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Just sayin’ hi

2:06 pm

Happy 2023, everyone! Just stoppin’ by to say hi!

It has been way too long, I must admit. I think my last post was back in June of last year, so this is a long overdue check-in.

Welp, it was a long, hardish fall and winter, so I’ll spare you the details. BUT, the outline went something like this: we went on an Alaskan cruise in June; came home to being forced to dive into a house hunt; almost bought a house but the deal fell through; and ended up staying in our current rental. I went states-side in September; we had a few tropical storms but no big deal (it’s been a really rainy season, though, which is good for our cisterns); and we attended a wedding, once again, on the mainland in October. I think I overdid it–finally admitting that I am not superhuman and need much more mental downtime than I’ve literally been able to afford myself the past few years, at least in my mind–such that, by the time Thanksgiving, my partner’s birthday, Christmas, and New Year’s were done and gone (we took a trip to see both our parents this year; it was tiring, actually), I was burnt. I still am burnt.

So burnt that the first two weeks of this year, 2023, sort of feel like I was in a blackout. Haha.

Anyhoo, I wanted to check in and say, I am still here. And I hope you are, too.

I haven’t thought of my “word” for this year, but a few weeks ago, I kind of wanted it to be, “me”. Haha. What I think I mean is, I want to spend more time with “me” this year, give myself more time and space to just be–and to be me, the real me, the me that is not work or thinking or self or ego. I think I need that. How? Maybe meditate more, maybe reach out to others more and commune in group meditation and yoga. Lately, I’ve been told I’m negative, and I guess I have to accept and own that; though, a lot has gone down these past two-plus years that have made me definitely “earn” my being 48 (and the cynicism that has crept in), and not 45 or 46, which feels like light years away.

In any case, while I may get cynical from time to time, I am STILL HERE, still fighting for…me, I guess? The light, I suppose, which has been a little bit lacking lately.

It’s sunny, so I’m heading out for a hike. See you all more this year! Happy 2023!

Tags: 2023, burnout, burnt out, downtime, happy new year, hope, introvert, lighter mind, me time, New Year, overthinking, ruminative thinking, thinking, word of the year

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Change, Choices, Coping mechanisms, Death, dementia, Depression, Holidays, Life, Long-term sobriety, Meditation, Recovery, Sobriety

Onto the next, it seems

13 Feb

6:31 pm

2022 is just tearing by; it’s been sort of a blur. And, admittedly, I am hesitant to post most of the time. Not sure why; among many reasons, I guess I just feel like, sharing with strangers is a bit, well, 2012. Yep, this year will mark TEN YEARS writing this blog; can you believe that? It feels GOOD to keep writing here, but I guess it’s probably time to move on? Eh, save that decision for another year! Haha.

Hmm…I could go through my checklist of what’s new, but, 2022 has been sort of a continuation of 2021 for me: work, work, work, rinse, repeat. I am a bit (haha) burnt out, but I have learned a lot, gotten a ton done, and made a lot of money! I rarely leave the house, and if I do make it out into the world, it’s for a quick hour to go jogging or pick up something at the store. (However, that only affects me negatively if I think about the fact that in two years, I haven’t made many new friends. Then again, who has done or made anything new during Covid?) I know, I know, this working 80 hours a week is definitely not sustainable, but it was never meant to be; I’ve been grinding it out for one sole reason–to save money to buy a house (or, houses, if I had my way). Thing is, this bleeping pandemic has devastated the housing market, so, until inventory comes back online, all I am doing is working to save money, with no end in sight, it seems. Still, I will keep on keepin’ on because the money is good and I am able to do it.

My dad is still, you know, declining with dementia. We have him in a home (in my home state, they are called CBRFs), which is a necessity; I cannot imagine trying to care for him or someone like him on my own, in my own home. These days, he is sort of present but then also, sort of pulling from a much reduced memory bank. It’s as if he recalls memories of reactions and feelings he had from last year, to similar situations that he is in this year. It’s bizarre.

The other day, he went to the ER because he hadn’t fully emptied his bladder in a while…which made me wonder, is this part of it, too? Could be, could also be his meds, which they keep adding one on top of another, every time we turn around. Past few days, he was slurring his words a LOT, talking nonsense. They dose him with Ativan regularly, which I sort of disagree with (my experience with those meds is that, they are not necessarily anti-anxiety as much as they are anti-panic attack level of anxiety; in fact, when I took them to preempt a panic attack, they actually made my nerves worse); and the neurologist just put him on a drug for the tremors caused by another drug his is taking. Gotta love (not) Big Pharma.

Bottom line: NO ONE deserves his fate. NO ONE deserves to go out with dementia. The cruelest irony is, he was a hugely intelligent man.

On a different note, I had my boo bring home some rum the other day so I could make tiramisu brownies! They turned out pretty good, but next time, I’m going to make real tiramisu and not an altered version. I have to admit, I was sipping a few ounces of white wine every few nights about a month ago when the heat/anger/insomnia got to be overload; it actually really helped, seems it’s quite medicinal for peri/menopausal symptoms. HOWEVER, there are many other, healthier options that women can take, right? I dunno; a part of me now believes (after experimenting for the past few years on HRT) that a few sips of white wine is much healthier than putting exogenous hormones into your body before it’s done producing its own. Long story short, I was enjoying the relief so much that I dumped the bottle.

The sounds of the night are coming out, the dogs need to be walked, and I have a lot of personal stuff to do before I call it a day and start gearing up for another crazy week, so… Hope all are well!

Tags: 10 years, 2022, 2022 going fast, blog anniversay, burnout, dad with dementia, insomnia, New Year, night heat, what happened to january, white wine for perimenopause, working

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, dementia, Family, Long-term sobriety, New Year, Parents, perimenopause, Random, Sobriety, Women's health, Women's issues, Work

Quiet during lockdown

24 Aug

11:59 am

We’ve had a serious increase in COVID cases in the past month-ish, so we’ve been put back into lockdown mode–all nonessential businesses closed, beaches closed early on the weekends (we have the weekdays, though, for which I am grateful), social distancing and face masks required, of course. And, it feels kind of lame; like, we’re just getting our first wave, and it’s mainly due to increased travel (locals leaving and coming home), tourism (we re-opened to tourists in June and they seem to think that they’re on vacation from COVID, too), and people just getting “COVID fatigue.” I mean, I am fine with it since the lockdown thing looks very much like my life before the pandemic, but…yeah, even introverts need to know that there ARE things to do and places to go, even IF we refuse to do those things and go to those places!

In any case, I don’t really feel like I have much to say these days, which is why I’ve been quiet. I feel depressed, I guess. I only have a few hours a day in me, to focus and “work,” and after that, I just want to zone out. The thing is, there’s not much going on externally except, we’re getting over the loss of our dog (we had to put her to sleep about two weeks ago already), we’re going to the beach (floating in the water seems to calm me down and bring me a visceral sense of peace), and I’ve been waiting on a job that might come through (I wish it was for something new and different, but right now, the pandemic has sort of thrown our “new and different” small business and career ideas out the window).

I’ve been thinking, too, about the nature of depression. Lately, I don’t have a lot of oomph, or mental energy to take in and parse that much information. One of the reasons I took a long break from Facebook was that, all that information was just too much to handle. When I talk to my mom on the phone, her incessant analyzing of every last detail doesn’t irritate me as much as overwhelm me; I just have to zone out, I can’t take it all in. It takes me forever to read even 20 pages in a book (which, actually, is a bit scary–what’s wrong with me? Early-onset dementia from all the drinking I did in my 30s, or, burnout?). I don’t really feel excited about much; I mean, I am the queen of “cultivating joy,” especially in these times of menopause, but it just makes me wonder, is it that I’ve been here/done this and just need something new, or is it this COVID crap getting to me like it is everyone else?

On a positive note, I saw the constellation Orion rising along the northern horizon at about 3 am last night (before I went to bed). Wow–it’s the first time I’ve seen Orion since, well, whenever it goes away (it is a winter constellation, in my mind). It was cool. I woke up at 4:45 (of course, I did), and got to glimpse the uber-bright Venus halfway to the sky’s dome–Jesus, it is bright. For some reason, staring at the stars in the middle of the night calms me down, just like floating in the sea. These past few months, I’d be out in the living room with our dog almost all night long–she was too distressed to sleep, and I wasn’t sleeping, so we got to just stare at each other and the stars. I hope she’s up there, shining down on me. The night is, indeed, “dark and full of terrors,” but…not for her anymore, and frankly, MUCH less so for me now that I’m (sort of?) on the other side of perimenopause.

Anyway, just some Monday morning thoughts. Take it easy, everyone. You don’t have to do anything or be anyone. It is OK to rest, to be quiet; to stop thinking, stop doing, stop working, stop wondering. It is OK to just be right now (even if your mind keeps telling you that it’s not).

Tags: burnout, covid, covid-19, depression, in the moment, in the now, information overload, just be, life during lockdown, lockdown, overthinking, quiet your mind

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Boredom, Depression, Insomnia, Life, Long-term sobriety, menopause, Mental health, perimenopause, Recovery, Sobriety

Going through the motions/new directions

25 Sep

8:27 pm

Yesterday and today, I basically took one big break from my freelance writing stuff to actually look for other work down here. And, I’m mostly OK with that. Yeah, I feel like I’ve given up too soon (and, I haven’t even given up, I’ve just decided to pursue a few new, non-writing-related things–oh, me), but if you don’t have the story ideas, or the editorial connections, or, worse, the ambition to go out and get both; then, you have to accept what is. Which is this, right here.

Don’t get me wrong: I am full, and glad, and relatively content. I have gotten through some things, over some major hurdles, professionally. Yet, if I had more drive, I could have done SO much more by now. I just could have. I haven’t, and it’s a daily struggle for me not to beat myself up, get down, or become anxious about “squandered opportunities,” blah blah blah. It’s a daily game I have to play, massaging my thoughts and redirecting them into a positive direction (look at what you HAVE gotten done, it’s going to take a LOT more work so just keep plugging, baby steps, one thing at a time, etc.).

I will bounce back, it’s just going to take some time. And more patience than I ever thought myself capable of, toward myself. What a novelty, having patience with myself! What a novelty, congratulating her for the little victories, even allowing her a treat after those seemingly-miniscule wins! (Yesterday’s was a big bowl of chocolate-covered pretzels, raisins, and walnuts–something I never allowed myself due to expense and well, fat content. Oh, me.)

So while yesterday was about (painfully) going through the motions, today was about new directions. Somehow I snapped out of my funk, mustered some old enthusiasm, and got out there. I went to a bakery (assistant), a hotel, a restaurant association (server), and a private school (substitute teacher/teaching assistant). We’ll see where I land. It’s different–MUCH different–from what I’m used to (white collar, information-age jobs), but c’est la vie, right? It also just makes me realize how few actual skills I have! Sure, I can surf the interwebs with the best of them and type 60 words per minute–and write about scientific research from the (dis)comfort of my office chair–but…what do I actually KNOW HOW TO DO? It’s a wake-up call, for sure.

I’m ambivalent, to say the least. Or, maybe just indifferent. At this point, I need to start making more money. Not to mention, I need a break from sitting in front of my monitor, spinning my wheels all day.

Today, I felt pretty good. Like, my old, confident self. On my walk tonight (I have cut out all running and any activity that will unnecessarily contract my butt and groin muscles, as part of the sciatica healing process–talk about patience…Grrrrr), I thought, and with some clarity: maybe this whole getting “sober” thing has been a huge mindfuck? I mean, sometimes I really do think that the sheer act of thinking about all this shit, of unnecessarily pathologizing my drinking problem, has caused me a whole lot of counterproductive navel-gazing and personal stalling. I can’t help but think, Enough already. So I drank. So I did stupid shit while drunk. Remind me again why I had to spend the past 16 months thinking about it all? Honestly, a part of me believes that it’s the pathologizing that sets us back. It’s made me feel broken, unable, incapable, weak. It made me doubt myself down to the very fiber of my being. Was that the intention? Did it have to be the case? Was it something that I did to myself, me alone? Or, is it normal when you quit drinking?

In any case, I’m kind of over this recovery shit. Sorry to say, but that’s the way I feel about it right now. Will I drink again? I don’t know. It’s a passing thought. I don’t have the urge, but a part of me continues to wonder: would I get some of that focus and fire and drive and passion back, if I did?

Like I said, just a passing thought–oops, there it goes. Buh-bye.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, burnout, drinking, going through the motions, recovery, self-employed, sober, sobriety, tired of thinking about drinking, trying new things, wine, women, work

Comments 4 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Recovery, Self-employment, Sobriety, Work

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Drunky Drunk Girl

Just sayin’ hi

Onto the next, it seems

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Quiet during lockdown

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Going through the motions/new directions

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