The angry insomniac

20 Jan

9:33 pm

Perimenopause is ruining my life.

I actually Googled that the other night–as I was sitting up once again until 5 am, getting more and more, uh, agitated might be the best way of describing it.  Agitated, angry, raging, whatever.

Come to think of it, I don’t know if I’ve EVER felt as angry as I did last night–like, an out of control, desperate anger that not only lingered into the next morning and afternoon, but persisted and felt just as strong upon waking as it did at 5 am!?  I am trying to move on from it, and not hold onto it, but…guys, this feels a little bit WAY too much like a hangover, and I do not like it!

I’ve mentioned that I started experiencing symptoms of perimenopause all the way back in 2013 (when I was 39), but they never really affected my life until the fall of 2015.  It took me until the fall of 2016 to start taking the birth control pill (to even things out–it was amazing and I had no side effects), and not until well, this past year, to really start having “night heat” and insomnia.  Now–and this is what is so damn maddening, especially for someone like myself, an alcoholic control freak–I have no clue if it’s the pill that’s giving me night heat and insomnia, or if it’s the peri.  One thing I do know is that the pill I have just gotten back on in the past few weeks seems to be exacerbating my mental health issues–crying jags, dark thoughts, anger anger anger.  I know I should get off it, but…maybe one more night (I am afraid of that intense body heat at this point, even more than I am of the sleeplessness)…?

So, last night, right on time, my body started to heat up at about 10 pm–it has been doing this for a while, maybe a year on and off; and I’ve fixed it by both going ON and OFF the pill (go figure).  I recently had about two months of continuous heat–it’s like having a fever and the chills, at the same time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week; I don’t have hot flashes yet, so these are more like heat flushes that just don’t stop and that seem to come only at night, except for this two-month period where it just didn’t go away.  For some relief, I decided to get on the pill again, and while it has helped some, I have nights where it seems like the pill causes me to both burn up and wake up.  Last night, I was up till 5, and in between all the huffing and puffing, I just got SO ANGRY.  Angrier than I can even define, or have ever felt.

Mind you, I think I HAVE been this desperately, painfully, crazily angry before, but I was blacked on on wine and never actually had to deal with it.  Last night, I just could NOT calm down; I was almost heaving, I felt so angry.  I paced around, cried, heaved silently so my boo couldn’t hear me (he was sleeping); I slammed my fists into my quads, but not hard enough like I did last time to leave marks.  It’s like, I wanted to break things.  I finally fell asleep for a few hours at about 5, and woke to a relatively cooler body.

Though, like when you wake up after a bender, I was still feeling angry.  I went to the gym and pounded out a few miles on the treadmill, which helped but not completely.  By the time we went to see a movie, I felt anxious, and struggled to not have a panic attack throughout the entire length of the film.

Man, it just feels SO much like a hangover–the lack of sleep, the anxiety from the lack of sleep, the fuzzy brain…

I am feeling better now, but, I don’t think, outside from being drunk, I have ever felt more out of control as I did last night and this morning.  Maybe it’s just the lack of sleep, and my reaction to it is anger.  If only it were that simple…

I just want myself back!  I haven’t felt like myself in quite a while, I have to admit.  I am trying to not think about it and hope it just gets better, but I don’t think I can stay on this pill and also have it get better.  I thought I could deal with a few side effects for the relief of not burning up all night, but maybe it’s better to burn up all night?  I am trying to have patience here, but why does it feel like perimenopause is ruining my life (and I don’t even have true hot flashes yet)?  I am going to see my doctor next week, but until then, I guess I’ll really have to work on cultivating a positive space in my mind, reserved for my old self, whenever she happens to come home.  🙂

13 Responses to “The angry insomniac”

  1. yvonne dirig January 21, 2019 at 6:45 pm #

    You will unfortunately not be “yourself” again. I’m 49 and was declared in menopause and got flashes come and go several times through out the night, not usually during the day though. I wake up soaked, then start freezing, then fall back to sleep only to wake back up with the internal inferno. Emotional outbursts have improved somewhat and there are actually nights when I have no issues. Symptoms started about 5 years ago. We, like millions of women, will survive.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 21, 2019 at 8:38 pm #

      Yes, we will! I wish I knew if what I am feeling is “hot flashes” or if it’s just like, the leadup to them? I know that there are a lot of supplements out there and I am grateful for all the choices we do have. Yeah, we will survive–no one is gonna die here… If I can make it through a drinking problem and recovery, I can most def live through this! 🙂

  2. greg w January 21, 2019 at 7:49 pm #

    My heart is with you, dear one. Consider yourself hugged. Other than that, not gonna say a word.

    You’re welcome.

  3. soberinny January 21, 2019 at 9:53 pm #

    i can relate! Thankfully i started taking a natural remedy called Relizen. It’s Swedish pollen extract and was recommended by my GYN. I was skeptical at first, but now am i believer in it! No more hot flashes!!!!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 27, 2019 at 11:28 pm #

      Interesting…will definitely pass that by my doctor! Thanks for the tip. HUGS!

  4. limetwiste January 22, 2019 at 7:47 am #

    Fluoxetine side effect gets rid of hot flashes for some. I am one of the lucky ones. No more hot flashes or night sweats. Peri-menopause sucks.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 27, 2019 at 11:30 pm #

      No more because you are taking or took Fluoxetine? I am not sure I’d want to take an SSRI for this–something to think about, though! Thanks for your comment… HUGS!

      • limetwiste January 28, 2019 at 11:37 pm #

        LOW dose SSRI works for me to stop hot flushes and night sweats. Today we are having a heat wave. And I am absolutely fine.
        Good luck finding a solution for yourself.

  5. Lisa January 27, 2019 at 10:25 pm #

    I was told by my gyn that the worst only lasts about 6 months, and that was true. Doesn’t mean that it’s over, but the symptoms were much more tolerable after that time period. Hope that you feel better soon.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 27, 2019 at 11:33 pm #

      I know it won’t last forever, but I’ve been having this crazy body heat for at least a year, if not more. I am seeing my doctor soon, so hopefully will have some feedback on what to do next soon. Thanks for the encouragement–HUGS.

  6. Sarah March 23, 2019 at 7:49 am #

    I am a 46 year old recovering alcoholic who started, what I believe, was peri-menopausal symptoms around 39 or 40 – during the first year of my sobriety. Almost 7 years later, I haven’t had a menstrual cycle in over a year but I still get the occasional hot flash, random pimples (hello, I’m not a teenager anymore, c’mon now!), and irritability. I used to wake drenched in sweat FREEZING because I didn’t wake from this lovely gift of womanhood until much later. So, yeah, it all sucked big time, but now it’s better. No woman on either side of my family had early menopause. I truly believe I started menopause earlier than I should have had such a long love affair with alcohol. 25 years it lasted until it started to kill me and then, thank God I found AA. Do you think drinking sped up when you started menopause?

    • Drunky Drunk Girl April 7, 2019 at 1:12 pm #

      I don’t think I have started menopause, but I am definitely perimenopausal–I don’t know if it’s early or late, and I don’t know if drinking has had or will have an effect on it, years after getting sober. I am glad you’re through the worst of it and can now move on–and, sober, too! Hurray! HUGS.

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