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Facebook-free 2017

11:23 am

Well, I’m doin’ it. Finally. It’s been 1 week and almost 4 days since I logged onto Facebook. Like, I literally have not logged in. I decided that “deactivating” was not the route I wanted to take (in quotes because one, do you really disappear on the back end, and two, all you have to do to “reactivate” your account is log back in!).

And you know what? I feel good. Like, really good.

Yes, I feel out of it; and, I’m not sure I can maintain such a distance from my professional sphere for THAT long–personal and professional are intricately intertwined in journalism, and probably other metiers, too. I don’t mean or want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I don’t want to disappear–I still want a career, and to be present in said career. And to be present in the world of information is to have it, and to dish it out.

That all being acknowledged (obsessively, over and over), I’m learning to let all these fearful thoughts go because, well, I feel better.

I must admit, I feel that sort of righteous self-satisfaction that is similar to how you feel when you get sober. I also have this sense of a load having been taken off; I am no longer burdened with YOUR LIVES. Other people’s lives. So many other lives to ping me, enrage me, give me joy–I guess it was just too much, and I took it home with me. Now, I just have this sense of relief, this screaming cheer in my head that keeps saying, I don’t have to take my friends home with me! Haha. I get to focus on MY life. Sure, it’s boring as shit sometimes, but… it’s my life. Isn’t it worth as much appreciation–time and effort–as I’ve been putting into other people’s lives? (And, now I really do see how this is related to drinking to drown out: you tend to put yourself second, then you feel un- or under-appreciated; not to mention, you have ZERO actual connection, and reciprocity, in your relationships if they are primarily virtual ones…all stuff that drives us to drink to soothe, fix, drown out, douse, hide from! I say, No shit, sherlock, now, but back then, how everything was connected and impacted my drinking seemed so…inaccessible.)

I also think it’s given me the head space, literally, to start digging in on some personal writing projects. And that digging in entails a lot of things that you forget, as a writer, are necessities to the creative process–one being the time and well, empty-headedness to actually think. Or not think, as it were. To conjure memories. To dream up random plots, or have deeper thoughts that may have been buried, drowned out by all the incessant noise. The chitter-chatter is gone, and it’s a relief. The endless drone of increasingly source-less information (i.e., why the eff is THIS in my feed, and is it even real news?), over.

I decided NOT to deactivate because to me, that’s like giving the bird to your friends. I mean, it’s rude. It’s like, NO ONE keeps in touch via phone or email anymore, we all know this; so if you’re going to ghost but don’t mean to, at least have the courtesy to give people your “off Facebook” contact info. Otherwise, you’re just ghosting. That’s not what I want to gain from this–as it is, I feel guilty just “abandoning” some of my friends, i.e., not keeping up… I just can’t anymore, is all. And, it feels good, albeit a little scary, to let go.

I don’t know for how long this will be; maybe long enough to clear the cobwebs from my head, maybe longer. I’m just going to keep going, and see where it takes me. (Kind of like getting sober, no?)

Tags: controlled by Facebook, controlled by social media, Facebook, Facebook addiction, getting off Facebook, getting off social media, giving up Facebook, giving up social media, social media, social media addiction

Comments 19 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Friendships, Goals, Psychology, Random, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

There are lulls, but never lows

5 Nov

2:02 pm

In sobriety, there are lulls–such as the rather lengthy one I’m going through now–but never lows. I mean, not the kind of lows I had while drinking. In fact, I’d say sobriety is really one (life)long high, with lulls.

Right now, I’m trying to regain some energy or focus or something that I feel I’ve lost. Or, lost within. I’m not off caffeine yet, and I’m still running around (figuratively), doing work to make money and not doing writing to make myself fulfilled.

All in due time. I’m not too worried–it’s always there, and it’ll always come back, if it’s not there right now, the desire or essential nature that drives me to write. Mostly, it requires stillness of mind, of heart, and of body. That is lacking, and in part, it is lacking because I’ve chosen to create a space of constant activity–because writers can be sort of effed up, I’m doing that in order to not HAVE to write. Sad, but true. Still, I want to want to write, if that makes sense.

I just spent most of October traveling, and now, I’m back to my “old” life here and it feels…like it did six months ago. I’m trying not to go there, and to remember that I can change it by staying active. However, at some point, I have to figure out how to balance staying insanely active/busy with sufficient “still” time for reflection and writing. It seems so either/or to me right now, and I’m struggling, I guess, to figure this out.

One thing that I’ve noticed throughout this lull (maybe even depression) is that you CAN, with practice, re-frame your thoughts and thereby, divert your mood. Distractions help, but I’m finding that simply narrowing in on the rogue thoughts and literally thinking myself out of them helps me more than a reward here, a distracting treat there. I need to work and stay on track; I can’t stay on track if I’m thinking things that are making me feel negative (doubting myself, wondering about the future, feeling vexed that I am not writing or creating). So, I try to catch myself and think other things, other outcomes, other possibilities.

I am not on that pink cloud anymore, but I think that’s because I re-entered the world of the living a few years ago, and increasingly, it’s made my life feel normal. Normal is good, though. I’d rather feel normal and be out and about, able to deal with the world; than on a pink cloud, in my imagined bubble.

So, I keep working, and trying to write, through it all. And I hope (believe) that it is or will somehow, some day, be enough. I would never call this a low, though. And I would never want to distract myself from the struggle–which in itself is enlivening because it is an active one, now that I see how I need to use my mind to control its tendencies toward the complicated or negative–with a drink. And, frankly, I look at my old friends and think, how on EARTH could you still be doing that? And, doubly frankly, I wonder, how does it even work on your brain anymore, after all these years (almost 10 years, and definitely 7 or 8, for most of my drinking buddies from the time right before I got sober)???

Time to turn it off and get back to my day. Much love to all. Thanks for reading…! 🙂

Tags: addicted to caffeine, addicted to coffee, caffeine, low, lull, pink cloud

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Depression, Psychology, Random, Recovery, Sobriety, Writing

Time to get sober–from caffeine

25 Jul

2:07 pm

Is it just me, or is caffeine (coffee, in particular) sort of like alcohol? I mean, in the way I fixate on it, drink WAY too much of it, and regret both after the fact?

I know someone who is in recovery who drinks a TON of it, and I can’t help but wonder, is it because his mood is low (drinking too much alcohol over a long period of time leads to dopamine surges leads to, ultimately, the brain being unable to produce this feel-good hormone in regularly sufficient amounts–leaving you feeling depressed, tired, and unmotivated, to name a few), or if he just does EVERYTHING the way an addict does: too much, constantly, in fear of the comedown/reality.

I mean, I know how much coffee he ingests (I serve him most mornings), and I’m guessing he is buzzed ALL the time, unless he’s sleeping. I’m not THAT bad, but in my own way, I am. Starting to feel that bad.

The thing is, I went for a decade not needing–and finally, not wanting–coffee! I worked, and wrote, and got sober, all without caffeine. Now? I can’t–no, don’t want to–go through my work-a-day life without coffee. And worse? I FEAR not being able to work my coffee shop shift, let alone start freelancing (successfully, at least) again, without coffee. I FEAR being utterly unable to write without coffee. That thought in and of itself scares me.

I’ve got some reconfiguring to do. It hasn’t been easy, stopping freelancing and working this (boring) job, and all the while, slowly but surely becoming addicted to what I see as a roadblock to my creativity. Call me a purist, but I don’t LIKE having to rely on a buzz to be able to think with fire and write with passion. In fact–and, call me a masochist–I think that in order to find true fire and passion, you have to do it sober. And that means, totally sober.

Sigh. Shaking my head at how black-and-white I sound.

Still. I felt proud when I was off coffee. Pure. More me. And, much less afraid. And, ultimately, if I’m feeling all this, and having all this mental chatter about a cup of bean water?

Needless to say, I have to do what’s right for me–even if it sounds crazy to almost everyone else out there who has gotten sober (I don’t know ANYONE who doesn’t drink coffee after they’ve gotten sober).

I’m tired of it. I’m going off caffeine because, well, I FEEL like I “do” it addictively. Not saying it’s bad, or it’s bad to drink it the way I do; I just feel like I felt better, and more positive, and had MORE ideas and energy, without this drug in my system.

I’ll keep y’all posted!

Tags: addicted to caffeine, addicted to coffee, caffeine, coffee

Comments 18 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Random, Recovery, Sobriety

Do you still miss drinking?

21 May

10:16 am

Well, that’s a question, isn’t it? My boyfriend and I were driving to the beach the other day, or back from some boat trip, and he was like, Do you ever miss drinking, or still want to drink? Or, do you just not talk (complain) about it anymore?

Hmm. I really had to think about it. I’ve been thinking about drinking, and sobriety, but I just haven’t been coalescing those thoughts into posts. And, as you guys know, it’s partly because life has gotten busy, work-wise. I’m still working remotely for the company I was at, and I’m also working three to four days a week at the same local coffee shop. And, frankly, it’s still not enough money, considering my ever-present student loan debt, future goals and dreams, and well, life is expensive. But, it’s comforting to know that I do have spending money (the lattes money), and I don’t feel “guilty” buying trips, new shoes, and expensive food items once in a while. As Peter Tosh sang, most of us are livin’ small.

The other reason I haven’t been blogging is this irritant factor. It’s like, I’d rather just not think about not drinking anymore. But, I DO think about it, all the time. It’s just changing. It’s weird. While I miss getting sober–there is definitely a “high” to achieving and sustaining a longish-term sobriety, and I’d say that lasts up to years–I do have to accept that I’m beyond that. The pink cloud still rests above my head, it’s just sort of faded.

I mean, yes, when I see people come into the coffee bar at 5:30 (my start time–ouch), STILL FLAMING DRUNK and having incoherent and emotional arguments with each other, I cringe inside; and then, I breathe a sigh of relief. And that relief doesn’t ever go away; in fact, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I have to admit, in my darker hours, or my agro ones after the caffeine buzz wears off and I get “hangry,” a small part of me feels smug about it–just a little bit. Mainly, though, this sense of relief, of being FAR, far away from the urge to binge drink/drink alcoholically–it’s a constant, gracious presence. I feel gratitude all the time. For not feeling the urge to drink, ever, really. And for never, ever having to be hungover like that again.

What I don’t feel is the excitement in congratulating myself anymore. And, I suppose that’s a good thing. Life is just life, it doesn’t have to revolve around this idea of “me being or getting sober, or being pleased with me being or getting sober.” You know?

However, then my boyfriend hits me with that question, and it stirs up the fact that I haven’t forgotten about my sobriety at all, and I have to say: Yes. Yes, I do still think about drinking. Yes, I do still want to drink once in a while, when I encounter a very powerful (to me) trigger. When? Well, let’s just say, on a boat trip, when I feel jealous (ugh) of all the hot, young girls with their flat bellies (well, I never had a flat belly, even in my 20s). On that same boat trip, toward the end, when my insecurity about being “old” has been sufficiently compounded by the sense that I’m not only “old,” I’m also boring–that’s when I really start to feel grumpy and want to drink. I feel sorry for myself. It’s residual though, like a long lost limb from a faraway ancestor–I can intellectualize it away, and realize that it’s just a feeling. Still, I do feel tired of being the “narc.” (In fact, at the last beach bar we stopped at on this “for example” boat trip, I ordered a virgin tropical drink, and the guy goes, “I die a little every time someone orders said tropical drink without the rum.” And I look up, pissed, and I go, “Well, I die a little every time I drink rum. So, what do ya got for me?” He wasn’t displeased, but he was definitely taken aback. He ended up adding coconut water, and let me tell you, it was pretty damn tasty!)

I have to stress, and this is most important as my sobriety lengthens: it’s not that I want to get drunk. It’s just that I want to…not be sober. When I see a friend of mine, doing it up in the big city we used to live in together, drinking drinking drinking all over the place, every night; I feel…some sort of loss. I know it comes back to this fear of missing out, or my OLD ideas and notions about how to “have fun” or “have a good life.” My OLD ideas of me.

I don’t miss getting drunk. What I, Drunky Drunk Girl, miss is the ability to instantly and effortlessly escape my seriousness. The world. Daily, “hum drum” life. Some might call it a lack of free spiritedness, an “always in my head”-ness, a sobriety of thought, or, an overwhelming thoughtfulness. Maybe it’s simply neuroticism: the tendency to overthink negative (and positive?) thoughts. Maybe I can call it depression, as this lingers. I don’t know. But, I do miss being able to “be that fun girl.” Of course, I know I can be that fun girl in other ways, and that frankly, I WAS NEVER THAT FUN GIRL when I was drinking. But, the constructs and stories we tell ourselves linger on and on into our sober years–and it really does take a constant checking in to right, correct, re-mold these ideas. And, yeah, the peer pressure is always going to be there unless you check in and say, Fuck that, I rock. SO MUCH HARDER NOW THAT I’M SOBER.

So, no, I never want to get drunk. But, yes, I still do want to “not be me.” Or, be that fun girl. Or, escape from my sober life. And, I guess that’s what we give up in exchange for constancy of mood, deep knowledge of self, and the GIFT of being able to look forward, with relatively laser focus, on our lives–and to make plans that suit us, lift us, and maximize our potential. That is worth a thousand nights of drinking, and a million mornings of being hungover.

Comments 26 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Boredom, Change, Cravings, Fun, Gratitude, Random, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers, Work, Writing

I’m home..and kind of tired

23 Apr

12:37 pm

I’ve been “home” for a few weeks now. And, well, admittedly, I’ve been feeling tired, and sort of alone; and realized (again) today that despite all that “sober” work, I’m still me: I have trouble reaching out to people. And that I really need to do that. And that it’s the only thing that leads to feeling a part of things, of life, of community. Duh. Well, not duh to people “like us,” who, for whatever reasons (natural hermits, fear, self-consciousness, “drinking thinking”), find it really hard. It’s hard. But, once you get over that hump–I did it once and I am going to do it again, get over that hump–life greatly improves on SO MANY LEVELS.

So, yeah, I’m home (from where I was for a work contract for that past 7.5 months). And, it’s kind of cool that I consider this place my “home” now, if not a little scary–I don’t really love familiarity. Anyway, I flew home about 3.5 weeks ago–and have been struggling ever since to figure out my new, well, everything. New (old) home, new (old, well, current because they are letting me work remotely right now) job, new (old) schedule, new (old) climate (I have to say, going from 20% humidity on the regular to 80% when it’s not raining hasn’t been that easy). It’s been a lot of things, but tiring and confusing come to mind. Life is tiring and confusing, and I think I’m just extra tired and confused right now. Haha.

Tiring. It’s all happening at once, and I want to do it all at once. That means, writing a book (! just gotta try), writing stories, writing a business plan (! just gotta try) so I can open a coffee shop of my own, all amidst trying to figure out the rhythm of life here, again. It’s kind of maddening in that, I put SO much effort into leaving, and I left, and now, I’m back, and it feels like I didn’t leave.

(The one thing I learned that I’m blindly, almost, clinging to right now is this: what you FEEL and what you BELIEVE or THINK you know, is usually wrong, or at best, doesn’t align with what actually IS, or with what actually WILL BE. Haha. So, I’m just going to put all this thinking into a box on the shelf and come back to it later.)

Depressing. Well, maybe I’m finally coming out of my depression? I don’t even know exactly how I feel. I will say that my depressive symptoms have eased now that I’m not chasing around constantly, stressing continuously, and well, now that I’m actually eating normally again. My diet was horrible there–I was literally starving myself for the past 7.5 months. Like, 80% consciously aware of it, the other 20% a combination of denial and depression, I think. (Eating disorders are definitely deeply ingrained behaviors, and for me, even more buried and hard to discern and examine and change than binge drinking behaviors. At least with drinking, you know that it’s fucking you up; with bulimia, or restrictive eating, it’s the opposite effect in that you THINK it’s improving your life, somehow–and then you come to depend on how it makes you think and feel about yourself, and not just your life. So weird.)

Enlivening. Well, it’s great to be home, in a (almost too) familiar place, with my boo, my dogs, and job prospects that I left…and that I just have to plug myself back into. I have to rev up to do it, is all. Why?

The ever-looming conflict for me is this: do you just plug back in when you know that moving on might be the more challenging thing to do? The thing that makes you grow, change, learn, expand?

More later. That’s about all the time I have (I have to do something for work, and then, do errands–the never-ending to-do list of coming home…). Miss you all. (Oh, and no thoughts of drinking since being home; none. I’ve been tossing around the idea of just forgetting about the entire “getting sober” thing of the past FOUR years, but, how? And, why would I? Should I? I can’t let it go. I can’t, and that’s OK.)

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Life, Random, Recovery, Sobriety

Just working

2 Mar

10:49 am

Hi, all! I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: sorry for being MIA on here. I just can’t seem to “find” the time to blog, and maybe, just maybe, I don’t enjoy ruminating about drinking and the desire or lack thereof. It’s just not a part of my life anymore.

What IS a big part of my life is working; or rather, making ends meet as a writer. Holy cow, is it stressful. I thought by now, three years in, it’d be different, but it isn’t: I still spend most days either worried, slightly anxious, or at least thinking about “how am I going to make money this month?” Granted, I have some magazines that I write for regularly now, which I’m proud to say, but frankly, it’s only as good as the ability and desire and gumption to keep up and pitch story ideas. (And the fact of the magazine’s existence: they come and go.) Everything I write comes from my own head, or the research I do, and lately, I’ve been like, Uh. I can only work so fast, and the pay is so little that even IF I work my little butt off (which I have been doing for the past about seven months, ever since I got back from my volunteer writing trip), it still doesn’t fully cover my bills. Forget about dinners out, vacations, and new running shoes. (Now that I write that, it doesn’t seem like this can be defined as a “success,” this freelance thing; le sigh.)

Hence, I’ve learned how to barista (which I’m also proud of) and am now employed by at least one coffee shop, maybe two (I’m heading over there today to train).

So, that’s what’s up here. Just working, and working, and working–and wondering, does it have to be this hard?

The answer, obviously, is no. But, saying no is different than doing no; doing no takes ramping up for a job search and a move, which we are, but slowly. Since freelancing feels like a continual job search, it’s become hard for me to stomach a literal one. I’ve begun again, though, and am targeting, oh, I don’t know, a few months down the road. (This year is going by SO fast, isn’t it? I can’t believe it’s March already!?)

Otherwise, all is well. Still running, still truly enjoying the warm breezes and glorious amounts of sun (I swear, sun has become my new alcohol–except it’s a good medicine that actually works). Dogs are great, and my boyfriend and I are still going strong. I have all this because, and only because, I am sober.

I still seem to have friends who either chose not to get it, choose not to get it, or somehow dislike the fact that I’ve gotten sober, picked myself up, and am rocking the freelance thing. Including my brother. The brother-his girlfriend situation has died down to the point that neither he nor I make the effort to relate. I’ve just given up, and for the better; I can’t be in a relationship like that. For me, continuing to try to have a relationship with someone who very much still seems pissed at me, or lies about being pissed, or just acts in a passive-aggressive manner by not calling me–eh, I’ve been there, done that, and the longer I’m sober, the longer I don’t want to try with people like that. There are so many people, and when you get sober, you get to see them for who they really are–and that’s a GOOD thing.

Socializing is still a bit strange as a sober person, mainly because I’ve found myself to be, well, guarded. I don’t know how much to give, and I tend to hold back. And, frankly, I want to. I want to remain guarded. Something about not really having the desire to get involved with other people’s drama? It’s still too tiring and too distracting for me right now, and so while I’ll engage with people and socialize once in a while, it gets really hard for me when they start to complain or gossip. I’m not sure, I used to love to complain and gossip, but now it just seems like…a huge waste of space! Like head space, heart space, sober space. I’m working on it, and I’m definitely getting out more and feeling more and more like my “old self” these days–not so overly sensitive and “I’m sober! I’m sober!” I think it might be that I haven’t found “my people” where I’m living, and while my boyfriend would argue that it’s for my lack of trying, the past seven months have proved to me one thing: there IS a certain type of person who moves to a place like this. So, yeah, that part is not a piece of cake yet. All in due time.

My slip last October totally re-solidified my desire to stay sober: drinking literally does not work on my brain anymore. Next? It’s become as simple as that. I’ve wanted to drink a few times the past six or seven months, and I’ve sipped white wine once or twice, but each time, I immediately felt dehydrated, confused, and well, was terrified of being hung over the next day. Call it what you will, but for me, this has been an essential ingredient in re-training my brain toward not simply sobriety, but healthy coping skills.

I’m learning to much more quickly let go–literally, stop thinking, or stop acknowledging negative thinking loops–of thoughts that don’t serve me. Are these thoughts moving me forward? No? Stop thinking them. I don’t have time right now to let negative thoughts slow me down, is all. I just can’t afford it, literally.

And, I’m working on embracing the ups and downs of my emotional life. I used to run, terrified, from sadness, or boredom, or existential crises. Now? I am realizing that it’s OK to feel sad, bored, or terribly bored (ennui?). It’s OK, I don’t have to NEVER feel these things. I think I spent a lot of years always trying to live the best life, and “party on” through all the muck, but really, the muck is there, and it’s probably there for a reason…? I don’t know, maybe I just need precision medicine, like, antidepressants or something external to re-balance my neurochemistry. It’s an ongoing conversation with self, and one that I’ll probably write about in the future.

So, on that note, I gotta run! Love to all, and I promise, more posts to come more frequently!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, coping skills, drinking, freelance writing, recovery, self-employment, sober, sobriety, update, wine, women, work, writing

Comments 11 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Life, Random, Recovery, Self-employment, Sobriety, Work, Writing

Up for air

21 Dec

1:03 pm

I just wanted to come up for air and say, hello! I’m still here, and pretty much just working, living, and loving.

I haven’t posted in about a month! Mainly, I’ve been seriously busy working a part-time job and another full-time-ish one as a freelance writer. Partly, however, I must admit that I simply haven’t wanted to engage in what feels like alcoholic behavior: identifying AS my problem and relating things that are happening now to my past–in a circular way that doesn’t feel like it serves me anymore. One of my tricks to getting out of my bad moods is to ACT and not think. YES, it’s important to recognize when a thought is worth addressing and when it’s simply just a thought pattern that isn’t. I know that most of the time, the mood dips can be SOLVED, and don’t have to be embraced, analyzed, or even accepted.

I have a lot of work to do, so I’m going to just sign off. I know there is a huge post coming about what MUST be said: I’m coming to no longer identify with “being” an “alcoholic.” AND, the hard part, I’m finding: extracting myself from this mental situation. Yes, I had a problem and yes, I still have no desire to drink the way I drank and to be the way I was. That is a given. However, can I not hold that close and, simultaneously, not get agitated every time I try to approach it? I’m not sure.

Happy holidays week, all! I’ve missed you, I have to say! Time to start working through some of this weirdness.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, identifying as an alcoholic, identity, psychology, recovery, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 14 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Random, Recovery, Sobriety

Social media–helpful or harmful?

16 Aug

8:46 am

Ahh, social media. Suffice to say, I think we all have love-hate relationships with it.

Lately, I have been quiet: head down, working, job searching, and really, simply trying to enjoy life outside of the computer screen once I actually manage to turn it off. The writing is on the wall (literally, since I’m a writer) that, while I like what I do–and it’s brought me a lot of pride and sense of accomplishment to have made my living for two years as a freelancer–I don’t earn enough money! I mean, I won’t bore you with the deets again, but I simply need to earn more. And, we’re not talking a little bit more; we’re talking, graduate student loans and supplemental income for my mom and buying a vineyard in Greece before I turn 50 more! I have always been driven, and responsible when it comes to earning my keep–I never received help from my parents. However, these past two years have put me nearly in the red (I am past red, let’s face it).

All that aside, I am doing well. Feeling strong. Recovering from my trip (where I acquired a mosquito-borne illness that among other things, I think, has been contributing to me feeling like the bug and not the windshield many days this month). In a weaker moment, I stood in front of the shelves of wine bottles at the grocery store for about 15 minutes one night, I was feeling that desperate to “fix” my depression.

BUT, my practically sole sane thought was the loudest of the bunch: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? Like, what happens after that first bottle, practically speaking? Another bottle? Another $10? Another one? Again, another $10? It really is amazing to find myself thinking rationally about this, to be able to be MINDFUL enough to think past the craving and say, Self, this is not a solution; this IS THE PROBLEM.

I started blogging about getting sober over two years ago. I am on Facebook and will remain on Facebook for professional reasons. I have been able to dodge Twitter, mainly, but not at a cost to my professional life–it’s a cost I’m willing to pay, in exchange for my sanity. I don’t do Instagram, but I think it’d be more difficult to resist if I had a data plan on my phone (which I don’t, because I don’t earn enough money as a freelance writer, which I MIGHT, actually, if I was on Twitter–you see where this rabbit hole is going).

I’m not a stranger to social media, and all the benefits it offers. However, lately, social media has had me perplexed. Vexed. It feels inauthentic, and what’s more, empty. I think that participating in an echo chamber like Twitter, or Facebook, or yes, even these blogs–while amazingly helpful–can be part of the problem. This “thinking problem” that seems to be part of the reason we self-soothe with alcohol, or other substances. We are already so much in our heads–afflicted by ruminative, navel-gazing tendencies–is social media making this better, or worse? Even if it’s GOOD navel-gazing, is it ever really, for “people like us?” For people who need to Turn It Off, more or less? I understand there is a fine line between denial and mindfulness, and I’m having a hard time seeing it these days.

I guess this is why I’ve stayed off this blog for almost two weeks now? I just feel like…forever hashing it out–well, it’s just not working for me the way it used to. Maybe I need to collect myself and move onto a new project? We’ll see…

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: after the initial contact–getting sober, seeing your faults, comparing and contrasting everything you do to drinking and then, to abstinence–it’s OK to simply let it go. It really is OK to let it go.

On that note, I’m going to sign off and do just that. 🙂

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, echo chamber, freelance writing, mindfulness, navel-gazing, recovery, ruminating, ruminating on sobriety, self-employment, self-focused, social media sucks, talking about yourself, thinking problem, wine, women, work

Comments 12 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Life, Mindfulness, Random, Recovery, Self-employment, Sobriety, Work, Writing

Words, words, words

4 May

11:44 am

Well, that was interesting. I just got off Facebook and this blog and blah blah blah. Words, words, words. If anyone understands the peril of relying too heavily on words to explain, define, or clarify, it’s me!

You know, lately I’ve been feeling uncomfortable with all “social” media. Without going into it too much, it triggers me. I guess I have residual anxiety, but even anticipating a response–any kind–to a Facebook post, or a blog post, or an email makes me feel…uneasy. I don’t need this, and neither does my sobriety.

I’ve also been really struggling with the navel-gazing aspect to sobriety and to writing about the process of getting sober. Maybe I’ve been doing it too long and simply need a break. Let it be known that all is well, and words are only words–they can’t even come close to expressing the infinity of every moment, let alone of a life lived. All I can say is, this is a new post, and a new day, and I might simply stop writing about my sobriety in favor of writing about other stuff on here–or not! We’ll see.

On that note, I’m going to the beach. Or for a walk. Either would be great, as long as it doesn’t involve my brain. 🙂

Remember: your drinking and your sobriety, as a story source once told me, is only a part of your life. It’s not the whole story, that’s for sure. YOU have control over how you construct your reality. Today, my reality will consist of sun, sand, a very quieted mind, laundry, cleaning, quieting the mind again, job searching (ugh!), volunteer searching (yay!), and enjoying being outside myself. Maybe more walking, a little Bebel Gilberto, and some massive cheesy pasta dish later when the coqui frogs start making noise and let me know (again) that all IS really as it should be and I can relax into that notion. (I must admit, animals seem to make up my “higher power” to a large extent: doves, frogs, crickets, and my dogs, to name a few.)

Happy Sunday, all. Small part of a big, big, big reality, is my mantra today. And, let it go, let it go, let it go. 🙂

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, drinking, higher power, mindfulness, psychology, recovery, sober, sober Sunday, sobriety, social media, social media trigger, tired of thinking about drinking, tired of thinking about sobriety, tired of writing about drinking, tired of writing about sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 12 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Higher Power, Life, Mindfulness, Psychology, Random, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

Fuck you, and, I’d rather have ice cream

3 May

8:48 pm

Those were the two thoughts, in that order, that helped me STEP AWAY from the bottles of wine lining the shelves in the “wine aisle” last night, as I gazed at them, pretty much ready to buy.

Fuck you (sort of), to my brother and his girlfriend–who continue to disparage my sobriety. I’ll show you!

I’d rather have ice cream, chocolate chip to be precise. And, honestly, I did. Whenever I think about buying a bottle of wine these days (it’s happened a handful of times; I probably should simply take the option 100 percent off the table, otherwise it’s just going to start fucking with my head), I find that I am somewhat overwhelmed. WHICH one? God, there are so many. White, or red? Cork, or screw top? And, then, this almost-feeling of “wine tired.” You know, that feeling of drinking being more utterly exhausting than fun. Like, I actually almost start to dread it–I feel anxious in my belly–the second I start to truly imagine me drinking a glass, then another, then a third: flushed face (my face turned red a lot when I drank red wine, maybe I was literally allergic?), sour stomach, dizziness, shortness of breath, and a general sense of confusion. Exhausting keeping my thoughts straight, keeping my piss in, keeping my fake interest in the people around me. Exhausting! Hence, I’d just rather have ice cream. Ice cream is better.

I know the first thing is not good, because it just shows how hard it is for me to LET IT FUCKING GO, this resentment. Deep breath, I keep telling myself, imagine them in a good light. Yet, when I know that they are not only still hating on me, but ACTIVELY doing so (I have since blocked BOTH of them on Facebook and email–sad), it makes it hard for me not to go to my unhappy place when I think of them in their unhappy place.

In any case, that was that. And it helped me. I didn’t buy a bottle, and I’m still on track. I know I won’t drink until my 40th, which is in June. And, then…well, I guess I’ve sort of made 500 days my new goal, which happens to fall conveniently (easy to remember) on July 31.

I had a great day. LOTS of physical activity. It’s carnival season down here, and I went to the parade with a friend. The first time I went to the parade (two years ago), I drank three beers really fast and got “beer drunk grumpy.” It was no fun. This year? God, SO happy to be bright-eyed; SO happy to wear my new sundress and be comfortable in my skin; SO happy to feel calm and not dizzy and not tired on the inside and not confused. So happy, period. I know I said that I’m sort of getting sick of relating everything to being sober, but it’s hard not to compare and contrast how I was then, and how I am now. And that, it really is because I am not drinking anymore. Period.

(PS: Last night, I had a dream that I was looking for a bottle of wine. I felt frantic–where the fuck is the wine around here?–and ended up in big store, like Kmart or something. The lights were half off, they were getting ready to close. There was literally NO wine on the shelves, maybe three bottles or so. I felt embarrassed, like, I can’t buy the LAST bottle, that would look desperate! But, I felt desperate. So, I was debating it, and the lights were going out, and then…my DOG shows up, sniffing around my feet, patrolling me. Don’t do it, the universe was saying. Wait, since my dog is here, was my boyfriend in the parking lot? Was he, too, looking for me, trying to prevent me from buying a bottle? Don’t do it. I woke up and was like, Jeez, Universe! OK, I got the memo.)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, drinking dreams, God shot, ice cream, psychology, recovery, resentment, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 14 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Happiness, Health, Psychology, Random, Recovery, Sobriety

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Drunky Drunk Girl

There are lulls, but never lows

Time to get sober–from caffeine

Do you still miss drinking?

I’m home..and kind of tired

Just working

Up for air

Fuck you, and, I’d rather have ice cream

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