8:05 pm
The other day at the beach, I was thinking about depression, and how (my) expectations always seem to have some play in it. I want to preface this by saying, I am only talking about myself, and I know there is a difference between clinical depression and feeling down or low. That being said, I think there is a significant connection between unmet expectations and depression.
Admittedly, I would say that I tend toward depression. WHICH IS WHY, I believe, I tend to two-dimensionalize people. I mean, if I don’t embrace their fullness, they won’t be able to touch me, to let me down, to disappoint me. However, being let down–having my expectations not met–is a construct of my mind: if I did not create these expectations, there would be no letting down. I think we all naturally tend to expect things, from people, sure, but from general situations as well (which boils down to people). It’s just, a lot of the time, these expectations only create problems, usually for us and usually around our reactive thoughts and feelings! It’s ironic that even though expectations totally involve other people, most of the time, these other people have nothing to do with it!
Yes, there is ruminative thinking, which I do and which does get me down; black-and-white, this-or-that, catastrophic thinking does get me down. However, over the course of getting sober and recognizing these thinking patterns, I’ve learned how to better manage these looping thoughts.
On the other hand, creating expectations in my mind–thoughts that have been collected and put into present and future scenarios that will affect me, is how I’ll describe them–these are more difficult to recognize and ultimately, let go. For instance, I get pissed because a friend doesn’t behave the way I would have behaved, or wanted her to behave. That does not mean, however, that she should have behaved the way I expected or wanted her to behave! I would say that my expectations contribute more to feeling frustrated and walled in (depressed?) than ruminative thinking. And, I am trying to work on getting rid of my expectations–and getting rid of this belief that somehow, my expectations are naturally good, or moral, or healthy!
Anyway, it’s been a long week, with all the protests, the COVID, the Man in Orange. It’s hard, but I just try to absorb as much as I can tolerate, and then, compartmentalize it and/or let it go. I have to remind myself, I can have good days while also fully recognizing that the shit is hitting the fan on both sides!
On a different note, I am getting more and more used to not working, and feeling less and less confident in my desire (and ability) to work! I mean, I know that taking a forced break can lead to lethargy, but these days…let’s just say, the job boards are not lighting up.
Stay on track, let it go, and remember to look up at the moon.
(btw, how awesome was the SpaceX launch? something to be truly proud of, in the midst of all this destruction)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I, too, have a problem with expectations. I know that when I do things I think about how people will feel, be affected, etc. Sometimes I don’t understand why all people don’t do this. I mean if they did then I wouldn’t be let down. I have gotten to the point that I deliberately have to tell myself not to expect anything.
I believe expectations have a huge impact on mental health. I think that is why a lot of fellowships or professionals tell me to stay in the moment don’t live in the past or the future just live the now x
The expectations humans have on the world and one another are huge and loud and are layered and subtle and deep. It feels obvious that we should expect things, that “things” should be a certain way. Except that it’s not, and expectations just cause stress (and self-medicating — ha!). Not, they cause stress. They only cause stress. Yay for seeing them and starting to let some go….. the moon is indeed beautiful these days. XO
I can totally relate to having expectations then feeling let down when they’re not met. I do feel I’ve become much better at managing them, and reminding myself to not put my happiness outside of myself, since getting sober – another reason to be grateful for it! x