10:41 pm
This holiday has been stressful to me, I have to admit. We’re in a different place and time, and a different space, within ourselves. All this change, combined with all this self-imposed people pleasing–well, it grates, especially since it’s one of the reasons I drank in the first place. If only I didn’t have to do this, if only I could just say no, I wouldn’t have to drink…is how it used to go down in my mind. Still sort of does, on some level, I guess.
I remember feeling so unappreciated (kind of how I’ve been feeling lately, but I see it for what it is–partly of my own creation), and drinking at that feeling. I remember drinking at people, if they pissed me off; or at bad situations, if they didn’t go my way; or at being let down, if my expectations weren’t met. It sounds hard to believe to people who don’t use alcohol, but it’s how we keep rationalizing our compulsive and binge drinking, even when it screws up our heads and lives: before we’re able to think it through, pick it apart, and realize what we can change and what we’ve created in our own minds–we drink. Bam! We’re drunk and shit sucks, and we’re down the same hole.
I can’t tell you how much I’ve wanted to say “Fuck it” the past few weeks, months, seasons. It’s a feeling that builds and builds, a little “fuck it” here, a little more “fuck it” there, and…you know how it ends. Rest assured, I am not going to drink, but I don’t think I’ve felt so close to wanting to say, fuck it, and go and get what’s MINE.
I miss having something of my own to take the edge off; I miss being able to just say, fuck it, I’m done, I’m drinking wine now. Is what I’m really wanting and needing, though, some time for myself, to nurture and heal and appreciate what I’ve accomplished and who I am? Is what I’m really needing some simple self-care? Because, in that caring of self, as a sober person, I can totally see my role (my expectations and reactions) in creating a bad situation. It’s also a way to reinforce self-respecting behavior (like, I feel this way and so, in respect for my legitimate feelings, I say no, or I don’t do this).
And I told you to be patient, and I told you to be kind
When you’re actively drinking, there is no self-reflection; it feels SO good to drink at it–whether it’s your anger at what someone did to you, or your feeling of frustration at not having handled the situation differently, or your belief that you are helpless to change it anyway–and then, to hold onto it until the bottle’s gone and you’ve blasted off, not to return until you come back the next morning (or afternoon) and realize that you’ve so lost. Whatever there was to win, you definitely did not win that.
Letting go is the hardest part, it really is; it’s all about a higher self, and higher behavior; and sometimes it feels like your brain is pulling itself apart.
What I’m increasingly tired of is, I never get to escape…to the magic realm. You know??? To the romantic place. To the sensual world. To the realm of ridiculous fantasy…which is what wine and drugs do, is they help you CREATE the ridiculous fantasy, and it feels so damn good to be there for a while!? The ancient Greeks knew how important wine was to their conversational gatherings, right? God, if only I came of age in archaic Greece!?
Regular life just gets so monotonous! I miss wine…enhancing music, the present, the past, the holidays, my relationships, my dreams. I miss the old me, and I have missed that crazy, romantic bitch ever since I got sober and had to let a large part of her go!? I know, this way is so much better–I can actually hear music, have a present that is worth living, have a past that doesn’t haunt me, experience holidays that go off without a hitch, cultivate relationships that don’t crumble or blow up, and, um actually make real some of those dreams. I just have to wonder, will I ever truly be able to smile easily, and without some part of my mind thinking, God, it would be SO much easier to find this entertaining if I had some wine?
I guess I’m feeling uninspired lately, a bit cynical, and just sort of a combination of tired and under-appreciated; I know I can remedy all of this with self-care, which includes just making some other choices. And, it’s a blessing of being sober to not only have choices, but know that I have choices.
Anyway, my two cents is this: whenever you feel like drinking this holiday, just remind yourself that IF you’re drinking AT someone, or something, it’s SO only going to fuck you up. That someone or something does not know, and does not care; and worse, it won’t solve or change anything. Remember, drinking AT yourself, or your problems, or your letdowns is not going to change you, or your problems, or your letdowns. And, while all this advice sucks and stings, this, too, shall pass. Give it a minute, three, a few hours–hang in there–because this, too, shall pass. Your higher self will come back to the fore, and you’ll be able to agree with me/you, and say, right, OK, I got this. I don’t have to drink now. I don’t have to drink. Exhale, this sucks, I still hurt, but I don’t have to drink.
Thank you, friends; I am sort of tearing up because I know I am talking to myself now, and I know that you’ve been listening and hearing me for the past six holiday seasons before this one.
Merry Christmas, all, and to all a good, sober night.
Drunky Drunk Girl 