Writing and cold cities

27 Nov

11:45 am

Hey, folks, Well, I’m here, back at it, and ready to be fierce.  NOT!  Happy Thanksgiving to all, and a kickoff of the holiday season!  For some, that means painful memories, for others, it means an uber-busy next few months.  For me, it means both, and cookies, and cakes, and just continuing to be grateful–5-plus years later–that I am here, and not there.  Here, having this life, with its ups and downs; and not there, drinking my everything away, and all the possible everything’s, too.

I realized recently that part of what is causing me to feel less than whole is that I’ve stopped writing.  Even writing this makes me feel a bit sick in the pit of my belly–anxious, actually.  Must must must start writing again!  I think  my depression, and self-loathing (to be blunt, I hate myself more than a little when I don’t write or create), is caused by this.  There is no magic in my world if I’m not writing, or, in general, being creative.  I look at this blog and think, what happened to that girl?  She is still here, she’s just not writing.  And therefore, not feeling quite whole.

The hurricanes have turned our world upside down, and rearranged our lives.  I miss going to the beach; I miss running on said beach road.  I miss knowing that while I’m in the middle of the ocean, things are FINE here–things are NOT fine here, and things won’t be fine for a while.  There are uncertainties that won’t–can’t–be ironed out.  There are things and faces and places that are never coming back.  And, while I want to ignore this reality, it’s there, the new “normal,” as everyone down here keeps repeating.

I refuse to give up, though, on figuring out what, exactly, I need and want right now.  It’s not wine, it might be hormones, it could be a move (while we have made our exit plan, which is both saddening and enlivening to me, I know changing locations is not going to change what’s going on inside my head and heart, fundamentally), and it most definitely is to start writing/being creative more.  I won’t give up!  And, I won’t stop choosing to be happy, content, grateful, and empowered by that choice.

I flew home last week after about 3 weeks away.  I am glad to be home, with my loves, in the light (literally; cities just might not be in my cards anymore because they are so dark, so angular); and one main thing I realized when I was there, in the big city, is that if I’m honest, I don’t really want that lifestyle anymore.  And, that it is OK to be angry and that instead of fighting the anger, the sadness, the whatever negativity I’m feeling, I should just accept it.  Huh?  The thought sort of bowled me over:  accept and don’t judge your negative feelings instead of exhausting yourself trying to outrun them.  I’m going to try the former and see what happens.

And, so, yeah, cities.  Drinking and going out in cities, which is what I did and how I defined myself for so long.  Not anymore.  I mean, YAH, it really is a bit more heartening to go out for a pink twilit walk with the dogs than to be walking into a pub, ready to temporarily and artificially enhance my mood!  It really is better this way, soooo much better.  Even when I feel quite lonely here–alone as we all do now and then on our solo paths and journeys–I know that I have this world within that is never-changing, that is always bathed in that pink moonlight, that is there to hold me, to embrace me, and to tell me that It Will Be OK.

It Will Be OK.

That is default setting when you’re sober.  When you’re not, default setting is, The World Sucks and Nothing Will (Ever) Be OK.

Walking into a cold bar to drink among cold non-friends?  Eh, no thanks anymore.  I choose light, and happiness, and maybe even accepting the darkness so I can move through it without fear.  Huh, maybe cold cities have more to teach me than I thought?

8 Responses to “Writing and cold cities”

  1. morethanmyshare November 27, 2017 at 11:12 am #

    i recently started meditating, and i am very new and rough at it, only a few days, but it is really helping me with this “And, that it is OK to be angry and that instead of fighting the anger, the sadness, the whatever negativity I’m feeling, I should just accept it. Huh? The thought sort of bowled me over: accept and don’t judge your negative feelings instead of exhausting yourself trying to outrun them.” it helps me to see my thoughts and feelings and know that they ARE and I AM. I can let them be.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 30, 2017 at 12:10 pm #

      Thanks for reminding me of a simple thing I can try (again–I do yoga, and that serves as a sort of moving meditation, but I am still thinking): meditation. Glad it is helping you see “through” your feelings! xx

  2. losedabooze November 27, 2017 at 12:04 pm #

    I’m glad you are getting back to your writing. I don’t post to my blog as often but share daily in a group I created – to inspire others gives me such energy!! It’s like a mission I’m on! I’ve shared your blog with them! You still ROCK!!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 30, 2017 at 11:42 am #

      Aww, thank you so much, it means a lot. I am glad to still be connected to my online sober community! And, good luck on that mission–sounds inspiring!

  3. Finding a Sober Miracle November 27, 2017 at 12:08 pm #

    I understand completely. I am really affected by my surroundings, so when it starts getting dark at 6:00, I go into depressed hibernation mode. Cities especially make me want to retreat. And like you, I’ve been trying to outrun and out-think it, as if relentlessly positive thoughts will make it go away.

    But I know it’s going to get better. May you find your way out of this soon. ❤️

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 30, 2017 at 11:40 am #

      Thank you for this–I, too, seem to think that just b/c I am sober I shouldn’t have any negative thoughts and feelings (haha. hahahah.). Yes, it will get better, and I’m taking it day by day!

      • Finding a Sober Miracle December 3, 2017 at 8:21 am #

        But then some days, right out of the blue, you feel fantastic for no reason at all. And the longer you’re sober, the more often it happens. 💕

  4. carrieonsober November 30, 2017 at 5:14 pm #

    Light and happiness- two things that are more prevalent in my life now than ever before. Here’s to that! And to you writing more…
    That’s something we all benefit from. Love your posts as always, pink moonlight sounds idyllic
    Simple pleasures 🙂
    Xx

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