I have to find out

25 Apr

10:24 pm

I’m going to post a short thing tonight, mainly because we drove to a lake in the middle of the desert today, and like every other day of living in said desert, I was completely dehydrated.  It’s not easy living here, and we are longing for life in not necessarily even the tropics again, but maybe like, somewhere above 10 percent humidity!?  Gah!  How did I get here?

Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down…

I was reading something the other night, and realized, I don’t like being idle.  As a writer, I do my best when I am IMMERSED in something, whether it be a project, work, a business, a story, an adventure–whatever and wherever I am learning new things, that is what feels good.  And, frankly, sometimes feeling good is about not feeling bad anymore.

I am not good without goals, and when one (ahem, me) doesn’t have wine to distract me from my free time, my idle hands, my inertia, my fatigue or burnout–well, it just feels bad.  So doing what feels good is often a matter of immersion.  I am working on finding that new thing or things, but it’s not easy, especially when I know that I kind of need to earn money instead of work my tail off as a freelance journalist (pays in fulfillment, but not in money).  At the same time, I really just want to work at what I like, what inspires me to get out of bed in the morning–and at this point, that might not even be journalism, but it definitely won’t pay me what corporate “writing” does.  There has got to be a balance, and I think I am simply feeling tired and afraid of the chase–I know how hard it is to find a job that pays enough to actually get ahead.

I have savings, but it goes fast, and considering that our move cost a lot and continues to cost money; that my mom needs financial help–well, the making-money thing should take priority over the fulfilling-me thing.  Same time, I know I need to be immersed in something I find fun and challenging.

Hmm.  I think I just have to find out right now–find out what those other things I want to do are like, what they will truly cost financially and emotionally.  At some point, soon, I guess.  Haha.  I am not ready to dive off the board, and I feel cautious toward simply walking away from corporate work; I don’t want to see my bank account go down in the process either.  I guess I have to choose between happiness and money.  Or, is that just an illusion?

Incidentally, when I got sober, money was making me drink (I was earning money at a job I hated, and drank constantly); when I strove for happiness, I was much more centered and able to get sober, but making next to nothing!  Yet I was happy, striving for happiness!?  Again, though, I’m afraid I need more money than a job that offers me happiness can provide.  I think I just have to find out…again.

7 Responses to “I have to find out”

  1. Finding a Sober Miracle April 25, 2018 at 5:43 am #

    I’m where you are — I don’t want to go back to business writing, but I need to make money. I’m happier not having to make money. There has to be a middle ground there somewhere.

    I keep thinking about sober writing/healing/yoga retreats. Any interest in this endeavor? It seems like you’d be a natural. I live close to this fantastic spa-type place that has workshops all the time. I know when I was looking for something like this, there was nothing. Maybe it could be a niche business …

    Thanks for getting me thinking this morning. 💕

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 25, 2018 at 5:11 pm #

      And, you got me thinking! Thank you for this–and, yes, I have thought about leading some kind of sober retreat, and the writing-oriented one would be super-cool for people (like me, and you, who like writing about getting sober)… I think there has to be a middle ground, but I know that jobs pay money, and that money and the certainty of a paycheck can enable you to make your dreams happen. I am tired of waiting, though, so I think I somehow need to make the jump again…

      • Finding a Sober Miracle April 25, 2018 at 8:04 pm #

        I know what you mean! I have a limited time off, and it’s running out. I did finish a book proposal, but that involves waiting for results. I need to be doing something other than writing in the meantime. Part of it is just my hesitancy to “step out.” I tend to get caught up in the details of what I’m doing instead of focusing on the big picture. 😀

  2. Dana Rengers April 25, 2018 at 3:59 pm #

    I’m not a writer, but I’m (kind of) exactly where you are. Albeit, not in a desert, but career/happiness-wise. My “kind of” comes from the “I’ve already jumped off the cliff of finding my (potential) happiness” phase. I recently gave my two weeks (emotional abuse at work, coupled with mid-life crisis, couple with “what the frick do I do with my life that has any meaning”), and am headed for a job that pays $9/hour ($15/hour during the 2-3 hours I might do some accounting work for them – also, the $9/hour is for 5-10 hours per week). I’m petrified and excited all at the same time. I’ve never been able/allowed to pursue something for me. I’ve always worked to keep the household moving, or done the obligatory work. Now, THIS is FOR ME. Just as getting sober 6 months ago was FOR ME. I do have a 7-year-old son to take care of, and a partner I don’t want to drive crazy with broke-ness. Thankfully, my partner is really supportive, and I have a TAD (a seriously tiny TAD) of money saved to last at least a month. There are some other prospects out there for jobs, and I’m hanging on part-time with my current until they find a replacement. But, all this still doesn’t stop my mind from providing all the horrid “what-ifs” that come with this type of change. I’m trying my hardest to roll with the punches. Maybe this will drastically change my outlook on life, add meaning where it wasn’t before, show my son following your happiness is most important. Guess I’ll FIND OUT. We’ll be doing that together, it seems.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Never commented before, but know I read your blog and its much appreciated.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 25, 2018 at 5:07 pm #

      Love this–thank YOU so much for sharing and for jumping with me. I feel all your uncertainty and more…I do not know where this wave of fear/”omg omg omg” is coming from, after ALL these years writing for me, and earning so very little money but loving writing for me. Knowing that you are making the jump, that we are somehow in this together–it makes this day a little bit less daunting. 🙂

      • Dana May 6, 2018 at 9:15 pm #

        I’m really glad for that. Always better together, even if virtually. Two things I’ve heard recently that hit home with me…. “Urgency can be a roadblock to progress”, and “Eliminate someday, and make that today”. I’m not sure exactly how to connect those things to our discussion, but they seem to fit somehow. Hope you’ve made some progress “finding out”. I have my good days and bad, ups and downs. Overall, I definitely made the right decision. I need to make sure I frame my thoughts appropriately so as not to drag myself into a pit of self-depreciation and -doubt.

  3. StephenD May 8, 2018 at 1:06 pm #

    Talking Heads …thankyouthankyouthankyou (this can lead to an Etc. Etc. Etc. ; but one : amazing conversation OVERHEARD by another in the stands at Joe Robbie Stadium, a Marlins game, long time ago, long after partying stopped, the looks we got!)

    Savings do go fast! I think, at the moment, we feel they’re not ‘earned’. So we spend.

    Desert. Mountains. Atlantic shoreline day or night. Been there. All.
    Sense and know the big of you in the bigger that is.
    Take away the moments of away (sway) and rest.
    Take away the moments of away, and rest.
    Jobs here, et al. that will come.

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