12:20 pm
You know how everything in years past came back to drinking and getting sober? Well, these days, everything seems to be coming back to perimenopause–and you know what? I am no longer going to be afraid or apologetic writing about it on this blog. It’s a HUGE reality for me, for women in general, I have to think; and that means it occupies a lot of headspace and takes its toll in many areas of one’s life!?
Perimenopause. Menopause. Getting older. Women’s bodies. HORMONES. Of course, I GET it, I get why people are afraid to talk about it! Women’s issues are taboo, women’s bodies are not our own; we’re not supposed to talk about them lest we start asking questions and become, oh, I don’t know, advocates for our own health! Really, I get why everyone, women included, are afraid to broach the subject in public forums.
What I don’t get is why they won’t talk about it even in private!? I mean, do women have THAT far to go that even women themselves won’t talk about it, as if it’s something to loathe, be afraid of, be ashamed by? You know, it’s not just my own gynecologists, who have brushed me off or implied that I should just get over it, get on with it; it’s my women friends who have gone through it or are going through it, and they either don’t want to talk about it with me/at all, or they try to pass it off as something that isn’t, well, kind of, sort of horrible.
I mean, you are fucking breaking out into a cold sweat before my eyes, and you’re still smiling as if it doesn’t bother you? I get being positive and all that, but what about being real?
Beyond the physical changes, it means you’re getting old–and, I refuse to believe that I am the only woman who primarily associates this (at least at first, until I get a grip on getting older), with losing my sexuality and losing my youth and all that that entails in our culture!? I really wish that were the case, actually; I am used to my own paranoia, and it’d be great to know that I am, indeed, the only one who feels this way. BUT, I really, truly doubt it.
See, I refuse to hide the fact that this is driving me a bit crazy and angry and mad and frustrated and sad; that I’ve wondered if this night heat is THE THING that is worth starting drinking again over (it would be much easier to pass through the three to five hours of night heat if I was drunk); that I’ve always known that the pill offers relief but that it’s SO FAR from matching what is usually happening in a woman’s body that it might well be partly causing my lack of optimism and sometimes-paranoia.
Lately, I feel like I have become a bit paranoid. For example, I wonder if my coworkers don’t like me, or are annoyed by me. I am chalking it up to things beyond my control, and to politics–I don’t truly believe that my work is not good. At home, I have been wondering if my love no longer likes me as a person–again, or course, I truly don’t believe that, and I know that he’s going through some tough transitions now, as am I…
I don’t want to make assumptions anymore, though, about what people want to hear about or talk about–if you’re still reading, that means you do want to hear about this and I’m glad! I partly attribute this sometimes-paranoia to my hermetic lifestyle–making assumptions involves getting inside your head and not coming out for reality checks, which is usually helped by interacting with friends who normalize your tendency toward outlier (extreme, probably unhealthy) thinking and behavior. I need more friends. I need, in a word, to get out more!
I won’t assume that you, my awesome readers, don’t want to hear about my thoughts on perimenopause. I won’t assume that my man doesn’t like or love me because he told me not to step in horseshit yesterday on our hike (haha–it sounds funny now). I won’t assume that my coworkers don’t like me because one or two of them have personal issues and are using my writing to play politics in the workplace.
Onward, toward clarity and optimism, I hope.
(I have to say, my burning up at night has gotten a lot better after starting a new pill, with higher dose estrogen, and after making it through the first 10 hellish days on the pack. I hope that it just keeps getting better from here on out. I do turn 45 this week–a part of me realizes how young I am, while another part just wants this phase to be over with!)
Drunky Drunk Girl 