Social Anxiety | Drunky Drunk Girl

Archive | Social Anxiety RSS feed for this section

Grateful to be going to bed sober…

1:06 am

So, that’s over. I got the recap from my boyfriend, and apparently, nothing irreversibly horrible happened or was done. Yet, as he explained my bizarre behavior, it once again makes me wonder, what is a blackout? Is it me? I mean, really, is this person me? Is the booze shutting off my brain, or certain parts of it, such that I’m literally no longer me? Or is it turning certain deeper, inhibited parts ON such that I’m actually more myself?

I know I need to just forget and stop saying I’m sorry, but the blackouts and the shit I’ve done during them haunt me. I don’t understand them and therefore, can’t really put them behind me. Plus, when you haven’t really done it — if you don’t remember, it is like it never happened, at least to you — how can you gain any kind of closure?

I know I need to make some decisions and get back to work — what is “work,” though? — but I also need to focus on staying sober. Being around people who are drinking, while not innately bad, just doesn’t make it easier for me to keep on keepin’ on. It makes it that much harder to accept being sober, makes it even more of a pain to continue to resist. I know I need to embrace my fears, indecision, and lack of creativity, which is causing my depression. I know I need to embrace the transitions and changes in my life, a big one learning how to live sober. Like, I don’t know how to approach certain situations, life events, and feelings anymore without booze, whether that be actually drinking it or simply thinking about drinking it. I can’t turn to it anymore to ease my stress and/or insecurities surrounding working as a writer; I can’t turn to it anymore to “fix” my fears and/or uncertainties related to dating, love, family, and relationships/friendships. I gotta start from scratch, and that’s just…well, it’s all just a bit much.

Hence, the four hours of rather painful hiking I forced myself to do today, in my hung over state, through the 95-degree heat.

Anyway, I’m so tired and groggy and feeling like hungover ass, so I’ll sign off. My bf and I are going to an AA meeting at 8 am on the beach tomorrow morning. I’ll def keep ya posted on that…

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, blackout, depression, drinking, hangover, hung over, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Blackout, Depression, Hangover, Social Anxiety

Three strikes and I’m out? Fell off the wagon again…

18 Aug

1:10 pm

…and I’m seriously not happy about this.

Peer pressure. Fuck me! Well, peer pressure combined with a restlessness that I’m sure I’m blaming on everyone but myself. And I don’t mean to, which makes me feel quite sad with myself. It’s not you, it’s me. For real. Yes, I do feel restless and unsure about the next step(s) in my life, and this is NOT EASY to deal with sober, let alone drunk. Fuck me, though.

So, I don’t have many friends down here and/or a life of my own (if I move down, I think I’ll put more of an effort into seeking this out), so when two girlfriends of my boyfriend popped over and pressured me (Come on, just one glass!) to drink a glass of red with them, I caved. I caved! WTF? They don’t know that I’m trying to get sober, have NO IDEA what a mess I am when it comes to drinkin’, don’t understand (they seem to be still livin’ it up, drinking-wise), and were just trying to be friendly. I can’t believe I took the bait, though, especially after ALL the social gatherings of late (a wedding, for fuck’s sake!) I’ve endured sober. I must be seriously insecure… Or, maybe just searching for a sense of belonging here. But, yeah, that’s how easy it is to relapse, convincing myself that it’s OK to have “just one,” if, like, I really don’t feel like drinking anyway (yeah, right) and I’m at home and it’s safe and I’m with friends.

I might have cracked on my own, though, since I felt bored, bland, restless, lacking in creativity (i.e., have not accomplished much creatively speaking in a long time, which is grinding away at my conscience — more on that later), etc. I mean, I was in a bad mood and wanted to give the finger to it all.

Anyway, it was totally downhill after that first glass…might as well drink another bottle or two, right? Yeah, right. Now? I feel depressed, nothing’s changed, my boyfriend is pissed, I am crushed at my lack of discipline and possibly having let him down/hurt him AGAIN, and well, I feel hung the fuck over. Was it worth it? Of course, it wasn’t.

Suck it and see? Twice now. I don’t want the third time to happen. I just don’t. I guess I simply cannot drink normally. Then again, I always only seem to drink when I feel bad, depressed or frustrated with my life. Maybe it’d turn out differently…NO! It won’t. Like, I was already thinking about the second bottle (not glass, bottle) before I even finished my first glass. That’s just…weird. That’s just compulsion defined, that’s what that is.

I’m worried, actually, what I’ll end up doing these days. Apparently, I didn’t get crazy in front of the girls, but I know my bf is pissed, so maybe I gave him hell in the bedroom before I passed out? Or, maybe I just passed out? Ugh.

Need new coping mechanisms. Really, really do. This shit ain’t working anymore, especially when the drunky drunk time is not fun either (I remember feeling even more restless, pissy, angry, frustrated, sad/depressed while drunk than before I started drinking). Meh.

And, to top it all off, I’m hung over. AND, I have to start over counting days. Which is why this blog is about “getting sober” and not “being sober,” I suppose. Forgive myself and move forward is all I can do…

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, cravings, depression, drinking, drinking buddies, hangover, hung over, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Depression, Hangover, Social Anxiety

Sober dinner parties rock! Even if you’re the only one sober…

15 Aug

2:34 am

So, as I wrote yesterday, I fell off the horse Sunday night after 60 days of sobriety. It sucked, I went to my dark place, and I still feel slightly hung over, 48 hours later. BUT, I had a GREAT day today, and despite having drunk I think it was four Diet Cokes and at least two more ginger ales, it was a very healthful day, physically and emotionally.

After I took the dogs for a walk, I went for a run for the first time in a few weeks. I felt pretty good, despite having twisted or overextended my knee recently, so that’s encouraging. I think it’ll really help my mood swings if I’m able to one, set and achieve at least one goal per day, and two, get some endorphins pumping again. In the afternoon, my boyfriend and I met a few friends at a wonderfully secluded beach, and then later, we invited this couple and another over for a dinner party — awesome. I love dinner parties. Very life affirming. And…cool to do it with someone you’re dating. (I thought about the last time I did stuff like this, and, I was for sure WASTED. So, it’s…different and nice and grown up in way that it never was before for me.)

I must admit, I was a tad bit…nervous, I suppose, since we haven’t had guests since we’ve been housesitting and I usually use wine to loosen up the talking joints. Chalk it up to practice (I’ve hung out before sober, of course), or a general feeling of being at ease with my boyfriend, or the crowd (very chill), or the fact that I was flying high on caffeine — I don’t know why, but I felt good, talkative, not at all self-conscious. (Hmm, the question does come to mind: Maybe I’m just way cooler than I give myself credit for?)

Anyway, we went swimming and hot-tubbing after dinner, and I didn’t feel weird at all being stone cold sober. In fact, I totally enjoyed remembering every detail, staring up at the shooting stars, being naked and seeing my friends naked (that was something I totally would have missed if I had been drinking and something I actually surprisingly dug — it made me feel closer to them), feeling the spray of the bubbling water blow over my wet skin… I actually did think at one point, how would I be acting if I was my drunky drunk self? Overly flirty? Somewhat out of line? Totally inappropriate? I’m not sure, and I’m glad I was my mostly awkward self; anything else would have ruined a perfect evening.

I think it’ll be easy — well, easier — to get back on the horse now that I’ve got 60 days practice at being sober. I think my new goals are to fully confront my anxiety and social anxiety while sober, as well as work toward — after 60 days — living sober and not simply “not drinking.” It’s hard down here to do that, in a way, when the island culture is all about indulging in your vices. However, I just can’t see living only to stay sober; I have to eventually embrace being sober, living to BE sober. I think it’s a significantly different mindset: when you’re staying sober, you’re wanting to drink but not allowing yourself, which is constantly frustrating. But, when you’re living to be sober, you’re embracing and enjoying not drinking instead of simply grinning and bearing it.

Two days and counting. 😉

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, dinner party, drinking, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

Of extremely large iced coffees…

9 Aug

9:04 pm

Nope, I didn’t cave and drink that bottle of red I bought yesterday afternoon. I hope to hold onto it like I did the last bottle I bought — on the top shelf of someone else’s wine rack, ready to uncork and serve…to someone else, some other day when I’m long gone from this housesitting gig.

I feel pretty good about it. Mostly that has to do with me making choices, and sticking with them. A not insignificant part of it, I must admit, has to do with being able to have and savor the moment when I tell my friends and family, Nope, bitches, I haven’t had a drink in 90 days. 180 days. 360 days.

(And, why do I care so god damned much what other people think? Do I even know what they think, or am I just assuming? I mean, I’d say that the people closest to me — my handful of friends who have literally saved me from accidentally killing myself while shitfaced, my family members (both brothers, mom, dad, and uncle…and some cousins, I’m sure) who have seen me black out and get crazy confused and belligerent on their asses — I’d say that all of these people would be nothing but happy, relieved, proud that I’ve quit. It’s the one or two or four assholes in my life who have taken a blackout and held it against me for years, or unfriended me, or treat me like a piece of shit whenever we hang out (but do it quietly, of course) cuz they know they’ve got an upper hand on me; it’s these people whom I dwell on and let piss me the fuck off. Why? What is wrong with me that at my age, I can’t just LET IT GO. Good riddance, and btw, I’m happier now, I’ve moved on, I’m no longer in that place, and I hope to God(dess) that you’ve got something better going on in your lives, too. Though, the vindictive bitch in me, I’ll admit it, hopes that they’re sad and stuck and haven’t moved on! Anyhoo…Jesus. Hello, rambling, negative thoughts! I don’t care, though; these torrents of thoughts are what make me drink, but also what make me able to have decent conversations with good, open, curious people.)

The problem I have now is, how to go out and not drink? Like, sure, I’ve gone out and even gone to a wedding without having drunk, but it wasn’t like, Woo hoo, I’m GOING OUT! It was more of a grit-my-teeth-and-pretend-to-smile affair, at least that’s how it felt to me. I want to WANT to go out and not drink. Not care about it. I need to learn how to be social without the “fun” that booze promises. In fact, and I’m not seeing this go away with sobriety and improved mood on my part, I really have ZERO desire to socialize, meet new people, hear their stories. Maybe I’m too old for the “fun and games” of your 20s and 30s (I’m 38), maybe I’m a burned out journalist (one of the hazards of that profession is eventually coming to treat people like commodities, and getting tired, oh, so tired, of listening to their stories), maybe I erroneously equate “relating” to drunken babbling over the top of a bar, so I’m turned off by it. Really, I’d rather stay home. And, it’s not totally because I don’t want to go out and not be able to drink. I gotta fix that. Or do I? Hmm…

I have to constantly remind myself that drinking that bottle of red IS NOT A REWARD; that’s the booze-fiend in my head talking. Drinking that bottle of red out at a bar doesn’t make the conversation more interesting to anyone but YOU; that’s the social anxiety drama queen in my head whining. I don’t need to drink to socialize, and/or sit at bars, and I know I can do it. What if…I just embrace and accept that my drink of choice will be a decaf iced coffee? The rest I’m going to have to confront — why I don’t want to meet new people, why I want to delve into myself most of the time these days, reading, writing, yoga, meditation, long walks alone — but I can do it on my own time, I guess…

Btw, thanks to one and all — and especially my friends online who commented last night — for giving me that extra reason/incentive to NOT imbibe last night. I hate to say it, but I might try and find an AA meeting soon and give it a chance…

(All that being said, I still want to drink and I’m still mulling that bottle over… Sigh. 57 days and 21 hours…)

Tags: AA, alcoholic, alcoholism, cravings, drinking, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 7 Comments
Categories AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Cravings, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

The James Dean complex

17 Jul

3:02 pm

(And no, I don’t mean a closet case who died before he had the chance to come out!)

I’m pretty sure all addicts, regardless of substance of choice, have a James Dean complex. I’m going to discuss it, of course, as it pertains to the seemingly socially unacceptable habits of smoking, drinking, and/or doing hard drugs.

It’s not something you haven’t thought of: What happens to your persona when you quit drinking, stop smoking, or flush your hard drugs? You’re no longer “hip.” You’ve lost your “cool.” You can no longer identify with what our society has outwardly shunned but inwardly normalized to be “exciting,” (i.e., daring/rebellious). So, who the hell are you now?

James Dean (or, the characters he played, at least) represented the misunderstood outcast. Smoking was a form of self-expression, a persona. And he was a BADASS mothafucka for it! Every man wanted to be him and every woman wanted to fuck him. Why? Cuz he threw caution to the wind, did what he wanted against everyone’s better judgment. While smoking was made to seem cool and sexy in order to sell the smokes back then, though, public health mandates and general common sense have evolved (along with medical studies). Yet, we still seem to idolize or desire to emulate (or become, in our fantasies) the “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” lifestyle — despite our “evolved” best judgments! We still think, on some level, that overdosing rock stars and hard-boozing journalists are living more exciting lives than us. Addicts are as much addicted to the drug as to the persona. They cultivate their personas and then they become them. In my case and I know others, we become not only identified with our habit but also emotionally attached to it.

I had a friend from grad school who nearly killed himself the year of our studies. He drank so much booze and did so much coke that he ended up triggering a latent autoimmune disease inside his body. The last time I saw him was a few days before graduation; he looked white as chalk and about to fall over. Next thing I know, he’s in the hospital within a few hours of death. He missed graduation and was ordered to strictly avoid booze and drugs for like, the rest of his life if he wanted to keep it.

I went out for “drinks” with him a few days after graduation. It was in a word, weird. I’d only known this guy as a chain-smoking, beer-guzzling, damn-fine journalist. He may even have been Hunter S. Thompson’s actual reincarnate. How would he live and who would he be without his smokes and booze? Would he even be able to be a good journalist? (Turns out, yes, but I’ve lost touch with him to even know if he’s drinking and/or smoking again.) I know he must have struggled with these questions. (A life-threatening disease probably helped him reach some smart conclusions pretty fast, though.)

I’ve always worried about being too shy and socially awkward — AGAIN — once I quit drinking. So far, that hasn’t really been the case. And, I’m drifting steadily away from actually wanting to be *that person,* wine glass dangling precariously from one hand, the other holding me up on the bar while I laugh too loudly at some stupid, unattractive man’s “jokes.” However, while I may no longer define myself by it, I still feel an emotional attachment to the act of drinking wine. I miss it. I miss drinking at night. I miss drinking while watching movies. I miss drinking and having sex. I wonder if the sex is less exciting…and then I feel a sense of being deflated, of having lost something. I equate wine with feeling and being exciting (because I never thought I was?), and so I suppose that is the persona I used drinking to acquire, hold/wear, live out. What if I’m no longer that “badass?” What if I’m no longer fun, sexy, or sexually attractive? What if people were attracted to that kind of crazy, and now that I can’t and won’t go there, they don’t want to come along for ANY ride with me? Drinking is my island; and, you’re telling me I can never escape to that island again?

It’s confusing, and the only advice I can give myself after a few weeks of being sober is, You just have to wait and see. Live out your days, confront life and being and friendships and sex SOBER, and then get back to me and tell me that it’s either better or worse than when you were doing it drunk. With perspective comes better choices; maybe I will decide that yep, all those things ARE actually better while drinking/drunk. Or, maybe I won’t…