2:31 pm
I had this long post drafted, but, as it goes, I trashed it, held off for a few days, and am starting over.
What I really want to say is, I hope everyone is hanging in there, not letting the fear and paranoia overwhelm, and well, just being OK with being isolated. See, my preferred way of life is social distancing and sheltering in place, and I’ve been practicing it for years, so…I got it down (haha). However, for those who don’t, my advice is, take it as it comes, try to connect in virtual ways (this blog was my lifeline when I was first getting sober), and don’t let your bad feelings and thoughts about it all get you down or make you feel less than you are, which is strong and capable and worthy. You are doing your best; you’re not going to do it right or perfect the first time around (as a perfectionist, it’s a lesson I learn over and over again with every day, every written piece, every trashed blog post…).
I have gone insane more than once over the years, working from home from an island. On thing I have learned is, you do need a change of scenery, a feeling of having gotten out into the world. I have learned to go outside when I start feeling trapped and angsty about being cooped up–get out, in any way or form; whether than involves actually meeting up with people or just seeing them in action, both are helpful. You don’t have to go far either; just far enough out of your home orbit to feel like you’ve tasted the world a bit. Again, if you get angry or frustrated or start to feel trapped–don’t get down on yourself. This way of life is not easy, especially for people who actually like human interaction (haha).
So, lately, I’ve been mulling/ruminating on the nature of evolving friendships as you get sober and move into long-term sobriety, and as you age. Frankly, I feel like I’ve aged two decades over the past two years–we moved off island for those two years, and I entered the symptomatic phase of perimenopause. GURL, I cannot tell you how the latter has made me re-evaluate my relationships. If I was questioning the basis of my friendships immediately after getting sober–do I really like this person, or did I connect with him/her mainly because I needed a semblance of friendship or a potential drinking buddy?–I started to really dig deeper years down the line. NOW? I am really finding it difficult to have any patience for phony or passive aggressive behavior. And, I seem to keep running up against that here, with friends that I had and that I am coming home to, literally or figuratively.
Granted, friendships change when you leave home; you can’t go home again is right, but one can hope–especially when it comes to deeper friendships. I don’t know if it’s paranoia from the Covid, paranoia/anger from the pill depleting my feel-good hormones (or general hormonal imbalance), or if I am just seeing things clearly now, but….I just can’t tolerate phoniness anymore. Maybe I’m just not willing to buy into it anymore.
That being said, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. In fact, the bad apples are few and far between in the grand scheme of a lifetime of relationships. There are good people out there, a lot of them (all of you!). I like to think of it in terms of “holistic” healthcare practitioners: There are good yoga teachers and not so good, right? Good reiki practitioners and the frauds. Good acupuncturists and the ones who make your limbs tremble. It’s all a matter of perspective, too–black-and-white thinking never got me anywhere. And, I can do things to immediately change my state of mind: Get off Facebook (gah–for real!), practice deep breathing, go outside, and um, just go to bed; remember what I have right now, to be grateful for; remember that it will not last, whatever it is that I am experiencing physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.
I promise to write more, I’ve just been feeling very challenged emotionally and physically lately. Still, I promise to share more of those challenges, in more frequent posts.
I’m so grateful for this community–keeping me sane for almost eight years and counting…
Drunky Drunk Girl 