binge drinking | Drunky Drunk Girl

Tag Archives: binge drinking

Three strikes and I’m out? Fell off the wagon again…

1:10 pm

…and I’m seriously not happy about this.

Peer pressure. Fuck me! Well, peer pressure combined with a restlessness that I’m sure I’m blaming on everyone but myself. And I don’t mean to, which makes me feel quite sad with myself. It’s not you, it’s me. For real. Yes, I do feel restless and unsure about the next step(s) in my life, and this is NOT EASY to deal with sober, let alone drunk. Fuck me, though.

So, I don’t have many friends down here and/or a life of my own (if I move down, I think I’ll put more of an effort into seeking this out), so when two girlfriends of my boyfriend popped over and pressured me (Come on, just one glass!) to drink a glass of red with them, I caved. I caved! WTF? They don’t know that I’m trying to get sober, have NO IDEA what a mess I am when it comes to drinkin’, don’t understand (they seem to be still livin’ it up, drinking-wise), and were just trying to be friendly. I can’t believe I took the bait, though, especially after ALL the social gatherings of late (a wedding, for fuck’s sake!) I’ve endured sober. I must be seriously insecure… Or, maybe just searching for a sense of belonging here. But, yeah, that’s how easy it is to relapse, convincing myself that it’s OK to have “just one,” if, like, I really don’t feel like drinking anyway (yeah, right) and I’m at home and it’s safe and I’m with friends.

I might have cracked on my own, though, since I felt bored, bland, restless, lacking in creativity (i.e., have not accomplished much creatively speaking in a long time, which is grinding away at my conscience — more on that later), etc. I mean, I was in a bad mood and wanted to give the finger to it all.

Anyway, it was totally downhill after that first glass…might as well drink another bottle or two, right? Yeah, right. Now? I feel depressed, nothing’s changed, my boyfriend is pissed, I am crushed at my lack of discipline and possibly having let him down/hurt him AGAIN, and well, I feel hung the fuck over. Was it worth it? Of course, it wasn’t.

Suck it and see? Twice now. I don’t want the third time to happen. I just don’t. I guess I simply cannot drink normally. Then again, I always only seem to drink when I feel bad, depressed or frustrated with my life. Maybe it’d turn out differently…NO! It won’t. Like, I was already thinking about the second bottle (not glass, bottle) before I even finished my first glass. That’s just…weird. That’s just compulsion defined, that’s what that is.

I’m worried, actually, what I’ll end up doing these days. Apparently, I didn’t get crazy in front of the girls, but I know my bf is pissed, so maybe I gave him hell in the bedroom before I passed out? Or, maybe I just passed out? Ugh.

Need new coping mechanisms. Really, really do. This shit ain’t working anymore, especially when the drunky drunk time is not fun either (I remember feeling even more restless, pissy, angry, frustrated, sad/depressed while drunk than before I started drinking). Meh.

And, to top it all off, I’m hung over. AND, I have to start over counting days. Which is why this blog is about “getting sober” and not “being sober,” I suppose. Forgive myself and move forward is all I can do…

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, cravings, depression, drinking, drinking buddies, hangover, hung over, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Depression, Hangover, Social Anxiety

So, I fell off the wagon last night…

13 Aug

10:16 pm

…and the same shit that always happens, happened. I drank, blacked out, yelled at/harassed my boyfriend (among other classic “me” moves, like, getting into bed wet from the pool — yes, I went swimming in my blackout in the middle of the fucking night), tried to drink more but luckily, couldn’t get the bottle open, passed out naked on the couch only to wake up and stumble into the bedroom. Woke up with a raging hangover, one that reminded me just how much I HATE hangovers.

Sure, I’m disappointed, but I’m not taking it into tomorrow. Yeah, it sucks, but it’s also made me that much more committed to not letting it happen again.

And, was it even fun? No! I remember feeling…weird, I guess, after the first glass. Dizzy. The second made my brain feel numb, emotionless — quite literally, depressed. The whole point was to make me feel less depressed, and I didn’t even get the buzz! Either it didn’t work or I wouldn’t let myself show it in front of my boyfriend, who tried to stop me from opening the bottle and then had to watch me drink it and wonder how much time he had between that moment and when I’d black out and turn on him… I felt dissociated from myself, as if I was watching myself get drunk, watching myself unable to stop talking, watching myself “play” with the parrot. I remember yelling at my boyfriend for a while, going in for the second bottle (which was half full)…and then I blacked out. Per fucking usual.

The last thing I remember was going in for the white, but not actually drinking it. I don’t remember going for a swim or coming into the bedroom and continually turning the light on and off, talking at and/or yelling at my boyfriend more, passing out naked on the couch, or leaving a used pantyliner in the pool. Eww. I do remember waking up on the couch in the middle of the night and stumbling (literally) into bed, passing out for good.

The hangover sucked, the day was ruined, and I got fuck all done. But, I really do believe that this experience has made me even more committed to not drinking. To being sober. I think I needed to do it, to see if things had changed, to just get it fucking over with. Nothing’s changed, and nothing’s different. It’s not fun, and frankly, I can’t afford to drink anymore. I can’t afford to waste days, I can’t afford to offend my boyfriend and/or waste his time, I can’t afford to go there again, into that dark place. I can’t afford to be spiritually drained like that even one more time! I need light, not dark.

Some points:

1. Triggers. Need To Deal Better. I think my main trigger was the sheer buildup of sobriety! Like, the daily fucking grind of always being sober, never getting a break. Add to that hanging out at the beach all day with drinkers; my boyfriend making comments about other chics that hurt my feelings more than I like to admit; a killer PMS mood swing — well, it’s enough to make anyone succumb. I also spent about three hours on the phone with family the day before and realized that one brother thinks I’ve alienated myself from the family and need to call more and the other is still a long way from forgiving me for my batshit crazy blackout on New Year’s Eve. It just felt like major overload. Can’t I fucking do anything right? Where is MY solace, MY relief, MY release, huh? I don’t smoke weed or pop pills or do any other drugs, so wine is it.

The thing it, it’s not going to go away, life. People drinking and smoking. Job interviews and petty jealousy and family problems and life choices. Death. Mood swings. PMS. They’re all here to stay, drinking doesn’t solve anything or make any of it go away so…the only thing TO DO is to deal with it sober.

2. Hangovers. Still Suck. I am about to go suck down some rooibos tea and then Kill This Fucking Day. The shittiest part about this whole thing is that I wasted a day here, on the island. I had such a sense of accomplishment after a day spent sober, and now, well, I definitely feel like I wasted the day.

3. 60 days minus 1? Or, start the count all over? Bf says start over. I’m not sure how I feel, now that I’ve actually broken my stride. I feel much more practiced at being sober now, so I think it’ll be fairly easy to get back on the wagon. I mean, I could have killed myself if I had passed out in the pool. A family friend did just that, at 28 years old. I thought mostly about that today, not about my 60 days and the “game” of counting days. It’s not a game, it’s my life.

4. Next goal: being sober and not just “not drinking.”

I’m disappointed, but tomorrow’s another day to forgive and forget, right? Sigh.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, cravings, depression, drinking, hangover, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholic, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Depression, Hangover

Of dopamine and security blankets…

9 Aug

2:30 am

I bought a bottle of red wine today, the first time in over two months, and got it chillin’ in the fridge… But I hope to God(dess) that I don’t drink it! Do I like to torture myself? Am I really that much of a masochist? Apparently so.

Yup, I broke down and actually purchased a bottle of red wine tonight at Kmart (of all places, and a shitty $7 bottle at that!). OH, NO! Oh, yes. BUT, I made it past the craving or whatever it was today (severe PMS bipolar dip?) that made/allowed me to buy it and cart it home, so that’s good. I got distracted, I guess.

Did it help to get that bottle? What purpose is it serving if in the end, I choose NOT to drink it? Well, for one, it makes me feel excited. I recently watched a doc or something on TV about the neuroscience of addiction, and how people can’t, actually, say no to drugs and booze when they’re addicted. Why? Their dopamine circuits are too fucked up, and that is difficult — and deeply seated — brain chemistry to ignore. The interesting part for me was when the expert said that addicts will get a buzz just anticipating the using and boozing, and that the buzz is real. Yeah? Yeah. In fact, I’ve experienced that! It’s like, a total high from just anticipating, planning, looking forward to drinking.

When I bought the bottle, it wasn’t as huge as it might have been eight weeks ago, but a weight was lifted from my mind and chest (literally, my heart aches for red wine!) — I felt lighter, happier, excited about drinking. I had something to look forward to! Indeed, I might even become funnier, crazier, sexier, younger — or, at least, identify with that old (and DELUSIONAL) emotional self I constructed around drinking red wine. Point being, I’ve felt this anticipation and excitement before, just from having begun the planning process of drinking. My mood was noticeably altered.

I also did it to provide some kind of relief, solace, sense of security. Shit, whatever it takes, right? I know, it’s dangerous, but there’s a lot of booze in this house that I’m house-sitting for, and I haven’t touched a drop. And, the reason is not just cuz I don’t want to break my sober stride, but I also don’t want to have to deal with the fucking drama of replacing booze that may be expensive or have sentimental value for the owner. Been there, fucking done that. So, I’m learning to rationally apply what I’ve learned from my mistakes while drinking to my sober choices…at least up until this afternoon at the checkout in the big K.

It’s just grapes, my bad angel says. Just one glass.

The good angel’s getting better at holding her own, though. Why do it to yourself? Do you really need the buzz when half of it comes from just buying the bottle and bringing it home? Come ON, it’s shit wine, are you really going to go out on cheap red? What if, like last time you drank after being sober for a few weeks, you didn’t even get drunk, you just felt…weird? Will breaking your stride before you hit 90 days be worth it over four glasses of bad red wine? What about everyone who says you can’t do it (yourself included), friends who think you’re a drunk and always will be a drunk and are just waiting for you to slip up and start drinking again? Don’t you want to prove them wrong? What about your 57 days, your self-respect, winning the game?

(Sigh. So many thoughts for just one bottle of red wine…)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, cravings, depression, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Depression, Psychology, Sobriety, Uncategorized

Water is my friend!

11 Jul

12:28 am

Water

Who would have thought a tall glass of lime seltzer water would taste SO DAMN GOOD? I thought about getting a nonalcoholic beer tonight on the way back from a tough bikram yoga class, but by the time I got home, all I wanted was water. Gallons of it. WA-TER. (Plus, wouldn’t that be cheating? I actually dreamt I had a sip of a beer the other morning; one sip. SO. GOOD. I can still feel the bitter taste on my tongue.)

So, today is day 28 = four weeks! Wow. I have had a LOT of insights come to mind, but I’ll wait for another night to post those, since I’m falling asleep. I must say, however, that the cravings are almost nonexistent. I mean, I have them now and then — and the accompanying disappointment and mental tantrum — but WAY less than before. It’s like, I’ve accepted, even possibly embraced, a non-drinking lifestyle. A new habit. (Wait till I get off my exhaust-myself-beyond-belief schedule in the next few weeks, and we’ll see if I come crying to mama…)

I’ve been sick for the past, who knows, month or more? Tired/dragging (walking is tiring), with flu symptoms. I can’t help but wonder: is it that my immune system needs to simply bounce back from the years and years and hangovers and hangovers during which it was on overdrive? Like, I wore it out and now my body, no longer protected by an immune system working on overdrive to process all the booze and related metabolic toxins, is like, Wow, fuck you, dude. OR, I’ve thought that perhaps, as in a fast, when your body supposedly clears out the toxins once you give it a digestive break long enough to do so, I’m going through all the illnesses that I never got while I was drinking? My body is finally at baseline, and with all my sweating at bikram, it’s finally processing all those toxins that never got the chance to come out? I think it’s a combination of both, actually. In any case, it’s a boon: combined with making sure I make up a LONG to-do list every day and actually get out and exhaust myself trying to get everything done (mind you, my lists these days, as an “unemployed” person, include getting out of bed), I really have no time or energy to crave a glass or fourteen of red, let alone drink them.

Additionally, I can’t imagine pouring that acidic shit down my throat at this particular moment. I feel sick, and I KNOW that drinking will make me feel sicker. And a hangover? Ugh. Sounds intolerable. I’ve come enough to my senses to realize that when I have stomach cramps and a slight fever, drinking red wine will NOT MAKE IT BETTER.

Before I sign off, I was thinking last night: what’ll happen if I drink? I’m not expecting to black out and go on a murder spree, but… Will I feel less drunk? More drunk? Get drunk faster? Black out? Stay sane? It scared me a little to think about drinking. Which, to be honest, is a good thing in these early days. One more incentive to Just Say No! (More on that in another post, methinks.)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, detox, drinking, fatigue, sobriety, wine, women

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Detox, Sobriety

I love me some Intervention!

9 Jul

2:18 am

And, cuz my best friend, insomnia, just showed up, here’s a short and sweet post to lull at least YOU to sleep.

When the chips are down, I like to turn to my go-to shows and web sites that make me feel less like a loser:

A&E’s Intervention — The granddaddy of addiction documentary shows! Granted, it’s pretty old school and the shows have become really formulaic, but I can get sucked in, watching six or seven episodes in a row. (Talk about an addict!) Candy Finnigan ROCKS.

TLC’s My Strange Addiction — Bizarre and quirky addictions that are so…bizarre and quirky that you totally forget to crave what you’re addicted to. At least while the show is on…

The Fix magazine — Wish I had thought of this and had the resources to publish it! One day… Lots of great articles and first-person accounts of everything addiction-related.

PubMed — Yes, I’m a science geek. Seriously, I look to PubMed not only for genetics-based research (when I’m actually working, which hasn’t happened for a while), but also when I get a story idea. Generally speaking, there are so many studies YET TO DO re: addiction research (especially co-morbid addiction, like alcoholism and an eating disorder at the same time), it astounds me! Time to get that MPH and start cookin’!

Two of my favorite consumer science magazines that highlight addiction are:
Pyschology Today — They have a “Get Help” section, which is how I found my counselor!
Scientific American Mind — Just good stuff, and answers some questions tangential, perhaps, to addiction, but always related. Shit, it’s the brain, it’s the source of our addiction problem!

And here are a few shows that I’m looking forward to checking out:

HBO’s The Addiction Project — Never seen, but looks worth a shot…

A&E’s Hoarders — Not sure I’m into caring about this addiction, but people rave about this show…

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, Hoarders, insomnia, Intervention, My Strange Addiction, Psychology Today, SciAm Mind, Scientific American Mind, The Addiction Project, The Fix, wine, women

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Insomnia, Resources, Sobriety

Drunky Drunk Girl says, It’s time for some new friends!

9 Jul

1:06 am

Hmm. I’m happy — starting to feel content, I guess — to be going on a record number of days sober (today is 27!), but I feel sad. For the second time in a week, I’ve hung out with a friend who just doesn’t seem to dig my sobriety — even my attempt at it is perceived as threatening. Time for some new friends!

At the wedding, the guy friend I was sharing a hotel room with was none too happy, I felt, about me not drinking. In the past (how it’s “always been”), me getting shitfaced made it easier for him to get shitfaced, and justify getting shitfaced. Me getting shitfaced made it easier for him to hit on me and me to somehow convince myself that I wanted him to do so. Take away the booze on my part, and the whole game seems sort of pathetic. AND, it was clear to me how this person chose to be irritated over happy for me about quitting — he spent the entire time either one, refusing to acknowledge my sober attempt (not one comment or question re: why I wasn’t drinking, and that’s ODD, considering that it’s ME!) or two, seemingly rubbing it in my face by ordering a fucking drink EVERY time we sat down long enough for him to do so (I’m surprised he didn’t suggest buying a few six packs for the room!).

It’s not a big deal to me as we’re not that close and really, we don’t have much in common. Yet, I can’t help but dwell on my own clarity: it’s ME who’s approaching the situation differently, not them, and that makes a big difference. I mean, it’s pretty obvious to others that when drunks stop drinking, they stop hanging out with their drunk friends. Similar here in that, with the payoff gone (getting drunk due to having someone to drink with), I clearly see no reason to cultivate a deeper relationship with my friend. I also saw his behavior as a reaction to feeling threatened, whether because he felt he was drinking too much or that he realized that I was rejecting him, or both.

My other friend is the one whom I sensed was trying to “undermine” my sobriety the other night. Turns out, it’s more like, undermine my success and happiness! A clear case of hating on me to make herself feel better. Age-old scenario, but the question I have to ask is, why? What purpose does it serve her? Going back many years, no doubt we shared a LOT of times, good and bad. However, what kept us together was being drinking buddies. I was the one she could call, she has told me, and count on to join her at a moment’s notice for a beer or ten. AND, after many drunken blackouts and rages, she kept me because I was valuable to her self-esteem: me, a deeply “flawed,” fucked up friend who, despite her many awesome qualities, would never show my friend up. She feels better about herself due to my drunken retardedness. Minus the booze? Well, I don’t think she knows what to think or how to react, so she falls back on putting me down, or making me feel not that awesome.

Without the booze, I just can’t fall for it anymore. Plus, I’m a good 3 or 4 years distanced from our intense friendship, and I see much more clearly how deeply she misses the point: my volunteer friends admire and “see” me; my family and other family friends see my deeper side. I hide it from this person, and I think that I always have because I sensed her gaping insecurities — this is a powerful me, one that has a lot to offer, isn’t cynical, doesn’t drink. That sucks, especially when the best of friendships are really about that person always being on your side, seeing your best traits, and making those come out every time you hang out!

Again, my approach has changed, I’ve matured, and I’m ready to simply move the fuck on. I spend so much time dealing with my negativities and my cravings these days that I just can’t get into longwinded melodramas. Like, this friend will go on and on about some guy she thinks might have said or did this or that, possibly with the intent of lying but who knows? Blah blah blah. I really can’t care. I really can’t. It’s too easy to get sucked into this misery-loves-company play for my attention, but really, I don’t love misery! Not anymore! I want out of the cave, not deeper in!

Moving on is sad, especially when you’ve realized that no matter how many GREAT drinking times you’ve had, hilarious and sometimes poignant stories and encounters and dramas, drinking buddies start and end as just that. There are so many other, BETTER connections to be made, ones that yield real stories, real dramas.

(Yet…I cherish this person’s friendship, and it wasn’t just built on drinking. Evolving then, this friendship, and not ending…)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, drinking buddies, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Bars, Binge drinking, Cravings, Drinking buddies, Sobriety

It’s not a zero sum game, but still…

6 Jul

2:40 pm

LIFE WAS/IS BETTER WITH WINE, I’ve concluded.

I’m crying, and I guess it’s to be expected. I was wondering when it was going to hit me, this sobriety thing. And on top of it all, I feel lonely in this…thing I’m doing. Quite lonely. Lonely in the sense that when I come out of it, I’m not going to be able to relate the experience to others, thereby making me feel even more isolated, more at odds with “normal” people.

Sure, I’ve cried before drinking, during, and after; I’ve cried with booze and without it. BUT, last night, and today, as I sit here and think back to my oldest friend finally getting hitched this weekend after 15 years of dating, my other oldest best friend expecting her second child, as I read on FB about another writer friend who’s just published a book, all I can do is say, Fuck me, what have I done wrong?

As one of my writer friends here tells me, It’s not a zero sum game. And I know that. But, I can’t deny that some days I feel the heat… Maybe I’m just not good enough? Maybe I suck at this journalism thing, this writing thing? When it’s what I’ve built my life on, succeeded in up until now, I have a hard time accepting that, let alone embracing it. What writer wouldn’t?

If I’m honest, I would sit down and make a list of everything I’ve accomplished in my life, everything I have to be grateful for, and just shut the fuck up about it. BUT…I can’t help but throw up my hands and scream, I could have written that book! I could have pitched that story! But, I’m not doing any of that at the moment. And I continue to waste what little time I have left (last night was hard; all I could think about was that I’m on the downswing of life, that I’m exiting this game…)…

I used to have wine to calm me down, to help take the sadness away, the edge of insanity off these consuming thoughts. WHICH ARE TRUTH, and which I CANNOT IGNORE OR PRETEND DON’T EXIST. Yet, I acknowledge them, don’t I? They are what make me feel sad and depressed as well as what allow me to justify drinking. And so, why not? Why, if I acknowledge them, if I go through the work — a sleepless night, a lonely, weepy afternoon — can’t I drink afterward?

I really want to drink. Am I simply being too harsh, too black-and-white, too “AA” about it? Putting myself through this sobriety bullshit when what I really need is to chill the fuck out, have a glass of wine, and be a “normal” 38-year-old? Normal in that, well, it’s NORMAL to feel like you’re a failure when all your friends are writing books, traveling the globe as intrepid reporters, starting magazines and families and lives; and you’re doing what you perceive to be as nothing. Right? I don’t know.

Fuck being sober. It’s WORSE than being a wino. …I guess.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, cravings, depression, drinking, insomnia, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Depression, Insomnia, Sobriety

Drunky drunk girl says, My first sober wedding! Whew…glad that’s over!

5 Jul

3:15 pm

I just returned from a wedding in Seattle. AND…dun dun dun, still drink-free! WOOT!

(Granted, I feel like a truck hit me, and have been feeling like, TIRED as fuck, for the past two out of the THREE, yes, three, weeks of being sober, but I’ll get to that in another post. Who knew? I sure didn’t. Well, I know now — sobriety is like getting sick after weeks of running yourself ragged, amped up on adrenaline while the rest of your organs are crying out, Rest me, god damn it!)

Anyway, some things I learned at this wedding:

Old, good friends are the best sober buddies. So are former drunks. So are pregnant people. All in all, I had a great amount of support from the handful of friends who have known me for 15 years — and seen my drunky drunky ways in action, over and over and over again. The last time I saw these peeps, I: blacked out and went off at the bar about losing my “cool” black jacket, which I simply left on some barstool, which I was banging on and on about for several hours, I’m sure; blacked out and took the FREIGHT elevator instead of the one for hotel guests, ended up passing out inside the thing, and being woken up at 4 am (in my own piss, naturally) by one of the group who was the only member of its ad hoc search party who knew enough to “think like a drunk person” and realize that maybe I had taken the wrong elevator; blacked out during the baseball game and did who knows what, and then won the shirt (we have an annual “t-shirt contest” that involves vomit) by throwing up behind one of our SUVs in the parking lot after the game — turns out tailgating in the dark AFTER the game is not a good idea if you’ve been drinking PBRs since 1 pm that afternoon…

Guy “friends” who also wouldn’t mind getting in your pants WANT you to get silly drunk and don’t, actually, appreciate your sobriety.

Sitting around a table for hours talking with your friends while sober ain’t so bad. It’s nice to remember the conversations and it’s nice to not be the asshole stumbling out of the bar, who may or may not have hit on someone stupid, let someone stupid hit on her, said something stupid, or did something otherwise stupid.

Karaoking to “Don’t Stop Believin'” while sober ain’t so bad.

Flying cross-country while sober makes up for having to catch a 7:15 am flight. In fact, not having to fly either hung the fuck over or still drunk makes up for like, every morning flight I’ve ever taken. (There is nothing like passing through the AA terminal at JFK and realizing that the last time you did so, you were blazing drunk, having stayed up all night downing prosecco with a local guy “friend” (see above), and preparing to board an international flight headed to a post-disaster zone to volunteer for several months. Ahh, the memories… Seared into my mind and bloodstream — I can still feel that sense of impending doom/anxiety/pure anger that comes with being drunk for so many consecutive hours and THEN having to hustle to like, an airport.)

I’m sure there are other things, but those are what come to mind. I must say that I am proud (and bewildered) to be closing in on ONE MONTH sober. It feels…great/horrible? I’m not sure which, but it’s my own curiosity, I suppose, that’s keeping me on track now: What will sobriety surprise me with next?

More later! Thanks for reading, whoever is out there. It helps. It really does.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, hangover, hung over, sobriety, wine, withdrawal, women

Comments 4 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Detox, Hangover, Sobriety

There’s always tomorrow…for cravings, that is

27 Jun

2:04 am

Well, I made it. Through the day, that is, which means I officially made it two weeks! Which is the longest I’ve gone without drinking since last September, when I went for 13 days (yes, I caved the night/morning of the 14th day!). The longest before that was definitely years prior, like, spring or early summer, 2008. (In the meantime, I kept a pretty demanding job as a reporter, moved many times, made (and lost) friends, had a few boyfriends, had many blacked-out flings, and in general, sweated it out, day after day. Yup, you’re looking at the world’s best, and most secretive, functioning alcoholic! Or, at the very least, in the top 5 percent of ’em! More on this in another post.)

Which brings me to the point of this post: there IS always tomorrow, and unless the laws of physics turn on us, waiting for the gong to strike midnight is as predictable as it gets. And that’s a GOOD THING. Dealing with my cravings, living through them, is like practicing a sport or an instrument. The more you do it, the more rote it becomes. You learn to pass the time in a similar fashion, to make doing certain things or thinking (or not thinking) about other things mechanical. You create new habits, at least in your mind. The cravings feel the same every day, they last for about the same amount of time, and the down — the disappointment — never changes. BUT, it passes. Again. And you sleep and forget about it. Again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I’ve also noticed that, against Eckhart Tolle’s best advice, taking myself OUT OF THE NOW and putting myself into the future helps me resist the urge to binge drink. I should clarify: there is an URGE and then there is the URGE TO BINGE. The latter usually strikes hard and fast, and reacting to it is fatal. It’s like an anxiety attack in the sense that you have to slow your mind down, take a few breaths, and focus on NOT REACTING. Reacting would have me down four drinks in 10 minutes. Which would one, not be fun at that moment OR later, and two, straight up ruin this sobriety thing altogether…in 10 short minutes! So, realizing this and fast-forwarding myself 10 minutes into the future — do I really want to have ruined it so fast, and will it have been worth that 10 minutes of binging — helps me hold the cravings at bay, too.

Off to bed before I crack open that bottle of red (yup, THAT bad boy that’s been staring me in the eye for the past few nights)!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, panic, sobriety, wine, women

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Sobriety

Newer Entries →

Search

Drunky Drunk Girl

Of dopamine and security blankets…

Water is my friend!

I love me some Intervention!

Drunky Drunk Girl says, It’s time for some new friends!

It’s not a zero sum game, but still…

Drunky drunk girl says, My first sober wedding! Whew…glad that’s over!

There’s always tomorrow…for cravings, that is

Hi, it’s DDG!

Follow Blog Via Email

Blogs I Follow

Blogroll

Recent Posts

Archives

Search

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Hi, it’s DDG!

Follow Blog Via Email

Blogs I Follow

Blogroll

Recent Posts

Archives