Tag Archives: tired of thinking about drinking

Words, words, words

4 May

11:44 am

Well, that was interesting. I just got off Facebook and this blog and blah blah blah. Words, words, words. If anyone understands the peril of relying too heavily on words to explain, define, or clarify, it’s me!

You know, lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with all “social” media. Without going into it too much, it triggers me. I guess I have residual anxiety, but even anticipating a response–any kind–to a Facebook post, or a blog post, or an email makes me feel…uneasy. I don’t need this, and neither does my sobriety.

I’ve also been really struggling with the navel-gazing aspect to sobriety and to writing about the process of getting sober. Maybe I’ve been doing it too long and simply need a break. Let it be known that all is well, and words are only words–they can’t even come close to expressing the infinity of every moment, let alone of a life lived. All I can say is, this is a new post, and a new day, and I might simply stop writing about my sobriety in favor of writing about other stuff on here–or not! We’ll see.

On that note, I’m going to the beach. Or for a walk. Either would be great, as long as it doesn’t involve my brain. 🙂

Remember: your drinking and your sobriety, as a story source once told me, is only a part of your life. It’s not the whole story, that’s for sure. YOU have control over how you construct your reality. Today, my reality will consist of sun, sand, a very quieted mind, laundry, cleaning, quieting the mind again, job searching (ugh!), volunteer searching (yay!), and enjoying being outside myself. Maybe more walking, a little Bebel Gilberto, and some massive cheesy pasta dish later when the coqui frogs start making noise and let me know (again) that all IS really as it should be and I can relax into that notion. (I must admit, animals seem to make up my “higher power” to a large extent: doves, frogs, crickets, and my dogs, to name a few.)

Happy Sunday, all. Small part of a big, big, big reality, is my mantra today. And, let it go, let it go, let it go. 🙂

Going through the motions/new directions

25 Sep

8:27 pm

Yesterday and today, I basically took one big break from my freelance writing stuff to actually look for other work down here. And, I’m mostly OK with that. Yeah, I feel like I’ve given up too soon (and, I haven’t even given up, I’ve just decided to pursue a few new, non-writing-related things–oh, me), but if you don’t have the story ideas, or the editorial connections, or, worse, the ambition to go out and get both; then, you have to accept what is. Which is this, right here.

Don’t get me wrong: I am full, and glad, and relatively content. I have gotten through some things, over some major hurdles, professionally. Yet, if I had more drive, I could have done SO much more by now. I just could have. I haven’t, and it’s a daily struggle for me not to beat myself up, get down, or become anxious about “squandered opportunities,” blah blah blah. It’s a daily game I have to play, massaging my thoughts and redirecting them into a positive direction (look at what you HAVE gotten done, it’s going to take a LOT more work so just keep plugging, baby steps, one thing at a time, etc.).

I will bounce back, it’s just going to take some time. And more patience than I ever thought myself capable of, toward myself. What a novelty, having patience with myself! What a novelty, congratulating her for the little victories, even allowing her a treat after those seemingly-miniscule wins! (Yesterday’s was a big bowl of chocolate-covered pretzels, raisins, and walnuts–something I never allowed myself due to expense and well, fat content. Oh, me.)

So while yesterday was about (painfully) going through the motions, today was about new directions. Somehow I snapped out of my funk, mustered some old enthusiasm, and got out there. I went to a bakery (assistant), a hotel, a restaurant association (server), and a private school (substitute teacher/teaching assistant). We’ll see where I land. It’s different–MUCH different–from what I’m used to (white collar, information-age jobs), but c’est la vie, right? It also just makes me realize how few actual skills I have! Sure, I can surf the interwebs with the best of them and type 60 words per minute–and write about scientific research from the (dis)comfort of my office chair–but…what do I actually KNOW HOW TO DO? It’s a wake-up call, for sure.

I’m ambivalent, to say the least. Or, maybe just indifferent. At this point, I need to start making more money. Not to mention, I need a break from sitting in front of my monitor, spinning my wheels all day.

Today, I felt pretty good. Like, my old, confident self. On my walk tonight (I have cut out all running and any activity that will unnecessarily contract my butt and groin muscles, as part of the sciatica healing process–talk about patience…Grrrrr), I thought, and with some clarity: maybe this whole getting “sober” thing has been a huge mindfuck? I mean, sometimes I really do think that the sheer act of thinking about all this shit, of unnecessarily pathologizing my drinking problem, has caused me a whole lot of counterproductive navel-gazing and personal stalling. I can’t help but think, Enough already. So I drank. So I did stupid shit while drunk. Remind me again why I had to spend the past 16 months thinking about it all? Honestly, a part of me believes that it’s the pathologizing that sets us back. It’s made me feel broken, unable, incapable, weak. It made me doubt myself down to the very fiber of my being. Was that the intention? Did it have to be the case? Was it something that I did to myself, me alone? Or, is it normal when you quit drinking?

In any case, I’m kind of over this recovery shit. Sorry to say, but that’s the way I feel about it right now. Will I drink again? I don’t know. It’s a passing thought. I don’t have the urge, but a part of me continues to wonder: would I get some of that focus and fire and drive and passion back, if I did?

Like I said, just a passing thought–oops, there it goes. Buh-bye.

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