Making assumptions

9 Jun

12:20 pm

You know how everything in years past came back to drinking and getting sober?  Well, these days, everything seems to be coming back to perimenopause–and you know what?  I am no longer going to be afraid or apologetic writing about it on this blog.  It’s a HUGE reality for me, for women in general, I have to think; and that means it occupies a lot of headspace and takes its toll in many areas of one’s life!?

Perimenopause.  Menopause.  Getting older.  Women’s bodies.  HORMONES.  Of course, I GET it, I get why people are afraid to talk about it!  Women’s issues are taboo, women’s bodies are not our own; we’re not supposed to talk about them lest we start asking questions and become, oh, I don’t know, advocates for our own health!  Really, I get why everyone, women included, are afraid to broach the subject in public forums.

What I don’t get is why they won’t talk about it even in private!?  I mean, do women have THAT far to go that even women themselves won’t talk about it, as if it’s something to loathe, be afraid of, be ashamed by?  You know, it’s not just my own gynecologists, who have brushed me off or implied that I should just get over it, get on with it; it’s my women friends who have gone through it or are going through it, and they either don’t want to talk about it with me/at all, or they try to pass it off as something that isn’t, well, kind of, sort of horrible.

I mean, you are fucking breaking out into a cold sweat before my eyes, and you’re still smiling as if it doesn’t bother you?  I get being positive and all that, but what about being real?

Beyond the physical changes, it means you’re getting old–and, I refuse to believe that I am the only woman who primarily associates this (at least at first, until I get a grip on getting older), with losing my sexuality and losing my youth and all that that entails in our culture!?  I really wish that were the case, actually; I am used to my own paranoia, and it’d be great to know that I am, indeed, the only one who feels this way.  BUT, I really, truly doubt it.

See, I refuse to hide the fact that this is driving me a bit crazy and angry and mad and frustrated and sad; that I’ve wondered if this night heat is THE THING that is worth starting drinking again over (it would be much easier to pass through the three to five hours of night heat if I was drunk); that I’ve always known that the pill offers relief but that it’s SO FAR from matching what is usually happening in a woman’s body that it might well be partly causing my lack of optimism and sometimes-paranoia.

Lately, I feel like I have become a bit paranoid.  For example, I wonder if my coworkers don’t like me, or are annoyed by me.  I am chalking it up to things beyond my control, and to politics–I don’t truly believe that my work is not good.  At home, I have been wondering if my love no longer likes me as a person–again, or course, I truly don’t believe that, and I know that he’s going through some tough transitions now, as am I…

I don’t want to make assumptions anymore, though, about what people want to hear about or talk about–if you’re still reading, that means you do want to hear about this and I’m glad!  I partly attribute this sometimes-paranoia to my hermetic lifestyle–making assumptions involves getting inside your head and not coming out for reality checks, which is usually helped by interacting with friends who normalize your tendency toward outlier (extreme, probably unhealthy) thinking and behavior.  I need more friends.  I need, in a word, to get out more!

I won’t assume that you, my awesome readers, don’t want to hear about my thoughts on perimenopause.  I won’t assume that my man doesn’t like or love me because he told me not to step in horseshit yesterday on our hike (haha–it sounds funny now).  I won’t assume that my coworkers don’t like me because one or two of them have personal issues and are using my writing to play politics in the workplace.

Onward, toward clarity and optimism, I hope.

(I have to say, my burning up at night has gotten a lot better after starting a new pill, with higher dose estrogen, and after making it through the first 10 hellish days on the pack.  I hope that it just keeps getting better from here on out.  I do turn 45 this week–a part of me realizes how young I am, while another part just wants this phase to be over with!)

7 Responses to “Making assumptions”

  1. Katherine June 9, 2019 at 1:04 pm #

    I am 55 and I want to know when it will be over with. I do talk about it with my girlfriends and we share various remedies etc. I did take HRT for a bit which stop the hot flashes, but I worried about what it would do in the long run so I stopped and the flashes returned. I think since Peri it has affected my memory and not sure about my mood, because I am on antidepressants LOL. But it often happens in the worst situations where you can’t or don’t want to talk about them… Once in a job interview where, great, signals is how goddamn old I am, or that I’m a nervous wreck about this interview and I am sweating like I am in that movie, was it network? Also when I was dating it’s like I went from bleeding accidentally in the guys bed to sweating in a guys bed… Not sure which is worse, but I have to laugh about it because otherwise I’d be crying all the time. I am not sober, but it is helpful to follow your path, as I am also a journalist/creative and daughter of an alcoholic. I went through the Alateen Al-Anon and also and do a lot of reading and research on spiritual practices in general. Anyway just know that your sisters are out there/here and we feel you!

  2. functioningguzzler June 9, 2019 at 11:23 pm #

    I’m 50 and each time I think it’s over the bastard comes back for another round!!!! I have found the moods easier to deal with without adding drinking to the mix. Previously not only would I be a cranky bitch but I would be a cranky hungover bitch lol Now I can see when I’m being a bitch and either tame it back a bit or apologize.

  3. monkeybegone June 10, 2019 at 7:35 am #

    I’m a guy but what you’re talking about seems significant and a really shared experience. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts over the years and reckon you should quote about whatever the hell you want.

  4. Adrian June 10, 2019 at 7:39 am #

    I assume you’re joking about the possibility of night heat being a reason to drink? I suffer mightily with hot flashes (they vary in every possible way, but are still here), and fucking my physiology over by adding alcohol to this craziness seems like the worse idea ever. Multiplying a hideous problem by three. And I would urge you to see the paranoia as menopause-related and put it in the “don’t believe everything you think” and treat it as a symptom and not real (not real in the sense that these people are not thinking what you’re thinking they’re thinking about you — because your reactions to that will be based on air but will have actual consequences for the relationships). Keep trying things. I’ve found that Estrovera (a rhubarb extract) helps me. It doesn’t stop the hot flashes but the couple of times I’ve gone off it I’ve realized that it very much stabilizes my mood. Good luck with the rollercoaster. You’ll be okay. It will pass. And thank you for talking about it in this space….. 🙂

  5. Ainsobriety June 10, 2019 at 4:41 pm #

    I’m 47. I have had many similar issues, although I get a regular period.

    I do think cipralex has helped. My PMS used to be debilitating. Now I may have lower mood, but I’m not paranoid or despondent.

    I saw an Ayurvedic doctor and she helped too.

    Nothing could possibly be improved by drinking.

    As an aside, I’ve been taking magnesium threonate and my sleep is better than ever…I’m impressed.


  6. GettingBetter August 12, 2019 at 11:03 am #

    Thank you thank you thank you for talking about perimenopause. I’m 45 and just starting to get the first symptoms. I’ve been scouring podcasts and the internet for first person accounts so that I don’t feel so alone. I came to this blog because I’m new to giving up alcohol, but am thrilled to see you talking about perimenopause as well. Bookmarking this one!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 18, 2019 at 9:33 pm #

      Thanks for you comment! I am so tired of searching for even the most basic information and finding nothing–it seems everyone is different and no one talks about that, it’s all just cookie cutter stuff that doesn’t apply or is woefully lacking in detail. I’m pretty sure I’ll be writing more about it (haha).

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