3:33 pm
So, as you know, we are about to embark on a new year, a new decade, a…blah blah blah. For some reason, I just can’t this year. I can’t try that hard to have a “memorable” New Year’s Eve this year. Granted, just being sober will make it 100 percent more memorable than a lot of my past New Year’s Eves. Kidding aside, I’m just kind of burnt this year, and tired of trying to coordinate and make it happen–in spite of my own resistance, fatigue, and other people’s inability to commit. Frankly, I kind of want to spend it alone, with my dog, watching TV (my boo has to work). I have never wanted to watch television on NYE, but this year, it sounds perfectly acceptable!
What I want for myself for this new year is to stop taking people–their actions, my thoughts about their actions–personally. I think that will go a LONG way toward being grateful and staying present. Lately, I’ve found myself spiraling down my mental rabbit hole by forgetting to be grateful for the BAZILLION things that are important–my sobriety and all the past and present struggles that have come with it; our moves and moving around, which have taught us some serious lessons about who we are and what we want; my relationship; the handful of meaningful friendships that I do have in my life; my sweet dog, who is ailing and probably won’t see another holiday season, but for which I have to be grateful, and for whom I have to stay present.
Today, my big outing was taking my girl down to our local “dog beach,” which isn’t an actual public beach so it makes for a quiet setting. There is an inlet protected from the swell where she can go swimming. It was sad watching her, and I cried. I mean, I cry a little inside every time I have to carry her up the stairs, help her get up, pick up her poop on the carpet inside because she can’t control her muscles back there that well; but I don’t “cry” cry. This felt good, and I needed it; I need to start letting go.
I am not sure what is worse: having a dog that gets cancer and goes fast, or a dog who has this horrible, progressive arthritis that gradually transforms her into one that barely resembles the pup you once knew. I know, I know, she’s a dog; but, it’d be the same emotional rollercoaster with a person (it IS the same, watching my mom), only the progression would take 20 years, not two.
I was angry for a bit, like, I am never getting another dog, why bother, I don’t/can’t go through this again. But, it got me thinking, well, that is so depressing and cynical–if I lost my partner, would I choose to spend the rest of my life alone, choose to be angry and antisocial because…life? This is life, the coming and going. This is life, and it hurts, and it sucks, but…the anger and frustration is life, too. And it all passes, sooner rather than later. What can you do but choose to accept, embrace, process? What can you do but decide that you will NOT fall into the self-defeating trap of black-and-white thinking?
This year, I want to start getting past my anger and frustration regarding this general aging shit–myself, my dog, my mom and my dad, both of whom are struggling immensely with physical and mental decline. To not let perimenopausal night heat and insomnia (though, lack of sleep is its own mental health disorder) overturn my world; to not let my mom or dad’s decline influence my emotional state so much; to just love my dog and try to let it be, accept it for what it is, let it go, let HER go… I can’t live in this state of resistance all the time, but, I also don’t want to lay down and let the world run me over, like a huge ocean wave; that might lead to me giving up. I don’t ever want to give up; I don’t ever want to stop listening to the radio (Walking Dead reference, folks…!).
Sometimes, I want to drink; most times, I think, why bother? I know it won’t change anything–it’s not going to stop time, and it’s not going to change how I deal with the passing of time and aging. So, I won’t, and I’ll keep plugging: be grateful, stay present. Cry. Whisper-scream (oh, all right, just scream, but no banging on the thighs in the middle of the night as you whisper-scream).
How hard can it be? Hahaha…
Inhale, exhale, and remember: drinking only makes it better for a split second, and then it makes it much, much worse. I tell myself that every time I have recently thought, eh, maybe this is the year I start drinking in moderation, I’m ready, why not? Um, because, it won’t make anything that is good better, and it won’t fix anything that is bad–it will just make it more bad. That is logic that Wolfie-boy, drinking-brain does not like because it makes drinking seem illogical and irrational–which is what it is and why it’s so cunning and baffling; and small and ridiculous and empty.
Aight, off my box. I wish everyone a wonderful eve, spent here, there, everywhere, and nowhere–it’s all good. Be grateful and stay present. The stars keep shining, and if you let it, your head does keep wanting to look up to see them (though, we might not see Betelgeuse soon!).
Happy 2020, friends, and we’ll see you on the flip!
Drunky Drunk Girl 
Happy 2020.
My personal experience this year is that even the most heart wrenching pain, that sends one questioning ones value as a person or the use of going on with life, is best done sober. Because, at least for me, I would go from a drink to cope to blackout drunk to burry the feelings.
I know I would. So I just don’t.
And when the horror of the situation faded I was left with my clear thoughts and life to live.
Yes. Staying present is the answer.
Take care! Hug your doggy for me,
Anne
always great to read your logic…especially the thoughts about alcohol not making things any better..moderation , even if possible seems like a silly thing to do ..why bother, indeed:)
“Be grateful and stay present” is spot on! Simple, short, and so true. Hang in there…you’ve got this!
Thanks, I like your blog and will be reading it as I try to navigate my first dry January.
Hi DDG:Norton Antivirus is telling me that your site is relatively new and could be dangerous. First time that’s happened. Please let me know if you are having issues.Thanks,Just Some WomanP.S. Happy New Year!
Huh–that is weird! I transitioned my domain a few months ago from wordpress to just ddg, but, that should happen automatically when you load the page… Thanks for pointing it out!
Finally made it to the blog despite tech issues, but I just have to respond.
My black cat (I’ve almost always owned one) is 19 and was diagnosed with renal failure 2 years ago. I thought she would be gone in 2 months! I pay a fortune for her special diet (a necessity to keep her alive) and try to keep her comfortable. She also has arthritis…she’s become my “little old lady” but she seems to feel ok. I’ve had two years to prepare for her passing so I consider myself lucky. If I have to take the next step, I will stay with her until the end. I read a piece that a vet wrote that said don’t leave them, and I won’t. Uh, no more sad stuff from me!
New Years Eve was interesting. I was recovering from the flu and was half dead but I managed to book a motel room on a beautiful river to attend a party with very close friends that drink. I ate good food, turned down two free drinks that the waitress forced on me (I accepted the last one because she wouldn’t shut up and proceeded to pour in into someone’s glass.) They were grateful, and I got out of announcing that I was an alcoholic to this pushy stranger. I even danced until I found out I was too weak to hang with it. Midnight was sad (hubby home sick) and I retired to my room around 1:00. I’m a real party dog!!!!
You know the absolute best part???? There were 11 members of the party and 10 puked the next morning and couldn’t eat breakfast!! Number 11 pigged out on the free breakfast, smiled, and drove home feeling extremely grateful.
On a side note, I must say, that 90 percent of the time, your blog shocks me. Things that you say could have come right out of my own mouth! Sorry to drag on so long but I just want to let you know that you aren’t the only one having these EXACT feelings as we get older, more menopausal, more aware of parents getting closer to the inevitable. But we’ll all make it through. We always do, don’t we? Happy New Year!
DDG are you still out there? I came across your blog and am loving it but I don’t see any posts for January 2020? Hope you and your precious doggy are all okay
Still here! Post coming soon…:) Yes, she is doing well–she’ll probably live forever (I wish!). Thank you for checking in!
Grateful and present are wonderful goals for the new year. Enjoyed reading this post! 💕👍🏻
So glad! Happy new year…can’t believe it’s already February!