1:20 pm
I feel guilty today. I am only just watching the news on TV, only just reading about all the protests (in the US; I think everyone knows what’s going on, so I won’t get into explaining it here) on social media (Twitter). I am not there, and I feel guilty for not being engaged, for seemingly not caring. Even if I was there–I am not on the mainland–I am not sure I would be at a protest, and I feel guilty about that. I am even feeling a twinge of guilt about not being active on social media (I have been off Facebook for about 1.5 months and I haven’t been on Twitter, as a user, for like, a decade)–I got off for my mental health’s sake, and I don’t see it helping me to go back on right now.
(Actually, I went on Twitter yesterday and this morning, for the first time in years, after having realized that that’s where a lot of people are getting their news these days; and I have to say, it’s been really helpful to see all the user-generated video content of the protests. However, I don’t want to log into my account and start scrolling endlessly through a feed that is so tailored toward my specific, and illusory, reality.)
Anyway, I also feel this restless anxiety toward…I don’t know, the uncertainty of all this, how it’s going to end, how it’s going to affect the COVID situation (so much for the easy re-openings!). In my opinion, this will never be fixed unless we stop telling ourselves, collectively, that “it’s a few bad apples” and “99.9% of cops are good guys.” If that were the case, why the EFF is our entire country, across cities, coast to coast, totally enraged? Why are these so-called “good apples” teargassing everyone, from peaceful protestors to journalists (who are doing their jobs!?). It’s akin to the “hearts and prayers” crap that has been on repeat in this county for decades, which does nothing to fix the problem of gun violence in America.
Like most Americans, I see these “bad apple” incidents happening over and over and over again; I see these “good cops” suit up in their wartime garb, for situations that are NOT riot scenes; I watch them commit murder again and again and again, and they never get charged. I was wondering the other day, what kind of treatment would I have gotten when I was picked up, stumbling drunk and ridiculously belligerent (a few times, years ago), if I were a person of color? I definitely don’t think I would have sobered up in peace in the slammer as the “good apple” (sincerely, there must be some!) cop just turned his or her head to my angry insults.
I don’t know what this country should do, but it’s obvious that police culture and training needs to change. Accountability somehow needs to happen–for me that means, cop-killers should not get life in prison while killer-cops don’t even get arrested or charged. It’s not as simple as that, but that’s one thing it boils down to, for me anyway.
I feel grateful today, on the other hand. Grateful that I am here, safe, and that I don’t have anything huge to do today. I mean, I feel scattered, sort of angry, so, not sure what I’ll get done; but I am willing to pull it together, to stop the black-and-white thinking, to have a day. And, I have the time and space–and safety, and privilege–to do that.
Guilty, and grateful, that’s for sure. And, there is no way around feeling both, at the same time, today; so, all I can do is feel and move on with my day, feeling what I feel.
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I agree, this isn’t about a few bad apples. Even if it’s the “bad apples” that are acting violently, systemic racism goes far beyond them.
exactly- the results of hundreds of years of turning a blind eye and dismissing it as only a few incidents has brought us to this.I believe people should seriously start preparing for a civil war ( i know it sounds cliche, but its pretty hard to deny at this point). It wasn’t one incident , one cop or isolated . We reap what we sow. I am sad and feel helpless.Hope you are well over all…you were the very first sober blog i started reading and you
still inspire me!
Aww, really? That’s so encouraging, to know that someone was reading and being inspired over here! Um, I think you might be right; we are closer to civil war than ever, and, frankly, the police forces are not making themselves look better during all these protests.
indeed…protest right in my town tonight..some violence ( some smashed a car because it drove directly into the protesters) but mostly peaceful..however, when it gets this close to home, it makes a huge point….prayers of safety for everyone.
I live in Minneapolis a couple of miles from where George Floyd was murdered. The awareness of problems with the police dept are sky high right now (obviously, but this has to be the tipping point). It’s the perfect time for white people (which I am too) to think about what actual steps they can take to wear down racism. I can’t tell you what to feel, but hoping your feeling of guilt gives way to other more productive feelings soon. And, re: social media, I’ve been finding that local papers tend to be a great way to keep up with the news on the ground. Including that they include stories of residents hitting the streets with their own brooms to clean up the debris….!!
Wow, so you are definitely in the thick of it! I don’t know what will change things, probably both individual and institutional actions. I will definitely have to check out more of the local news sources…
Nice blog
Thanks for visiting!