1:56 pm
It’s weird how a length of sobriety just kind of makes you grow the fuck up.
Sort of, anyway. 🙂
I was breezing through “the past” last night, and that past included sometimes torturing myself by checking out web sites like Last Night’s Party. I mean, let’s face it, it IS tortuous–if you’re the kind of person I am–to see other people who are “cooler” and “more in the know” getting their party on. The kind of person I am (was) was too shy to wear anything like that, go anywhere like that, hang out with people like that. When I lived in the big city, I definitely tried, though–tried my hardest, if my drinking to excess had anything to show for it.
Someone, somewhere along the way told me that that’s what “the cool kids” do, is go out and have fun. And that, having fun means getting shitfaced and dragging your hair in someone’s (your own?) vomit during a dance move that exposes your ass and thong underwear to everyone in the house, and then, taking off your clothes and making out with/letting someone feel you up/having sex with a stranger.
Now, I’ve been to my fair share of parties, and done my fair share of nonsense, including all of the above. But, there is something about this site that always made me feel…less than. Envious, in a way. Like, not only was I not partying with “famous” people, but I also wasn’t partying THAT hard. Or, hard enough. Or, hard enough to be “young.” And to this day, going on that site reminds me that I’m “old,” or getting there–the days of being young and silly and drunk, hooking up with strangers are over. And, my biggest question to myself is, why the FUCK is this a bad thing?
What I’ve noticed lately–it’s hard not to; just look at some of the ways the half-naked drunk women are rolling around with their glasses of wine teetering in one hand (posed shots, or not?)–is just how glorified drunken promiscuity is. Maybe it’s just our rape culture–we don’t just use women as objects, men are plugged into their role, too (why on Earth would so many college boys think that it’s in any way OK to rape-while-drunk?). Now, I’m not religious, and I’m not that much of a prude. But, I just wonder, why are women being told that this is not only acceptable behavior, but that it doesn’t come at a price? NONE of these shots show the reality of getting drunk, naked, and promiscuous: the risk of assault, or catching an STD, or…losing your soul one hookup at a time.
Every time–and I mean EVERY time–I hooked up with a stranger while drunk or blacked out, I lost a little bit more of my soul. When I met the man who was my friend and is now my lover, I wasn’t even sure if I could have sex sober. What I also realized, once I confronted it, was how shattered my soul was. I had to collect the pieces off my astral floor (haha, just had to throw that in there!), day by day, week by week, month by month–I had to process the reality of all that promiscuity. Of how it drained me. Of how it distanced me from myself, which during the drunkest times in 2009, was becoming darker and darker–if soul acts like a full moon reflecting the sun, then mine was a patch of night sky, a hole of dark ink.
While I grapple with putting my “youth” behind me, which has been so heavily marketed and branded as something you can only have if you’re drinking in dark bars, doing “dangerous” nighttime things (that, let’s be honest, WERE fun in the act); I also grapple with continuing to put my soul back together. And, I wonder, WHO is going to stop using women (and men) with glasses of wine sitting on their raised asses, posing for doggie-style sex, as selling points for a life that is truly not worth living? WHEN are we going to represent that “dark” and “dangerous” lifestyle realistically, with its morning-after regret and decades-later soul loss?
I might just be speaking for myself, as I’m sure there are plenty of people who like having sex with strangers, drunk or sober; who love the excitement they find in it. I wanted excitement, too, but I also more simply wanted to feel loved, to fit in. I drank to blackout for the excitement, for the “opposite-of-bored”; the promiscuous sex was almost an unwanted byproduct of that desperation–I didn’t like it, and I didn’t want to remember it. I liked getting buzzed, and flirting, and letting go…but, it didn’t matter who I was doing the buzzing, flirting, and letting go with, you know? When I drank, it was for me. It just so happened that sex (or something like it) was usually how it ended, and it was better if I didn’t know about that.
(There were also bigger things, like self-loathing, a certain darkness inside–I mean, we all love Depeche Mode and wonder about dungeons, don’t we?–and really, this idea that I somehow didn’t deserve anything better than sex on a cement floor with someone who was at best, an asshole, at worst, abusive.)
On this Sunday, I am in a somber mood, thinking about all this. But, it’s part of getting sober. And, it’s part of solving–or at least pondering–a larger problem here that I can’t begin to get into but that I know affected me and my drinking LONG before I even picked up that first glass of wine.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I so get the sex part of this: I used alcohol as a permission slip to be promiscuous. The old sex stuff is a HUGE HUGE part of my sobriety. I ache so much for the girl I was- I felt so worthless and ruined when I was really searching for love, needing to be needed. Somber subject for sure.
xoxoxo
amy
I can totally relate as well. At the time I justified it all. Geesh.. I can’t change it so I try to focus on ALL that is great being sober 🙂
“Ass, gas, or grass, nobody rides for free” was the motto of my time on the street. When I say “on the street” I mean standing there waiting for someone to pick me and my sister up and give us a beer or a joint or whatever they happened to have. We started this when I was 15, she was 13. We weren’t prostitutes but were quickly known as sluts (as were all of our other friends). I was too shy to refuse the sex unless he was really gross. It was just the law of the jungle back in the late 70’s, early 80’s. I look back now and mourn for that lost little dumb girl…and think of what I would have done to those guys (always older) if that had been my daughter. We just simply didn’t know any better. It was all in the name of the “party”. How fucking sad. Oh, to be able to slip back in time and do it all different!
But it’s the past…..and that’s where it needs to stay. I think forgiving ourselves is very a very important part of staying sober.
I turn 52 tomorrow. I can’t imagine who would want my sloppy drunk ass if I were to go back and try all that again from a bar stool just for the sport of trying to get free beer that i can easily afford.
What am I saying? There are ALWAYS those that are ready to take advantage of a drunk. I’m sure I’d be rather popular once I started “playing the game”. The one that would make me hate myself & keep me drunk for years. Nah, not worth it. That girl has been dead a long time. I hope she stays that way.
oh just looking for attention, not wanting to be alone ……
You are the cool kid for thinking about this, and getting sober, and being a role model for young women who lose sight of who they really are. xx
DDG, Even in sobriety I looked for love in all the wrong places. It took me so long to even begin to want to feel me …what lived within me. Yes, the promiscuous sex was simply the icing on the cake of self-hatred. I’m beautiful and not because I can seduce a stranger. I’m beautiful because I live a live of integrity. I like me today. Words I couldn’t utter for the better part of my life. Good thoughts to share with us. TY
This is really hard to read, and to think about. Some of my darkest times drinking had to do with this type of stuff — danger, promiscuity, strangers. There are two times in particular that haunt me most: one of them involved bursting into an Ugly Cry in the middle of a hookup with a random guy I’d brought home and sobbing over and over again “I just want you to love me” and the other one… I can’t even talk about it. It’s the one thing I’ve done in my life that I think I might take to the grave. No one knows.
During this time in my drinking I was going out to bars occasionally by myself. I’d go out with friends “normally” and then on the way home I’d stop in somewhere else alone and sit at the bar. It wouldn’t take long before those free drink offers started coming and I’d wind up “bonding” with some random guy — most likely making out with him right there or taking him home. It happened more often than I’d like to admit. Funny enough, I can think of a few times where I’d get them home and then the whole sordid scene would become clear to me and I’d throw them out. Like, just out of nowhere “You need to go. NOW. Get out!” Thankfully, they did.
Wow. I haven’t thought about this stuff in a long time. I’m married now, and have a baby. I’m 3+ years without a drink and so very, very grateful. Sometimes I miss drinking (the holidays and the warm fuzzes of red wine, blah blah blah) and then thinking about these dark days of the past helps me remember that alcohol stopped agreeing with me some time ago.
Deep, dark, sombre stuff.
I have to say for me drinking never really led to much of this. For a start when I drank I generally became more miserable and morose than I was normal – which was a stretch goal to be fair but one I did achieve more often than not. By the time I did ever consider to flirt I was pretty blasted and often quickly rebutted, which secretly is what I wanted anyway as it helped re-afirm my self loathing and low self worth.
I’m glad to be honest that I didn’t make much attempt and that I was rebutted at least I’m not someone now looking back regretting being the arsehole with you on the concrete floor thinking to himself afterwards – was that really ok or was I being abusive in that situation as I know I would probably have been at that time in that place. There were a few minor situations where I’ve looked back with remorse as to what happened and then questioned where I was in that as I say frankly it could be viewed as abusive how I treated some women – again shame, regret and remorse are the overwhelming feelings
Glad to be where I am today
Thanks for posting this DDG – this cannot have been easy for you. I thought twice about commenting given what it brought up in me but I decided to be honest about it and how it has made me think.
Wonderful to have your reply! I have to say, I am a bit behind in replying to comments these days, but must do immediately for this one.
I appreciate your honesty, b/c frankly, I never knew what the men were thinking and I couldn’t (can’t?) believe that anyone would want to hook up with a sloppy drunken mess of a girl! Then again, maybe they were drunk, too, and inhibitions on both sides were lost?
Whatever, it doesn’t matter…what matters is that we are on the other side of that, and are able to see it for what it was.
Thank you… xx
Thank you all for sharing, as I sit here with tears in my eyes after drunkenly going home w/ an ex last night. Him too drunk to have sex, didn’t stop us from trying. Feel gross, sad and stupid today. Pretty sure he does, too. Regrets, I’ve had a few… Needs to stop. Helps heaps to know you’ve all been there and are out there…