7:20 pm
I started this post a week ago–it’s been busy, to say the least. BUT, it’s good to be home. It’s starting to feel like home now, not some weird in-between world where mostly dead things were floating and roaming. My memories have gone from sepia to color. I can walk around and plan the current me’s day, not cry and think about the “old” me of eight years ago.
It’s good to be home again, it really is. The re-entry was a bit rough, I have to say, but I feel like I’m settling into a new normal: the feeling that this is too familiar has been replaced by, I’m grateful to feel at home; the feeling that I have outgrown my old life has been replaced by, I’m grateful that I’m in a different place, both personally and professionally (wow, that is an understatement: I have a full-time job this time, whereas when I came down eight years ago, I was embarking on a freelance writing “career”…oof, it makes me tired and stressed just remembering just how much work, and uncertainty, and being poor that whole thing brought with it).
Mostly, I’ve come to accept that it is not the same, and it never will be. BUT, it is still a place where I can live fully (with a different sense of self and empowerment, since I am sober and not getting-sober) and fully enjoy all the things, those that are familiar and those that are new; I get to rediscover the things that I loved most about living here. It is what it is, right now, at this time–we are who were are, and there is no living in the past. To live in the past would be…to turn into people who have never left, and that is not who we are.
So, it’s been a little over a month since we moved back to our island in the sun, and a lot has happened. We’ve received our shipped stuff and our car; we’ve had a holiday (Thanksgiving) and a birthday (my boo’s); we’ve been on two boat trips (which is a record; normally, we didn’t go on a boat trip to neighboring islands but maybe once every three to six months!); I’ve somehow managed to make my brain work through the past four weeks of my job (hello, fog brain; I will fight you to the death) and survive yet another month of some crazy nighttime burning-up shit (I have stopped my Googling and just accepted that there is nothing more I can do right now except what I am doing and wait until I am further along; but, things have gotten better re: the night heat, I think, since last year, since two years ago, so there IS that).
What else? I’ve walked countless times through our old ‘hood, along all the old trails; we’ve come to realize that our dog is never going to be able to walk much around here, but we can take her to the “dog beach,” which we’ve done a few times, and which she loves. She loves being in her old childhood home; she’s finally remembered and is loving all her old spots, all her old things (she likes to guard her territory; she loves to sit on the deck, surveying the world, making sure it’s in order–I am so glad she can do that now because she’s not cooped up in a second-floor apartment). We’ve been to quite a few restos again, and a few different beaches (kind of slacking on that, but we’ve both been cranking at work). I’ve actually reached out–on my own–to several friends here, and we’ve done dinners, lunches, beach meetups.
And, I’ve actually joined a gym and gone a few times! See, when I lived here before (for the entire five-plus years), I was always afraid to go to a gym for fear I would, I don’t know, have to be social, meet new people, work out in front of others. It was one of the many sober ticks I had that held me back; it also served to further isolate me, as I only and always worked out alone (which meant slogging up and down the hills in the blazing heat, alone). Anyway, this time, I just couldn’t slog it out anymore, hot and alone; and, running around our ‘hood today reminds me way too much of my sober walks with our now-gone son (our boxer-beagle) and our younger girl (the one who can’t walk much these days)–it was a wonder-full time, full of thinking, and wondering, and ruminating on getting sober, celebrating being sober, living in my pink bubble, but…
Been there, done that. I still love my walks in the sun, surrounded by lush green hillsides and crystalline blue vistas–but, I am sober, and all that is done. I mean, I am still and always will be in recovery–lately, I’ve realized that I still have a lot of work to do on my anger and resentment–but, those years spent getting sober are gone. It’s time to fully embrace the present, here, and live in the real world, here, which I sort of didn’t do the last time around. I mean, maybe not–can I just write fiction instead? Anyway, if this makes any sense, going to the gym here is one step forward.
Another is not caring what other people think about me, or what I’m doing! And, who KNEW that um, like almost every other alcoholic drinker, I, too, care/cared A LOT about what others thought of me (or, what I thought they thought of me, of my behavior, of my actions, etc.).
I have to say, I just don’t care that much anymore what other people are doing and what they think of what I’m doing (or, more accurately, what I think they think of what I’m doing). It is subtle, but not really: before, when I was here getting sober, it was almost all I thought about. What do they think of me, of me getting and being sober? What do they think of what I’m doing? I used to fret all the time about whether people thought I was antisocial; if they judged me for choosing to stay at home and work for a company on the mainland. Granted, I never thought twice about not being able to actually earn a living working at a low-paying job down here, and so intentionally never cutting my ties with my professional world; but, I always thought that people might have judged me as snooty, or somehow too good for this place. It was weird.
This time around, I simply cannot and do not care about any of the above. I am doing my do, and glad–no, super-grateful–for the fact that I CAN work remotely and that I had the vision to go for it so that I could pay off my student loan debt and start working on other financial goals. Honestly, I don’t even have the time to care about what others are actually thinking and going through right now, let alone what I think they think of me!
Leaving helped. Being away helped. We were alone, without a familiar set of people and places; we had to had to sit down and figure out what we wanted–that was hard, and it took work, and it’s paid off. I feel like I have a much broader idea of this world as it fits into the outside world, and our possibilities. Frankly, I don’t feel intimidated anymore by people here, by MOST people (well, except my big boss at my current job–she is just too much fire for one five-foot woman). Maybe it’s because people never WERE that intimidating, especially here; this place feels way more relaxed and inviting/welcoming than I ever remember it!? Maybe we’ve just evolved and this is how it feels to be in your mid-40s (and, for that, I love being in my 40s).
Whatever, it’s just been liberating: I feel allowed (by myself) to finally just do my thang and live. To make my gorgeous plans, and to live them. I don’t have to waste any more of my time wondering about what others are thinking, or doing; not that I don’t care, but that I have boundaries now such that I am able to live most fully and most happily.
Anyway, it’s good to be home, to be here. Finally.
Drunky Drunk Girl 