9:29 am
I started this blog back in 2012–at that time, the whole “sober blogging” thing was relatively new, new enough that people seemed to not only truly love it when they stumbled upon a sober blog, but were truly invested in getting their help through the blogosphere. Instead of let’s say, talking to people who are also alcoholics or drink too much (folks at AA meetings, for example), or scheduling some time with a counselor. People were (are?) coming to the blogosphere to get help in a more immediate, anonymous way.
I don’t know if that’s really happening as much anymore, or, if folks are just not as into it as they used to be; maybe it’s because I’m not writing as much; maybe what I write about–or how I write it–doesn’t appeal to people anymore. Maybe “kids these days” aren’t that interested in my bouts of perimenopausal symptoms (haha–of COURSE, they’re not!); maybe no one is as interested in long-term sobriety as the drama of those first few days, months, years of getting sober–your perspective changes, and you can lose touch with the struggle of those early days, that is for certain. However, to me, what happens during your long-term sobriety is the most interesting part of getting and staying sober–and, unfortunately (predictably, though), there seems to be a LOT less out there, resource-wise, than there is about than the initial stages of recovery.
I get it, things trend away from what they used to be. For example, last summer, I was thinking about going back to this place (another island in the sun where there is a lot of international development work going on) that I went to in the summer of 2014, and I was planning on working at this hostel-turned-community center where I had stayed four years ago. When I checked in with a friend who has been there constantly since 2014, she was like, Oh, that has passed; there isn’t much need or use for that type of space anymore. (Well, I actually disagree, but I understood what she meant: “things” had trended away from this type of space, and the only surprising thing was that I hadn’t kept up with the changes because I wasn’t there during the intervening four years.)
Can things just become…outmoded, dictated by the changing times and the wants and needs of a new, younger generation with different ways of being and socializing? Um, yes.
Seven years is a LONG time, I have to keep reminding myself. It doesn’t feel like it to me, but it is. I mean, a lot has changed for me, personally, for myself and my partner and my family and the world! It just…doesn’t feel like it, and sometimes, I return to this blog and think of it as an island itself, surrounded by the flux of water and time but by itself, isolated from the outside world of changing times. It, too, though, has changed; and even though it was and is my rock and center, it has changed.
This morning, I am thinking about all that has changed, and feeling grateful for what we’ve made it through (sobriety, hurricanes, a new job that is kicking my ass!), as well as both irritated that I can’t move on and desperate to hold onto what I thought I had. SO much has changed in our lives, for my partner and myself.
What is the same is that I am still sober–thank Goddess! What is different is that I no longer have many cravings, and few things truly trigger me–again, thank Goddess, and something that I try to be continually grateful for, even though as you enter the long-term, you tend to forget about those dreadful early years. I sometimes think about drinking again, like getting into the habit of it again (maybe a glass at night to go with my cooling showers?), but after the fleeting thought, I don’t have much time to drag out the fantasy. There is work and plans and family responsibilities and FUN to be had; drinking takes a far backseat to all the important stuff to think about, to do.
What also hasn’t changed is my relationship to my brother, who wrote me off years ago after one drunken night at his place, screaming at his girlfriend. After much back and forth, he finally decided that he would officially NOT forgive me, and I had to accept that (which I did; we haven’t spoken in almost two years) and move on. I don’t plan on reconciling with him, and it is a sore point; I feel angry and bitter every time I think about it, but I quickly let it go so those feelings don’t fester. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can–or frankly, want/have the energy–to do about it. That hasn’t changed.
What has changed is my confidence in my feelings of expression–dare I talk about what’s really going on in my head? I have become a bit tentative. Long-term sobriety is strange in that, after you get sober, you still have a bunch of garbage to deal with…and lot of it isn’t interesting to a lot of people–because it tends toward specific, and personal. Lately, I have been talking about perimenopause on this blog–to me, that IS related to my sobriety. I don’t know if they know if there is any connection between going into perimenopause early because you were an alcoholic (or binge drank), but I do believe–and, I think studies have shown this–that my drinking made me less fertile (that could be a whole “correlation does not equal causation” thing, though).
Point is, what has changed for me is that I don’t feel like sharing certain nitty-gritty deets as much as I used to do. I don’t know what the kids are doing these days, but I do sense that talking about, um, menopause is still taboo. (Haha. Of COURSE, it is.)
In any case, some things have changed, others haven’t. And, while some days I might not “feel” like being revealing, especially about particular subjects, I know that I must, and I will. I can’t and won’t stop doing so–and I will probably hold onto this blog and not let it go and not move on, for reasons that lift me up and make me feel better about myself and my sobriety and my path. Of course, I can (and probably will) transition to writing about things that are not, on the face of it, drinking- or sobriety-related; but, honestly, to me, EVERYTHING seems to somehow come back to this “drinking thing,” this “sobriety thing.”
Stay tuned…
Drunky Drunk Girl 
I used to read your blog more in the early days- but not because it was “more interesting”. Rather, it seems as if you have begun to equate anyone that drinks with your own destructive alcoholism. Many times you have written as if anyone that drinks also suffers the same as you have. Many never blackout, have memory loss, or lose relationships despite the fact that they drink.
I guess I’m saying that it seems you have developed the typical “high and mighty” mindset of many ex drinkers.
And nothing about that is interesting.
Are you a nondrinker, T jo? (Notice I didn’t say “in recovery.” Lot’s of people don’t like that term.) Just trying to put your opinion in context.
I don’t hear that at all…
Me neither…
Your reflections on perimenopause are interesting to me because, looking back, I really ramped up my drinking during perimenopause and finally got sober postmenopause. As someone with five years of sobriety, I appreciate your posts because you give me insight into how another long-term sober woman navigates the ups and downs of daily life. It’s not like anyone talks about this stuff at a dinner party, and it helps me to know that other people are thinking about and dealing with similar issues. Thanks DDG!
Happy to hear you got sober and made it through perimenopause–haha! Thank YOU for your insightful comment…
I’m kind of where you are with the blogging thing, though it’s only been three years for me. I totally understand what you’re saying, though. But I think about the first blog I read, “Mrs. D Goes Without,” and it totally opened up a new way of recovery for me, even though she’d written it years before. It was all new to me, and it gave me the idea of trying the same thing. I don’t know that I would have gotten sober without finding her blog. I think your blog is new to people reaching out, in the same way a book is new to every reader.
And I love the idea of the island. I feel the same way, even though I don’t visit that often anymore. And like you, I’m not always sure that my life now is relevant to someone trying to stop drinking. Not sure what to do about it, but I’m glad to find that other people are in the same boat.
I always appreciate your insight–and only three years!? Seems like I have been reading your blog a lot longer than that. Your last comment has stayed with me, and gives me strange comfort: “Not sure what to do about it, but…”. Sometimes, the evolution and phases just ARE what they are, and there isn’t anything to do about how things transpire or unfold. HUGS.
I’m in a strange floating place as well, so your answer gives me comfort. As you said, even though I feel stagnant, things are “transpiring and unfolding” without my help. It’s like I have a hidden staff of souls working in the background. Perfect! 💕
What I have noticed since starting my own and reading other sober blogs, is how shockingly few are written by men. Even most of the books I’ve read are by women. Is it that women are more honest and more free with their emotions. Better at expressing themselves. I must admit, I’ve learned much more from women about recovery than I have from men – in real life and online. They seem much more knowledgeable and empathic on the subject. Also more brutal with the honesty too when it’s needed. But I don’t know why so few guys are blogging. Or am I missing something? I’m very new to all this.
Love your posts, they help keep me going. Seven years on here and sober is a stunning feat! Congratulations and thanks. Please keep doing what you’re doing x
Yup, most written by women–one HUGE reason I stopped going to AA was that the men seemed to control the room and the way that women in the room expressed their experiences. I love that this community welcomes ALL, though–there are men, and they, alongside all the women bloggers, have helped me come out of my shell. I am so glad you get something out of my blog–HUGS your way!
Hi- I’m fifteen months sober and also dealing with peri menopause, so your blog is totally relevant for me! Hope you keep writing.
Jen
That is awesome–super-glad to hear that you appreciate and can relate. I wish there were more detailed experiences out there; it seems like every woman on the planet has a different experience of perimenopause. I will def keep writing. 🙂
I thought I was in early menopause at the end of my drinking days…in my early 40s. I had no period for over 3 years.
I went to an Ayurvedic dr and it she scoffed. Adrenal fatigue (years of booze, severe low carb, obsessive exercise and starving).
She got me back on track and at 47 things are very normal.
I have been blogging for 5 years. I feel it’s a way to keep in touch with a wonderful group. And the newcomers always surprise me.
I’ve written about many things. They have all be possible/manageable because I am sober.
Anne
Thanks for your support! Huh, that’s really interesting about how drinking affected your health–and, I’m so glad you found the answer! I am feeling better these days, and I think it could be a combination of a lot of things, one important one being stress. Anyway, I totally agree that this blog is a wonderful way to connect and share about many different things…
I’m still here and reading along – I lurk! Yes the world changes and moves on but as long as you feel like sharing, do it! Please do share your symptoms, I’m pretty sure this “kid” is starting down that track, any experiences on perimenopause gratefully accepted at this end.
Wonderful and so happy you’re here! And, omg, YES to posting about perimenopause–thank you for your encouragement. I almost want to start a new blog devoted to that, since I just can’t find much out there–NO ONE seems to want to talk about it, not even my gynecologist!? Ridiculously maddening… HUGS to you.
I originally came to blogging back in about 2006. I thought I’d write some witty stories and my undiscovered talent would propel me to be some new internet celebrity. Hmmm… that never happened. Then my Mum got really sick that year and died. Suddenly my blog became a sober blog without meaning to. I then stupidly deleted that blog and then started another about 2008 and then moved to wordpress when that seemed the more popular – the blogger one still goes, same name as my wordpress one but that is the “guitar and music” one and the wordpress one is the sobriety and life one. I don’t blog so much these days as I often think I’m repeating myself, most sober bloggers are relative newcomers – I’m 15 years sober next month so often think I’ve nothing new to offer newcomers really. Plus the bad old days are becoming more and more sepia tinged from a black and white status anyway. It is a long time ago – do I really remember it accurately now? No is the honest truth.
I have been following your current blog since 2012, but never knew your blog back story, so thanks for sharing. I know, the bad old days fade, and it’s hard to go back to them when you have reached a new place–after much hard work, you don’t want to relish the bad, but relish in the good new days. I appreciate all your posts, so please keep blogging. 🙂
I’ve been blogging for nearly four years. Not so often now, and I do lurk around and not comment as much as I should. Sure, the emphasis changes, but your last point rings true – everything DOES come back to sobriety – and when I was a newcomer, i needed that message – only sobriety can deliver. The first comment made me laugh, someone said something similar to me about being an ex-drinker – if only they knew how tiny and broken I felt, and how unbelievably humble I feel now to get a second chance. Keep blogging. xx
Yes, to everything you wrote! Thank you for reading and commenting… I am humbled, and often still feel tiny and broken! But, at least I can giggle about it now… Hugs.
Hey
I’ve been reading since the beginning I think and oh my how your stories and ups and downs always resonated so much with me.
Your honesty and writing style are both entertaining and educational and always have been
I think the main subject being sobriety and all the life stuff around that are going to always find an audience in this space
This platform was a life saver when I arrived 6 years ago!!! I’m never far from it, it’s my comfort blanket there when I need it.
I agree the content doesn’t really age and in the early days you need massive quantities of evidence that there is a way out.
Keep writing and stick around!
And menopause, yeah that’s another subject that needs de stigmatising, no better woman!!
C x
Thanks, Carrie! Yes, just thinking back on it all–for me, it’s coming up on seven years–it makes me feel both grateful and nostalgic. I am so glad you’re still here, and that you and so many others were there for me along the way. Here’s to many more blog posts! 🙂
Hi I’m new to your blog but I relate SO MUCH to what you said here: “Instead of let’s say, talking to people who are also alcoholics or drink too much (folks at AA meetings, for example), or scheduling some time with a counselor. People were (are?) coming to the blogosphere to get help in a more immediate, anonymous way.” That was it for me… the blogosphere is anonymous and thus, in many ways feels more honest and more safe.
“Maybe “kids these days” aren’t that interested in my bouts of perimenopausal symptoms (haha–of COURSE, they’re not!);” I’m not so sure about this. I think it’s more like previous unwilling to talk about it, similar to western society’s general unwillingness to talk about dependence on alcohol for life enjoyment. When it comes to menopause, I think many women (myself included) make assumptions that no one wants to hear about it, yet, perhaps they do.
I was very lucky to have a wonderful menopause. It was considered “early,” at age 42; doctors and friends did not believe me when I said I was in menopause, they thought my period had stopped because there was something wrong with me, like thyroid or something. But basically I think my “early” menopause was right on schedule with nature. I’d had my fourth kid (and I’d planned on having four), all of them had breastfed “on cue” (otherwise known as “on demand,” which gave a kind of natural birth control between pregnancies) so I hadn’t taken any birth control or other hormone drugs for the past 10 years. I think my body just knew I was done.
I do think sobriety is linked to menopause for many women but mainly because our bodies process alcohol differently during this time of our lives. That’s my unscientifically-proven theory at least, i.e. how it was for me. ;))
Love what you’ve written here, hope you keep on writing and posting. <33 :))
Thank you for your thoughtful and inspiring comment. I have been making assumptions about things lately, and maybe I should just let my readers decide. 🙂 The more I read about menopause, the more I’m sure that most women probably start during their 40s and end in their 50s (it doesn’t happen in one or two years!?).
Thanks for your reply! 🙂 That makes sense about the long process. I felt so good at the beginning of it, so awakened and so healthy and so vital, now perhaps I’m in the middle or the end of it (though my period stopped neat several years ago, I feel really tired a lot and just a lot less vital. Plus there’s this whole alcohol-free project I’ve set sail on, which is a challenge. Thanks again for your reply ❤
Wonderful blog! I just came across it now as I am relatively new at blogging compared to you all; thanks for the inspiration. 🙂 Not only am I newly sober, but I am also finally starting menopause in my mid-fifties. Yes, you read that right. My periods came like clockwork until late last year. I’ve been sober for four months and let’s just say that the double hit of abstaining while managing hot flashes, etc. is QUITE THE TRIP. Would love to read more on the two topics combined. Looking forward to future posts! Thank you!