8:09 pm
HALT. Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I am hearing that phrase ringing truer and truer the longer I maintain my sobriety. For me, that’d be, Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lack of control, or Tired.
My biggest triggers are indeed hunger and anger–both make me feel like I might want to drink. However, even bigger ones are feeling like I don’t have control and feeling fatigued (sick, or ill, comes in here, too, and maybe that should be put into “lack of control”). I realized this today, as I was interpreting my life as being super-out of my control. A few tears welled up in my eyes as I checked off all the shit that I simply DO NOT have control over:
work
the energy to attain said paycheck
my constant back pain
my ongoing sleep disturbances/insomnia
my water quality (we have cistern water)
my REACTIONS to all this lack of control
etc. (this would include, for example, my greying hair–haha)
In writing this, I realize now that I do, in fact, have control–or the ability to control–all these things! I just have to consider different options.
Obviously, I don’t have control of the world, of the way things happen. BUT, I realized today that there are some things that I NEED control over, to a certain extent, in order to remain sober, basically. And, that what I CAN do is construct a life that feels safe, in that certain elements are there/controlled for.
When it comes to work, I know I need to keep it challenging, but I’ve learned to take breaks, turn it off when need be (well, learning how not to exhaust myself before it’s too late and I hear wolfie breathing down my neck), and set only attainable goals. Once upon a time, I used to believe that “Make your goals unattainable” was a perfect motto to live by. Now? No. Just, no. Not if you’re someone like me, who goes crazy trying. I mean, of course, we all have to work, and we might not like that; but, I can choose to let’s say, write freelance instead of going into an offices every day and doing marketing copy. I can control for the amount I earn, and the amount of time I put in (unless, of course, I’m a new freelance writer, which I am!). Plus, for me, going into an offices adds a dimension of “pain” that is hard for my younger self–and sacral spine–to imagine.
So, OK, I have control over my choice of work. And a relative degree of control over the amount of incidental pain I have to endure every day. Yet…with that tradeoff comes the uncertainty of the freelance paycheck–will I or won’t I either have enough work or have enough energy to find enough work? That, I’d say, is my number one item in the “I feel like I have no control” column. Right under this is my reaction to this kind of stress, which is negative. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t have control over my reactions, and I react, and I feel angry and frustrated–just like I did when I was drinking, and man, it is the exact same feeling and it makes me want to drink. Of course, I calm myself down better now, and talk myself off the edge fairly efficiently, but, I wish I didn’t let myself get there in the first place.
Sometimes a lack of initiative on my part is really just a lack of stamina. I can’t go as hard as I used to; or, I simply don’t want to. Or, I don’t have wine to fuel me. I get tired faster, and what with being so PAWS-y for so long, I am just now recovering my powers of concentration. The past month this has been waning, and it worries me. Being tired–or sick, I guess–hasn’t helped, and that just makes me angry. Very mature, I know.
So, I don’t know what this post is about except, if you need more control, take it. There are some things that need to be there, and that are OK to hold an iron fist above–especially if the stress of not having that control is going to make you wander aimlessly back to the wine aisle in the grocery store. If you need a break, take it. It’s not worth drinking over. If you get extra hungry, or extra tired, or extra angry–hello, PMS!–sleep on it. Manage it, but let some things slide (it’s OK to binge on ice cream for dinner, says Dr. Drunky Drunk Girl; it’s more than OK to sleep for 10 hours if you have the time). It’s not worth drinking over. If you feel like you have no control, maybe you just don’t have enough control? Getting sober is hard and takes a lot of focus and concentration–you are basically re-wiring your brain–you need some things to be taken care of, and not flying around, willy nilly, you know? Maybe you need to construct a tighter household, so to speak; pull some things off the burners; cut the last 14 items off your to-do list–they probably aren’t that important anyway.
Sometimes still, it’s hard to figure out if I’m tired for real, or if I’m burnt out (I see my energy to pitch stories coming in daily, weekly, and monthly waves), or if I’m just being PAWS-y and need a break because my sober brain isn’t ready yet for the big leagues. It’s hard to figure out how, exactly, to react differently, and to gain more control over my reactions. But, I know if I try to change the course of my reactions, even when it feels like I’ve gone too far in, I can do it.
What helped me today to curb my emotional reaction (to the stress of the pressures of freelance, of feeling nostalgic for my grad school years as I contemplate my hourly wage at my new job)? Shutting myself in the office for the first hour or so, and then, taking a little walk later morning. And then, remembering that I am a new me, and I am no longer the girl who reacts violently and carries it with her to the end of the day and the end of three wine bottles. I am a new me, and I do things differently. And, this is how I do it now. And then, realizing that right then and there, I am re-learning how to do things, and how to do things better than I used to. I am practicing this and I am turning the tables. It’s weird, and painful, but good.
Sometimes I feel like a child. With navel-gazing powers that rival a superhero’s. Yes, I’m ready for a change of scenery!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I think some days are just off days, too, and no matter how well we take care of ourselves that will still happen. PMS is a big trigger for me. I keep track of it on a calender but still feel so shitty til it passes. It really triggers my ‘crazies’, which leads me to feeling insecure, picking fights with people, feeling out of control, and then wanting to drink. Ergh. At least I know that once it passes I will feel good again.
You are so right- we can take control of many aspects of our lives. I think the hard part is knowing the difference between what we can control and what we can’t. I think you are very brave! xx
Thanks for this, Jen. Yeah, PMS made me drink like crazy, too, back in the day. I feel depressed, angry, and often, for some reason the hormone fluctuations really make my lower back pain flare up (like, my pain goes from a 2 to a 9 or 10 for like, a week). Anyway, I always feel better after it’s over, and I know that this, too, shall pass. And, drinking only made it that much worse!
Paul (as ever) has beaten me to what I was going to say…
That prayer was a mantra for me in early sobriety – sitting in a traffic jam
“How dare that person in front have the temerity to crash under that lorry like that. Now I’m stuck here in this traffic jam and will miss my AA meeting – do they know what that means to me!”
Seriously that was me about 9 months sober – well dry that isn’t sober is it?
I punched the steering wheel. Then a policeman wonder over – I was about to moan asking him if I could be let through as I was super important and he said “I’m sorry it’ll be longer now the poor man just died”. The wind went from me. I phoned my wife “Hi. I’ve not made it to the meeting there is a crash just off the motorway – I’m going to be ages some guy just died. I love you”. Sorry – I just told her I loved her… what? The serenity prayer is now going in my second voice on loop in my head. I phone my sponsor – “Hi can’t make the meeting, bad crash … etc.” He asks me how I am. I tell him about my anger and suddenly this change of feeling and all that… I cried in the car on the phone to him. He said “The meeting is about to start – you just have a meeting in the car with us” I sat there thinking of the friends I now had there and all that… the serenity prayer on loop.
It was around that time the obsession to drink started to leave me – I’d not drunk for months but it wouldn’t leave my head.
Where I am the HALT is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired… I was at least 3 of those that night. I arrived at the meeting as they stood up to say the serenity prayer which is how the vast majority of UK meetings always end.
I use it daily as a mantra still… I can’t change people or situations, the weather or the government … I can change how I react to it and what I do… that I can change – that is the wisdom bit – which is still frankly a work in slow progress
“I just have to consider different options.” Love this line. Okay, I am reading your blog backwards this morning. I’ve gotten behind with all my reading, but can’t pass on DDG. (I am loving the post titles too) I am excited to see the one year mark arrive for you. Great work. Your journey has been tremendous.