7:33 pm
Now would be the time to drink, if there is one. I just finished three stories and well, two months’ income.
I’ve already blogged about why “now” would not, actually, be a good time to drink: it’s November 22nd, and I still have to find December’s income. I still have NO idea where that money is coming from yet–could be in the form of an assigned story, could be in the form of a story or two that I have yet to pitch. Ugh. Freelancing. And, then, there’s January, and February, and March’s income. Sometimes, I can’t imagine ever feeling like I deserve to rest, a break, a reward. Do I?
I did it, though. I picked myself up this summer, worked my arse off to grind this business to a start, and actually did it. I know being sober has everything to do with it. This has been months, years in the making. And I’ve worked really hard to get here–not just to have those handful of stories, whatever. I’ve worked hard the way you all know that this revising-your-entire-existence-on-planet-Earth is hard when you get sober.
Sigh. I still want to drink tonight, though. As a reward. As a break. It’s what I always did. It’s what I’ve always done after filing hefty stories. I’ve EARNED this, haven’t I? I’ve been planning it for months, in a way: once I get to “this” point along the way in the freelance thing, then I can drink.
I told my boyfriend I was going to drink a “couple” of glasses of wine tonight, but in my heart, I know I’m lying. For all intents and purposes, I’m not in the mood to drink.
But I still “want” to. So, what do I do? I go and grab my wine glass, fill it to the top (cuz that’s how I roll; 6-ounce “glass,” my ass) with some homemade sorrel tea, and whoa, what a surprise! Sorrel’s got a tinge of an aftertaste, and it feels/tastes very much like wine. I put ginger (along with cloves and cinnamon) in this iced tea, so it sort of burns on the way down, and once there, simmers in my belly. And, by golly, it feels like I’m drinking wine! And, no shit, I “feel” the symptoms of being drunk.
When I got drunk, I’d feel the good feelings–happy, excited, caution-to-the-wind, big ideas–and I’d feel the bad–dizzy, brain coming undone, spaced out, tired, bloated, stomach burning. Sometimes the bad would totally outweigh the good, especially toward the end when the buzz didn’t even show up. Maybe it’s my association of these feelings, similar to the ones I’m getting from the tea, with being drunk that’s making me actually feel drunk?
In any case, it just reminds me of how NOT WORTH IT it is. I just feel down, tired, spaced out, and my stomach is burning. I have that sick, wine aftertaste in the back of my throat, and I’m going to keep taking swallows of that sick, tart wine and make that aftertaste worse. Stomach’ll keep burning, throat will reflexively gag, but I’ll keep downing that wine–every sip taking me further and further outside of my head. Pretty soon, I’ll be tipsy, which may or may not involve feeling buzzed; my head will start to hurt; I’ll start to feel really dizzy; I’ll lose sense of my chain of thoughts; and I’ll feel confused, like my brain is literally coming unglued, as if big chunks of neurons are coming unhinged from one another, cell by cell.
And then, I’ll be like, oh, a bottle is gone?, and I feel nothing but numb. Not better, just numb. And sick. And drunk. And…now $10 is gone, the night is spent, and I have nothing to show for it except…a horrible day tomorrow of being hung over, of not being able to work or do anything I had planned. Ugh. It just adds up to zero.
So, yeah. While I “want” to drink, I don’t. And that confuses me, because I feel both at once. I guess I’ll just refill my wine glass with more sorrel tea and pretend I’m drunk. Or, maybe I’ll go to the bar (my neighbors are leading a pub crawl at the bar up the road) and watch all the drunken people perform their stupid human tricks?
No good can come. No good can come. I KNOW this, but… I feel left out.
You know, I used to hate those cautious people, the ones who were like, “Oh, I better stop, I’ve already had two.” FUCK YOU. I was so impulsive when it came to wine, so impulsive and dangerous in my choices, my behavior. Now, I’m turning (turned) into one of those cautious people I hated! Maybe I always was/am too cautious to allow my inner zen to be disturbed–maybe that’s the real me, and I’m just having to get used to her being around again.
And, now it’s 7:50 and the night is too old for me to start drinking now. Plus, I wasn’t kidding, I think I’m really heading over to the bar where my boyfriend works to make fun of (feel glad it’s not me) the drunkards.
200 days plus 7 weeks = almost 250 days! 50 more until day 300, and then…?
Update at 10:51 pm: so, I went to the bar, saw some people, drank some pineapple and club soda, and ate some Roquefort cheese (ugh, not only cheese, but FRENCH cheese; all I could think was, This would go so much better with some French wine). And, well, I still want to drink. I still want that “break.” I still feel left out, and friend-less, in a way. I miss drinking to socialize, I really do. Oh, well.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
being this tempted, don’t think you should head toward a bar but that is just me.
hope it turned out well for you.
bizi
It’ll be OK…I won’t drink, that’s for sure. Thanks for your support, though! 🙂
So glad you aren’t gonna drink. I have followed your journey from the start & I’ve been on my own sober journey right along with you. We don’t need no stinking booze! Yay DDG! You are your best self when sober.
Thanks! I’m back from the bar, and I still want to drink. 😦 Oh, well…
Sounds like some good clear thinking on your part. Hooray for that! I always hated the cautious people too, I think because I always thought of them as killjoys, but these days I’m revisiting that. Caution to the wind never really did me much good. I like how you just drink the tea and let yourself think through how it would go if that were wine, and come to realize not drinking is the better decision for you. Hope your evening goes well!
Thanks! I’m back from the bar, and I still want to drink. 😦 Oh, well…
Sorry, that’s rough for you. I like what you said before though: if you’re going to drink, you’re going to plan it in advance and think it through carefully, and not just give in to on impulse. Best of luck toughing it out tonight.
I still have those feelings, too. One thing I’ve started to realize is, the thought of getting something to drink is still there, but I really don’t want to go through with it and be committed to the time I’ll have to sit through being drunk and then waiting until I feel not drunk. I guess I’m getting lazy.
really appreciate this post- i am 21 days sober, with a goal of 100. not sure after that. but i really relate to your thoughts about wanting to drink/not wanting to drink. i always think, “ugh, the jig is up”….i no longer can even pretend that drinking works for me or that it will actually produce what it is that i am wanting (and honestly, i’m not even sure half the time what that is…)
thanks for writing.
so i was looking up the blog post i wrote about feeling antsy and could only describe it as a desire to drink without drinking… and look, i was writing it in response to you when you were on day 49 🙂 http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/i-had-an-antsy-feeling-that-i-could-only-sum-up-with-these-words-i-want-wine/ and i was on day 309 then … Happy day 250 to you today. rock onwards.
When I stopped I had 9 months of it in my head all day virtually – but I didn’t drink. I used to say that the compulsion to drink didn’t leave me. One day a person challenged me – saying “but you didn’t drink that isn’t a compulsion that was an obsession”… correct!!! I didn’t drink so the compulsion to drink didn’t go but the obsession stayed. After 9 months I had a day when I didn’t think about drinking – that was a momentous day. It got slowly got better
for me it was 8.5 months! maybe there’s a theme here 😉
This is exactly how I was feeling two nights ago. Shit, I wanted to take a Vicodin (I do have a prescription for it, for back issues) or two but I didn’t do that either. Just. To. Relax.