Lesson in amends

13 May

10:33 am

Saturday.  I have to say, before I start ranting about anything, I am grateful.  Every morning, of every day, I am grateful–relieved, joyful, content–to wake up sober.  To a life I sort of think I deserve, but probably not.  (haha)  I have my fiance, my dogs, the blaring tropical sun bleating off the blue ocean below; I have a freelance career that I’ve somehow made work for 5 years; I have a past that I don’t have to live anymore, but that I get to consider, and to think about, and to dwell on, only as much as I want or need.  I am here, and not there.  Why?  How did I deserve this?

Because I worked my ASS off.  (There she is!  Good morning, ego.)

All that being said, I still have trouble dealing with people from my past, relationships gone sour or become nonexistent (maybe not directly because of my drinking, but related to it on one level or another).  And, while I’m eager to “forgive and forget,” it’s not easy.  And mostly, I’m still sort of angry, I guess, at people who have written me off!  It’s not that I’m angry all day, every day; it’s that, when I think about attempting to rekindle our friendship, I think, Eh, it’s been too long.  Eh, I have other relationships that I’ve cultivated here, where I live now, that make more sense to put energy into.  Eh, you sort of wrote me off, or didn’t take my “getting sober” that seriously; why would I want to relate now?  The problem with all this thinking is that, you just don’t know if people need an amends, or if they just need a phone call or an email–have you hurt them or has the relationship simply moved on?  I have to say, every relationship is unique, and has a unique past; so it’s hard to generalize what I would or could or should do.

I received a couple emails recently that made me start thinking more about all this again.  One was from a friend, someone I’ve known since undergrad–needless to say, we’ve been through a lot.  I mean, I consider her my sister (or, sistah, as it were).  However, while we were friends, there were a few key things I really hated about her  personality–one was her grudge-holding.  My hatred eventually came out, when I got drunk.  As you can imagine, when my drinking got bad and our friendship dissolved, she wrote me off.  (At least, that’s how I remember it; who knows, maybe she thought I wrote her off?)  When I got sober, I sent her a few emails (this was years ago)–nice emails, reaching-out emails.  I never heard from her, so imagined that I never would.  BAM!  About two months ago, I got an email from her, wanting to reconnect.  It was short and sweet, but in the end, I truly appreciated it.

It took me a few months to reply, though.  I couldn’t believe or want to accept that she had held a grudge for so many years (I believe it’s been 7 years)!?  On the flip, that’s one thing I really disliked about her, and watched her do over the years to many other people, so I’m not sure why it surprised me.  In any case, I just wasn’t sure she “deserved” a reply.  Then, I got another email (see below) and realized that my hesitation to reach back to her was because of my own sore ego.  Let it go, I said to myself.  The real question is not, Should I forgive her and let her back into my life?, it’s, Do I really want a relationship with her, going forward?  I’m pretty sure she’s changed, and grown; and so have I, and I think she probably assumes that about me–yet, I’m scared to find out.  I did eventually reply, so we’ll see where it goes from here.

And then there is the case of my brother’s email.  Yes, that brother.  Yes, the one who has been forgiving and “unforgiving” me for the past 5 years.  Yes, the one with the girlfriend who takes “angry and bitter” to incredible heights.  Inhale, Drunky Drunk Girl.

Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale.

I’m not sure I ever really understood making amends–the concept, really, and how to do it right.  I’m not sure I ever really did it right, but, I did it, and sometimes, it backfired.  Frankly, I always had this niggling sense that raking up the past was worse than just letting shit be.  Of course, if I truly wanted that person in my real life, then I would attempt to rekindle a broken relationship; but this almost always did NOT involve apologizing again for my bad behavior while drunk.  In those cases, it was never received well.  I didn’t know how to make up for my bad behavior except to say I was sorry, and to let them know I was sober.  Beyond that, if they refused to accept, then what else could I do?  I just always felt like I left them angrier than if I hadn’t said anything at all!

I think for most of us, we focus on the shit we did wrong, and who has NOT forgiven us, in our amends; instead of focusing on the other person’s perspective, how they feel, how we’ve affected them, and their choice in the matter.  That’s a lesson for the ages, though, and for everyone–how to let go of your ego when you say you’re sorry.  I have to say, the hardest lesson, by far, I’ve had to learn in both sobriety, and be extension, normal life is the one where you tell yourself “it doesn’t matter what they think of me” and actually believe it.  Actually embrace it.  Actually, move on, if you have to.  And do it all in empathy, with nothing but good will and honest compassion for their choice, even if that choice is to stay angry.

Oof, our egos do not like that.  Which is ironic, because most of the time, we’re not fighting for the relationships, we’re fighting for our ego–we want to know that we are loved, that we’ve been given a chance at redemption, that we are worthy of that.  If I’m honest, most of the relationships I tried to amend–make up for my wrongdoing–I actually didn’t want to continue to have, after getting sober.  There were huge flaws, cracks, and those cracks sucked me into them when I got drunk–hence, the raging blackouts directed at people who were, in reality, frenemies.  (My problem was, having so many frenemies in the first place.)

So it goes with my brother.  He’s forgiven me and then taken it back numerous times these past 5 years, and he just did it again.  (And, via an unexpected email, which, by the way, I consider a form of bullying.)  I see things so much more clearly now, and suffice it to say, I know that there is nothing I can or need to do at this point.  The “incident” where I went bat-shit crazy on their asses while blacked out happened over 5 years ago, and in that time, we’ve all gone back and forth with the mean notes and apologies, and more mean notes and more apologies.  This time, I got another email saying he has not forgiven me–and will not consider it–until I apologize to his girlfriend.

Um, OK.  At first I thought maybe he wrote it while blacked out (or she did; she’s drunk to blackout and sent me mean notes–oh, the irony), because it certainly exudes some kind of delusion, some kind of altered reality.  It sounds like HER words written in his hand, which it could very well be.  She’s the one who refused every single attempt at my amends, and viciously so, not him.

I started shaking when I got it, which I hate to admit; so I immediately called my mom.  I didn’t know what else to do.  She gave me some perspective–there is nothing I need to do; this is their drama, don’t get dragged into it again; it’s time for you to move on, because sometimes in life, we don’t get closure–and I’m grateful for that, and for her.  (And, it makes me remember how wise and present and loving my mom has always been, through all of our and her own struggles–I need to see her more!?)

I wanted to reply with a litany of “I did this, see this email; she sent that, see this crazy Facebook message or that bizarro email sent from your email account, btw;” but, I didn’t.  And, I see now that I should not.  Because, there is one thing that I know for sure to be true in this situation:  what they think of me is none of my business.  I cannot change what they choose to believe, and how they choose to feel, and how they choose to behave.  NO email in the world is going to change those things, because those things are theirs.  It’s not my business what other people think of me.  End of story.

Exhale.

It’s not easy seeing the forest through the trees when it comes to amends, and forgiveness–and, what it all means on a practical level.  For me, a true people-pleaser, it’s hard to not be forgiven!  And, as a persistent-as-fuck person, it’s really hard for me to stop trying (remember:  I want to win!).  Once I remove my ego from the equation,  though, I am left asking myself:  Do you actually want a relationship with that person, if they do forgive me?  Often the answer is, no.  I have good relationships now, with people who are real, and honor my sober person.  The thing is, I’ve always tried to maintain friendships over the years, even in spite of the recognition that we’ve both changed…beyond the point of no return, so to speak.  It’ just something I’ve done, been brought up to do.  Maybe it’s time to try something new.

Five years later, and I’m still learning fundamental lessons about sobriety!  Believe me, friends, it gets better, and the work gets harder, but the well never runs dry.  This is our path, as we get sober:  toward truth, toward enlightenment, toward peace.  As my fiance and I were sitting on the beach the other day, and as I was just floating in the water, embracing the big blue; as we drove home over the hill and came into our ridiculous view of rolling green hills and ocean to horizon–it dawned on me that my brother does not have peace.  Whether he’s angry, or jealous, or just unwilling to address negative emotions, he does not have peace.

I have peace.  Some of the time.  I might not have closure, and I might not have HIM in my life, but I have peace.  And, I am grateful for that.  In fact, I have the sense that not only is it the cornerstone of my sobriety, and sober life–it’s probably the most I can hope for…to just be, in peace.

11 Responses to “Lesson in amends”

  1. mishedup May 13, 2017 at 7:45 pm #

    This is wonderful….so thoughtful, so honest.
    It’s amazing to see the people that have been around for a while..the changes, the growth.
    Thanks for this

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 13, 2017 at 9:21 pm #

      And, same to you–it’s so awesome to realize I’ve been here almost 5 years, and still have some great blogging friends. So glad you’re still here, reading and writing, too! 🙂

  2. ainsobriety May 13, 2017 at 9:22 pm #

    Listen to your mother. She knows.
    Hug. It must be hard to be trapped in an impossible situation. Something happened. You took steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again and you apologized. Years have passed.

    Hug
    Anne

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 13, 2017 at 9:28 pm #

      Yes, yes, and yes. I like how you put it, impossible. I don’t know if I want to believe that, but on some level, it’s true. It’s at these times when I look back at my growth, and I feel grateful that I’m not back there anymore; that I can see things more clearly; that I can let some things go. HUGS back to you!

  3. Just Some Woman May 15, 2017 at 3:21 pm #

    I had a friend such as you are speaking of. I ditched her a few years ago due to drama, lies, and her just being a BAD person. Someone actually died due to her neglect and that was something I refused to accept. I miss the relationship, but I don’t miss her. Years ago, someone told me (totally out of the blue) “You can’t to that again”. Not understanding, I asked, “Do what?”, and he repeated, “THAT. You can’t do THAT again”. Ah, now I get it. People change, our minds change, and situations will never be the same. I don’t think sobriety means that you have to forgive every shitty person in your life and try to make things the way they were before. It will never be the same because people are people, time is time.Some people are toxic and that rarely changes. I can chose not to do THAT again.

    Yep, mom is usually right. You might not want to do THAT again. Maybe, just maybe, they don’t deserve you in their lives. You’ve grown up and they haven’t!

  4. talesfrommyliver May 15, 2017 at 7:45 pm #

    Oh, I feel this on so many levels. I agree with you that many times, making amends just makes things worse. I truly believe that for some things, we should just “let it be.” I know that for myself at least, a lot of what you wrote rang true in that my amends would be more for me and hopefully finding forgiveness from others when really it should be more about them finding peace and all parties being able to move forward, whether or not the relationships continue. I also have a strained relationship with my brother and finally let go of the relationship a few years ago. Now and then there are pangs of anger or yearning for a more positive, loving relationship but those are few and far between because we are both truly more at peace when we are out of each other’s lives. Oh, and thank your mom for me, because I also needed to hear her wisdom about how we don’t always get closure. GREAT post – thank you for sharing!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 18, 2017 at 8:19 pm #

      Thanks for this comment–really needed to hear that life goes on after you end strained relationships. Thank you! 🙂

  5. dealingwithalcoholdependency June 12, 2017 at 3:21 pm #

    Just dipping into your blog and realising that it’s not just about the surface aspects of drinking. It’s all the stuff that goes on in our lives. Not nearly at a place that you have reached but reading about your struggles sure helps in knowing there’s hope. Thanks.

  6. 12 Step Jedi June 13, 2017 at 10:16 am #

    Hi subscribed. We have roughly the same sober date. 5 Years! Congratulations. I also started a blog on recovery recently to mark the passage of time. Subscribed. http://www.dailyjedi.com

  7. StephenD June 17, 2017 at 3:05 pm #

    Carrie Fisher was asked, the first time sober, “Are you happy?”, she replied, “Among other things.” So peace, yes, frustration, yes, anger, yes; but coming back around to peace, to happy, and not another damn drink. Your in a good place.

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