Life is meaningless! Nothing really matters! I don’t have to drink over it, though.

17 Nov

2:30 pm

First up, I’m happy to report an absolutely drama-free morning. A full morning — swam, meditated, made cornbread muffins, washed my bikinis, pet the dog. Believe me, pre-sobriety, I NEVER would have been able boast about doing any of this, certainly not on a Saturday morning!

I’ve been swimming for exercise, and it’s been helping my sciatica, which has been flaring the past few months. (I think hormonal fluctuations play a huge role, so I’ll have to figure out if there’s anything I can do about that.)

Anyway, the past three days I got up around 7 and was at the local beach and in the water by 8 — YES, PIGS DO FLY. It’s been great for my back and leg pain, great for my arms, great for my spirit, great for my sense of accomplishment and therefore, work, and great for my calm. Each time, I’ve swum for about an hour or more — or, have tried to (the crawl was never my forte, and the salt water is a bit rough).

A lot of peeps in AA talk about how they feel good here, in the water. Floating, or swimming, or just being in it. Or, they talk about how their sobriety is enhanced and/or supported by being outdoors. It doesn’t hurt that we’re in an amazing location — and for me, as I’ve blogged before, the heat and humidity activate my sensual body, which makes me feel much more excited about being alive.

I, too, feel good in the water. Better than good. I feel so small, yet so big, in the water. I feel a PART of the ocean, like I could wrap my arms around it. I feel like it wants me, too; or at least, doesn’t shy away. There is no big old brain — mine or someone else’s — making things weird and awkward. I can Just Relax.

In AA, they say that anything can be your higher power, and mine is shaping up to be the HUNCH (in my scientific and nature-loving mind) that the aliveness — everything alive — on this planet is physically, literally OF ME. We are one. We are wired together, from eons of evolving together, to act and live and “think,” as it were, together. As one. So, no wonder I feel more complete, more whole, more alive — and more at peace, at home — in nature. And, especially in the water! Our ancestors lived in the water; we share, literally, the DNA in their cells. Could it be that those cells, which make up our body and brains, which eventually allow us to think and reason and feel and understand through their cellular activity — those cells remember? That the expression of those snippets of DNA is literally the same, across species and across millions of years? I feel it; we all feel it. What that “it” is, I don’t know.

Last night, my boyfriend and I toured the Etelman Observatory, a previously privately-owned dome on the top of the island that was donated to UVI in the ’60s. Anyway, it was Friday night, and what better way to spend the evening than to hear a lecture and then look through a telescope (yes, through a real lens and not a computer attached to the scope — apparently, a big deal and a real treat for astronomers). We saw Jupiter and four of its moons! Very cool. Very cool also to listen to the professor’s talk about asteroids and comets and meteors, and then see pictures of Earth and our solar system bathed, literally, in debris. Like, we are surrounded by rocks and shit flying around us in space.

What struck me was how very, very, very small we are. And how very, very, very either unlikely or likely that this kind of life — bacteria, dinosaurs, humans, rabbits, whales, ferns, lilies, to name a few — could develop and evolve on a planet other than Earth. Either we ARE unique, which is statistically extremely unlikely, or the right conditions developed and persisted on this planet. Those same conditions could develop and persist and lead to an entirely different range of life forms on some other planet, somewhere, in the Universe. No biggie. I mean, the Universe could give less than a rat’s ass; it is absolutely indifferent. Does this comfort me, or confuse me? Both. BUT, I came away from that lecture and viewing feeling more OPEN to accepting life — and evolution — more at face value.

I think I have always held out hope that Earth is particular, and that we, as humans, have been positioned here for a reason. Ironically, all this talk of a directly-intervening god has helped me to understand “Him” better — that I don’t believe in this at all.

There is no God, per se. There is, however, an “order” to things, a way of life, literally, on this planet. Could it be that all life on our planet is, like I said, wired together? Like all the bacteria in a culture, or, all the fish in a school? Is this why we feel more connected to a larger sense of Being, of Self, I guess, when we’re in an ocean or near a forest, places teeming with life?

This is important to my drinking how? Well, for me, the seeking of a sense of purpose, a sense of self, a sense of fitting into this world, this solar system, this galaxy, this Universe — I need to know where I fit; and when I don’t, I feel lost and empty. Does it matter? Should it? I drink over this. I feel helpless and hopeless about it all sometimes. Why not drink? It takes these thoughts (and feelings) away and swaps in grandiose ideas, emotional waves of goodness, a complete lack of caring about the bigger picture. I need to know that it’s OK for it not to matter — in a good way. I mean, if you’re looking at Earth from another galaxy, does anything here really matter; and if it does, what does THAT matter anyway? πŸ˜‰

After my swim, I sat there and meditated. I enjoy meditating now; it brings me such relief to be ABLE to sit there and enjoy just sitting there. (Believe me, I’m not perfect, and most of the time, I do think. But, I call it meditating because it is an attempt to just sit there and absorb life without thinking about it.) It’s taken me close to a full year to be able to just Sit and Be. And, I consider that a large step in my recovery from addiction to outside substances for my “happiness.” If you think about how much we, as humans, value our thinking brains relative to how much damage they do to us, to how much thoughts simply get in our way? I would even posit that less thinking, less caring, less wondering is serving me better these days! I don’t have to DO anything — I can, and I want to, but I don’t have to care or feel guilty about not caring about the outcome. That is liberating to me, and it partially explains why I can sit — in relative peace and comfort — and watch the water for hours and NOT want to escape this “not doing anything.”

I am taking someone to a meeting tonight, so I guess I have to go. It’s a beginner’s meeting and I have no other plans, so, why the heck not? πŸ˜‰ (AA, I love you.)

9 Responses to “Life is meaningless! Nothing really matters! I don’t have to drink over it, though.”

  1. eelamni November 17, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    Hi DDG, do you know the ‘Galaxy Song’ by Monty Python? It ends with the lines:

    “So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure,
    How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
    And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space,
    ‘Cause there’s bugger all down here on Earth.”

    I read something about the idea that we are all connected in some way way back in the 80s I can’t remember if it was called ‘collective consciousness’ or the ‘collective brain’ or ‘collective memory’ but I remember looking into it as we’d just lost 3 friends in a car accident and were trying to make sense of our altered world.
    It’s very deep thinking for me to wrap my head around early on a Sunday morning….. and I’m not even hungover πŸ™‚

    Maybe you enjoy the ocean because it’s a reminder of being in the womb?
    Take care and have a good weekend.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 19, 2012 at 12:38 am #

      Thanks for your comment! Yes, I’ve definitely given some thought to that — maybe we all like the ocean because it reminds us of the womb. AND, it IS hard to wrap your head around all this, but for some reason, the bigger and bigger picture I get (and accept), the easier it is for me to not drink. I don’t know why; before it used to simply freak me out…

      I have not heard of the Monty Python song, but that’s awesome! I’ll have to sing that to myself, maybe when I’m floating in the ocean, staring up at endless sky and space and universe… πŸ˜‰

  2. Lisa Neumann November 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm #

    Who is this girl and what did you do with the real DDG???
    Now you’re singing my tunes.
    You are changing before our eyes.
    (ps. not that you read my book, but if you did you’d like it … lots of science and natural order for us recovery people)

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 19, 2012 at 12:44 am #

      Hahaha. I know, right? Who would have thought that my cynicism was a result of my drinking (my mom has commented on the fact that I seem a lot less cynical lately)?!

      I’d love to check out your book…

      • Lisa Neumann November 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

        If you want I can send a copy from here. But don’t know the cost to ship. Let me know if you are interested. πŸ™‚

  3. sswl November 18, 2012 at 10:06 pm #

    Great post, DDG! I love being reminded of the connections, the interconnectedness of it all. Such serendipity, the salt water swimming and the visit to the observatory, contemplating the universe from two powerful perspectives. To feel like a small part of something bigger without feeling insignificant–wonderful.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 19, 2012 at 12:49 am #

      It IS wonderful! All this used to make me feel crazy, anxious, upset to the point of barely being able to stay inside my skin. Now? Well, at the very least, I can stand to think about it! THAT’s awesome. I feel much more able, like I wrote, to just accept things at face value, which to me also means accepting my limitations — huge, huge, huge limitations — in perceiving and understanding life, reality, the Universe. I hope this wave lasts for a while…:)

  4. Belle (Tired2012) November 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm #

    really. you’re meditating successfully! that’s something i’ve not been able to figure out. yet. on the other hand, i do accept my place in the universe as tiny. and so if it’s tiny, then my only job must be to enjoy every second of my life while it speeds past. blip, it’s done. So what can i learn in this time? who can i talk to, connect with, help, hug. what can i write, create, bake, design? who can i love, what can i see, what can I do in this time that i have. if it’s all a bit meaningless, then my goal on my journey must be to enjoy it as much as i possibly can. ignore the things that irritate me and suck up all the great stuff. And removing the angst of drinking is a simple thing i could do to ensure that i enjoy my life even more than i did before. Next up? the sky’s the limit (oh the punny-ness of it all).

  5. Al K Hall November 20, 2012 at 11:47 am #

    What a beautiful post. It’s so nice to see the struggles you have are paying off and bringing you moments and times like these. Reminds me of a meeting where someone who’d had a couple of relapses but has now been sober for more than 10 years said his only wish was that someone had told him at the outset that it gets better. It constantly gets better and doesn’t stop.

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