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Love in the time of…Covid-19

2:31 pm

I had this long post drafted, but, as it goes, I trashed it, held off for a few days, and am starting over.

What I really want to say is, I hope everyone is hanging in there, not letting the fear and paranoia overwhelm, and well, just being OK with being isolated. See, my preferred way of life is social distancing and sheltering in place, and I’ve been practicing it for years, so…I got it down (haha). However, for those who don’t, my advice is, take it as it comes, try to connect in virtual ways (this blog was my lifeline when I was first getting sober), and don’t let your bad feelings and thoughts about it all get you down or make you feel less than you are, which is strong and capable and worthy. You are doing your best; you’re not going to do it right or perfect the first time around (as a perfectionist, it’s a lesson I learn over and over again with every day, every written piece, every trashed blog post…).

I have gone insane more than once over the years, working from home from an island. On thing I have learned is, you do need a change of scenery, a feeling of having gotten out into the world. I have learned to go outside when I start feeling trapped and angsty about being cooped up–get out, in any way or form; whether than involves actually meeting up with people or just seeing them in action, both are helpful. You don’t have to go far either; just far enough out of your home orbit to feel like you’ve tasted the world a bit. Again, if you get angry or frustrated or start to feel trapped–don’t get down on yourself. This way of life is not easy, especially for people who actually like human interaction (haha).

So, lately, I’ve been mulling/ruminating on the nature of evolving friendships as you get sober and move into long-term sobriety, and as you age. Frankly, I feel like I’ve aged two decades over the past two years–we moved off island for those two years, and I entered the symptomatic phase of perimenopause. GURL, I cannot tell you how the latter has made me re-evaluate my relationships. If I was questioning the basis of my friendships immediately after getting sober–do I really like this person, or did I connect with him/her mainly because I needed a semblance of friendship or a potential drinking buddy?–I started to really dig deeper years down the line. NOW? I am really finding it difficult to have any patience for phony or passive aggressive behavior. And, I seem to keep running up against that here, with friends that I had and that I am coming home to, literally or figuratively.

Granted, friendships change when you leave home; you can’t go home again is right, but one can hope–especially when it comes to deeper friendships. I don’t know if it’s paranoia from the Covid, paranoia/anger from the pill depleting my feel-good hormones (or general hormonal imbalance), or if I am just seeing things clearly now, but….I just can’t tolerate phoniness anymore. Maybe I’m just not willing to buy into it anymore.

That being said, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. In fact, the bad apples are few and far between in the grand scheme of a lifetime of relationships. There are good people out there, a lot of them (all of you!). I like to think of it in terms of “holistic” healthcare practitioners: There are good yoga teachers and not so good, right? Good reiki practitioners and the frauds. Good acupuncturists and the ones who make your limbs tremble. It’s all a matter of perspective, too–black-and-white thinking never got me anywhere. And, I can do things to immediately change my state of mind: Get off Facebook (gah–for real!), practice deep breathing, go outside, and um, just go to bed; remember what I have right now, to be grateful for; remember that it will not last, whatever it is that I am experiencing physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.

I promise to write more, I’ve just been feeling very challenged emotionally and physically lately. Still, I promise to share more of those challenges, in more frequent posts.

I’m so grateful for this community–keeping me sane for almost eight years and counting…

Tags: acceptance, control, coronavirus, covid-19, evolution, fake, Friendships, passive aggressive, personal growth, phony, practical tips, relationships, self-care, shelter in place, social distancing, you can't go home again

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Coping mechanisms, Gratitude, Long-term sobriety, Mindfulness, perimenopause, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

Practice makes patience

1 Mar

12:55 pm

I know, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted! I don’t know why, but this year has felt so full, so busy, almost overwhelming. Good and bad things, both, I guess.

And, well, the challenges continue, is all I can say! From social anxiety surrounding “you can’t go home again” relationships–ones that seem to have fractured in our absence–to my night heat and insomnia–I see my doctor in a few weeks, so maybe she’ll have a “magic pill”…haha–to our sweet girlfriend goin’ down–our dog of 12 years or so, who has so magestically endured intense osteoarthritic pain, is starting to really show signs of hitting bottom–le sigh. Sure, I’ve wanted to drink, but it never goes beyond those pangs of desperation. Not yet, anyway.

I am trying to cultivate more patience this year, but this week has really tested my resolve! I have had conflicts, let’s just say, with some of my relationships, and I’ve been mulling over just what to do about them in order to somehow resolve that conflict. It’s been bugging me, just hanging in limbo. After much thought, I guess I’ve concluded that, in sum, relationships that require too much work just need to be put to the side–maybe not forever, but for now.

It does not take work with my mom, or my boo, or those friends who don’t want anything from you and who are, in a word, OK with being vulnerable. There are a LOT of people, it seems, who are not OK with being vulnerable, and who are, um, so up in their heads that it’s simply difficult to relate.

I get it, I was there, both before and while I was getting sober; and I wasn’t easy to relate to. Maybe that’s why I see some of my fractured relationships with such clarity: I am trying to relate to someone who either does not want to, actually, relate (manipulative or narcissistic people); or to people who are not ready to relate (insecure people).

In any case, I put in some “work” this past week–a few trying phone calls, some dinners where I felt uncomfortable social anxiety–and have come to a few resolutions about some of the trickier ones. One of those is with this one person who, I feel, has not only led me on, but led a LOT of people on in terms of who she is and her intentions. I don’t know what either is, her or her intentions, but they are not what I thought (years of sweet, friendly texts, only to be responded to with a cold shoulder in real life, again and again and again). At first, I took offense; but now, I look outside and see the quiet green hills and soothing blue water; look down at my sweet girl; look at my life and how grateful I am to be here, witnessing it–and I say, let it go, she’s not ready; and, frankly, it’s neither my problem nor worth spending time trying to figure it out. Essentially, you can’t relate to someone who either simply isn’t into you or, for whatever reason, cannot relate. And, I can resolve this conflict now by stopping texting her back. And, I believe with someone as inscrutable as this woman, that’s the best thing to do.

My dad is another story, and the short of it is, he is a bipolar narcissist–who, I’ve noticed, lies a lot (maybe he did before and I just refused to see it). Anyway, we had a conversation last week that once again left me feeling confused, upset, and essentially, used–he is using his kids for a few things these days, for one as sounding boards for said lies, half-truths, and flights of fancy. If he refuses to get help, then, at a certain point, I get to say, I refuse to engage in this relationship. I talked to my mom, and she said, be prepared to emotionally block it out when you talk to him; my step-mom says, don’t feel guilty about not calling him back. Me, I just want to not relate at all. It’s one of those niggling things that makes me want to drink sometimes.

Another niggler is um, being catcalled by men stopping on the road alongside me as I’m running, and saying, need a ride? That, along with feeling like, I have no control over my body these days (night heat, insomnia!), sooooo maybe I don’t deserve control, as these men are implying as they drive by, assuming ownership?

ONE more niggler–waaaaaa, I don’t get to drink or smoke weed on the boat trip or at dinners with our friends, but everyone else gets their break; it’s just not fair!–and I just about almost inhaled the shitty white cooking wine that I was staring down in our fridge last night.

On a positive note, the night heat subsided the past 10 days–what a fucking reprieve–and, I am plugging away at my job, heading off on a trip at the end of this week (a fun one–a yoga retreat partly led by an old friend), and going away again in a few more weeks on another trip (a pseudo-fun one–a conference for work).

(On a less positive one, the day is approaching when we are actually going to have to say goodbye to our dog–my best friend; one of the anchors to our first years on island, our past; one of my sober higher powers; the one who taught me how to love myself, how to be fierce, and strong, and steadfast. My best, best girl. I know it’s probably not humane to let her shit and piss herself, but…aside from that, she’s fine, she’s fine. Ugh. I love her so much, but I will have to let her go, too.)

Most days, I cultivate a LOT of patience; some days (and nights), it gets away from me… BUT, I will not drink. Promise. I cannot drink. I deserve much more than to drink, no matter if I somehow think that it will make some of this stuff easier.

Tags: let it go, letting go of bad relationships, patience, relationships, self-care, triggers

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Boundaries, Gratitude, Life, Long-term sobriety, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

Why was I so angry?

9 Nov

10:05 pm

As you know, I’ve been rather methodically going through my “stuff,” the stuff that I threw into storage a decade ago and haven’t really looked at since. All these seven years, while getting sober, I have speculated but never really “corroborated” the conclusions I came to regarding why I drank; I never really looked at all those writings and notes and pictures, just to see, was that really how it went down? Was that really who I was back then?

Anyway, the question keeps coming to mind, Why was I so angry? And, after all these years and all that wine–and now, all these weeks spent purposefully going over my “boxes of the past,” so to speak–I don’t really know. It’s really a tough concept to wrap my head around: I was SO angry back then, and it defined my life and relationships during that time as well as impacted them for years to come, but I cannot for the life of me really remember what I was fuming about. It’s crazy-making, albeit I’m grateful to not be anywhere near that angry anymore–and, have had, dare I say, years of feeling relatively stable and joyful.

I have to say, this process of sorting through my stuff (as we prepare for our move back to the island) has been tedious by my own making, and it’s been more a process of reminiscing as well as letting go (of the past, of my youth, I am not even sure). I mean, I was perfectly fine not remembering all this stuff, and then here come the boxes and I’m all reflective and sad and kind of reliving that horrible past that “caused” me to drink in the first place (caused in quotes because I know that no one or no thing made me drink–I loved drinking until I didn’t and couldn’t).

After going over some stuff, looking for clues as to what made me so angry that I ramped up my drinking, this is what I do know: I seemed to be my “old” self, bruised and battered like everyone else, but still happy and smiling, confident and well, resilient, up until about 2000 or 2001 (I turned 27 in 2001). I had already gone through many things prior to then that might have broken me but didn’t–fighting parents; a binge eating disorder in my late teens and early 20s; college itself, which was difficult and maybe a key to my drinking. I majored in biology/pre-med, something that I wasn’t even really good at (Does a love for animals necessarily equate to studying biology?) because I told myself that “I should”–instead of something that I loved and was good at and DREAMT of doing, writing, specifically writing poetry. I was too afraid, so I pushed my dreams out of mind and did what I told myself I should do. I negated my dreams, discarded my self. It hurts to even write that, to read it out loud, but it’s true. Pain is behind anger, and maybe this is where it all began?

All this is to say, there wasn’t this one big thing that made me angry. Did I just feel erased, exhausted by my refusal to express the real me? Maybe. I mean, looking back at pictures of myself from around 2000, 2001, 2002–that was when I became uber-angry and started drinking; or, started drinking and became uber-angry–I can’t come up with any one thing that happened that should have made me as angry as I looked and felt.

I hate to admit it, but I think my drinking ramped up with an increasing disappointment over my romantic relationships. Like, it sucks to admit that my life could have been derailed by a man (haha), but I think that most of the depression and rage that came to a head during my late 20s came from feeling slighted and not good enough and then, finally, unloved and unloveable, or so I told myself. Of course, I had a role in all these failed romances (I was that crazy drunk bitch), but it was still painful and frustrating–and made me angry.

Another thing that might have made me angry, over time, was the fact that by my late 20s, I was starting to get ground down by always doing what I was supposed to be doing, and hating every minute of it (I mean, I still do the same kind of work, but I have a longer-term plan, and I’ve spent years finding my voice as a freelancer). I never allowed myself to freely express myself, to not be agreeable, to be loud and ugly and well, angry! By the time I turned 30, I finally decided to go back to school for one of two things (writing was one), two things that I had determined I liked. Before then, I felt like I had not lived a determined life, that I had let this people-pleasing mentality go on for far too long. I was desperate to break free–to fucking break things! And, break things I did, while blackout drunk.

I think one key aspect to blackout drinking is saying, fuck it, I give in/up, let me just smash the fuck out of it all. Let me drop the ball. The only way perfectionists and people-pleasers, the always-agreeable ones, are going to let it go is to not be aware of the fact that they are letting it go. For me, drinking to the point of not remembering what I was doing not only let me do things that I would never normally allow myself to do, but it also allowed me to not have to account for dropping the ball, you know? If you can’t remember, it didn’t happen (in your mind, at least).

At the end of the day, I can’t say what ONE thing made me angry. What I can say is, I cannot blame anyone else for doing anything to me that caused me to be angry, and to drink. No parent, no man, no biology text book made me drink. I chose to drink–the way I wanted to drink, which was to erase the anger, the hurt; to erase the self who was stuck inside, trying to get out.

Drinking soothed my angst (I was scared to be a poet, so I told myself that someone was telling me I “should” not do it), my loneliness (I wasn’t able or ready to relate, which is why I picked the wrong men), and my social anxiety (I am by nature an introvert, so drinking made meeting new people actually somewhat fun).

SO, do I have any more answers than I did before I got my stuff out of storage and started rummaging through said past for clues as to why I drank? Eh, sure, I guess, but like all things related to alcoholism, nothing is cut and dry, and everything is everything. It’s not like I can close my boxes and computer and say, I know why I veered off track (the scarier question is, was I ever on one?), I know what made me drink. It won’t ever be resolved, but…there’s good news.

The good news is, I’ve realized with almost certainty that you don’t have to live in the past; you can remember your mistakes and learn from them, and you can process your experiences in order to be a better person or live a lighter, truer life–but, you can take the good bits of the past, and relive those, and leave the bad bits behind. You don’t have to relive any of it.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve lived LIFETIMES since that time, which was almost 20 years ago. And, really, does it even matter anymore what made me so angry if I’ve moved so far beyond who I was then?

Let it go, let it go, let it go. Learn from your past, cherish it; but don’t hold onto it. Such a simply worded mantra for one of life’s hardest exercises.

Tags: anger, angry, being dumped, blame, depression, learning from mistakes, letting go of the past, mistakes, Past, playing the victim, processing past experiences, relationships, resilient, self-esteem, self-expression, social anxiety, victim, victimization, what caused me to become an alcoholic?, what made me drink?, why i drank, why I drink

Comments 4 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Long-term sobriety, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety

Lesson in amends

13 May

10:33 am

Saturday. I have to say, before I start ranting about anything, I am grateful. Every morning, of every day, I am grateful–relieved, joyful, content–to wake up sober. To a life I sort of think I deserve, but probably not. (haha) I have my fiance, my dogs, the blaring tropical sun bleating off the blue ocean below; I have a freelance career that I’ve somehow made work for 5 years; I have a past that I don’t have to live anymore, but that I get to consider, and to think about, and to dwell on, only as much as I want or need. I am here, and not there. Why? How did I deserve this?

Because I worked my ASS off. (There she is! Good morning, ego.)

All that being said, I still have trouble dealing with people from my past, relationships gone sour or become nonexistent (maybe not directly because of my drinking, but related to it on one level or another). And, while I’m eager to “forgive and forget,” it’s not easy. And mostly, I’m still sort of angry, I guess, at people who have written me off! It’s not that I’m angry all day, every day; it’s that, when I think about attempting to rekindle our friendship, I think, Eh, it’s been too long. Eh, I have other relationships that I’ve cultivated here, where I live now, that make more sense to put energy into. Eh, you sort of wrote me off, or didn’t take my “getting sober” that seriously; why would I want to relate now? The problem with all this thinking is that, you just don’t know if people need an amends, or if they just need a phone call or an email–have you hurt them or has the relationship simply moved on? I have to say, every relationship is unique, and has a unique past; so it’s hard to generalize what I would or could or should do.

I received a couple emails recently that made me start thinking more about all this again. One was from a friend, someone I’ve known since undergrad–needless to say, we’ve been through a lot. I mean, I consider her my sister (or, sistah, as it were). However, while we were friends, there were a few key things I really hated about her personality–one was her grudge-holding. My hatred eventually came out, when I got drunk. As you can imagine, when my drinking got bad and our friendship dissolved, she wrote me off. (At least, that’s how I remember it; who knows, maybe she thought I wrote her off?) When I got sober, I sent her a few emails (this was years ago)–nice emails, reaching-out emails. I never heard from her, so imagined that I never would. BAM! About two months ago, I got an email from her, wanting to reconnect. It was short and sweet, but in the end, I truly appreciated it.

It took me a few months to reply, though. I couldn’t believe or want to accept that she had held a grudge for so many years (I believe it’s been 7 years)!? On the flip, that’s one thing I really disliked about her, and watched her do over the years to many other people, so I’m not sure why it surprised me. In any case, I just wasn’t sure she “deserved” a reply. Then, I got another email (see below) and realized that my hesitation to reach back to her was because of my own sore ego. Let it go, I said to myself. The real question is not, Should I forgive her and let her back into my life?, it’s, Do I really want a relationship with her, going forward? I’m pretty sure she’s changed, and grown; and so have I, and I think she probably assumes that about me–yet, I’m scared to find out. I did eventually reply, so we’ll see where it goes from here.

And then there is the case of my brother’s email. Yes, that brother. Yes, the one who has been forgiving and “unforgiving” me for the past 5 years. Yes, the one with the girlfriend who takes “angry and bitter” to incredible heights. Inhale, Drunky Drunk Girl.

Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale.

I’m not sure I ever really understood making amends–the concept, really, and how to do it right. I’m not sure I ever really did it right, but, I did it, and sometimes, it backfired. Frankly, I always had this niggling sense that raking up the past was worse than just letting shit be. Of course, if I truly wanted that person in my real life, then I would attempt to rekindle a broken relationship; but this almost always did NOT involve apologizing again for my bad behavior while drunk. In those cases, it was never received well. I didn’t know how to make up for my bad behavior except to say I was sorry, and to let them know I was sober. Beyond that, if they refused to accept, then what else could I do? I just always felt like I left them angrier than if I hadn’t said anything at all!

I think for most of us, we focus on the shit we did wrong, and who has NOT forgiven us, in our amends; instead of focusing on the other person’s perspective, how they feel, how we’ve affected them, and their choice in the matter. That’s a lesson for the ages, though, and for everyone–how to let go of your ego when you say you’re sorry. I have to say, the hardest lesson, by far, I’ve had to learn in both sobriety, and be extension, normal life is the one where you tell yourself “it doesn’t matter what they think of me” and actually believe it. Actually embrace it. Actually, move on, if you have to. And do it all in empathy, with nothing but good will and honest compassion for their choice, even if that choice is to stay angry.

Oof, our egos do not like that. Which is ironic, because most of the time, we’re not fighting for the relationships, we’re fighting for our ego–we want to know that we are loved, that we’ve been given a chance at redemption, that we are worthy of that. If I’m honest, most of the relationships I tried to amend–make up for my wrongdoing–I actually didn’t want to continue to have, after getting sober. There were huge flaws, cracks, and those cracks sucked me into them when I got drunk–hence, the raging blackouts directed at people who were, in reality, frenemies. (My problem was, having so many frenemies in the first place.)

So it goes with my brother. He’s forgiven me and then taken it back numerous times these past 5 years, and he just did it again. (And, via an unexpected email, which, by the way, I consider a form of bullying.) I see things so much more clearly now, and suffice it to say, I know that there is nothing I can or need to do at this point. The “incident” where I went bat-shit crazy on their asses while blacked out happened over 5 years ago, and in that time, we’ve all gone back and forth with the mean notes and apologies, and more mean notes and more apologies. This time, I got another email saying he has not forgiven me–and will not consider it–until I apologize to his girlfriend.

Um, OK. At first I thought maybe he wrote it while blacked out (or she did; she’s drunk to blackout and sent me mean notes–oh, the irony), because it certainly exudes some kind of delusion, some kind of altered reality. It sounds like HER words written in his hand, which it could very well be. She’s the one who refused every single attempt at my amends, and viciously so, not him.

I started shaking when I got it, which I hate to admit; so I immediately called my mom. I didn’t know what else to do. She gave me some perspective–there is nothing I need to do; this is their drama, don’t get dragged into it again; it’s time for you to move on, because sometimes in life, we don’t get closure–and I’m grateful for that, and for her. (And, it makes me remember how wise and present and loving my mom has always been, through all of our and her own struggles–I need to see her more!?)

I wanted to reply with a litany of “I did this, see this email; she sent that, see this crazy Facebook message or that bizarro email sent from your email account, btw;” but, I didn’t. And, I see now that I should not. Because, there is one thing that I know for sure to be true in this situation: what they think of me is none of my business. I cannot change what they choose to believe, and how they choose to feel, and how they choose to behave. NO email in the world is going to change those things, because those things are theirs. It’s not my business what other people think of me. End of story.

Exhale.

It’s not easy seeing the forest through the trees when it comes to amends, and forgiveness–and, what it all means on a practical level. For me, a true people-pleaser, it’s hard to not be forgiven! And, as a persistent-as-fuck person, it’s really hard for me to stop trying (remember: I want to win!). Once I remove my ego from the equation, though, I am left asking myself: Do you actually want a relationship with that person, if they do forgive me? Often the answer is, no. I have good relationships now, with people who are real, and honor my sober person. The thing is, I’ve always tried to maintain friendships over the years, even in spite of the recognition that we’ve both changed…beyond the point of no return, so to speak. It’ just something I’ve done, been brought up to do. Maybe it’s time to try something new.

Five years later, and I’m still learning fundamental lessons about sobriety! Believe me, friends, it gets better, and the work gets harder, but the well never runs dry. This is our path, as we get sober: toward truth, toward enlightenment, toward peace. As my fiance and I were sitting on the beach the other day, and as I was just floating in the water, embracing the big blue; as we drove home over the hill and came into our ridiculous view of rolling green hills and ocean to horizon–it dawned on me that my brother does not have peace. Whether he’s angry, or jealous, or just unwilling to address negative emotions, he does not have peace.

I have peace. Some of the time. I might not have closure, and I might not have HIM in my life, but I have peace. And, I am grateful for that. In fact, I have the sense that not only is it the cornerstone of my sobriety, and sober life–it’s probably the most I can hope for…to just be, in peace.

Tags: forgive and forget, forgiveness, how to forgive and forget, inner peace, making amends, peace, relationships, relationships sober

Comments 11 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Amends, Binge drinking, Change, Choices, Family, Friendships, Gratitude, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

That “hole in the middle of my stomach” feeling

23 Apr

2:06 pm

Hey, guys. It’s been so long, and in a nutshell, I’ve been working. Trying to earn a living. I have been both freelancing and working part-time as a barista, and I hosted a friend and then my mom two weeks back to back this month. It’s been tiring. Today was a shitty day at work, and I can’t help but blame myself (of course): I’m too quiet, I’m too thoughtful, I don’t smile enough, I work too slow, I make stupid mistakes. Le sigh. I’m usually able to bounce back emotionally–as in, I don’t let the thoughts make feelings make ruminations and a bad day–but for some reason, I just feel tired of it all today.

My mom is getting older. What happened to her 50s and 60s, I ask? I feel like I missed the transition, and only now do I see that I can’t go back. I can’t get her younger self back, and I can’t get my younger self back, and I can’t get all that time back that I spent pushing her away. I think a lot of people must feel this way, but I didn’t know that it would be a literal feeling, one resembling grief, I suppose.

Anyway, my mom will be 69 this year. She has developed what seems to be some profound anxiety and insomnia, and she has some physical ailments that just keep filling in the lines as the years go on. While all this is troubling in that I can’t quite seem to relate to her, what is most troubling is that I have a continued lack of ability to communicate with her about my drinking past. I sort of try, but mainly I just feel awkward telling her the gory details (and, with her anxiety in mind, I shy away from giving her anything else to worry about or ruminate on–that’s the way I see it, I’m sure she has a different perception). Of course, she witnessed it. However, aside from her, there was only one other family member who confronted me. I’m still baffled by that.

What’s also news to me: THEIR view of me, as the drunk, as the person who was trashing her body, as someone who couldn’t necessarily be relied upon, as the one making poor choices–this view is not going to go away JUST BECAUSE I AM NOW (three years!) SOBER. And, for some reason, I guess I thought it would. I thought it would sort of disappear, like my drinking habit. Granted, there has been no, “Hey, look at me, I’m sober now!” on my part. There also hasn’t been, “Hey, I’m sorry for all that shit that you might have been bothered by or that might have pissed you off or alienated you, but that you never said to my face” either. From an outsider’s perspective, and that includes MOST of my close friends and family, I got sober very quietly. Except, I wrote about it and talked about it and reported on it–with everyone BUT my immediate family. This seems to be the pattern, and I don’t know why: it’s really hard for me to share my life and feelings with my family! It’s been this way forever, and I guess it comforts me to know that many people find a tribe or “family” outside their genetic one, the one they were born into.

My family is fractured, but not in the sense that I don’t have a relationship with both my mom and dad. I’m just not sure they’ve ever been easy, or even good, relationships. And that bothers me. It’s always been a struggle to relate, to navigate, to extract. I don’t know. Maybe if I felt more comfortable, then my perspective would be different. But, it’s always been hard and I have the feeling it always will be–no matter how far along I think I’ve come in my sobriety. The problem has become, I’m sober for three years now–err, I have very little desire to rehash all the crap I went through. All the blog stuff I wrote about, all the craving bullshit, all the psychic back and forth. It’s done, it’s over, I’ve shrunk my brain to the point where I feel “normal” again. Or, at least focused on the present, the real, the emotions that need to be felt and dealt with in order to conduct a life. I don’t want to talk about it now with my parents. That leaves a HUGE gap–what to fill it with, then?

I’m tired, as you can tell. Nothing inspirational today. I was up at 4:30 to make my shift, which was a rough one because of a bad coworker. What I should be doing it job searching, but frankly, all I want to do is nap. I feel like I have a hole in the middle of my stomach. BUT… I’m sober, so sober that I don’t even think about being sober! My boss came in hung over and had to take a nap mid-morning (on the floor of a neighboring shop). Most of the regulars at my coffee bar participate in this place’s “drink hard, drink-and-work harder” culture, so…I also saw quite a few peeps with pained expressions on their faces. NO desire. It’s cast me as a goody-goody at work, the quiet one; but I’ll take that ANY day over being hung over and not remembering what I did the night before.

Onward. All in due time. Grateful. Breathe. Joyful entitlement. These are my daily affirmations, and they keep me on the track that I have come to cherish, and which I get to share with all of you!

Tags: aging, aging parent, alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, family, family drama, recovery, relationships, sober, sobriety, wine, women, work

Comments 18 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Family, Life, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety, Work

Lessons in letting go

5 Apr

1:57 am

Well, yet another “lesson” in forgiveness? That is surely the plus-side of this week’s equation. As my mom says, let it go. You’ve apologized once, now let it go. Easier said than done, like many things in sobriety.

I have to say, I’ve been wanting to drink over this; but, I’m glad I haven’t, mainly because getting through the upset, getting over the anxiety around how to deal with an upcoming confrontation (in May), and grappling with what’s really bothering me–how do I accept that someone actually hates me–these are obstacles that have to be surmounted. I wish I could avoid this confrontation, but I know that I will never move on–and grow toward a MUCH stronger me–if I don’t have it.

As many of you know, I offended my brother’s girlfriend two-and-a-half years ago, and there has been an unhealthy (to say the least) back-and-forth between all of us since then: first he forgives me, then he checks back in with his grudge-holding girlfriend, and then he seemingly changes his mind and nothing is forgiven; or, he engages in a passive-aggressive thing, where he says one thing to me, and then when he gets home, he has to hang up the phone and listen to his girlfriend tell him what a bad sister I am. And on and on and on.

Well, I’ve laid low the past year (i.e., haven’t had much contact with my brother except, well, friendly phone chats about once a month), but she got drunk and contacted me the other day with a vicious Facebook mail. Ugh. Just when I thought it was over. I left them a voicemail message a few weeks ago–once again saying I was sorry–and the latest is, I received an angry, nasty “you hurt me/us and I will never forgive you for as long as I live” email from the girlfriend the other day (sent from HIS account no less, which makes me wonder if I should ever send him anything again to that email if she’s checking it, too).

Needless to say, it put me into a tailspin. Why? I don’t know. Why do I give two shits about what some crazy woman thinks of me? Eventually, I’ll come around and be able to make fun of just how ridiculous this has become (trying to explain all the Facebook’ing and emailing to my mother made me realize how fourth-grade it seems). But for now, it’s draining and almost maddening to be somewhat forced to re-visit the horror of that night because the girlfriend decides that she wants to play.

Really, though, why do I care so much? What bothers me to the point where my voice trembles talking about it and my stomach feels bloated from the loads of adrenaline? Mainly, I think I just feel extremely uncomfortable knowing that someone hates me so much, however irrational she may be. And, it makes me feel ill that I have to see her and somehow interact with her when we are forced to hang out at the wedding we’re both going to in May. I have never dreaded an event so much. And that really, really sucks.

But, I’ll get over it. Talking it out with my mom helped me to accept that her email was bullshit; and the way she is treating me is a choice, one that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her, and her reliance on her number-one tool: resentment. THEY might believe that their grudge–their hurt, their anger, their persistent hate–is mine to keep, too; but I know that it is all theirs.

I realize that she has actually given ME a lot of power here–like, could I really have had that much of an influence on her life? Wow, I feel sorry for her that her life is THAT boring. The irony that in her attempt to insult me, she laid ALL her cards on the table is, of course, completely lost on her. She may never forgive me, but at the end of the day, when I see her and my brother, I’ll probably feel nothing but pity.

What I have realized is that I have to let them go. Believe them when they say they don’t want anything to do with me. (For this week, at least.) And, hold them to it. You know, not having anything to do with me means also, not getting to send me drunk hate-mail in the middle of the night.

I wish she’d stay home. There’s the slight possibility, seeing how she’s backed out of engagements before because too many people she “hates” are going to be there. But, in a way, I NEED this confrontation. And, I know that after the first awkward encounter, I will have mastered her, and her hate, and letting go of the entire sordid affair. It’s going to suck, but this will eventually all be over.

And now I am boring myself, because there are SO many good things to think about, like the “key” lime pie I’m going to make tomorrow, for instance. Or the friends I’ve made in my life, and the people I’ve met in my moves and travels–the full array of which is hard to even grasp, there are so many amazing ones. Or my sweet dog, who is my protectress.

(As you can imagine, the girlfriend also tried to disparage my sobriety–as being somehow fake, as alcoholism being a foolish choice and not a disease. I laughed at that, mainly because it’s SO ill-informed and simply not true. BUT, I have to say, it’ll probably get me through the next few months of sobriety. Just to prove her wrong in person will be so very satisfying: I AM sober, I can stay sober, and I am doing better and more awesome each and every day. I can’t WAIT to stand my ground–in my 4-inch heels, and sparkly-unicorn gown, looking fabulous–and say loud and proud, I am a sober fucking alcoholic, and I feel AMAZING. Tell me what’s fake about that…BITCH!)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, amends, anger, binge drinking, drinking, family, family problems, forgiveness, grudge, let it go, moving on, psychology, recovery, relationships, resentment, self-empowerment, sober, sobriety, toxic people, toxic relationships, wine, women

Comments 16 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Amends, Binge drinking, Drama, Family, Psychology, Recovery, Relationships, Self-empowerment, Sobriety, Triggers

Sex and sobriety — it’s actually possible?

12 Nov

5:29 pm

Yes, indeed. It actually IS.

SAY WHAT?

Without going into too much detail — har har — I have a few minutes before yet ANOTHER PAIN IN MY ASS MEETING takes up the hours that I somewhat dread anyway, between 4:30 and 7; so, I thought I’d say hello and, um, dump some heavy thoughts on you. Yes, I’m good at that.

As has become apparent to me, most people who drink alcoholically are also doing it to medicate, avoid, or in general, escape. For me, I used booze. I used it for many things: to not feel bored, to not feel sad, to avoid confronting existential problems, like, What should I do with my life? and, How am I going to spend the next few minutes? and, If I spend them wrong, does that mean I’m a loser? or, Man, I don’t know what to do first, maybe I’ll drink to avoid deciding? or, I don’t know how to have fun or take a break, so I’ll drink to avoid dealing with figuring that out. And, on and on.

I realized, long before I quit drinking, that I had a very healthy fear of intimacy; sex, of course, but relationships, in general. I used booze to both avoid them and avoid having to deal with this fear while sober. As I discovered, you get exactly what you’re looking for. I was afraid of dating, of having sex sober, so I drank and got what I really wanted: pathetic, drunk sex with partners who were NOWHERE NEAR relationship material. (Then again, neither was I, and maybe that was also a variable in the equation!)

I have only dated three men in my life, long-term; the last actual relationship I was in was oh, about 8 years ago. Yes, I’ve been single for most of my 30s, mainly out of fear of being known; out of fear of someone — who is much cooler and better and more awesome, of course — finding out just how boring, or fidgety, or indecisive, or lazy, or uncreative, or [insert your favorite diss here] I really am. I avoided not just relationships, but sex. I simply couldn’t get myself to do it, sober. Too close, too intimate. What if we locked eyes and I had to reveal a feeling? What if he expected to have a, gasp!, conversation with me, sober? What would I say? Would he be interested? What if I was depressed, or unsure, or crazy, or kooky, but not his kind of kooky? Would he be OK with that? What if (IF? LOL) he was boring, or shallow, or clueless, or lame, or whatever, and I had to pretend to like him because I was lonely; or because I wanted to give someone a chance in order to feel less “strange bird”-esque for preferring to spend my nights — and days — alone, doing my own thing, at ease and deriving pleasure from that?

Best to just be drunk, to avoid it all, and then hung over, to excuse myself quietly.

What a horrible way to live, eh? And, what about me?, I ask, as I read and remember the self-berating monologue that must have been going on repeat in the back of my mind for years. YEARS.

I had a lot of social anxiety growing up, and it manifested in extreme shyness, in overstudying, in spending most of my non-school-related time alone, writing or reading; and then, sort of following my twin (or, did he follow me?) to the same university; and then, finally, discovering binge eating and binge drinking as a way to avoid it all AND make it feel better at the same time. Fast forward from my 20s to my 30s; I kept drinking the wine, and left all the other stuff behind. Or, so I thought.

Funny thing is, I had a LOT of intimate, and amazing, relationships with women over the years. And, with men who were not men I wanted to date or have sex with. So, it wasn’t all bad, but it got a lot WORSE when I started to drink to ridiculous excess, put work and career success way ahead of love, and isolate.

These days, I’m basking in the fruit of my labors: I ended up entering a relationship with a friend who I’ve known for 10 years, and I feel safe. I don’t know if he knows how difficult it was for me to basically feel the fear and do it anyway, but I’m glad I did. I don’t think there’s a magic bullet; like everything sober, it takes personal work to talk myself out of actually believing that it matters when there’s an “awkward” moment. I don’t think sober folks deal with anything different, either; they may have just learned to confront love and sex earlier than I did. Who knows?

Anyway, I could go ON and ON about this, but I’ll stop for now. Off to a new meeting. I’m a bit…anxious? I’ve never been to this one, and well, I haven’t heard much about it. My gut says that it’ll be weird, and awkward, but hey, Weird and Awkward are my closest friends these days and I promised them yesterday that I’d come out and play again today, so…

Bye, y’all! 32 days, btw!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, depression, drinking, recovery, relationships, sex, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Depression, Recovery, Sex and Relationships, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

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Drunky Drunk Girl

Practice makes patience

Lesson in amends

That “hole in the middle of my stomach” feeling

Lessons in letting go

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