9:23 pm
So, first up, THANK YOU, friends, for talking me down from the ledge. This afternoon, I got over myself and poured it out. The bottle of red that I hurriedly picked up on my way home from a frustrating AA meeting last night, that is.
I poured it down the kitchen sink, but I was going to do it over the toilet. However, I don’t hold grudges (Yellow Tail didn’t intentionally hurt me, so I have to show her (it’s a her) some respect.).
The funny thing is, I video recorded it on my phone! Haha. Me. I was going to post it here for all to see and laugh at, but I can’t seem to upload it via WordPress’s media library. Oh, well. In short, it was of me, tipping the bottle over the sink and saying, “Buh-bye.” Twice. “Buh-bye.” Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!
Whew. I’m over it. Like many people said in their comments to my post last night, getting drunk is simply not worth it. I’ve got 5 weeks as of today, and damn it, it just doesn’t help to drink. It doesn’t work. And, it’s not going to change anything — except to make it worse, because one glass leads to one bottle leads to two bottles leads to…you get the gist. Most importantly, in order to get past this obsession, I need to learn to sit with it. “It” being my bad feelings, my frustration, my cravings/desire to drink. My want. That is what I’m working on simply accepting. And, like I shared in a meeting tonight, paradoxically, when I accept my wanting to drink, it’s easier to deal with it.
Work the muscle. Practice makes perfect.
A strange concept hit me when I was pouring the wine down the drain, strange in that it was the first time I actually conceptualized the fact that wine is not what I want! It is a substance, like any other. And, that it is ONLY that, a substance — external and separate. As I watched my hand through the camera, I realized just how separate wine is from me. How impersonal. It holds my projections, but alone, it means nothing. It could have been red paint, or red gasoline, or red hydrochloric acid.
At that moment, having dramatically separated myself from the bottle, I realized that I didn’t want to DRINK the wine, I wanted to INGEST it. Like, I wanted to bring it toward my heart, cradle it on the inside. It’s interesting to me that our physical hunger and our emotions are tied up in the same neurons in our brain, the same place. Ancient structures control basic needs and essential feelings. So, does my heart hurt, or does my stomach feel empty? It’s quite hard to tell, and maybe it’s both. Do I drink wine, especially, because it fills my empty stomach or my aching heart — or, my aching stomach and my empty heart?
I have known this emotional hunger; Caroline Knapp wrote a must-read book that floored me when I first read it. Drinking: A Love Story hits the nail on the head — and is written with so much eloquence. Booze is a friend, a lover to some. The attachment to your substance of choice is not simply physical, it is emotional. I think what makes it even harder to detach — cut the cord, as one of my friends used to say — from booze is that you’re consuming it. You’re drinking wine and swallowing beer. You’re not inhaling it, or putting it into your veins.
So, anyway, I dumped the wine. A split second moment of sadness and then, relief. Moving on…
I had a great day today, which started at 7 with a swim at the beach! My boyfriend gave me flowers, and I got assigned a bunch of work, which is a direct result of me proactively seeking it out (from my current editors and “co-workers”). Which makes me realize, again, how I need to be more proactive in a LOT of areas in my life.
So, it’s obviously not all bad. I can breathe, and I have four limbs and a healthy fear of aliens. Duh, life is pretty amazing. Still, I can get caught up in my own head and lose perspective. I’ll leave you with one big reason I have to be grateful: my location. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, I deserve this…
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Wha hooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy to read this. And what a beautifully written post. I love the image and metaphor of you pouring it down the drain (I can see why the toilet would have been apt too, ha) and gaining new insight into its meaning to you but letting go.
I also loved Knapp’s book – so wonderfully written. So tragic to get to the end and then discover that the cigarettes felled her in the end.
I barely know you even virtually and I am proud of you. You deserve some sort of awesome treat to yourself for working your way through this one.
I am going to reread your post and think about the two bottles of wine I was sent today that are currently sitting on my counter (see post to come) and hopefully find the same strength. I’m not sure I will. I am wrestling mightily at just five days AF. But it was so great to see this and it shone a new light on the situation for me.
Well done you!
Hi! I thought I had responded to this, but…
I hope you’re staying strong. The best part about working the muscle of resisting the urge to drink is that it gets easier. It gets to feel better. It gets clearer.
I haven’t really thought twice about drinking since I poured the bottle out; I actually really want it this time, mainly because I’m just tired of having to start over!
Anyway, look forward to reading more of your blog!
Thanks for the Part II! Getting beyond that 5th week seems like a big hurdle for you, and now that you’ve made it, hopefully things will be a little easier.
(On a purely technical note: To upload a video on WordPress, you have to pay for an upgrade. A suitable work around is to upload to YouTube and then post the video from there. 🙂 )
OH! I will try that — thanks for the tip!
Yes, somewhere between 5 and oh, I guess 8 weeks are going to be difficult, but I know I can do it. I feel much more practiced at not drinking when I want to now. There’s also all the incentives, like being able to get up three days in a row at 7 am and swim — and it feels good, normal. Oh, how I remember the hangovers that had me in bed on both Sat. and Sun. until 3 pm…
Appreciate your support! Keep comin’ back, it works if ya work it! 😉
so glad this story has a happy-for-you ending. i’m not very good at pouring out wine. in the past, i would always drink leftovers – even bad ones – rather than ‘waste’ it. now i realize that my desire to ‘not waste’ was really just a desire to drink and drink some more… i usually get my husband to pour out any wine we have leftover from events. he’s heartless (i.e. he’s a normie). that you could do it and even say bye-bye is kinda cool. grown up. detached from the things that give you grief. you’re moving on. very cool to be sharing this with you 🙂 you rock.
It was sad, but I’ve done it many times, and the many times before were even sadder! The saddest was when my twin brother came to town last fall and had sort of a mini-intervention on me. Long story short, we ended up (well, he) pouring out a total of like, 6 bottles of wine!? I nearly died. I tried to rationalize out loud to him (how embarrassing now) why I shouldn’t pour the box of white out (those babies hold about 4 bottles alone!), but to no avail.
It was cathartic in how I tried to explain it in my post — there is nothing to the wine but what I project onto it. It’s hard to articulate, but it felt more like an object to me rather than a salve, a friend, something other than a bunch of calories and fermenting bacteria! 😉
So glad to be sharing this “journey” with you! I made corn muffins this morning, and thought of you! Well, out of the Jiffy box, but still, thought of you. HUGS.
i like the idea of seeing wine as a thing. it’s something we don’t ingest. it’s not magic, it’s not a friend, it’s just a thing. a thing not for us. I made cornbread to go with the chili on this week’s menu … so i’m chanelling you i guess!
I’m really glad for you, you “won” the game! The prize is your self respect and peace of mind. Congratulations, but maybe next time don’t even bother getting the wine in first place? Take care, Paul.
Exactly, Paul. Well said! Not get the wine…AND save myself some money! 😉
I remember the night my husband poured all the booze down the sink, every single stinking bottle… I sat on the kitchen floor and watched and just cried my eyes out like he was killing my best friend. I couldn’t tell you the day, I didn’t record it or anything. But I will never forget that feeling. It hurt like hell as it was happening, but afterward, I felt free… Mrs D just said in a post, that after dealing with feelings and getting through something, she felt “clean.”
I read your newest post about the water and AA and being part of a whole- I remembered this book I read early on and thought you may like it too:
“12 Steps on Buddha’s Path: Bill, Buddha, and We” by Laura S.
Yup. My feeling was more along the lines of “heartbroken” when my brother had the mini-intervention on me, and we poured out about 6 bottles of wine!? And, yup, I feel relief now, and hope. Like, I don’t have to worry about it because I made the decision to get rid of it/not drink it.
Your comment was really helpful that night. I’ve decided to work on just sitting with it, and breaking the reactionary cycle. When I “just sit with it,” like you said, eventually I have to deal. Once I deal, I can move on. So, yes, it is like cleansing, as Mrs. D put it. It’s scary, but it can and has to be done! So, thank you for that…
Thanks for the book rec! Will def have to check that out…
Beautifully written.
Thank you!