It’s not you, it’s the alcohol

18 May

10:55 pm

Lately, I’ve been feeling better than ever. Very clear-headed. Confident. At peace. No cravings–none when I get up, none when I go to sleep. The winds of crazy in my head have died down: no thought circles, no ruminations on what could have and should have been done.

The alcohol has left my brain, and my brain has finally healed.

All I can say is, if you’re still struggling with mood swings, emotional ups and downs, and in general, a sense of anxiety and paranoia–it IS all in your head, in a sense. It’s the lingering effects on your brain chemistry of the alcohol; it’s not “you.”

I have been working a lot (both keepin’ on keepin’ on with the freelancing as well as my part-time real estate job), researching and prepping for a volun-tour trip (or, “volunteer vacation,” which term I actually despise as it’s a bit of a generalization) this summer, and mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the wedding/”confrontation” with The Girlfriend–which is to say, I’m over it. SO OVER IT. I’ve made the effort, and they have refused; nothing more I can do. In fact, I have nothing left to give when it comes to them–and not in a negative way, just in a better-things-to-do way. The wedding seems simple now: Just be myself, and enjoy the company of everyone else! I don’t have to engage with them at all, and frankly, I don’t plan to. I’ve let them go.

Actually, I’ve been doing a lot of letting go the past few weeks, and it’s been liberating. Finally. It’s taken a long time, but I really do see that as your brain heals, your mind heals, and your heart heals. In that order. It’s not you, it’s the alcohol. (Mostly!)

I’ll keep you all posted on what goes down this week (we leave on Wed., and the ceremony is Fri. – Sun.). Thanks to all for the insightful and helpful comments–hope to post more in the next few weeks.

19 Responses to “It’s not you, it’s the alcohol”

  1. Mrs D May 18, 2014 at 11:20 pm #

    Good Luck!1 This is so wonderful to read.. I really do feel heart-burstingly happy for you that you have worked through such tough tough stuff.. you are SOBER and BRAVE and CONTENT and for that you should be

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 18, 2014 at 11:25 pm #

      Thank you thank you! It’s crazy how I never would have thought this could be: I don’t spend any part of my day thinking about when I’m going to drink. It’s just been replaced with life, living, or quiet down-time when I don’t fret and twitch. It’s just soooo nice, a long stretch of life to live. Thank YOU for your strength and guidance…

  2. Marilyn May 19, 2014 at 6:18 am #

    What is it about weddings… Weddings seem to be a hot button for all recovering alcoholics. I know someone who went to a faux hoedown wedding where they toasted the bride with liquor filled mason jars and my friend couldn’t find a waiter to bring him one with something nonalcoholic, so HE had to toast with tepid tap water in a greasy tumbler with one sad little ice sliver floating. He says he felt like it was a metaphor. He felt so second-class he STOLE a mason jar off a table on the way home. Defiance I guess, this is not someone who regularly robs convenience stores…
    Don’t let that happen to you! Good luck and thank you for your honest insights!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 19, 2014 at 8:54 am #

      Oh, no! Haha…that is hilarious. Well, I plan to be rocking my seltzer water and hint of grapefruit! (Plus, my brother and uncle and mom have been very supportive, so I am sure there will be lots of classy sober options. If not, I will make my own!) YAH, I was at a wedding when I was recently sober, and it was way awkward when the champagne toast came around–I had no idea what to do with my glass of champagne, so I just waved it in the air and put it down. *groans* I shall be fine–I couldn’t give two shits who is drinking what these days, and anyway, I do NOT more want to be that drunken idiot who is falling into the cake face-first. 😉

  3. carrythemessage May 19, 2014 at 8:21 am #

    Letting go…the more I do it, the calmer I am. Coincidence…I think not 😉

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 19, 2014 at 8:58 am #

      I know! It is just happening, this letting go…almost against my will. 😉 I don’t have the energy to care so much, I am too busy living and maintaining my own sense of happiness/serenity (which takes work, you know). Ahh…yeah. We’ll see when Friday night rolls around, but, I will be thinking of all my sober buds, knowing that yes, I/we have come a long, long way.

  4. Belle May 19, 2014 at 8:23 am #

    hugs from me, i like the sounds of this post. i could do with some ‘letting go’ myself 🙂 thanks for being inspiring. again.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 19, 2014 at 8:59 am #

      Thanks to you, Belle! I try, I try. We’ll see come Friday night, but honestly, I feel so very…OK with everything. If “he/she/they” like me, OK. If they hate me, OK. If they blah blah blah–where’s the cake? 😉

  5. Bob May 19, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

    That was great for me to read as I’m 7 months sober now and still dealing with brain fog, anxiety, and just not feeling normal..Some days are better than others and it all started 9 days after I quit drinking CT

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 19, 2014 at 3:18 pm #

      I KNOW! I remember well… IT GETS BETTER. It really does. Hang in there–I read it can take up to 20 months to get over PAWS…

  6. earlysobriety May 20, 2014 at 12:55 am #

    Good luck at the wedding, DDG 🙂 I know you have been so nervous about this, but you sound strong, and ready to take on whatever challenges the wedding might throw at you. While I have a lot of problems with AA, I really do like its message about how our job is just to keep our own side of the street clean. We aren’t responsible for others’ behavior; your brother’s gf can behave however she wants, but if you’re happy with the way you behave in response, that is all that matters. Wishing you the best!

  7. Lulu May 22, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

    Good luck this weekend! Rise above! x ~Lulu

  8. Amy May 22, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

    Kick some ass sea bass! Ooop. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, exactly. 😉 But for real, I hope you have a fine time this weekend and that some things can settle. I’m sending lots of zen and super-ignoring-annoying-things powers your way, and I’m glad you’ll have some support there. And, yay! Cake!

  9. Mrs D May 24, 2014 at 3:15 pm #

    Thinking of you this weekend xxxx

  10. Beth May 31, 2014 at 11:49 pm #

    Ok, now it’s time to come back and tell us how it went. Either or any which way. I know I’ve not written on here before, but I’ve been reading and following loyally and I’m worried about how the heck that damn wedding went. So come on back and let us know, girlfriend. You’ve been a great inspiration to me in my first three months sober (minus two days) and, well, I’m worried now, frankly.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl June 1, 2014 at 5:39 pm #

      Don’t be! I will write soon–we had a week-long road trip following. Wedding went GREAT. THANKS for your note…promise to write soon. 🙂 -DDG

      • furtheron June 3, 2014 at 10:00 am #

        Glad to see an update… can’t wait for an update…

  11. JI June 2, 2014 at 5:17 pm #

    I think a bunch of us just let out a breath of relief after your update. Figured it was probably just that well, you’ve got a life and all, but nice to hear it for sure. – Just another lurker here.

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