Own your holiday

28 Nov

1:48 pm

Happy Thanksgiving, friends.

Needless to say–but I’ll say it anyway–I’m so very grateful to have found this community, and to be a part of it. Just last night, I was feeling low, wondering things like, What’s the point of being festive without wine? Silly, and almost ridiculous after nearly 18 months of getting sober (and on Day 255 today of continuous sobriety), isn’t it? Maybe not.

I got some great insight from so many of your blogs, but the main thing I took away was to simply own my holiday. So what, I didn’t feel like going out last night to the first party of the season? I accepted it (after feeling bad about not wanting to go), didn’t overly dwell on how it related or not to my being sober, and prepared for today: friends in town, a new dress, a green bean salad, and homemade sorrel tea (my beverage contribution to the dinner we’re going to). I mean, I have SO many things that I didn’t have, let’s say, two years ago, it’s almost funny. Come on, at least I HAVE a dinner to go to, a dress to wear, and a body to put it on that isn’t being dragged around by my big, hung over head full of self-hatred. Yeah, there’s that.

I don’t know, I guess just owning my holiday is how I’m going to approach this season. I own my fun, my desire to socialize or not, my choice as to how I perceive all the “should’s” that go along with the holidays. I GET to own it, is the thing; now that I’m sober, I have a choice in everything. I don’t have to do what I don’t want, or what seems fishy or makes me feel weird. When I was drinking, nothing ever really felt right–especially my choices. Now, it feels like getting to choose what really makes me feel OK is what I can’t wait for, not the wine that made this all impossible to see clearly.

I can’t wait to see my old friends at the airport today–for many, many years, it was me going to them, and I’m glad that someone is actually coming to me this year.

I can’t wait to eat a HUGE fucking feast, and not feel too full because of all the wine I drank.

I can’t wait to watch others–yeah, I’m still in that place, but hey, it helps–get drunk and be out of control, compelled to drink more; and have it NOT BE ME. I am in control of my choice, and I choose freedom. At least for tonight, and the rest of the weekend. Whew, isn’t that a relief, too, to already have made the decision to remain sober? Now, I have the luxury of worrying about other stuff, like *everything worth worrying about.*

I can’t wait to put on my new red dress, and I don’t know, appreciate the color, the feel, and the fact that it’ll look almost as pristine after going out as before. I can’t wait to be that girl in the red dress who doesn’t “over-share,” or get sloppy, or get sweaty-headed (you know, that red, sweaty look you get when you’re drinking?). For so many years, I worried about people judging me for being too uptight (I was, I am, I own this now; I am guarded, and shy-ish), and so I drank and the pendulum swung HUGELY back in the opposite direction. I can’t wait to be controlled, to be direct, to stare at someone who is drinking and not flinch, apologetically look away, or make excuses for not imbibing. You can be you, but I’m gonna be me, mmkay? Here. Solid. Steadfast. Sober. And, fucking FUN to talk to for once–because I can carry on a coherent conversation. Shit, I can’t wait to be the “mom” to your 13-year-old tween. HA!

I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow and not have taken the security elevator in a blackout, not to have vomited on the “vomit shirt” that I won, not to have said or done something horrible to a stranger, not to have a blurred recollection of the yummy food I just devoured, literally mindlessly.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

Own it, people.

15 Responses to “Own your holiday”

  1. bizi November 28, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

    well said, happy thanksgiving to you, happy holidays

  2. emanneblog November 28, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    Happy Thanksgiving ! I really needed to read this today!! I’m 10 days sober. My hubbie was talking about drinking a little tonight. He’s made apple pie moon shine & wants to enjoy some…he’s proud of it ! He’s not a big drinker at all …I’d drink enough for both of us :/ lol. I’m not really saying to much about me being sober …yet.I just told him I don’t want to drink tonight. He asked if this not drinking is going to last forever??? I’ve joined the 100 day challenge and mentioned it to him. He doesn’t really get it yet, but he never had issues with controlling drinking so I guess it’s understandable. I plan on going out tonight to Bell for their huge sale & buy several pairs of kick ass boots ( my little treat) & he can drink at home if he’d like! Own my holiday ,right?? !! 🙂

  3. Annabelle Lee November 28, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

    When I was drinking, I used to worry myself sick about whether or not I was going to say or do something stupid, especially during the holidays. God forbid I actually say “No, thank you.” I never had the strength in previous years. I am grateful to be sober this year and excited (like you) to just relax and observe. I have always been a people watcher. Happy Thanksgiving to you!

  4. jenisthesoberist November 28, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

    Yes, yes and yes. It is wonderful to accept that you are who/what you are without using alcohol to change your personality. I too am kinda uptight and shy-ish. 🙂 I bet you rocked it in your red dress!

  5. LeAnn Braun November 28, 2013 at 11:20 pm #

    I just recently found your blog & want to let you know that you are keeping me inspired as I am trying to embrace a sober lifestyle. Thanks!

  6. Belle November 29, 2013 at 5:04 am #

    best sober advice, ever: “You can be you, but I’m gonna be me, mmkay?”

  7. sureasimbreathingnoceiling November 29, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    Hells to the YES on this!

  8. Carrie Kaffer November 29, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    I love this- sobriety is about Owning our Own holidays, our way, about Owning our Own lives, learning how to have fun without alcohol, learning that being our Own Selves, fabulous and flawed, is Enough!! Hip-hip-hurray!!!

  9. Mrs D November 29, 2013 at 8:53 pm #

    Great post! Love it. Hooray for you xxxx

  10. A. November 30, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    I loved this! Oh, isn’t it so nice to just take the paranoia about drinking too much off the table for the holidays? It’s already taken care of. And those awful hangovers, absolutely ruining the party from the night before? So many parties I carefully cooked for, cleaned for, dressed up for, sent out beautiful invitations for, and maybe even enjoyed (for the first hour or two), ruined the next day because there I was, hungover, huddled under the covers having panic attacks and thinking obsessive thoughts about what I did or said and chain-smoking (UGH). This is better. Happy Holidays!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 30, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

      UGH! I know that feeling–and you described it perfectly. It’s funny, how we prepare so wonderfully, hoping that maybe that care will wear off on our drinking. I wish it could have been different, and the only way it is, now, is when I just don’t drink. Congrats, and happy hols to you, too!

  11. Lilly December 1, 2013 at 12:15 am #

    Hello! Did you have a good time? I bypassed a party the other night because it felt a bit too hard – in a nightclub, with heavy drinkers, largely people i don’t know so well, and had some of the same feelings as you.

    BUT, last night I DID go to my first party of the season and I had such a good time that I am still on a natural high today. Yes, I had pangs at first seeing the fully stocked bar/fridge/sink but I moved past it and had a terrific night, good conversations, laughed a lot, realised the overly drunk people were sloppy, too loud, kinda embarrassing, repetitive and boring… had fun, ate too much cake and chips, then got a lift home when people reached that too-boring-drunk-if-you’re-sober point, tucked myself up in bed and felt VERY GOOD.

    I know not every night out is going to be that good/easy. Sometimes it will be harder. People will be drunker. Or they’ll make us feel bad for not drinking. Or the cocktails will look really good. Or we’ll be in an uptight/shitty mood and wish we had wine to take the edge off. But a lot of that stuff has nothing to do with drinking, really, and the after effects still would not be worth it. And the joy and satisfaction when you can rock a party sober and have a great time is AMAZING. I love it! I totally thought about what you said last night about booze not really adding that much to the evening as I was coming home. It really wouldn’t have last night. If anything it only would have taken away plus made today crap instead of loving, productive, relaxing Sunday.

    Let’s ROCK this sober season – looking and feeling great. We can do it. And, like you, I know I need this community to help me know I can do it and feel great about it. Collectively we really, really rock!

    Own it! I love it.

    Lilly xo

    • Lilly December 1, 2013 at 12:17 am #

      I think I’m about to basically copy this comment as a blog post because it says what I wanted to today. 🙂

  12. Betty December 18, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    I like your blog, I have only read a few posts but already can see that everything you speak about makes complete sense to me.

    I also struggle with an alcohol addiction, namely wine. It is reassuring to know that other people feel the same way that I do.

    Thanks for sharing your journey. You have a new follower.

    Betty x

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