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18 weeks and 4 months should NOT be equal, right?

3:37 pm

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, but with draft posts titled “Feeling like crap,” “Pangs heard around the world,” and “Where am I?,” I figured I would let whatever this is pass, continue to solider on, and spare you my annoying diatribe(s).

I’m still sober, going on a day after 18 weeks today. But, the other day when I looked at the calendar and it read February 12th, I thought, Wait, I’m ONLY at 4 months? So, how can I also be at 18 weeks, which would be 4 months…PLUS 2 weeks. Um, hello? That PLUS 2 weeks is kind of huge. Le sigh.

I’ve really wanted to drink the past several weeks, but I haven’t. I feel quite practiced at saying no through most of my pangs, cravings, and “thought ditches”…until PMS rears its ugly head. The past week has been bad–sometimes I wonder if it isn’t something in my new environment that is messing up my hormones. I literally felt hung over the other morning, as if I was coming down WAY TOO FAST off a “good” drug–crashing. However, it wasn’t a drug, it was my own internal chemical fluctuations which were off schedule and which, instead of letting me down easy, came to a screeching halt a week early. Hmm. I know it sounds a bit melodramatic, but when I was drinking, I really hit the wine hard when I was PMSing; and, I know it’s difficult to believe, more often than not I never connected the two until after the fact. Duh. Every month it became, Oh, shit, no WONDER I felt so horrible, drank so much, and could SO not even deal with the booze (I always blacked out hard when I was PMSing). Now, I’m hyper-aware of the fluctuations because I can feel every single one of them.

It’s not that life has been bad, at all; I’m grateful that work and dinners and walks, days and nights and everything, well, has been passing smoothly. Sure, there are moments (nightly, lately) when I find myself saying to myself, Do I really need to stay sober, like Sober Sober, anymore? Aren’t I healed? Hasn’t this 24-7 sobriety shit gone on long enough?! I need a BREAK! Just one glass…

I had major pangs last night, which sort of took me off guard. I felt a little bit like crying inside when I looked at the menu and realized that once again–even at a nice restaurant on a nice Valentine’s Day date with my nice manz–I can’t have wine. Not even one glass. And to make it worse? I end up ordering yet another Diet Coke, which I have to say, did not go so well with the pasta. The good news is that I did muster the sense to realize that I wouldn’t really enjoy the wine because I’d be thinking of the next glass, and the next, and the next. It’d be more of an annoyance than…whatever I’m imagining it’s going to be.

What’s the point? The point is, I’ve learned that even IF I want to drink, NO GOOD CAN COME if I do it when I really want to. Because, when I really want to is always when I’m feeling really bad. My strategy is to wait: until tomorrow, until the next project, until the race, until this or that or the other. And, if I wait–even a night–most likely I’m going to feel both happier and less desperate the next day, at which point, even if I drank it’d much likely be a better outcome than if I drank when I was in that desperate state of mind.

Anyway, it’s Friday! And I haven’t even started my work. Wah wah. Catch y’all later!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, gratitude, holidays, hormonal fluctuations, pangs, PMS, recovery, sober, sobriety, Valentine's Day, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Gratitude, Health, Holidays, Life, Recovery, Sobriety

“Hill work” would be an understatement

9 Feb

11:14 am

HOLY shit. THAT was interesting.

Five miles pretty much all uphill. And, the downhills hurt more than powering up the uphills because my knees (mostly left–finally, the pain is back where it has been and should be?) hurt a lot going down.

Jesus. They don’t call it “8 Tuff Miles” for nothin’! To give you some idea, at about 5 miles, we reached the highest elevation of the course–999 feet. That means, sea level to 1,000 feet above sea level over the course of 5 miles. Like I said, all uphill.

I have to say–cheesy, but here it comes–powering up those hills (well, one long hill) reminded me a LOT of moving through getting sober! Repeating those moves that just don’t come naturally, like running up a sustained incline for over an hour, over and over until you can actually force yourself to do them! Or, going slow and not stopping, not stopping unless you have to. Breathing into the pain and breathing out–sitting with it (well, moving with it). Bracing for hard work, but knowing that you’ve got this, you’ve practiced your moves, all you have to do is keep going.

My legs felt strong, and that’s because I’ve been practicing this incline shit for a few weeks already. But, dayum! Gotta take a break before I go and pound more on these knees, yes I do.

And…yup, feels pretty darn awesome to have gotten up, gotten my ass over to the course, and run it–all before…8:30, I guess. My time was 1 hour, 5 minutes, 30 seconds. That’s 13-minute miles, which I’m pretty OK with seeing how the course was all uphill and I had to walk some of it and most of the steep downhills.

It’s also awesome to like, not thought it really all that astounding or medal-worthy that I got out of the house before the sun came up. Drinkin’ days? It never happened. EVER. Especially to work out or run a race. Years-never, we’re talking about.

Happy weekend, friends.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, drinking, exercise, goals, recovery, road race, running, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Goals, Health, Recovery, Running, Sobriety

Who’s up for a boat trip without booze? I am, I am!

4 Feb

10:16 pm

Well, folks, it happened: I made it through an event–said boat trip to a neighboring island with a gang of drinkin’ buddies–with smoking and drinking all around the entire day, did not partake, and felt amazing the entire time! Like, comfortable just being there and not inhaling smoke and not sucking down liquids (other than Diet Coke). Sure, sometimes I felt like the old woman who wears purple, and that sucked a little. Otherwise, I felt great. And grateful.

It wasn’t that hard, for some reason. And, I had a lot of fun! And, from what I could tell (more on this qualifier below), I didn’t feel awkward or weird; in fact, I mostly felt SUPER-grateful to not be hung over. Last year, I went on a boat trip that was nightmarishly hard, mainly because I got belligerent drunk the night before and was SO hung over I wanted to die. That was a year ago, if that gives you any indication of how bad I felt–and therefore, how grateful I was yesterday.

Yes, it was GOOD to be sober, to be clear, to feel none of the sway and sleepy nausea of being drunk in the sun (how do people drink during the day? I never could, actually, without feeling horrible), to know that I wasn’t going to feel any of it the next day. One big, Ahhhhhhhh.

What WAS hard was hearing today at my NSA (network spinal analysis–I got a gift certificate so figured I’d check it out) appointment that my entire spine, from top to bottom, is in fight-or-flight mode. For the most part, that means locked up, and the muscles around the cord, firing constantly (no wonder I have pain and no wonder I’m tired all the time). The way the analyst put it, it’s like walking around with my arms extended the whole day.

I’ve always carried a lot of tension in my back. It’s where I store my emotional “trauma,” as well as how I “hide.” I can’t help some of it–ingrained response of an incurable introvert. For the past oh, 5 months or so, though, it’s been getting noticeably worse. And, its worsening condition seems to coincide precisely with my soberversary. Could it be that the more I’m sober–the more I have to deal with shit instead of escaping from it–the more I’m actually causing my body to tense up and freak out? I think so.

It sucks. It’s made me wonder if drinking wasn’t so bad after all? I mean, we all have past trauma and present anxiety, and it’s HARD to deal with it nonstop. Hard. I don’t get to wipe it away, even for a few hours. And, there is something to a hangover wherein your body just melts, stops resisting. Like, you don’t have the resources to keep your defenses up, so you actually let them down for however long it takes to get over it. There were times when I was CERTAIN that I’d never felt better the next day than after a few shots of tequila and a burger the night before (though, in those days, I hadn’t also drunk two bottles of wine). Seriously.

I wish I could turn it off, but I can’t. And, with the stress of transitions galore, and being sober and having to confront reality every second of every day… Well, I guess I’m going to have to focus on making some of my new coping mechanisms work–meditation, diverting my attention to the bigger picture/positive, etc. That is, until I can see that life isn’t supposed to be all about “getting through” it.

Sigh. What with all this mental and physical, let’s face it, PAIN–sometimes I actually look forward to shedding my physical body. This mortal coil. This pain in my ass that doesn’t seem to know how to BE in this material reality and go with its grain. All my life it’s been this way, fidgeting in my own skin. I’m TIRED of it. I’m OVER it. It doesn’t seem to get easier, it just seems to go in and out, shape-shifting from one form of expression (pain here, addictive behavior there) to another.

Oh, sparkle-toothed unicorn, where art thou?

Anyway, there I go again. Focus on the positive, remember? Coming up on 17 weeks sober this Thursday. 🙂

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, alternative medicine, back pain, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, drinking, gratitude, healing, partying sober, recovery, sober, sobriety, social anxiety, socializing sober, tension, wine, women

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Alternative medicine, Binge drinking, Coping mechanisms, Gratitude, Health, Recovery, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

Top 10 reasons not to drink, or how I stopped worrying and learned to love Weird and Awkward

1 Feb

5:40 pm

I went out last night. Since getting sober, I haven’t actually been “out out,” as in, out to a bar where other people were drinking and I had to fend for my poor, little, 38-year-old self. I mean, I’ve been to dinner parties, brunches, beach outings, and even bars, but it wasn’t to “go out” (we went to see a band last night).

And, well… I felt so insecure! So uncomfortable! So awkward! Dare I say, Weird and Awkward! And, without booze to hold onto, I felt vulnerable. I felt like I was in college again. GAH. NO!?!? And, I was so far up in my own head that at times, it was really hard to fake that I was having fun.

BUT, I learned something about myself. I’ve known it for a long time–my whole life. Sometimes–like when I was learning calculus–you just need to see it from a different angle to actually GET IT. I got it last night: I create entire realities in my head when it comes to what others are thinking of and about me, and one, probably none of it is true, and two, who gives a shit if it is?

I have to imagine that we all feel insecure sometimes, introverts moreso than extroverts. A mere sampling of my thought “process” during these times:

I wonder if they think I’m boring/I bet they do, I bet they think I’m boring/OH, GOD, why am I being so awkward, what with all these pauses and looking away/I have to look away, but now, oh, fuck, now I bet they think I’m being rude or disinterested when really/you’re standing too close to me and I really don’t know what to say and for some reason, I feel like I’m 18 again and not 38/it hurts I want out it hurts I want out/I want to curl up in a ball and roll on OUT OF HERE

Yup. That’s me. ME. That’s what’s going on inside MY HEAD. However, being sober and having to simply deal with it, I had the opportunity last night to observe these thoughts–not only look at these thoughts, but look at them from a different perspective, namely, not my own.

I glanced at the person I was talking to and told myself, Y’know, he’s probably faking it, too, has no idea what to say, might even be feeling more awkward and shy than I am! I had a quick conversation with a former, let’s just say, drinking buddy in front of the restroom; he got sober last year and we chatted very briefly about how he’s drinking again (and having no luck moderating) and how I’m not. “I feel really good where I’m at right now,” I said, breezily (it’s not like I’m falling apart on the outside, just in one corner of my brain). He was noticeably impressed, and congratulated me. Someone else did, too, when I told him that I had 16 weeks. What I’m saying is, other people are not just NOT thinking I’m weird and awkward in my sobriety, but they’re happy for me, even maybe envious! People are rooting for me. And what am I doing? Creating an entire universe in my head that does not exist, based upon my own self-conscious insecurities.

Almost more importantly, I realized that 85 percent of the peeps in the room were in their own, drunken worlds. Who’s going to even remember me, let alone remember that I was sober?

Hence, my sparkling (the glitter rained down, too, I swear) revelation: I don’t need to drink. In fact, I prefer to be sober. IN SPITE OF HOW AWKWARD I felt, and even in spite of the pangs. The pangs were just my body saying, I want to get the fuck out of here because *I feel uncomfortable.* Somehow, my higher brain pulled through and was like, You need to do this to learn/grow, and honey, you know you really don’t want to drink, right? I wanted to use wine to momentarily allow me to feel protected from my raging thoughts. How sadly ironic, seeing how the point of going out and socializing is to be with others, right?

YET, I didn’t drink. Why?

1. I would be sick the next day. (Do I even have to go into 2-10? Who wants to feel sick the next day?)
2. I would get fuck all done the next day, and then I would hate on myself.
3. I would have a horrible hangover, complete with anxiety/panic, depression/suicidal ideation, and general existential angst. (Shit’s not 19 anymore, peeps! It happens.)
4. I would have stupid conversations that I don’t remember, instead of attempts–give yourself a high five for trying–at meaningful ones that I do!
5. I would act like a fucking idiot, dancing and singing and swaying and in general, being WAY too out there. I’ve been out there; I want to coil myself back in. I’m MINE, not yours.
6. I would say shit I don’t mean, or might regret.
7. I would spend too much money.
8. I would consume too many calories. (Hey, y’all, that belly weight is tough to shed; I’m tired of one step forward, two steps back!)
9. I would fuck up my training body and schedule. (I’m finally getting my running legs (and core strength) back, and I’m on a workout schedule now.)
10. I won’t find out what happens AFTER 16 weeks.

I’d say that number 10 is playing a huge role in keeping me from giving in to my pangs. My “fuck it” moments seem to last not moments, but days–I have time to ruminate over the consequences, and they ultimately end up pointing my face toward the door that says, “Don’t Even THINK About Knocking.” More and more, I see how far I’ve come and I think, Well, if you stop now, you’ll probably NEVER get to 17 weeks, or 6 months, or a year. Could things be monumentally different than they were at day 1, than they are now? Maybe… I’ll just have to keep going to find out.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, psychology, recovery, sober, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 11 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Bars, Binge drinking, Cravings, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

16 weeks and…I have the choice to drink

30 Jan

9:23 pm

I do. I have the choice.

I would say this: AA wants you to believe that you don’t have a choice; I contend that you do. It’s just HARDER to not drink/be sober if you allow yourself that choice, daily. It forces you to confront your reasons (well, rationale) for thinking about drinking; why you “want” to drink; and then, allows you, if you’ve practiced bringing it to the forefront and not burying it under the guise of disease, to once again see for yourself that you don’t really want to drink…

you want to escape.

That’s it. You want to escape in order to feel better. You’re not out for cocktails with the girls, you’re out for blood. (Well, I never really even WANT to drink unless I’m feeling sad, depressed, anxious, or like my existential crises are making my head feel like it’s going to cave in. But, that’s just me, and that’s just me NOW. Back in the day, I remember going out, I just don’t remember drinking beer while out or even caring that I was drinking beer. That’s why they call it a progressive disorder–it progresses, and it changes the way your brain works.)

The problem is, drinking gets you drunk, and then hung over; nothing changes. These days, I keep having to remind myself: the side effect of drinking (too much) is getting drunky drunk–I don’t want that.

I like having the choice to drink. It makes it harder, for sure. I wouldn’t recommend it. But for me, burying the urge–shutting it down, turning it off–is like being a “dry drunk.” Relying on a “higher power” is also externalizing it–someone somewhere will do the mental work for you, is how I see it (for now, anyway). That’s not how it works, at least for me. By allowing myself the choice, it’s like I’m working my “sober mind” muscle out every day, as it really needs to be. I’m present, and while it’s not enjoyable, I come full circle instead of taking the detour. And I’m stronger in the face of tomorrow’s craving. (Unlike some people, I haven’t lost my desire to get buzzed; I don’t have the obsession to drink anymore, though.)

I think that I’m much more apt to call substance abuse a “disorder.” Alcohol use disorder. And, while it might be the case that you “broke” your brain when it comes to booze, disorder implies the ability to rewire; disease implies frayed or short-circuited beyond any further use.

I’m in a “terse” mood tonight, whatever that means! I’ve been working, and walking the dogs, and getting through my runs (with shooting pains all over my legs and a lower back that feels like two hot knives are stuck in it most of the time!), and well, living. Life. My latest editorial project was on quantum physics, and it took me back to my college days, a time that seemed so…fecund. Full of magical unknowns. A time when reading about that kind of stuff could excite me beyond anything I had or even knew I wanted. Now? Well…I’m not sure where wine fits into this tangent, but I remember using wine to put me back in that state of mind–excitement for the magical unknowns out there, waiting for me. I guess, to escape being cynical, knowing too much. I have to work at cultivating this level of excitement almost constantly. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to stop using wine, too: I expect so much, and when I don’t get it, I feel anxious, unnerved, sad, restless. I can’t always be “high on life.” I have to sleep. Some days will be crummy, or boring, or tedious. This, I do not like. I don’t want to accept it! And you know what, I probably NEVER WILL. 😉

Anyway, happy sober days, friends! 16 weeks and counting…

Tags: alcohol use disorder, alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, psychology, recovery, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 8 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Choices, Cravings, Life, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety

What a relief to be sober!

28 Jan

1:32 am

Ahh. Whew. What a relief to be sober!

Holy Christ, I’m SO glad to be *contained.* In containment. Maybe even stilted, as in, I’m not sure I could have had a conversation with a stranger tonight (up and down today, mainly due to my usual existential “drama” that seems to prohibit me, absolutely, from simply enjoying the moments). BUT, after seeing a few drunks doing what drunken people do, all I feel is relief: I have nothing to fear, I’m not in that place tonight, and, I DON’T EVER HAVE TO BE IN THAT PLACE AGAIN.

I wanted to drink today, but I knew I wouldn’t. I would get through the night. And, maybe it was a “God shot”: we went to a bar for dinner and there were several things that just made me cringe. One was a guy talking WAY too loudly, sharing WAY too much, touching WAY too frequently. I remember doing that, and watching it at 108 days sober made me feel…uncomfortable. From a distance, watching him, I felt edgy. Nervous, as if his state of mind was contagious and even after all my 108 days of work, I might catch the “drunk as shit” bug and start, well, acting like HIM. Like ME, when I was drunky drunk: out of control, embarrassing, invasive, and, about to get more of all three before too long. Ugh.

Then, we took off, and as we were heading out of the parking lot, I turned my head toward flashing lights. Two cops were pointing their flashlights on a dude who had either fallen or gotten into a fight; he was sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette, and blood was everywhere–on his legs and arms and face, on the ground, on his clothes, on his bare (were they bare?) feet. I’m guessing he was drunk (it’s the place to go out here, so lots of bars and lots of drunken people) and got into some drunken nonsense. Typically when I refer to “nonsense” and “shenanigans,” I’m sort of doing it tongue in cheek. This was not a joke to me tonight; it just made me feel even more nervous, and well, tired. TIRED. Drama, repercussions, head in hands, sighs all around. Apologies, things you can’t take back, waking up with that sinking feeling of dread at the base of your being, knowing that there had been simply, a lot of fucking bullshit. A whole lot of shit.

I’m so glad I’m outside that tangle, at least for now. I felt fearful for a while tonight, but I know that there is nothing to fear. I am not drinking, I will not be getting drunk, and there will be no drunken nonsense or shenanigans. I am going to watch part of a movie on quantum physics with my earbuds in, stay very still (safe) in my bed in the dark, and set my alarm; I am going to get up, brush my teeth, make coffee, and take the dogs for a walk, before starting on a bunch of editing I have to do for this week. I have an interview lined up with a marine biologist for tomorrow (maybe the real reason I’m edgy), and I will call him at the scheduled time. He already has the questions, so there is nothing to fear. And, all this will go down as planned–plus, without the extra TON of weight to carry by being hung over–because I did not drink wine tonight. Thank you, me. Thank you thank you thank you, higher me.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, gratitude, higher power, recovery, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 13 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Gratitude, Higher Power, Recovery, Sobriety

Choosing not to drink…because my life depends on it

26 Jan

4:01 pm

Literally. Having a life depends on me staying sober right now.

I’ve been seriously thinking about drinking the past few days/weeks. I mean, why not? The other night in bed, I got a text from a friend, who is 40, I guess will be 41 this year, who just popped out her second kid. As usual, I felt the wind-tunnel-in-my-gut feeling, and then, the curtain of sadness. It’s brief, and irrational–I’ve done some awesome shit in my life, right?–but…it got me thinking: I have to make some decisions.

Moreover, I have less than a year and a half; said another way, I have 16 periods left in which to get preggers.

It’s not so much that the possibility of not having kids of my own makes me sad, it’s the fact that I LET so much time pass, so many opportunities. Did I let life roll me over? Did I stay with men who were noncommittal, like me, out of fear…or was that just the way it went, was supposed to go? I mean, I am definitely of the pre-online dating generation, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t have gotten on the bandwagon in 2005 or 2006 and like some of my friends, made a list of “to do” and “to have,” and got on with it. Like picking a career, or a place to live, or a job, should I have prioritized having kids in this way? Instead, I wasted a lot of time bouncing around in my 20s, and didn’t really pick a career (one that, of course, I’m no longer happy with!) and start on it until my 30s. How could I have both invested most of my 30s making a career for myself in journalism AND finding a man and having kids? It just seems that no matter what decisions you’ve made, you’re going to end up regretting your choices in some way(s).

I think I’ve spent the past decade, at least, drowning out the inevitable, NOT making a choice and then drinking to avoid the entire affair (not choosing, feeling bad about myself for not wanting to deal with not choosing). Now, with less than a year and a half until I turn 40, I wonder: is it really too late? Could I have made any one of the shitty relationships I was in work, back then, if I had chosen to have kids? Would I have picked different men, or more importantly, would I have stood up for myself and forced us to decide? It’s hard to tell, but one thing I do know: drinking played a major role in where I am today. It’s not that I’m unhappy to be here by any stretch, but I think if I had gotten sober earlier and stopped using wine to basically avoid these so-called “hard” and “scary” decisions… I don’t know.

I’m a biologist; I know that I’m not unique, reproductively-speaking. Every year counts, once a woman gets past 35. Past 37, every month. I don’t think I want to be childless at 50, I really don’t. I don’t know why, and I’m not sure I can even stomach the thought of giving up all the dreams I still have in order to raise kids, but… I don’t know.

What I do know is, these things can’t wait to be examined, just shy of 90 days sober or not. At 20, I remember having All These Options. In a way, I still think of myself as 20, or 25, or 30…not pushing 40! How do I reconcile the sadness of realizing that my options are vastly different now, if not limited, and the necessary acceptance of this truth? I have to accept it in order to move on, but more immediately, in order to not freak out and start drinking alcoholically again.

Happy weekend?

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, choices, drinking, pregnant, recovery, relationship, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 10 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Change, Choices, Life, Recovery, Sex and Relationships, Sobriety

Binge drinking and brain damage

25 Jan

12:00 pm

This is really depressing, mainly because, theoretically speaking, I shouldn’t be able to form ANY long-term memories at this point (if this article is correct in saying that the damage occurs in the hippocampus, which is where short-term memories are converted to long-term memories elsewhere in the brain):

Effects of Binge Drinking Almost Immediate

It’s hard to ignore the FACT of the matter, which is, even IF you’ve gotten sober, you’ve still got brain damage and you’ve still got an increased risk of dementia in your later years. I almost feel like drinking over it–why not? The damage has been done.

ANYHOO, it’s sort of a rainy day down here and I’ve got work to do, and my biggest concern as of the moment is my lower back (burning pain today–ack!) and NOT my hippocampus. Alas, I’ve got some blog posts to dazzle you guys with:
1. Weird and Awkward
2. Drinking is a disorder, not a disease
3. The continuum of “alcoholism” is like the continuum of sexuality–we’re all on it, somewhere
4. ?

See you later!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, brain damage, drinking, GEN, Genetic Engineering News, health, hippocampus, recovery, sober, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 14 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Health, Recovery, Sobriety

Pushing my sober boulder uphill past few weeks

23 Jan

4:47 pm

So, as you may know, I’m going on 15 weeks of sobriety tomorrow–90 days plus 2 weeks. And, let me tell you, the past 2 weeks have been hard. I’ve felt so lethargic, mainly due to the slightly overwhelming number of things I now feel I have to start on. Resume.

And, I’ve been leading full days, too (well, full for me right now): walking the dogs, working out, closing several editing projects. Yet…there’s so much more to do!

Now that I’m sober…I should (want to) start some “beat” science and health reporting around the island. (In process today. We’ll see where my footsteps lead…)

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) re-apply to some public health master’s programs and/or re-visit my deferment at a school down south.

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) invite peeps down here to vacay, and make a trip back up to [cold east coast city] to reconnect.

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) start on/re-visit some personal writing projects; I’d be heartbroken if I didn’t at least TRY to do something with/about them. (The truth will set you free, right?)

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) come to some sort of…resolution?…about starting a family. I sense it’s something I can no longer reasonably put off. (Well, maybe one more year… 😉 )

Now that I’m sober…the list goes on and on.

I want to and feel excited about the future and the work that lies ahead, but I’m tired, too. Mentally. I guess staying sober IS a full-time job, mentally and emotionally. It has been for me. At the same time, I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels, spending all my time getting up the energy to do stuff and not executing. I want to, sure, but my body is like, Oh, what? I guess it’s still Fake It Till Ya Make It hour, but I’m wondering, when does that turn into Make It?

So, I’ve been pushing that boulder, and having no time or energy really to think about drinking–the more I think at all, the more things I come up with to put on my to-do list. So it goes. Sigh.

Then, I force myself into “mantra mode:”

One day at at time
Give your MIND time to heal, and not just your body
You’ve accomplished SO MUCH getting sober, probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do–so be proud, take stock, and build on that
Be patient
Stay on track

The last is a big one. Just because my thoughts and feelings are bringing me into the center of a mental black hole, doesn’t mean I have to let them. Sit back and watch them pass. They will. And, don’t react to anything. Just sit back, grind it out if need be (you can do it, you really can), and let them go. And, they will. Annnnnnd, then it’s back to your regularly scheduled PLUGGING and PLODDING, which are, by the way, AMAZING programs. Have you seen them? If not, you should. 😉

Time to get to work, I suppose. Poor old me, with all these CHOICES and OPPORTUNITIES. (For me, remembering that I bring on a lot of my stress due to overthinking and overplanning, due to expectations and self-judgments–it helps to remember that all these ideas and choices and things to do are GOOD, nothing is BAD, and no one is out to get me, beat me, or otherwise hurt me. Unless we’re talking about journalistic colleagues and people I’ve hurt while drunk, but I’m going to ignore the fact that I have very real enemies and pretend everyone is riding a unicorn with sparkly teeth, just like mine.)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, fatigue, goals, recovery, sober, sober mantra, sobriety, tired, wine, women

Comments 13 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Goals, Recovery, Sobriety, Work

Depression, purging at AA meetings, and cosmic consciousness — oh, my!

20 Nov

12:51 pm

That’s pretty much all I have to say!

NOT!

Things are still drama-free (in my head), and life (and death) are still presenting themselves at face value, with no hidden meanings and/or tricks up their sleeves. Which is nice. For once in a long time, I feel…a monotony to this sense of peace and calm about being alive and being human. Kind of like I used to feel. Secure in my choices, personal and professional.

Which makes me think, maybe booze DID have a serious effect on my state of mind? Duh. It made me depressed, and what a strange feeling to come out of that, look back, and notice it. It’s subtle, but at the same time, it’s everything. It’s hard to articulate, and it makes me think of my dad, who is struggling with a serious bout of depression — going on 5 years or something. I wish he’d take meds again. Oh, well, not mine to worry about.

Many a thing I’ve been learning in AA, just from listening and identifying:

1. I don’t have to believe — internalize — other people’s anger and/or accusations. I don’t even have to acknowledge them besides letting them go in one ear and out the other. I know me, and I know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve tried making amends with certain crazy-bitch “sister-in-law”-type people, and well, I don’t need to worry anymore about it. Does it/she still piss me off when I think about it? Yup. Do I need to hold onto that? No.

2. AA meetings are place to vent! To purge, as it were. I think I’m beginning to understand the group therapy aspect to it: if you vent your anger, frustrations, difficulties with drinking, remorse, etc. to others who care and identify, you don’t need to bottle it up; which inevitably will lead to drinking, exploding on someone in a drunken tirade, or any other self-destructive behavior. Here’s a spot-on excerpt from a post at October O Nine, with credit to Running On Sober for featuring it in reference to purging at meetings, holidays, and staying sober during them:

We now celebrate everyday and we purge our fears, anger and sadness daily to our sober sisters and live happy, joyous and free. Most Earth People don’t; they swallow their anger, bury their fears and suppress their sadness, telling themselves that soon it will be the holiday, they will have their food, family and drinks around them for the day and everything will be alright in the world. But today’s expectations are tomorrow’s resentments and they will be into the drinks and that anger, fear and sadness will start to bubble to the surface and whoever is present is going to bear the brunt.

3. I can’t overreact to, control, or fix other people’s problems. I don’t have to care. The last part I wonder about, but I’m feeling like, no, it is NOT my responsibility to care. I WANT to care, most of the time, and I do. I’ve made an effort to be more in touch with my family, to call more, to simply make myself available. However, I don’t have to care if they don’t respond or reciprocate.

4. Meditate. It doesn’t matter if you sit and don’t think, or sit and think; just try. I don’t even like trying to “not think” anymore; I just like to Sit and Be, thoughtlessness be damned. Try anything that takes you out of your head. For me, that’s physical activity; or, working (researching and writing).

5. I think there are a LOT of people in AA who have serious difficulty conceptualizing “God” and “how to meditate,” just like me! After almost 20 meetings in a row (I will miss one tonight; too bad), I’ve realized: there is no one way. There is no one way to understand it. Maybe I’m totally close-minded for NOT believing that a benevolent god oversees our daily activities, but that matters less to me now. I do believe in something — cosmic consciousness is as close to it as I can explain. That is acceptable, as far as I can tell, by AA! What a relief! The thought that everyone in the room simply accepts “God” as a being or some sort of benevolent force — a Biblical God — is now a bit absurd to me. Of course everyone in the room has struggled like I have. It is a process, a seeking, an increasing understanding — present tense, not past. And, totally changing all the time, for everyone.

My boyfriend and I are heading to Puerto Rico today for the holiday. After last year’s major fiascos (Thanksgiving at my brother’s, being sober and feeling VERY self-conscious about it — they asked me not to drink, yet they drank throughout the entire four or five days I was there; Christmas Eve in [cold west coast sity] — another shameful story for another post; New Year’s at my older brother’s, getting shitfaced, blacking out, and screaming bloody murder at my brother and his girlfriend, who is still hating me for it), I SWORE I was NOT doing holidays with the family this year. It’s my gift to myself. And, you know what? I deserve it. I don’t need to put myself through it again.

So…there ya have it! 😉

As for drinking? Eh, I don’t really feel like it, and it’s a consistent lack of desire. WHEW. I never EVER thought I’d feel a reprieve, and here it is. I don’t know if I don’t want to (75%) or I’ve convinced myself that the effects of drinking are shite (25%), but it’s enough to keep me away. I have noticed that the time lapse between romanticizing a drink and thinking about the nonsense that will ensue if I choose to have it has definitely decreased. I don’t have to endure the craving for long, if I apply my mental trick of “avoidance therapy” (my version of shock therapy, I guess). I really hope/pray (ha!) that it’s a mental trick that I can consistently rely on going forward. I also have begun to mentally associate feeling drunk with feeling hung over; my mind is putting a negative spin even on the “high” of the first drink or two. I never believed that my thought patterns could change like this; maybe a re-wiring is happening, but it doesn’t seem to be a conscious effort on my part. AWESOME, big old brain! You ain’t so bad after all. 😉

Coming up on 6 weeks sober this Thursday! Woot woot!

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cosmic consciousness, depression, drinking, God, higher power, holidays, psychology, recovery, sober, sobriety, Thanksgiving, travel, wine, women

Comments 7 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Depression, God, Higher Power, Meditation, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Travel

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Drunky Drunk Girl

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Depression, purging at AA meetings, and cosmic consciousness — oh, my!

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