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Onto the next, it seems

6:31 pm

2022 is just tearing by; it’s been sort of a blur. And, admittedly, I am hesitant to post most of the time. Not sure why; among many reasons, I guess I just feel like, sharing with strangers is a bit, well, 2012. Yep, this year will mark TEN YEARS writing this blog; can you believe that? It feels GOOD to keep writing here, but I guess it’s probably time to move on? Eh, save that decision for another year! Haha.

Hmm…I could go through my checklist of what’s new, but, 2022 has been sort of a continuation of 2021 for me: work, work, work, rinse, repeat. I am a bit (haha) burnt out, but I have learned a lot, gotten a ton done, and made a lot of money! I rarely leave the house, and if I do make it out into the world, it’s for a quick hour to go jogging or pick up something at the store. (However, that only affects me negatively if I think about the fact that in two years, I haven’t made many new friends. Then again, who has done or made anything new during Covid?) I know, I know, this working 80 hours a week is definitely not sustainable, but it was never meant to be; I’ve been grinding it out for one sole reason–to save money to buy a house (or, houses, if I had my way). Thing is, this bleeping pandemic has devastated the housing market, so, until inventory comes back online, all I am doing is working to save money, with no end in sight, it seems. Still, I will keep on keepin’ on because the money is good and I am able to do it.

My dad is still, you know, declining with dementia. We have him in a home (in my home state, they are called CBRFs), which is a necessity; I cannot imagine trying to care for him or someone like him on my own, in my own home. These days, he is sort of present but then also, sort of pulling from a much reduced memory bank. It’s as if he recalls memories of reactions and feelings he had from last year, to similar situations that he is in this year. It’s bizarre.

The other day, he went to the ER because he hadn’t fully emptied his bladder in a while…which made me wonder, is this part of it, too? Could be, could also be his meds, which they keep adding one on top of another, every time we turn around. Past few days, he was slurring his words a LOT, talking nonsense. They dose him with Ativan regularly, which I sort of disagree with (my experience with those meds is that, they are not necessarily anti-anxiety as much as they are anti-panic attack level of anxiety; in fact, when I took them to preempt a panic attack, they actually made my nerves worse); and the neurologist just put him on a drug for the tremors caused by another drug his is taking. Gotta love (not) Big Pharma.

Bottom line: NO ONE deserves his fate. NO ONE deserves to go out with dementia. The cruelest irony is, he was a hugely intelligent man.

On a different note, I had my boo bring home some rum the other day so I could make tiramisu brownies! They turned out pretty good, but next time, I’m going to make real tiramisu and not an altered version. I have to admit, I was sipping a few ounces of white wine every few nights about a month ago when the heat/anger/insomnia got to be overload; it actually really helped, seems it’s quite medicinal for peri/menopausal symptoms. HOWEVER, there are many other, healthier options that women can take, right? I dunno; a part of me now believes (after experimenting for the past few years on HRT) that a few sips of white wine is much healthier than putting exogenous hormones into your body before it’s done producing its own. Long story short, I was enjoying the relief so much that I dumped the bottle.

The sounds of the night are coming out, the dogs need to be walked, and I have a lot of personal stuff to do before I call it a day and start gearing up for another crazy week, so… Hope all are well!

Tags: 10 years, 2022, 2022 going fast, blog anniversay, burnout, dad with dementia, insomnia, New Year, night heat, what happened to january, white wine for perimenopause, working

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, dementia, Family, Long-term sobriety, New Year, Parents, perimenopause, Random, Sobriety, Women's health, Women's issues, Work

Happy 2022

3 Jan

12:49 pm

Just a quick check-in to say, happy new year, everyone!

Not a ton of deep thoughts for the new year; I miss writing this blog, but I really haven’t had much time for anything aside from work and family stuff this past year (that’s an understatement!). I hope the new year will bring change, in those realms and in others. I miss “me,” and I miss pondering my sobriety and life with y’all.

Happy 2022. Hope to post again soon. Stay well…

Tags: 2022, happy new year, New Year

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, New Year

And…2021? What?

2 Jan

11:59 am

I remember when it was Y2K! Haha. Remember that? Y2K. Remember when that was a thing–I mean, almost as “big” of a thing as Covid? Ahh, to think that we were worried about that, when THIS was what was in store for us, 21 years later.

Jesus, 21 years?

Um, 21 years is sounding like a LONG time to me, at this very moment. Of course, lately, since my dad has been having dementia-related memory problems–and as we (meaning, my brothers and myself) learn how to talk to him in a way that is helpful and constructive–it’s got me thinking a lot about time, aging, and the reliability and (d)evolution of our memories as we get older. Sometimes I wonder if I have some form of early-onset dementia–organizing and cataloguing my thoughts just makes me feel irritated, and I definitely have had moments lately where I’m like, wait, why don’t I remember every gory detail anymore of what happened when?

It’s been saddening, shocking, and angering–yup; this feels like grief, as in, all of the sudden, you’re angry at the thing before you melt into tears (on the inside)–to watch my dad’s mind stop working. And, as a life scientist, I do wonder what is happening up there, with all those neurons. His thought patterns remind me a lot of someone in a blackout; he does not remember minute to minute, sometimes second to second, yet, he is present, conversing, and remembering other things. I noticed that his sense of sequential time is all mixed up, too; sometimes, he’ll recycle the same words or conversations that we have had more than once, months ago, as if he is still there, in that moment. Maybe he is? The other night–he was tired, and I’ve read that people with dementia “sun down” and get looser and more confused at nighttime–he kept saying the same thing, in response to anything I asked him; and, it was totally unrelated to anything. He has been fixated on a couple of things–getting out, and getting to the cordless phone at the nursing station so that he can call strangers to get him out–since Thanksgiving, when he was in the first ER/hospital. He was uber-combative then. Now, he seems to just have accepted what is, or, he has more awareness and/memory around why he is inside to begin with (I guess?).

It’s all really, really hard to understand, what’s going on in his brain. We are doing our best, trying to get him from point a to b to c–some days, I feel really deflated, like someone stunned me (the same feeling I had after the hurricanes ripped through our area and tore many a house down). Some days, like tonight, I rally, do what I am supposed to, and stay on track (tonight, I had to start looking at community-based residential facilities, which is just SO, so sad; with my dad, it’s definitely going to be like putting a rare creature who is used to running on the African savannah into a cage in a zoo). Fortunately, I have my brothers to lean on…

Otherwise, yeah, 2021 feels…a bit quiet so far. It was a busy holiday season, actually, since we did almost everything we usually do as well as I had this whole Dad situation to think about. We had a nice dinner at a friend’s place, went sailing on a catamaran (well, the captain motored us around!), and managed to get to three beaches (it’s been like, hurricane-windy here for the past week, which does not make for great beach days). Many days last week, I vowed to give up writing; most nights, I remembered how grateful I am to have a (writing) job to go back to come Monday (my contract was extended). I watched a movie and started watching “Long Strange Trip”–I can’t believe how young Jerry Garcia was when he died!

I managed to patch up a rough spot with a friend of mine, love more on our neighbor dog–we have a special connection since she was my Best Girl’s “angel”–and just lounge around with our new pup on my lap (he is quite the needy boy!). I’ve been running, too, but the hills are not easy on the knees and uh, I have some residual joint pain from the estrogen patch (sure of this; I have no clue why estrogen replacement therapy would cause your body to react as if its joints were arthritic, and I have honestly stopped wondering–see, is this dementia? I am just too tired to care anymore; I am not dying, so all is well, right?).

We actually masked up and went out for sushi on New Year’s Eve; it was quiet around town, and we were home and in our jammies by 10:30. LOL. I really Could Not Even with this year’s New Year’s Eve; I mean, everything was messed up, tossed around, twisted into a new shape during 2020, so, “celebrating” NYE took on a different meaning for me this year, as in, who really cares? Haha.

I haven’t felt much like dwelling on the literal lately, as I said–and so, it’s been hard to come up with some sort of “yearly word.” At first, I was like, God, I’m too tired to care. However, the more I journaled today, the more I felt something brewing…

This year might just be about finally letting go of my expectations, my past projects and goals and dreams–and setting new ones that I want to do, that fit, that feel right. And, if they stop feeling right, move on. It’s like, I don’t have the energy to hang onto my old self and old dreams anymore, you know? Maybe because my heart feels crushed by watching my dad lose his mind?

One of my fondest memories of my dad keeps coming back to this (and, it makes me want to cry every night, because I look up at the sky every night): because he was a trained merchant marine (a sailor), he knew the night sky very well. He knew a lot of things very well, and he could entertain people endlessly with his facts and figures. Anyway, whenever we’d be outside on a summer night on the farm, looking up at the stars–so many, so bright–he’d point and say, Look, that’s Sirius. There, that’s Benetnash and Mizar; there’s Alioth, Megrez, Phad, Merak, Dubhe–all the stars in the Big Dipper. It was ridiculous because, well, most people never even heard of these stars let alone could point them out in the night sky.

Maybe that’s why I go out now, and look up; I want to remember him.

And, I want him to remember, too. I want him to look up, to see the night sky, to remember pointing up, There, that’s Benetnash and Mizar; there’s Alioth, Megrez, Phad…

Tags: 2021, aging, alcoholic blackout, blackout, dad, dementia, father, forget as you get older, forgiveness, let it go, memory, new dreams, new goals, New Year, parent, parent with dementia, remember, too tired to care

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Change, Family, Goals, Health, Holidays, Life, Long-term sobriety, New Year, Parents, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Writing

Being grateful and staying present

31 Dec

3:33 pm

So, as you know, we are about to embark on a new year, a new decade, a…blah blah blah. For some reason, I just can’t this year. I can’t try that hard to have a “memorable” New Year’s Eve this year. Granted, just being sober will make it 100 percent more memorable than a lot of my past New Year’s Eves. Kidding aside, I’m just kind of burnt this year, and tired of trying to coordinate and make it happen–in spite of my own resistance, fatigue, and other people’s inability to commit. Frankly, I kind of want to spend it alone, with my dog, watching TV (my boo has to work). I have never wanted to watch television on NYE, but this year, it sounds perfectly acceptable!

What I want for myself for this new year is to stop taking people–their actions, my thoughts about their actions–personally. I think that will go a LONG way toward being grateful and staying present. Lately, I’ve found myself spiraling down my mental rabbit hole by forgetting to be grateful for the BAZILLION things that are important–my sobriety and all the past and present struggles that have come with it; our moves and moving around, which have taught us some serious lessons about who we are and what we want; my relationship; the handful of meaningful friendships that I do have in my life; my sweet dog, who is ailing and probably won’t see another holiday season, but for which I have to be grateful, and for whom I have to stay present.

Today, my big outing was taking my girl down to our local “dog beach,” which isn’t an actual public beach so it makes for a quiet setting. There is an inlet protected from the swell where she can go swimming. It was sad watching her, and I cried. I mean, I cry a little inside every time I have to carry her up the stairs, help her get up, pick up her poop on the carpet inside because she can’t control her muscles back there that well; but I don’t “cry” cry. This felt good, and I needed it; I need to start letting go.

I am not sure what is worse: having a dog that gets cancer and goes fast, or a dog who has this horrible, progressive arthritis that gradually transforms her into one that barely resembles the pup you once knew. I know, I know, she’s a dog; but, it’d be the same emotional rollercoaster with a person (it IS the same, watching my mom), only the progression would take 20 years, not two.

I was angry for a bit, like, I am never getting another dog, why bother, I don’t/can’t go through this again. But, it got me thinking, well, that is so depressing and cynical–if I lost my partner, would I choose to spend the rest of my life alone, choose to be angry and antisocial because…life? This is life, the coming and going. This is life, and it hurts, and it sucks, but…the anger and frustration is life, too. And it all passes, sooner rather than later. What can you do but choose to accept, embrace, process? What can you do but decide that you will NOT fall into the self-defeating trap of black-and-white thinking?

This year, I want to start getting past my anger and frustration regarding this general aging shit–myself, my dog, my mom and my dad, both of whom are struggling immensely with physical and mental decline. To not let perimenopausal night heat and insomnia (though, lack of sleep is its own mental health disorder) overturn my world; to not let my mom or dad’s decline influence my emotional state so much; to just love my dog and try to let it be, accept it for what it is, let it go, let HER go… I can’t live in this state of resistance all the time, but, I also don’t want to lay down and let the world run me over, like a huge ocean wave; that might lead to me giving up. I don’t ever want to give up; I don’t ever want to stop listening to the radio (Walking Dead reference, folks…!).

Sometimes, I want to drink; most times, I think, why bother? I know it won’t change anything–it’s not going to stop time, and it’s not going to change how I deal with the passing of time and aging. So, I won’t, and I’ll keep plugging: be grateful, stay present. Cry. Whisper-scream (oh, all right, just scream, but no banging on the thighs in the middle of the night as you whisper-scream).

How hard can it be? Hahaha…

Inhale, exhale, and remember: drinking only makes it better for a split second, and then it makes it much, much worse. I tell myself that every time I have recently thought, eh, maybe this is the year I start drinking in moderation, I’m ready, why not? Um, because, it won’t make anything that is good better, and it won’t fix anything that is bad–it will just make it more bad. That is logic that Wolfie-boy, drinking-brain does not like because it makes drinking seem illogical and irrational–which is what it is and why it’s so cunning and baffling; and small and ridiculous and empty.

Aight, off my box. I wish everyone a wonderful eve, spent here, there, everywhere, and nowhere–it’s all good. Be grateful and stay present. The stars keep shining, and if you let it, your head does keep wanting to look up to see them (though, we might not see Betelgeuse soon!).

Happy 2020, friends, and we’ll see you on the flip!

Tags: aging dog, aging parents, arthritis, be here now, be in the moment, dog, don't take it personally, dying dog, grateful, let it go, letting go, New Year's Eve, New Year's resolution, old parents, osteoarthritis, stay in the moment, stay present, stop taking it personally

Comments 11 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Change, Choices, Gratitude, Holidays, New Year, Psychology, Random, Recovery, Sobriety

Oh, hello, 2018!

4 Jan

4:26 pm

Does it feel to others like 2018 has come in so quietly it’s almost snuck in?

This year is going to be all about transitions, crossings, and changes–and, of letting go of the reins, or at least, loosening the grip.

Welp, without much fanfare–and with some anxiety–2018 has arrived. 2017 went fast, flew by, sort of took my breath away; and, I had a feeling it would, when by the beginning of February, I had already flown across the country for work, and was embarking on the first of several (months-long) job interviews (none of which I was offered, but that’s OK). In fact, last year was all about searching–pushing and planning and striving and trying SO hard to see…the future. I took a lot of trips, my favorite, of course, being a solo journey to South America (man, I can’t even believe that happened, what with how the hurricanes have changed the course of our lives)… All this is to say that, last year was so much about trying to move the Earth, and sort of succeeding, but mostly just laying cable and putting up with all the frustrations that come with trying so hard.

Last year, I think my “phrase” of the year was, move the Earth, or something like that. I guess I moved it a little bit (I started on a big writing project, and that is the one thing, aside from moving, that I want to get done this year). I moved around it a lot, that’s for sure.

This year? Shit. Let the damn Earth move itself. Let it happen. Let it go…

Gratefully, I am bouncing back after a few weeks of pretty intense sadness: our dog WAS diagnosed with canine lymphoma, and…yup, major tears all around. Wailing tears, to be exact, for a few days in a row, and then…acceptance. This is happening, and there is no cure. He’s only 9, and far too young to be looking like an old dog now, but…this is happening. We aren’t going to treat him in favor of making his last months somewhat bearable with prednisone (though, that stuff is making him really, really groggy). I have started him on this weird diet thingie I found online, so I’m hopeful (yay, hope!) that this might turn it around and land us a miracle. There’s always the possibility of a miracle, I have to believe.

So, there’s that that’s been literally keeping me up at night. Oh, and we’re moving, too! In a few weeks! Like, a big move, across the continent! This, too, is happening. We’ve sold my car, arranged for our landlady to buy our household full of stuff (so she can rent our place furnished), and are in the process of getting flights, flight letters for our precious babes (dogs), and all the other stuff that comes with moving. My job is aight (but, another thing! it’s ending in March!), and the only thing that sucks about it is that we don’t have anything resembling a good cell service connection at home anymore (thanks for nothing, AT&T), so I have to go out looking for Internet in order to work (and write this blog post).

Mostly, I feel excited, sad about the endings that are coming up, and on edge. Like, I have been waking up almost every night at 4 am–after only about 4 hours sleep, which is exhausting and maddening–and it’s usually accompanied by anxiety. Like, dark terre thoughts. And, the next day, I feel anxious and depressed. And, it’s made me realize that I have NEVER truly experienced this before, but now I can totally see the connection between insomnia and anxiety and depression! Like, there is something about waking up at 4 am that makes me crazy–angry, panicky, and depressed the next day. I cannot control my negative thinking the way I can when I am fully rested.

And, this just makes me remember how I used to get wrapped up in drinking thinking–negative thoughts and thinking patterns that are caused by alcohol, and not a part of me. I used to think that all my complicated depressive thoughts were of me, but really, they were a part of the drinking. It’s so hard to see that when you’re not sober; it’s very easy to see when you’re separate from alcoholic drinking. Anyway, I guess it’s a reminder to be cool, and remember that it will get better.

Just a quick update to say, happy new year and that I’m looking very much forward to watching the Earth move itself in 2018. How about you?

Tags: anxiety, insomnia, let it go, letting go, New Year, New Year's resolution

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Change, Choices, Events, Holidays, Insomnia, Moving, New Year, PTSD, Recovery, Sobriety

Phrase of the year

2 Jan

11:24 am

I’ve seen many posts re: word of the year. I used to do that, too, and in a way, I guess “phrase” is akin to “word”.

Move the earth. Or, move the earth, beyotches. This is my phrase of the year.

2017. It does have an ominous, heavy feel to it. Maybe because it’s closer to “20” than “15” or even “10”. Maybe it’s because I know what lies ahead: digging in, pushing out, molding form out of lumps of wet clay. Focus, and effort. And: sweet, sweet smells of dirt, of salty earth, of pepper and fire and flint–steely eyes, steeled tongue. I do not give any fucks anymore–in a good way. 😉

I’ve spent 18 months at a nearly-intolerable job in order to make money, essentially. I feel like I’ve been PREPARING and PLANNING for a long time, and that includes, thinking about and writing about getting sober. I won’t stop doing that–it seems, IS, as much a part of staying sober as any of my well-worn coping mechanisms. BUT, I can officially say that I want something more. Else. Different. New.

(Mind you, I also made my science journalism about writing about addiction, too, for a while, so maybe I’m just burnt out. Sometimes I think, if I never have to write one more fucking word in my life, I will be the happiest girl alive. And then I come back to reality: I am a writer, I am compelled to write. And I miss it terribly when I don’t write; I can’t even live my life when I don’t process it via the written word! So, I let that thought go and try to embrace the grey area, so to speak–something that becomes more challenging the more I want to make real change instead of waiting, wanting, working toward something that is coming, in due time, if I just keep plugging.)

Last year at this time, I was in a world of hurt. Glad that hell is over. Yes, I made good money and have since continued working (remotely) for that company, but man, was I depressed last year. No more. Done. I made it through. Happy to NOT be there, and to be here. Much has transpired between then and now that has helped me get happy again: I moved home (I am much more myself in a tropical than desert climate); I worked as a barista, which I really loved; we got engaged in May; we traveled a lot this year (New Orleans was my favorite!); I paid off my graduate student loans; I got into running more (I have somehow managed to keep off those 15 pounds for 2.5 years).

One big thing I want to mention is that I started taking hormones by way of the pill! Imagine: at 42, I am taking the pill for the first time. Haha. It’s worth mentioning because, I have ZERO PMS craziness anymore. It’s awesome. MANY of my worst drinking binges happened around or because of my fluctuating hormones–many women who drink can probably say that, they, too, drank when they were PMSing. No one talks about that, of course, but look, it can be as simple as taking birth control, or, I guess if you’re older, actual hormone replacement therapy–to feel way better, to NOT feel crazy, to not feel angry, or depressed, or like you want to down oceans of wine for two weeks out of the month. Not to mention, the hangovers are from SATAN when your body is not really processing booze well, which (ironically) is what’s happening around this time o’ the month. (More on this for another post, methinks.)

Anyway, I feel stronger now, and I think I’m simply ready to start thinking about other stuff more of the time. I mean, I will always blog here, that’s a given. That I can’t let go. I would love to wake up, however, and not have this feeling of, I have to think about sobriety. I have to relate things I do now, in my present life, with my having gotten sober. I DO, constantly, because it is all intertwined; I just wish there was a way I could both appreciate the past without having to think at all about it. I’m grateful, though, and it’s just a matter of perspective when it comes to “ruminating” on getting sober, and being sober.

I need to get out more, too. I quit the coffee shop job back in September, and it has been rough. I am SO tired of these four walls, you know? And, I’m getting kind of irritable. Maybe, mean. Like, cynical. I need connection, we all do. I’m on day 5 of a Facebook fast, and I feel like I like people more–what I get now from interactions is real, it’s authentic.

I admit: I have felt lonely since not logging into Facebook. Like, there’s no reason to go on my phone! Haha. BUT, I’m slowing down and opening up to the people and places around me; and I’m gaining a little bit of mental patience. I can take things in that used to annoy me because they were too slow, not enough, immediately boring. I felt…controlled by Facebook, and that felt very much like being addicted to binge drinking. Now, I feel better, freer. It’s good. Despite feeling truly out of it, and lonely, I’m going to keep going. (I really miss “on this day”, though…)

As for wanting to drink? Well, I have to admit that on New Year’s Eve, as I was remembering other NYEs–when I was single, granted, and was going on all these crazy, “life experience”-type trips to far-flung places for the holidays–I felt staid. Boring. Not lacking in contentment, but sort of unhappy. Vexed. Fear of missing out was an actual, I am missing out. I am not learning, or growing, or expanding my horizons!

Drinking won’t bring back the “life-changing” experiences that were INVARIABLY RUINED anyway by the time New Year’s Day rolled around in said far-flung places. I know that drinking isn’t the answer, and cannot be: it doesn’t work and hasn’t for years. I know that what’s simmering in the pot will come together into a lump of…something good to eat, soon. Yes, it still comes and goes, this desire to drink to fix, or transfer, or be reborn. None of that happens, and never did, and never will. It was fun, looking back–but, I’m here now, and pretty content, actually.

This year will still be about plugging away, and working, but also, finally starting to do stuff, you know? After all this obligatory preparatory work–laying the groundwork-work, doing this before moving on-work–it will pay off. Move the earth, beyotches! 🙂

Tags: letting go, moving on, New Year's Eve, phrase of the year, PMS drinking trigger, taking stock, thinking about sobriety, word of the year

Comments 7 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Change, Goals, Gratitude, Happiness, Holidays, Life, New Year, Sobriety, Triggers, Work, Writing

Things end, things begin

28 Feb

1:53 pm

I’ve missed you all, and I’ve missed sharing the milestones of long-term sobriety (or, several years of sobriety–feels like forever to me, and I know I will never, can never, return to all that). I haven’t blogged much these past six months because I’ve been working a full-time contract and exploring a new (geographical) place, trying to figure it all out, as it were. I’ve been essentially wrestling with a lot of what-if’s. But, I miss my old “sober” life so much. I’m still sober–of course. I was reading a post I wrote for The Fix three summers ago, and while a lot of the comments were encouraging, there were a LOT of garbage ones, too. (Trolls do as trolls are.) I’m glad I didn’t listen to the garbage and have kept blogging–it, alongside my own resolve and self-discovery, has been the cornerstone of my sobriety.

I am starting to wind down my temporary life here–and, hopefully, wind back up my freelancing. Which means, more blogging…and more personal writing and “excavation.” I cannot wait. I feel like I’ve been starving in a lack of substance, sustenance, for six months. I need to write, to create, to explore. I need to be in touch with all the possibilities that emanate from within. I’m glad for the financial opportunity the past six months have given, but I’ll also be very happy to come home for a while (at least for a few months, while I wait out whatever this company decides to do, which, either way, it’s all good) to just be.

More soon! Hope all are well…

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Change, New Year, Recovery, Sobriety

Happy 2015!

10 Jan

11:29 am

I just wanted to check in quickly and say, happy new year to all!

Lately, I haven’t been blogging much, mainly because I’m really busy with my freelance writing business. I have to say, 2014 was a fantastic year, and I’m almost a little apprehensive: will 2015 live up to it? My “word” of the year is BUILD. Just continuing to build, and work, and reap the rewards of continued sobriety. There have been so many, and from the talks I’ve had with self and others, this year is looking to be pretty fruitful as well.

Last year I took something like five or six trips–it was a very active, confrontational year. Meaning, I went toward, and worked on, my demons, or, the things that I had to go back to. This year, that doesn’t have to be the case; I’ve circled the wagon and seen inside–not much going on that’s relevant to my present, daily life anymore.

This year, my boyfriend and I are already planning a handful of awesome trips, one of which will be another road trip through the southern part of the US–to see where we want to move to. The freelance writing, after much, much work, has finally started to pay off: not only am I writing almost constantly (because I work almost constantly), but I’m landing better-paying gigs. Hope that keeps up this year. It will keep up if I keep putting the work in, is one thing I’ve always known. You work, and it pays off. Eventually, somehow, somewhere.

Full steam ahead, continuation of the hard work that I put in last year–that’s all I can come up with for 2015. Sobriety is my cornerstone, but…not drinking doesn’t mean all that much, in the end, without accompanying work toward making my life what I want it to be. Meaning, I have a bottle of white in the fridge–haven’t even looked at it beyond using it to make risotto a couple times. BUT, have I felt tired and frustrated and unsure–and happy and joyful, and frankly, free? All the time, yes, yes, yes. Both, and neither, and in between. That’s life. It has nothing to do anymore, for me, with wine, white or red. Life is life; liquid that you put into your body is just that. I pick life to think about and do these days, not “sobriety.” Sobriety, thankfully, is done. It’s there. It’s my building block. But, that doesn’t mean I believe I have to be afraid of returning to the person who was guzzling bottles on a daily basis.

Which is a little bit why I haven’t blogged. But, mainly, it’s because I’ve been busy working and dreaming and planning for what’s to come, not what WAS. And, what isn’t. I guess I can open up some time, one day soon, to ruminate on what isn’t. Not today, though: I have writing to do (ugh), a beach to visit, some kind of kickass meal to make (I really like cooking now), dogs to walk, and “The Killing” to watch. 🙂

Here’s to a productive–and TRULY “happy, joyful, and free” new year. Happy, and joyful, and free is HOW YOU DEFINE IT. And, if you’re at that point, of being able to use those words, and set even just a little meaning to them; you’re well on your way to full, lasting recovery.

Tags: 2015, alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, change, drinking, freelance writing, let go of the past, New Year, psychology, recovery, self-employment, sober, sobriety, the past is irrelevant, travel, wine, women, work, writing, you are not what you call yourself, you are not your past

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Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Change, Happiness, Health, Life, Moving, New Year, Psychology, Recovery, Self-employment, Self-empowerment, Sobriety, Travel, Work, Writing

Do one new thing every day…

3 Jan

1:44 am

…is my New Year’s mantra! I’ve already broken a few resolutions, like, eat less cake and drink less Diet Coke, BUT… Resolutions are things to work on, not attain. When it comes to goals like these, it’s not all or nothing, it’s not black or white, and it’s not one-size-fits-all. Just like getting sober! (Not to mention, what does the Gregorian calendar have to do with my soda consumption? I’m sure the Pope wouldn’t really care if I didn’t eat less cake…)

I like the idea of having a year’s theme. In fact, I was reminded by Mished-Up’s awesome post just how productive declaring a “word of the year” can be! I did that for a few years back in my early 20s. One year it was something like Growth. Another year it was Change. A third was, This is the year of Creativity.

Haha, I KNOW. But the words resonated with specific things in my life at the time, and it seemed to work. If I had a word for this year, or a theme, it would be… ‘ME.’ Or, ‘BACK UP, BITCHES, AND MAKE SOME ROOM!’

ME, to me, translates to kicking ass. Starting. Getting to work. Making a bucket list and getting ON IT. Letting go of the past year and reaping some of the rewards of getting sober. So, I’ve decided that I’d like to try something new–something that’s probably been on my to-do list for years–every day. It doesn’t have to be exactly new, or even grandiose. It could be as simple as trying a new food, or trying to make a new kind of food. Ordering some crocheting tools online and starting my “plastic bag” project. Hiking a new trail. Visiting a new island. Pitching a story. Taking an online fiction class. Learning how to give a better massage. I mean, the list is ENDLESS!

I have the tendency to overthink things. I know, I know, it’s hard for some of you reading this blog to believe, but it’s true. 😉 Overthink and overplan. I’m trying to try something new this year, and to a certain extent, it’s out of necessity: I no longer have the energy to be a perfectionist, especially in the face of the work it takes to maintain my sobriety. The other day, after reading something (probably someone’s blog), I realized that most, if not all, of my recent choices and lack thereof have been based on my fear(s). Fear of doing stuff, fear of starting stuff. I’m a fearful perfectionist, and these two character traits have definitely prevented me from moving forward in my career, for example. They’ve also tied me to the wine bottle, as it’s easy to avoid confronting your fears–and your fear of your perfectionism getting the better of you in the creative process–when you CAN’T do anything because you’re either drunk or hung over. You can’t fail if you don’t try, right?

Anyway, it’s been a good new year so far. New Year’s Eve was fine, actually. Sure, I felt a few pangs, especially at midnight (though, the whiff of champagne I got from someone else’s glass made me feel almost sick–ah, the power of association), but I got over it quickly by remembering just how much I have. I guess, the whole “I do not want what I haven’t got” idea is hitting home these days because I really don’t want what other people “have” anymore. (The question is, what DO I want? Another day, another post.)

I felt good where I was at, no desire to be out and about, getting drunk. I was in bed by 2 (am, that is), and woke up to a bright, sunny day. And, what a great way to start off the new year–no hangover, no drama, nothing to hate myself for having done or say I’m sorry about for having said, no tracks to cover or mishaps to fix. My frustration(s) the other night have passed, and I’m “back on it,” as they say. I guess some days will be harder than others, but it was good to pinpoint my triggers (thoughts and then, feelings, that drive me into a tailspin) by actually observing them and not drinking them away.

And, one new thing a day? Well, my boyfriend and I hopped the 2 pm ferry over to [beautiful island] yesterday and hiked to a beach. We’ve been to that beach before so that wasn’t “new,” but we hiked around a resort and over a few trails that I had never been on, so that was! Today, I signed up for my first road race in like, years and years–8 Tuff Miles. It’s an 8-mile course up and over the hills of [beautiful island], so…it’ll give me a very good reason to stay sober past my 90-day goal. (Not to mention, my sciatic and leg pain have subsided to like, a 2 out of 10, so that’s a HUGE relief. I’ve been swimming to strengthen and now running to build muscle without overdoing it… The key for me is skipping yoga; basic stretches are OK, but anything else is counterproductive.)

Yes, the thought of drinking at 90 days has crossed my mind, but, WHY? I mean, what purpose would it serve? I like where I’m at now; I feel like I’m finally getting out from under some of my thought triggers. I want to work more, do more, and run at least every other day. HOW WOULD BEING HUNG OVER HELP ME? Not to mention, I have no “need” to drink: there is nothing that I want to run from, and I know that I have to face my issues and fears and goals and relationships, including the one with myself, sober if I’m going to move forward. Drinking just sets me back. How simple, but profound.

2013 and, well, life is the same–I’m still sober! Happy new year, indeed!

Tags: 2013, alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, bucket list, change, drinking, fear, goals, gratitude, holidays, new, New Year, New Year's Eve, New Year's resolution, perfectionism, perfectionist, recovery, resolution, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 14 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Goals, Gratitude, Holidays, New Year, Recovery, Running, Sobriety

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Drunky Drunk Girl

Onto the next, it seems

Happy 2022

And…2021? What?

Being grateful and staying present

Oh, hello, 2018!

Phrase of the year

Things end, things begin

Happy 2015!

Do one new thing every day…

Hi, it’s DDG!

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