11:27 pm
I hope all are having or had a good holiday. We did, but honestly, I’m kind of glad it’s over, and I’m looking forward to a quiet New Year’s Eve with no plans (or obligations) and no cooking (or overeating). Oof! Back away from the chocolate, the cookies, the quiche, the chicken pot pie, DDG…
Maybe it was the move and all the work surrounding that both before and after, but I felt quite stressed this Christmas. Like, I don’t have kids, I didn’t travel to family and so didn’t have to buy gifts for said family; it’s not like a have a ton to do–not like my friends who are parents, who have actual long lists of things they HAVE to get done and places they HAVE to be during the holidays. I live on an island, for crying out loud! Still, I felt like there was no down time, so when Christmas finally came–well, eve and day–I was kind of relieved when it was over. Granted, I had a great time and am grateful for all of it: we had some nice food, went to two sweet beaches, did a downtown event, ran into and/or hung out with some friends–but, I’m glad to be moving into a quieter week and a quiet New Year’s Eve.
I’ve taken a step back today, finally, realizing that it has been a LOT, our move, the holidays, the job; the unpacking and shipping and sorting and planning and pondering, ruminating on where to go and whether or not we should go there. Now we’ve here, and it feels so good to finally be quiet enough, in mind and body, settled enough, to dream, to pause, to put thought to word.
All that being said, the holidays didn’t pass without some sober angst. Sometimes, I do want to drink; I just want “my” down time, “my” escape. It does get to be a slog, having to constantly be sober. Of course, I am better at redirecting my thoughts and feelings, resetting, moving forward, but I do wish I could drink now and then (without the drama, the hangovers).
Anyway, when I was getting sober, the holidays were such a big deal: I wanted to impress everyone, I stressed out a lot about how I was going to “navigate” the socializing with people who were not sober in any way, shape, or form (there is no avoiding socializing with people who are drinking or doing drugs down here, unless you make a point of only hanging with your AA or sober friends). It was exciting, to move past and over those hurdles; now, it feels a little stale. Like, I know I can do it, but why choose to do it? Why not choose social interactions with people who are purposefully present?
Like, I know I can socialize with basically anyone, in any situation; and that is sweet relief. It’s because I’ve had to practice working with, through, and around the awkwardness. I think most of us have some form of anxiety around socializing and making small talk with strangers or people we don’t know that well; but, I don’t think most people have been forced to endure it and practice getting through it–instead, most people still use (drink or drugs) to escape the pain of having to be and feel awkward. It’s not easy, and I totally understand why you’d choose escape over the reality: sometimes, the entire conversation should just be trashed after it happens; but, you keep practicing having these conversations over and over again because you have no other choice as a sober person.
These days–and particularly on Thanksgiving and Christmas days–I noticed that EVERYONE around me was drunk or high. I was like, wtf? This is just irritating me! To me, as someone who totally knows why one would use booze or drugs while socializing, it’s just an escape. So, that begs the question, am I that boring that you need to escape by smoking weed? Are you that bored out of your skull in this social situation with me that you have to do ecstasy at the table? I mean, come ON. I am ALL for freedom of choice, but, really? It’s SO inconsiderate; not that they’re drinking but that they’re escaping, and from what? Me! The situation! And, they don’t even realize it, which is something that someone who is not sober would, of course, not realize. ARGH!
It’s not that big of a deal; here, there is always a deck to watch the boats from, or a beach to go swimming in when I feel the need to escape what feels almost burdensome, being the ONLY person sober in the group. It’s something I wrestle with: am I enabling them by not saying this to their faces? Should I just hang out with different people if it bothers me that much? For the most part, these peeps are friends and most don’t overdo it; but, it’s this thing and it bugs me–still, after all these years!
Anyway, we had a good holiday but I’m looking forward to some quieting-of-mind time the next few days, hiking the hills and smelling the grasses and tropical things, listening to the sounds of the night, and letting some of these thoughts go. I don’t know what this year will bring, but I know I have to start emptying my mind of the negativity that is circular and eats away at all things expansive; I know I want to–and I hate to say it but it’s true–divest myself of the negativity in my life. I HATE using that dreadful phrase–get rid of the toxicity (am I a toxic person? you bet I am, just like you, but that doesn’t mean I should be gotten rid of)–but I really do want to focus on the positivity, on getting my fire back, on myself, frankly. I know this year is going to bring some solid changes, and I think I’m finally ready for them. I think I’m finally ready for the fruition part to happen…
Drunky Drunk Girl 