Our girl is gone…

14 Aug

6:21 pm

…and, it feels like the end of an era. It kind of is, the end of an era. She was with us for almost a decade (8.5 years from the time I met her until the day she died, which was on Wednesday)–during that time, she lived her entire life…and we, too, lived a decade of our own lifetime. I think that’s what’s most jarring right now, is that we aged a decade, too; we saw a decade of our life disappear, too. A lifetime, in an instant–that’s how all those years of fun, growth, and love seem to me. Lifetimes are instants; the mind cannot comprehend, truly, the passage of time.

What did it all mean, I can’t help but wonder? Sure, she was my higher power; she was literally my entire (albeit small, I see that now) world, after I moved here and got sober, but before I got the courage to re-enter the “real” world (of work and friends and all that comes with stepping out). She, along with our other dog and my boo and my neighborhood–they were my world, for years; and there was nothing more I wanted, truly.

I feel a bit guilty that I “outgrew” only needing this dog, this world! As she aged, started to hurt, became more subdued in her older years, um, so did I! I mean, I grew up, so to speak, alongside her. When I looked through pictures of myself from back in her younger day, I, too, looked so much younger then, it seems: brighter, happier, more smiling. I was beaming, probably out of love for her, my new life, my newfound sobriety, maybe just the giddy youth that you don’t realize you still very much have in your 30s. My 40s have forced me to grow up and stop shitting (as many) unicorns, as it were; I still loved her with all my heart up until her very last day. I know she knows that, and I know it was her time, yet, I still feel a tad guilty.

But I also feel relieved. Her final night was really hard, and I woke up convinced that neither she nor I ever wanted to see her in so much pain ever again. So, we called the vet out to the house, and, surrounded by our loving arms, looking out at the water in her favorite spot (dating back almost a decade)–our girl passed, very peacefully.

It’s been quiet around here, that’s for sure. I am relieved that after about 1.5 years of tending to her needs 24/7, I don’t have to worry about what she’s doing and if she needs me. The final few weeks were really painful to watch, wondering with every passing second if she was in pain, if she was now deaf, if she was overmedicated or experiencing some kind of dementia or just in distress. Now that I have all my time and energy back, it’s like, what do I do with myself?

I was thinking that, it’d be a shame to not get another dog. You hear people who have gone through this say, Oh, I can’t do that again. Same thing with humans who lose a spouse–there will be no one who can replace him/her. Yet…we are made to love. And, to spend the rest of your life not doing what you were meant to do–I can’t see it.

I mean, what do we have to show for our lifetime together? It’s like, we’re back in the same house, the same place, and I feel like nothing happened; yet, it all did, right here. It all went down here, years and years of love. Is that all there is, really, is the love, the act of loving–and there is nothing tangible (unless you have babies or create art) to show for that, and there shouldn’t be. That’s the nature of love; that’s the nature of life. We come, we love, we go.

So, why do anything then? Are all our pursuits outside of loving each other and our animals simply neuroses, compulsions that propel us to work, strive, achieve, accomplish? Who knows?

Anyway, I’m glad she’s no longer struggling, and, I’m joyful, truly, that she got to live out her fierce, fun-loving life until the very end.

10 Responses to “Our girl is gone…”

  1. Dwight Hyde August 14, 2020 at 7:48 pm #

    Sending big hugs🤗. What a gift you both gave each other❤️

  2. Julie August 14, 2020 at 10:09 pm #

    I’m sorry for your loss but glad she passed peacefully. What a wonderful friend.

  3. Adrian August 15, 2020 at 9:40 am #

    I’m sorry for your aching heart. I’m glad she’s free to fly now. Everything IS love. And all the activity, it’s because humans are wired to do stuff. We come, we participate, we go…. I said goodbye last summer to my 24-year-old cat who’d been with me since she was a baby, and it was brutal. I was agnostic on the question of another cat, thought maybe I’d take the middle 1/3 of my life off from the constraints of pet ownership. Gave away her stuff. Six months later a kitten shows up on our porch (December, northern North America), who we of course fed through the winter. This all caused me much confusion because I am of the sort who deeply bonds with cats and has them as best friends and didn’t know what to do with the idea of feeding a feral cat on my porch indefinitely. Turned out he, though terrified of us because of his current nervous system’s state (fending for self outdoors in a world of coyotes, rapters, etc.) wanted us. Day by day he got used to us and now sleeps in the house at night and hangs with me endlessly and is my new best friend, the sweetest creature ever. If you do the math, he was conceived around the time Sadie died. Go figure. Who knows what these sweet creatures are up to. Maybe your girl will do a U turn, too. If you’re interested, you could ask her to….. take good care. Adrian

  4. shawna rae August 15, 2020 at 4:47 pm #

    What an amazing post! It’s so true, what you said so beautifully about being here to love. I lost my best dog years ago, a beautiful white Samoyed. No other dog can replace him, but somehow my life seemed incomplete without another one. Now I have a mini Australian Shepherd. He’s nothing like my Samoyed, and that’s fine. Just lately, he’s been finding it harder to get around, so one day I’ll be watching him pass as well. But right now, he’s snoring outside my door, and that makes me content, like I have a live-in family, and it’s not just my husband and me.

    Thank you for this insight. 💕

  5. Ainsobriety August 15, 2020 at 11:48 pm #

    I’m so sorry. She was lucky to have you and if you choose another dog, that one will be better for it too.
    We are made for love.
    Stillness and peace

  6. drgettingsober August 16, 2020 at 3:12 pm #

    So sorry for your loss – sounds like you were with her all the way and shared a life of love – I agree about getting another dog – it will be a very lucky pooch! Lovely point about love and life 💞💞💞

  7. Untipsyteacher August 16, 2020 at 5:11 pm #

    Oh, hugs honey!
    I still grieve for our dog we lost years ago! I just didn’t think I could go through the heartbreak again.
    In retrospect, I wish we had gotten another one soon after.
    Now, I am wanting to let another fur friend in, but it gets harder the longer I wait.
    I am so glad your fur friend is at peace.

  8. Just Some Woman August 17, 2020 at 9:59 am #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful life she had with you! Hugs & peace.

  9. Lovie Price August 18, 2020 at 4:50 am #

    oh my gosh..i’m so sorry to hear that…there is almost nothing worse than losing a pet ( besides a close family member)..i still miss my dalmatian and its been over a decade..every year on that anniversary i just cry…still not ready for a new pet….big hugs to you!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 18, 2020 at 12:56 pm #

      Yes, it was time…we had a horrible night, and I saw just how much distress she was in, so decided to end it the second I woke up on Wed. I feel like a part of my brain is gone–and, it kind of is… I feel partly angry, partly zoned out. I think we’ll definitely get another dog soon; the thing about this dog is that, she lived until the very end, so, it is more a matter of accepting that she is gone rather than accepting the “unacceptable” (an early death, or a sudden death). Hugs back atcha!

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