi
You need my friends spiritual enlightenment course… basic level – “It will be all right in the end” – therefore stop fretting about it and let it happen. After years you’ll get his advanced status which is “Actually it is all right now” So no need to worry… serenity will be yours. Yes ok back on planet earth… the little things annoy me too, like my phone won’t now work with my work email since they upgraded the work system. It is my phone so my issue to fix… grrr… just bloody work!
The one thing I find now in my sobriety is that I really can’t be arsed with a lot of the work stuff – it all seems so futile. The all rush hither and thither chasing this meeting and that action and they all grab for their slice of the budget and resources and I sit there and think – “you know none of this has any real baring on what really matters does it”… now there in lies my issue
But as you and Belle point out – I’m sober today exactly 9 years 6 months since I last took a drink – but all that matters still is that I’m sober today – that is the principle thing I have to be concerned about and that alone
Huh. I have been reading a little about PAWS today … have you looked into it at all? One of the main symptoms is an inability to solve problems. The article I read also said it often peaks between 3-6 months, but can take up to 2 years of abstinence to go away completely. It struck me when I was reading your post that there MIGHT be some similarities.That is for you to decide, though, my friend! Here’s the link I was reading if you are interested.
http://whatmesober.com/personal-writing-about-addiction-and-recovery/early-recovery/paws/
Jen,
I *know* I have PAWS-related stuff–my lack of motivation being the main one, but also lack of focus, problem-solving deficiencies, and poor short-term memory (lack of attention). I’ve been waiting for this shit to go away for a year now! LOL It’s like, it taken me until oh, about now, to even be able to feel excited about doing things like going to dinner or doing my journalism work without wine. It’s like, my brain was so wired to think that wine was the only reward worth having. Wine became an essential part of why I did things, in work and socializing (two sides to the same coin in the world of media) situations.
I do think it takes at least a good 9 months, maybe 12, maybe even those 2 years! Sure, you’re not drinking, but you’re still dragging. I was totally surprised to see myself still dragging going on a year, but it’s *finally* getting better. It’s never been a BIG deal, but I was like, why don’t I enjoy things yet, truly deep down? It’s coming back…
Thanks for this, and just keep going–it will take time, but all these symptoms will ease for you, too.
HUGS!
Congrats on 240! That’s a big deal!