Tag Archives: dry drunk

Work is still my trigger, I just don’t react to that trigger

13 Nov

9:50 pm

Last night and this morning, I was in a horrible, type-A mood. Still sort of am! So impatient, so all about perfecting the process. I took yesterday off, and so today, I had to schedule about 4 hours of interviews. These were all for highly technical pieces, with business folk, so…you can’t be on your B-game (as sometimes you can be with scientists, because they’re more relaxed, willing to explain, tolerant of “dumb” questions).

Sigh. I realized two things: one, I really need to learn how to go with the flow again; and, two, even while I am passively disliking my work, I need it, like a fix.

The first is simple to examine: I have lost my desire to solve problems, to put up with glitches. And, let’s face it, LIFE is full of them. What I think it boils down to is having to be in a semi-agitated state all the time, constantly resisting the urge to drink. I mean, I still want to drink, and I still can’t drink. And, that takes energy, it takes work. It’s tiring being sober. (It’s also tiring having constant pain in my lower back, and having to worry constantly about making next month’s bills.) The point is, when you’re always on like this, it’s hard to be able to tolerate the little things. Like my phone not working. Like having to fix my gadgets–I HATE fixing gadgets, I just want them to work! Last night and today, I got so irritated by my phone not working, and a little thing that could’ve easily been solved turned into a big thing that ended up really pissing me off.

All that being said, I know I just have to find a way to be sober AND dig deeper. Channel more tolerance of the “problems” that I used to find fun to solve, of the bumps in the road, the minor obstacles. What can I do to manifest more patience? A walk helps. Petting the dogs. Laughing at something, anything. Just feeling grateful–I am alive, and I remember being more playful when it came to “things,” so it will come back with time. It has to, right?

The second thing is something I have to sit with. It’s like, I can’t wait until my work is done, is the overriding thought in my mind. And, After my work is done, I will have wine–well, that used to be the second thought. So, the problem is, I “hate” what I do? Yet, I get off on it. I NEED it, I can’t not do it. Is this passion, or insanity? Is it workaholism? For now, I don’t have time to change it; I need and want to make a living the way I need and want to. It’s an “it is what it is” kind of thing–like drinking was for years and years until one day, I just had to fucking deal with it. So, I leave it there, un-excavated, and continue living, working, being sober, and giving myself a glitter ball every now and then. Good enough.

Belle made a point in an awesome podcast about being a “dry drunk” today. I agree, that we don’t have to do anything besides be sober. No rules, no expectations beyond that. I am taking it a step further to say, no expectations beyond that UNTIL you’re ready. Until you’re ready, all the shit in the shit-pit can wait. It can decompose even! As I commented on Jen’s (who just hit 90 days–WOOT!) blog tonight, you don’t have to unearth anything right now. If you don’t want to do it right now, do not. DO NOT. Time will eventually come in and say, It’s time. Your heart and inner strength will tell you when you are ready, and YOU WILL BE. Until then, all you have to do is not drink.

Me, too. Me, too.

(Btw, 240 days today!)

I win, YOU LOSE, said the self-righteous “dry drunk”

16 Feb

2:03 pm

I feel like I’m always bitching on my blog, but dudes, that’s what this is for, right? If you don’t want to read, you would’ve unsubscribed by now, I’m guessing.

Lately, I’ve been feeling angry. Self-righteous, I guess might be the right word. I can say with absolute certainty that a significant part of my NOT succumbing to my cravings is the fact that by not drinking, I win. I WIN! And, more than that, they lose. THEY LOSE. In this mindset, it becomes a zero sum game; and, admittedly, it does help me say to myself, No, Drunky Drunk Girl, you’re SO not drinking over them. You’re SO not letting them win.

Who is this “them?” Well, it’s all the folks who thought I couldn’t do it, who hated (and continue to hate and semi-hate) on me for actually doing it (it’s the whole “If I have zero, at least it’s more than you have if you’re drinking away what you don’t have; so keep drinking and make me feel better about having nothing”); friends, family, employers (former). It’s everyone who’s made me feel like I was a shitfuck, someone not worth helping or saving, someone who even though she did most everything right, somehow doesn’t deserve ANY of her success for doing this one fucking thing wrong.

Making amends? Shit. There are people whom I don’t think I can forgive–let back in, I should say–for not having forgiven me! Shut me out? Well, when you open that door, don’t expect me to be there. That’s family stuff, but it boils down to the same for everyone: I win when I don’t drink, and you lose. You lose your bets against me. You lose your justification for holding a grudge. You lose your smug smirk and false sense of pride–the only things protecting you from your truth(s) are your pride and my drinking, because both allow you to continue lying to yourself.

Yeah, it’s twisted. But, it’s really, really hard for me to NOT feel this way. And, when I stop the OBVIOUSLY negative self-righteous rising, when I stop indulging that bitter and angry side, I can see that good things have come my way. I have my sobriety. I have my life. I have my work. I am getting paid to do what I’m (relatively) good at. I have great friends who love me. I have a LOT. I must have done something right, right?

All I can say is, at 4.5 months, I feel this way every time I seriously think about throwing in the towel. And, it’s a factor in resisting the urge…along with a bunch of other “better” reasons, of course. The anger passes, and I move on to feeling and being grateful–glowing with contentment, happy with myself for my steadfastness (for once) re: not drinking, and at peace with how things are between me and “them”–time heals all wounds, right? What I usually do is go for a long walk with the dogs, or a run. Both those things dissipate the anger…until it boils up again the next time I start to head into one of my “thought ditches.”

I hope I’m not the “dry drunk” that AAers are talking about. It takes what it takes, I guess.

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