HALT–Hungry, Angry, Lack of control, Tired

12 Feb

8:09 pm

HALT. Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I am hearing that phrase ringing truer and truer the longer I maintain my sobriety. For me, that’d be, Don’t get too Hungry, Angry, Lack of control, or Tired.

My biggest triggers are indeed hunger and anger–both make me feel like I might want to drink. However, even bigger ones are feeling like I don’t have control and feeling fatigued (sick, or ill, comes in here, too, and maybe that should be put into “lack of control”). I realized this today, as I was interpreting my life as being super-out of my control. A few tears welled up in my eyes as I checked off all the shit that I simply DO NOT have control over:

work
the energy to attain said paycheck
my constant back pain
my ongoing sleep disturbances/insomnia
my water quality (we have cistern water)
my REACTIONS to all this lack of control
etc. (this would include, for example, my greying hair–haha)

In writing this, I realize now that I do, in fact, have control–or the ability to control–all these things! I just have to consider different options.

Obviously, I don’t have control of the world, of the way things happen. BUT, I realized today that there are some things that I NEED control over, to a certain extent, in order to remain sober, basically. And, that what I CAN do is construct a life that feels safe, in that certain elements are there/controlled for.

When it comes to work, I know I need to keep it challenging, but I’ve learned to take breaks, turn it off when need be (well, learning how not to exhaust myself before it’s too late and I hear wolfie breathing down my neck), and set only attainable goals. Once upon a time, I used to believe that “Make your goals unattainable” was a perfect motto to live by. Now? No. Just, no. Not if you’re someone like me, who goes crazy trying. I mean, of course, we all have to work, and we might not like that; but, I can choose to let’s say, write freelance instead of going into an offices every day and doing marketing copy. I can control for the amount I earn, and the amount of time I put in (unless, of course, I’m a new freelance writer, which I am!). Plus, for me, going into an offices adds a dimension of “pain” that is hard for my younger self–and sacral spine–to imagine.

So, OK, I have control over my choice of work. And a relative degree of control over the amount of incidental pain I have to endure every day. Yet…with that tradeoff comes the uncertainty of the freelance paycheck–will I or won’t I either have enough work or have enough energy to find enough work? That, I’d say, is my number one item in the “I feel like I have no control” column. Right under this is my reaction to this kind of stress, which is negative. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t have control over my reactions, and I react, and I feel angry and frustrated–just like I did when I was drinking, and man, it is the exact same feeling and it makes me want to drink. Of course, I calm myself down better now, and talk myself off the edge fairly efficiently, but, I wish I didn’t let myself get there in the first place.

Sometimes a lack of initiative on my part is really just a lack of stamina. I can’t go as hard as I used to; or, I simply don’t want to. Or, I don’t have wine to fuel me. I get tired faster, and what with being so PAWS-y for so long, I am just now recovering my powers of concentration. The past month this has been waning, and it worries me. Being tired–or sick, I guess–hasn’t helped, and that just makes me angry. Very mature, I know.

So, I don’t know what this post is about except, if you need more control, take it. There are some things that need to be there, and that are OK to hold an iron fist above–especially if the stress of not having that control is going to make you wander aimlessly back to the wine aisle in the grocery store. If you need a break, take it. It’s not worth drinking over. If you get extra hungry, or extra tired, or extra angry–hello, PMS!–sleep on it. Manage it, but let some things slide (it’s OK to binge on ice cream for dinner, says Dr. Drunky Drunk Girl; it’s more than OK to sleep for 10 hours if you have the time). It’s not worth drinking over. If you feel like you have no control, maybe you just don’t have enough control? Getting sober is hard and takes a lot of focus and concentration–you are basically re-wiring your brain–you need some things to be taken care of, and not flying around, willy nilly, you know? Maybe you need to construct a tighter household, so to speak; pull some things off the burners; cut the last 14 items off your to-do list–they probably aren’t that important anyway.

Sometimes still, it’s hard to figure out if I’m tired for real, or if I’m burnt out (I see my energy to pitch stories coming in daily, weekly, and monthly waves), or if I’m just being PAWS-y and need a break because my sober brain isn’t ready yet for the big leagues. It’s hard to figure out how, exactly, to react differently, and to gain more control over my reactions. But, I know if I try to change the course of my reactions, even when it feels like I’ve gone too far in, I can do it.

What helped me today to curb my emotional reaction (to the stress of the pressures of freelance, of feeling nostalgic for my grad school years as I contemplate my hourly wage at my new job)? Shutting myself in the office for the first hour or so, and then, taking a little walk later morning. And then, remembering that I am a new me, and I am no longer the girl who reacts violently and carries it with her to the end of the day and the end of three wine bottles. I am a new me, and I do things differently. And, this is how I do it now. And then, realizing that right then and there, I am re-learning how to do things, and how to do things better than I used to. I am practicing this and I am turning the tables. It’s weird, and painful, but good.

Sometimes I feel like a child. With navel-gazing powers that rival a superhero’s. Yes, I’m ready for a change of scenery!

7 Responses to “HALT–Hungry, Angry, Lack of control, Tired”

  1. carrythemessage February 12, 2014 at 8:35 pm #

    I am sure you have heard of the serenity prayer:

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Control is one of those things that we hear about in recovery. The idea that we tried to control every single thing in our lives, including people and situations, and it was a disaster. I can’t control my family as much as I can’t control the weather. or my boss. Or the traffic, etc. And that’s where I would get ramped up and pissed off and completely alter my reality so that it fit in a way that I saw it fit. I was playing God, really.

    Of course we need control of some things – I have choices to make daily, minute to minute at times and that’s life. Where I don’t have control is the bigger stuff – other people, events, situations…some things really have nothing to do with me and I have no sway either way. That’s where I have to get serenity – to realize that shit is going to happen and I just have to make sure I am as groovy as possible about it.

    As for the HALT – I was never a fan of that, but I know that it works for a lot of people. Early on it does, for sure. I ate, napped and went to countless meetings to make sure I was surrounded by others. Many times today even, the answer is a nap, or just going to bed early (tonight seems a good day for that one!)

    Good stuff here, my friend. The takeaway for me here is about taking care of one’s self. Self care is a big thing for me, and when I don’t listen to my body or my mind…I can suffer for it.

    Take care (literally!) 🙂

    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 12, 2014 at 8:57 pm #

      Thank you, Paul! It seems weird that I am only now learning–or re-learning–self-care. But, you’re right, we can’t control what happens, we just have to be able to react (in my case) better! xx

    • Amina C February 14, 2014 at 1:43 am #

      Paul, you are a wise one!

  2. jenisthesoberist February 13, 2014 at 11:50 am #

    I think some days are just off days, too, and no matter how well we take care of ourselves that will still happen. PMS is a big trigger for me. I keep track of it on a calender but still feel so shitty til it passes. It really triggers my ‘crazies’, which leads me to feeling insecure, picking fights with people, feeling out of control, and then wanting to drink. Ergh. At least I know that once it passes I will feel good again.

    You are so right- we can take control of many aspects of our lives. I think the hard part is knowing the difference between what we can control and what we can’t. I think you are very brave! xx

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 13, 2014 at 1:47 pm #

      Thanks for this, Jen. Yeah, PMS made me drink like crazy, too, back in the day. I feel depressed, angry, and often, for some reason the hormone fluctuations really make my lower back pain flare up (like, my pain goes from a 2 to a 9 or 10 for like, a week). Anyway, I always feel better after it’s over, and I know that this, too, shall pass. And, drinking only made it that much worse!

  3. furtheron February 14, 2014 at 5:19 am #

    Paul (as ever) has beaten me to what I was going to say…

    That prayer was a mantra for me in early sobriety – sitting in a traffic jam

    “How dare that person in front have the temerity to crash under that lorry like that. Now I’m stuck here in this traffic jam and will miss my AA meeting – do they know what that means to me!”

    Seriously that was me about 9 months sober – well dry that isn’t sober is it?

    I punched the steering wheel. Then a policeman wonder over – I was about to moan asking him if I could be let through as I was super important and he said “I’m sorry it’ll be longer now the poor man just died”. The wind went from me. I phoned my wife “Hi. I’ve not made it to the meeting there is a crash just off the motorway – I’m going to be ages some guy just died. I love you”. Sorry – I just told her I loved her… what? The serenity prayer is now going in my second voice on loop in my head. I phone my sponsor – “Hi can’t make the meeting, bad crash … etc.” He asks me how I am. I tell him about my anger and suddenly this change of feeling and all that… I cried in the car on the phone to him. He said “The meeting is about to start – you just have a meeting in the car with us” I sat there thinking of the friends I now had there and all that… the serenity prayer on loop.

    It was around that time the obsession to drink started to leave me – I’d not drunk for months but it wouldn’t leave my head.

    Where I am the HALT is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired… I was at least 3 of those that night. I arrived at the meeting as they stood up to say the serenity prayer which is how the vast majority of UK meetings always end.

    I use it daily as a mantra still… I can’t change people or situations, the weather or the government … I can change how I react to it and what I do… that I can change – that is the wisdom bit – which is still frankly a work in slow progress

  4. Lisa Neumann February 24, 2014 at 10:00 am #

    “I just have to consider different options.” Love this line. Okay, I am reading your blog backwards this morning. I’ve gotten behind with all my reading, but can’t pass on DDG. (I am loving the post titles too) I am excited to see the one year mark arrive for you. Great work. Your journey has been tremendous.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Dogmatic Panic

just a dude writing about being a dude

Violet Tempest

Author of Gothic Horror & Romance

Walking in Sober Boots

Footfalls on a Path of Recovery

Sober Mormon

Navigating life after Mormonism and addiction recovery. (It's a trip.)

Ditching the Wine

Getting myself sober; the ups and downs

The Sober Experiment

Start your journey of self discovery

Devon Maid

Devon Maid is a story about my ongoing wellbeing journey and life in a rural playground

Sober and Well

Live your best life free from alcohol

The Phoenix Files

The Outspoken Opinions of S.M. Phoenix

cuprunnethover

Filling my Cup with what Matters

Lauren Steinheimer

freelance writer. trail runner. relentless savage.

winesoakedramblings - the blog of Vickie van Dyke

because the drunken pen writes the sober heart ...

I love my new life!

Changing my life to be the best me. My midlife journey into sobriety, passions and simple living/downshifting.

Waking up on the Wrong Side of 50

Navigating the second half of my life

Sunbeam Sobriety

Just a normal lass from Yorkshire and her journey into happy sobriety

runningfromwine

Welcome to my journey to end my addiction to wine!

Without the whine

Exploring the heart of what matters most

New Beginnings

My Journey to Staying Sober.

Sober Yogi

My journey to wholeness

When Women Inspire

Inspiring women in business, health, and lifestyle

The Sobriety Tree

Putting in roots; mixing metaphors at the leaf level

'Nomorebeer'

A sobriety blog started in 2019

A Spiritual Evolution

Alcoholism recovery in light of a Near Death Experience

No Wine I'm Fine

An alcoholfree journey in New Zealand with a twist

Untipsyteacher

I am a retired teacher who quit drinking and found happiness! After going deaf, I now have two cochlear implants!

Life Beyond Booze

The joys, benefits and challenges of living sober and alcohol free

Functioningguzzler

In reality I was barely functioning at all - life begins with sobriety.

Mental Health @ Home

Building mental wellness on a foundation of strength

Faded Jeans Living

By Dwight Hyde

Moderately Sober

Finding my contented self the sober way

Sober Courage

from liquid courage to sober courage

Musings Of A Crazy Cat Lady

The personal and professional ramblings of a supposedly middle aged crazy cat lady

Life in the Hot Lane

The Bumpy Road of Life as a Woman 45+

Wake up!

Operation Get A Life

doctorgettingsober

A psychiatrist blogging about her own demons and trying to deal with them sober

Storm in a Wine Glass

I used to drink and now I don't

Off-Dry

I got sober. Life got big.

Laura Parrott Perry

We've all got a story to tell.

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

Dorothy Recovers

An evolving tale of a new life in recovery

Lose 'da Booze

MY Journey towards Losing 'da Booze Voice within and regaining self-control

Laurie Works

MA., NCC, RYT, Somatic Witch

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

The Soberist Blog

a life in progress ... sans alcohol

soberjessie

Getting sober to be a better mother, wife, and friend

mentalrollercoaster

the musings and reflections of one person's mental amusement park

TRUDGING THROUGH THE FIRE

-Postcards from The Cauldron

%d bloggers like this: