8:48 pm
Those were the two thoughts, in that order, that helped me STEP AWAY from the bottles of wine lining the shelves in the “wine aisle” last night, as I gazed at them, pretty much ready to buy.
Fuck you (sort of), to my brother and his girlfriend–who continue to disparage my sobriety. I’ll show you!
I’d rather have ice cream, chocolate chip to be precise. And, honestly, I did. Whenever I think about buying a bottle of wine these days (it’s happened a handful of times; I probably should simply take the option 100 percent off the table, otherwise it’s just going to start fucking with my head), I find that I am somewhat overwhelmed. WHICH one? God, there are so many. White, or red? Cork, or screw top? And, then, this almost-feeling of “wine tired.” You know, that feeling of drinking being more utterly exhausting than fun. Like, I actually almost start to dread it–I feel anxious in my belly–the second I start to truly imagine me drinking a glass, then another, then a third: flushed face (my face turned red a lot when I drank red wine, maybe I was literally allergic?), sour stomach, dizziness, shortness of breath, and a general sense of confusion. Exhausting keeping my thoughts straight, keeping my piss in, keeping my fake interest in the people around me. Exhausting! Hence, I’d just rather have ice cream. Ice cream is better.
I know the first thing is not good, because it just shows how hard it is for me to LET IT FUCKING GO, this resentment. Deep breath, I keep telling myself, imagine them in a good light. Yet, when I know that they are not only still hating on me, but ACTIVELY doing so (I have since blocked BOTH of them on Facebook and email–sad), it makes it hard for me not to go to my unhappy place when I think of them in their unhappy place.
In any case, that was that. And it helped me. I didn’t buy a bottle, and I’m still on track. I know I won’t drink until my 40th, which is in June. And, then…well, I guess I’ve sort of made 500 days my new goal, which happens to fall conveniently (easy to remember) on July 31.
I had a great day. LOTS of physical activity. It’s carnival season down here, and I went to the parade with a friend. The first time I went to the parade (two years ago), I drank three beers really fast and got “beer drunk grumpy.” It was no fun. This year? God, SO happy to be bright-eyed; SO happy to wear my new sundress and be comfortable in my skin; SO happy to feel calm and not dizzy and not tired on the inside and not confused. So happy, period. I know I said that I’m sort of getting sick of relating everything to being sober, but it’s hard not to compare and contrast how I was then, and how I am now. And that, it really is because I am not drinking anymore. Period.
(PS: Last night, I had a dream that I was looking for a bottle of wine. I felt frantic–where the fuck is the wine around here?–and ended up in big store, like Kmart or something. The lights were half off, they were getting ready to close. There was literally NO wine on the shelves, maybe three bottles or so. I felt embarrassed, like, I can’t buy the LAST bottle, that would look desperate! But, I felt desperate. So, I was debating it, and the lights were going out, and then…my DOG shows up, sniffing around my feet, patrolling me. Don’t do it, the universe was saying. Wait, since my dog is here, was my boyfriend in the parking lot? Was he, too, looking for me, trying to prevent me from buying a bottle? Don’t do it. I woke up and was like, Jeez, Universe! OK, I got the memo.)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
So you’re planning to start drinking again after 500 days?
Hi Drunky Drunk Girl,
Two things. The last part about the dream…I’ve TOTALLY had those! There will be times when I wake up and I can so clearly remember having a beer and then feeling super disappointed it’s crazy. I’m always relieved that it was only a dream.
The other is I didn’t know there was such a thing as people blogging about their journey with sobriety. I found yours the other night and it was so encouraging. I was traveling for work for the first time sober and reading your archives gave me a lot of strength so thank you. And on that note I figured I would start a blog myself and jump into this wonderful community. Its at day87blog.wordpress.com (apparantly day87.wordpress was taken for some reason).
Oh and lastly your brothers girlfriend…she sounds like a bitch.
Before I even read your post, your title had me laughing. Whether it was intentionally funny or not, it didn’t matter…I think it had more to do with the fact that I have SO been there. With both the wine AND the family. I too had to block family from FB and email. It’s sickening, isn’t it? I think what you’re feeling is totally normal and anger is a good thing, because it shows you’re going through the grieving process, no longer stuck in denial. It’s OK if you can’t let go yet. You’ll get there. It’s your family. It’s not easy to let this shit go, for so many reasons. Ugh, it sucks doesn’t it? And the wine dream? With your DOG?!? Yeah, the Universe is bringing in the big guns with that one, probably because you keep standing in the wine aisle. Knock that shit off! That is *so* 2009.
On a brighter note, I loved loved loved your description of the parade, with your sun dress and bright eyes. I could almost feel the joy coming off my screen 🙂 It sounds like you have some great things going on in your life and that is just super rad. HUGS!
please..don’t use bad language in your story..if you are! an alcoholic then we are playing with a life here..yours and my life .. save the swearing for the bars and the dives ..Wash your mouth out with soap …you have to do better than this..
I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say if you don’t like it, don’t read it! Everyone expresses themselves differently. Discouraging someone because they do so in a way that makes you uncomfortable ain’t cool brah! Do better for yourself. Judge not.
an animated drunk..Not to be confused with an alcoholic..different worlds…
Thanks, Rebecca! I think the larger purpose of this post–as of all my posts, actually–is to address the *imperative,* which is, never censoring how one is feeling *in order to address it.* You know, censoring my resentment would be to deny it; censoring a childish (my words, I do realize this, and that is why I found it funny, in an ironic way) “Fuck you” would be to deny my immature, knee-jerk reaction, which would be to deny myself the chance to learn and grow past it.
Anyway, posts are snippets of a life, remember. And, if someone wants or needs to pass judgment with a simplistic “you are this” or “you are that,” then I suggest they do a little deeper digging into their own recovery.
Lighten up anthony. Being sober is free to be whatever you want to be. If she wants to say Fuck, then she can. It gets the point across.
Alcoholic.. And look at me.. I have been drinking are two different worlds
.
I have taken a liking to coffee n donuts ice cream. It curbs the urge. I’m going on 8 years and still have dreams like that. The mind plays tricks….don’t fall for them. Tricks are for kids. 😁
Ah, PROGRESS! I love the “blocking” part. I think it will help you move on. You’re just
simply too good for the drama, negativity, and them hating on you. It’s not always easy to decide who gets to be in your life and who doesn’t. You’ve obviously been pushed to the point where you KNOW. And knowing is good!
This post so hits home for me. The craving it but simultaneously feeling sort of disgusted and exhausted by the very thought of drinking – this has come more recently for me and I think it’s a good sign of progress that my brain is starting to acknowledge the reality of drinking more. Also, the being tired of relating everything to being sober or not and yet at the same time realising what a huge impact it has. I was also doing the ‘thinking back to a year ago’ thing this morning – as it was a year ago today I quit for my longest stretch, so would have been a year if I hadn’t started again over the hols – and I realised it feels like such a long time because I really have changed a lot since I was in that place. When you look back at your drinking days doesn’t it almost seem like a different person?
Also, on your latest post, I totally get being tired of the navel gazing and thinking about it and all of that – I feel a bit the same at times and I’ve been slack about blogging lately partly as a result BUT I just want to say very gently that just note that you are in one post contemplating drinking and then in the next talking about stepping away from blogging about sobriety. I know you’ve said you know you won’t drink til past your 40th and I understand all your reasons and I know you’ve been at this ages and know yourself, and your sobriety well etc etc, so I’m not saying this is meaningful that you’re “building up to a relapse” but, on the other hand, it could be, as those are classic signs, so just … I don’t know… proceed with caution? Especially with the wedding upcoming it could be an emotionally fraught time for you so wrap yourself, and your sobriety, in cotton wool and don’t step too far away from your support network.
So loving your posts as always,
Lilly xo
Great post. The dream I so relate to – I had a recurring one of being in some awful 1960s UK inner city all concrete walkways and subways etc. Every bar I went to had no windows and the doors were locked or I was refused entry by some burly big bouncer. I had that one on a repeat loop for some time in my early sobriety.