5:30 pm
Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA this past week. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and writing, which is when my blogging seems to go by the wayside.
Anyhoo, the past few weeks have been…up and down. I’ve felt like drinking, more for the, Why the hell not? and the, I can’t really do this boring sobriety thing forever, can I? But, the sober habit takes over, and I get all these “god shots,” mainly in the form of alcoholics telling me about their nights out, and me going, Uh huh, that sounds absolutely stupid and not fun. My, how things have changed! 🙂
Really, though, the fact is, when I give myself the option (sometimes I have been lately) of drinking, I wrestle with it for about an hour, and always end up with the same answer: Nah.
Nah, I don’t feel like being bloated. Nah, I don’t feel like going to the store to even buy the stuff–too lazy. Nah, I don’t have the money–too cheap. Nah, it’s not really going to make the people here more interesting–too cynical. Nah, I don’t want to feel blurry-headed during, and like UTTER HELL the next day. Nah, I don’t know how it’s going to affect me now, and I’m too comfortable in my sobriety, wearing my fuzzy sober socks and zoning out to HGTV, that I can’t even be bothered to drink. Nah, it’s just not enough anymore. I don’t know if all this is good, bad, or in between; but I’ve come to embrace it as one more step forward, somehow.
I’ve also had lots of issues coming to the forefront this week, and I can’t not deal. I need to deal, and I know–KNOW–that drinking wine means putting off dealing. I mean, here they are, my core issues, and I am in a right (sober) mind where I simply can no longer NOT think in detail about why and how and what regarding these things.
What’s coming up? Forgiveness and self-love. Or, lack thereof when it comes to both. They’ve been in my pot, boiling, coming up to the surface every so often, showing their faces. Ugly faces, sometimes. How to do both? I guess…I really don’t know. I never learned how.
I’ve been busily bumping along–thankfully, I am busy. However, I’ve also felt near-constant anxiety. Here and there; sometimes big gusts of adrenaline that don’t subside until my interviews are done, or until I’ve once again managed to pitch a story idea or write about a scientific concept/field of study that is seriously mind-numbingly difficult to grasp. (Ugh; first order of business when I get my ducks in a row: finding a way to earn a living that pays my bills AND doesn’t make my brain hurt.)
I’m not one to manifest physical symptoms, but, lately, it’s all I can do to not feel the adrenaline pooling in my belly; a certain restlessness at night (I swear, I haven’t slept more than three or four hours in a row for like, over a year); intermittent brain fog, which, I have to say, sometimes feels like it might break into voices in my head…which obviously would be bad and scares me, so the past two times it’s happened I’ve just gone to sleep, hoping that it will be gone in the morning. And it has been. But…it’s weird.
I am chalking it up to my overreacting to the brother’s girlfriend; some days, I’m fine, ready to tackle the wedding, and don’t really care what she thinks or does when we see each other. Other days, it’s all bad, and I feel sick with nerves, and my preoccupation fills my brain to the point where I can’t work. Those days suck, and I berate myself for letting her get to me, but, honestly, I just don’t know what to do but accept it as a bad day, hope tomorrow is better, and continue to meditate to incense and Tibetan healing bells (yes, I do this).
So, there’s this happening. I have to say, though, this has got to be it, right? Like, if I can make it through learning forgiveness AND self-love…can’t I make it through anything? And, the past few days, I’ve really come to accept that IF someone (ahem, you know who) chooses to hold a grudge, there really is nothing stopping me from not caring, from continuing along my path. I will continue to live, to smile, to laugh, to be happy and free; continue to learn and strive; to be sober, or not, if I choose. In the end, whatever I do, it just doesn’t matter what she does. It doesn’t matter ONE BIT to me what or how she is to me at the wedding. This is good-day thinking, and I simply hope it lasts, and I’m getting somewhere. I’ve realized that she is a small, small person; and these days, I don’t do small people. I don’t have to. As Belle says, Look away.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Listen to Tara Brach’s talk on forgiveness. Easy to find with Google. She’s helped me massively. Hang in there. you are going great guns at this crazy tricky absolutely insane journey we are on called life (sometimes you just wonder what the fuck it’s all about eh..??!!) Have a bubble bath. In fact that’s a bloody good idea and I’m going to have one myself. Been screaming at little boys all morning. I’m also going to buy myself a trashy magazine to read in that bath. Wow, good idea Mrs D. Glad I popped by DDG! Big love xxx
Thanks, Mrs. D, was searching for some smart, soothing dharma and meditation talks! And DDG: ” In the end, whatever I do, it just doesn’t matter what she does.” That’s it. Let go, let dog. ; ) (You can also omit the “whatever I do.” I think crux is” “…it just doesn’t matter what she does.” Yay to good-day thinking, I have that not often enough!
Totally relate.
For me, tonight, it’s “Nah, I’ll just watch like 4 (or 8) straight episodes of Pretty Little Liars.”
ohh..Tara Brach, yes! And look into lovingkindness meditation, metta meditation, makes all the difference for me.
I love your blog but i just have to say that you are allowing this GF way, WAY too much space in your head…you wrote about her all the time and I can’t even imagine what is going on in your mind every day.
I have lots of solutions for this type of resentment, most AA related and I don’t think you do that, so the meditation practice is my best thought.
It has been proven to me over and over that resentment is the one thing I cannot afford, the main thing that will lead me to picking up a drink, and so I work on not having them, i don’t dwell on them or feed them.
One of my favorite sayings is that what others think of me is none of my business…I just do the best i can and let the chips fall where they may. I do my best to do no harm and that’s all I can do.
You are right….look away
I don’t know this person..so I can’t know if she is an alcoholic or not an alcoholic..I have attended hundreds of AA meatings over the years…and I think we could split it down the middle..I think there is some other illness going on there.. 50% alcohol..50% something else going on??..maybe I am wrong..Long time since I have been to an AA meeting..out grown it..Good luck to all of you,not everybody makes it….
I am so new to the sobriety world (14 days without alcohol) and even newer at blogging 2 days…so what do I know. I really enjoyed reading this post, it reminded me of how often I obsess and allow my mind to have its way. It’s easier said to just look away. In an easy world that is what you COULD/Should do but in a real world it’s just not that simple. I think a lot of what you are dealing with goes back to acceptance and pleasing others. I think it still matters to you how she feels about you cause she is so close to someone you truly love, which is you brother. I think if she wasn’t connect to someone so dear to you it wouldn’t matter as much.
Also I think we avoid to much, which leave things unresolved…..to look a way does not make it go away it’s just being AVOIDED and left undone! I have avoided so many things in my life hoping it would just vanish but when I look back, it”s still there. Please remind yourself as you have done in so many other situations that this to shall pass and ask yourself what’s the worst thing that can come out of seeing her at the wedding? I know I’m not the best writer and hope my post is clear despite the rambling……FACE THE DRAGON, HE WON’T LEAVE UNTIL YOU DO!
Again what do I know.
Prisci
Maybe the constant rumination, insomnia and intrusive thoughts that feel scary are all indicative of a clinical depression. The yearn to drink again is about medicating those feelings. Would you consider a psychiatric consult? No reason to suffer if you don’t have to
I agree…I had to reach out to a psychiatrist, I can honestly say the medication is helping. I was on meds previous but I was drinking while taking the medication and think it mad my drunk episodes worse. I lied to my doctor about drinking, but has come clean these last couple of weeks. I am scheduled to have blood-work done next week and I’m kind of scared of how the alcohol/meds combination has impacted my health.
Do you absolutely have to go to the wedding? Don’t feel constrained by convention 🙂
Good to hear from you friend, been wondering how you’re doing. And I just love the ‘Nah’ response. I know what you mean too. There are those times I really, really (think I?) want to drink and others when it does just seem stupid, pointless, a hassle.
Your brother’s girlfriend is SUCH a douche bag. I really hope the wedding ultimately proves to be an empowering experience of rising above. (Or if all else fails, sneaking ex-lax in her wine.) xo
Thanks, Lilly! Yeah, I’ve decided to not give her any more head space…she’s sad, and small. But, she’s not my problem. I think the wedding will be very empowering, and at best, releasing (of me, from her).
Yeah, a lot of times these days, I just think, Well, I’m comfortable in being sober–I’m SO used to it–why “bother” drinking?
Really hope things are going well…and you’re staying strong. It’s that hump, you know? It took me 15 or 16 months, but I finally did get there. HUGS.
Man… I can relate to this post today! In fact I was just talking about something similar on my blog last night. I too have been feeling kind of indifferent about everything lately. The thought of drinking has entered my mind, but it’s too much trouble. Would rather just watch TV like you said.
A lot of the other commenters have suggested going to see a psychologist, and I would like to second that! I see one to supplement my AA meetings. It is nice to talk to someone that knows that not EVERY problem that comes about is because I am an alcoholic. I think that adds to a lot of the anxiety that people in recovery feel. It seems like every issue that comes up has been created by our addiction. I do not believe this to be true.
Another upside to seeing a psych is that all those crazy thoughts that you have been having?….You can just get ’em off your chest. If I told everyone what I tell my psychologist people would think I was crazy. Maybe I am…a little.However, it really helps to vocalize some of that crazy because it helps you to put words on it, and understand it a little better.
Anyways, thanks for the post and glad to see that you are back to writing.