Tag Archives: reasons not to drink

Tonight I won’t drink because…

28 Oct

8:49 pm

I don’t want to feel drunk, or sick to my stomach. Or dizzy. I don’t want to feel dizzy, like my head is coming unglued, my brain unzipped, my thoughts not forming or falling apart as they form.

I don’t want to feel hung over tomorrow and ruin the day. Or the next two days. Or the rest of the week. I could really do without feeling like death, having a panic attack, and being barely able to function mentally and emotionally for the next several days, yes. I don’t want to be hung over, ever, EVER again.

I don’t have the money, if I’m honest, to waste on wine.

I will piss out the wine almost as fast as I drink it, along with all my nutrients (because I am, actually, eating now). But not before the wine soaks every organ in my body, metabolizes into a carcinogenic chemical, and turns my urinary tract into an acidic hell. No, no. I don’t have much say over the miracle of my physiology, but at least I can put gas in gas, and oil in oil, and make sure to not mix the two. Yes, I get the magnitude of this simple choice now, this choice of GOOD fuel over, well, dirty oil.

I don’t want to cry, or weep. About old things. Sad things. Things I’ve done. Things that are not what I’ve got going on now, what I’m doing now, who I am now, what I’m working toward now.

I have work to do. And I will have work to do tomorrow. And, I actually want to work instead of avoiding it by drinking and making it impossible to even try.

I don’t want to call people, like an ex, or my brother who hasn’t forgiven me for freaking out on him two years ago, and say things that they don’t deserve to hear.

I don’t want to be emotional. I want to be cold, precise, and sharp. Empty, even.

I don’t want to yell at people, for no reason, or every reason. I don’t have the energy to waste, and even if I did, I wouldn’t want to spend it on this.

I want what I have now, which is a certain calm, a deep well that doesn’t move at night, that keeps me in its grasp–finally.

I want to be responsible, boring even. I don’t need the drama, the attention, the diversion; I have a goal, a purpose, which is, well, being sober and then, working on allowing everything else to happen.

I like wearing my “mom” jeans, OK?

10 reasons not to drink today

21 Jun

10:57 am

I’m going to go for writing a few shorter posts over the next few days, as my long-windedness is even tiring ME out.

I woke up, made my (decaf) iced coffee (it’s too hot down here for coffee, and I haven’t had a cup of regular since 2005–true story), and watered my plants. Well, budding plants. SOON-to-be budding plants. I think I buried the seeds too deep the first time, and the only thing that’s come up is the tomato. I planted new seeds this morning and covered them with a mere dusting of potting soil. We’ll see. (I must say, for someone who grew up on a dairy farm, I sure don’t have a green thumb. Trial and error, I guess.)

So, that list. Ten reasons not to drink today:

1. I want to get shit done. Which means, I’ll be working TOWARD that to-do list, not against or away from it.
2. It’s nice today (it’s been raining a lot here lately), and I don’t want to miss the sun, a run, my walk with the dogs, a long-overdue trip to the beach later to watch the sun set. The list is infinite.
3. I don’t want to feel like absolute ASS tomorrow. Period. There is nothing like a three-day hangover to make you go, FUCK THIS.
4. I don’t want the calories. That wine gut? Turns out, it’s not been easy to lose. (Then again, maybe I should lay off the buttercream frosting?)
5. I don’t want to spend the money, and literally, pour it down the drain.
6. I don’t want to talk too much, cry too much, or have a mood swing that’s tied to nothing REAL.
7. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel proud that I made it another day. And I sure as hell don’t want to give up before I reach 180 days, as my longest stretch was almost six months. I DO believe in that miracle now, and it’s so subtle that if it wasn’t well, a miracle, I’d shake it’s little head back and forth, whisper-screaming, “YOU LITTLE BITCH! What took you so long?!”

And, you know what’s strange, but I’m having a hard time thinking of the last three! I mean, I’m so USED to not drinking, I don’t think about why I should or shouldn’t drink–I just shouldn’t, end of story. But, if I was pressed, I would delve deeper:

8. I LIKE the consistency of sobriety, the lack of both real and imagined drama–I know that I have the next however many hours, and I know I can plan to do things and they will get done. There are no distractions, no shenanigans.
9. I LIKE being able to see the horizon, and that horizon includes a further line of thought–I am more plugged into both my internal and external sources of stimuli and information, and I can react appropriately.
10. I don’t have the urge to drink. I don’t necessarily want to drink anymore than I want to…I don’t know, spin around in my chair until I get dizzy. It’s just not something I DO. Anymore. Well, for right now at least.

Anyway, happy Friday, friends!

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