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And, the AA meeting was good!

9:13 am

Not much to say beyond that. Sure, I want to drink and no, I don’t believe having people to “call” when I want to down wine is going to help — it never has yet — but I’m willing to give it a shot.

When I shared, I mainly did it to let people know that I wasn’t sure how to proceed after getting sober. And, I’m sad — nay, heartbroken — over losing my go-to coping mechanism. I can’t drink anymore, so now what? Life is grand, so now what? I’ve moved and am working, so now what? For me, being sober and sobriety are two entirely separate realities: like, yeah, of course, two months down the line, three months, four months, whatever it’s been, the cravings have subsided; even the obsession seems to be lifting. That’s because I know that wine isn’t what I really want, or need, and most importantly, no longer does the trick. So, why waste time trying to fix “it” with a broken tool?

(I didn’t always feel this way — see my earlier posts — so I guess that’s progress. BUT, I have made this progress on my own…)

The cravings and the pity party aside, I still look at that first step and go, so, how does this relate to getting sober and Sobriety, with a capital S. Life? Powerless over booze, life unmanageable. Sure. So, maybe I have put down the drink. That doesn’t mean that I have any more answers to my questions to life, to the grind than I ever did or ever will. Does AA provide any more than a community of fellow seekers then?

I am just not sure how free therapy and a fellow community is going to erase my drinking problem. I drink to medicate, as we all do. HOW WILL BITCHING TO OTHERS MAKE THAT GO AWAY? So far, I’ve bitched a lot to others, and while it might make the cravings easier to deal with, it doesn’t take them away. AA is not a cure, then. Perhaps it’s more of a crutch, something to help you manage.

Meh. Getting sober is hard work. Sobriety, then, will be continuous hard work.

Raaaaaaambling. I owe you a bunch of posts, but today I have a full day’s work to do (good) and it’s HOT. I’m not used it yet.

There is an AA meeting at 5:30, so I guess I’ll “plan my day” around that. “Keep coming back.” Blah blah blah. I really don’t feel like going, at this very moment of writing. Oh, well, going to put on a fake face and pretend. I’m a journalist, this is old hat to me! 😉 (Plus, it’s a good way to meet people here, if anything else.)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 11 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Sobriety

Going to my first AA meeting tonight, and…

16 Oct

1:50 pm

it’s a miracle? The fact that I’ve only drunk about nine or 10 times since June 13th can’t be explained otherwise, can it? Maybe I’d just had enough.

Well, I’m working. Yay! A goal made real. I have two ongoing writing gigs and a possible third coming up on Thursday, all through “word of mouth” (or, friends of friends, coworkers of coworkers). Imagine what I could do if I actually put the work into pitching, reporting, and writing? All in due time. I beat myself up a lot, nothing is ever good enough. I want wine now, to deal with that feeling, but I know I don’t, can’t, and refuse anyway, so there. Fuck off, wolf!

My boyfriend is going to take me to my first (well, second) AA meeting (on the island) tonight, at a church downtown. It’s a woman’s meeting. Yes, I’m feeling a bit…uncomfortable, but I can do it. I mean, if I can get through:
moving out of [cold west coast city] and leaving a/my “life” behind (though, I still have my storage unit in [cold east coast city], so if all else fails, I could always move into that ;));
spending a week with first, my mom, then, my dad;
receiving and replying to nasty hate-mail from my brother’s gf (and the whole situation coming to a head…);
settling into a new life living with someone (gulp);

I CAN DEFINITELY HANDLE INTRODUCING MYSELF AS A DRUNK WHO WANTS TO NOT BE ONE.

Anyway, will check back in later, friends!

(Once again, this morning, I realized how awesome it is to have this community. And, it never would have happened if I hadn’t made the initiative to get sober. Where it came from, I still don’t know. The closest approximation I can make is, I had had enough.)

Tags: AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, moving, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Family, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

Settling in…

14 Oct

1:26 am

The past two days have been…difficult. However, I’m strong, must move forward, and must hit the return key on the autopilot program if necessary. I am not drinking, period.

I drank on the plane and then with dinner on Thursday night, and while Thursday and Friday were productive and great (it’s really nice to see my boyfriend again!), today felt ROUGH. After spending most of the day shopping for new household items, food, and general stuff, we came home and had a quiet night here. I went for a short run and saw the most stunning “shooting star.” It looked like a ball of fire slowly streaking across the northern sky, slow enough that I thought it was an aircraft. Please don’t abduct me, I thought to myself. Even though I’m only on Day 2 (Day 3 today), I still want to win this game called sobriety.

I feel happy to be here in [beautiful island where I now live] — I feel at home, for the most part. Yet, I’ve also got this just-went-off-to-college feeling, which is strange, since I correlate this with leaving family, the nest. Isn’t this my family now, my nest? Apparently, it’s going to take time. I think giving up my place, my “single life,” my independence in a way, well, it’s left me feeling a bit uncertain. Apprehensive. Scared, even! I know it takes a while to settle in somewhere, and even longer to make friends. I just have to have patience and not let my brain get the better of me.

Tonight, I really wanted to shut it down with wine. The “it” is not the anxiety, per se; I feel like I just can’t think. Like, all the grey matter has been sucked out of my brain by a medium-sized vacuum cleaner. Even my writing is stilted. ARG. Maybe I simply need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and treat this next few months like I’ve been treating my time here, as a “temporary vacation” (during which I freelance)?

Anyway, I’m sad about not being able to medicate this feeling away, as it’s very uncomfortable. Little puffs of anxiety, a gloomy sense of lack of direction, a looming fear of what-now and what’s-next. Shit! However, I know intellectually that booze is the last thing I need. So, I resisted a very strong urge tonight, and while it still hasn’t subsided along with this feeling of having no neuronal activity, I’m committing again to 100 percent abstinence. I GOT THIS.

Looking forward to sharing more soon re: the stuff I mentioned the other night.

Day 3 today! (And unfortunately, I have the feeling that the canvas color will be long and tedious, with small pockets of mania, welcome splashes of pure joy, and speckled dots of certainty. Such is life.)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, moving, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Cravings, Moving, Sobriety, Uncategorized

Made it to my new home! Let the real work begin…

13 Oct

3:16 am

I definitely sense the fact that getting sober and maintaining sobriety only starts after several months of not drinkin’. I drank both yesterday and the night before (two beers, and then two beers, and then two beers), but it’s OK. Onward and upward; I refuse to give up. And the thick, wonderful air of the [beautiful island where I now live]; the lush foilage; the night sky packed with stars; the near-roar of the coqui frogs — these have my back, too. 😉

Anyway, I’m tired and happy and somewhat overwhelmed. Haven’t written in a few days, but that’s more due to the fact of being in literal transit for the past 48 hours than not having a ton to recount, rehash, and wonder about re: sobriety.

Some points I’d like to cover in the next few posts:

1. Making amends with assholes. Seriously. My brother’s girlfriend responded, as I said in another post, viciously to my attempt — a very sincere one — to say I was sorry. I don’t necessarily know how to deal with that. However, now I realize:

2. Sobriety and letting go is REAL. It’s real in that you are clear-headed enough to make a sincere choice to have — or NOT — certain people in your life. Not only do I see what I was, and what I was doing, I see what “they” are and what they’ve been doing. I believe the past however many months of practicing and then actually becoming (becoming is the key word here) sober has lent me a newfound clarity and confidence when it comes to judging situations, making choices, and (more) calmly standing up for what I’m thinking rather than second-guessing myself. I have to stop caring about what others think, even if they’re family, and I have to let people who have equally nasty issues in their lives deal with them on their own. I don’t have to carry their burdens. I can care about them, but I don’t have to carry them. And, I don’t have to take abuse; I can shrug it off and move on, happily. I can choose who remains in my life, just as they can choose whether or not they want to “forgive and forget.”

3. Drinking “normally” again is possible, but I think my choice will be sobriety. I’ve learned so much the past few months, and I’ve become so much stronger, mentally and emotionally, that left at that, it’s almost a no-brainer. The clincher, what really convinces me, is the fact that I really don’t NEED to drink, to alter my reality such that it’s blurred, or “more exciting,” or whatever. Drinking is basically really quite boring.

I drank again, two beers the night before last with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time, then two on the flight from O’Hare to Miami, and then two last night with dinner. I felt really tipsy, and it was irritating. I felt full. I felt somewhat stupid. I wanted to shake it out of my head. And, as is always the case with beer, I can’t do more than two before my brain turns off the “want beer now” switch. Thankfully, I have an off switch when it comes to beer. Anyway…there is just a BIG something to be said for not being beholden to or obsessed by wine. It’s a prison, and this mentality affects every aspect of my day, my mind, and my character.

4. Speaking of characteristics, drinking causes depression. Duh. Yet, overdrinking is definitely circumstantial, too.

5. Fear of intimacy was a huge trigger for me, including relationships and sex. I’ve known this for a long time, but it relates to this fact: getting over what seem to be huge mental and emotional hurdles helps one stay sober in that the process of doing this stuff while sober sort of takes away the obsession (which is based, for me anyway, in fear) to drink.

Enough for tonight. I have to get some rest as this weekend will be more transitioning, unpacking, settling into a new life (gulp). I only cried once since leaving [cold west coast city] last Wednesday — well, twice, but once was crying because my hangover kicked my ass so hard — and that was more a release for the past upsetting week spent with my dad. Lots of weird drama there, but that’s for another post, too.

Good night, friends!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Sobriety

Day 7…AGAIN…and zero desire to drink

9 Oct

11:38 am

For real! And, considering the fact that I’ve been doing the family thing AND dealing with my brother and his cuckoo bird of a girlfriend…I feel pretty strong!

BRING IT!

Actually, what I think it is — and I don’t want to knock abstinence, because I’m closer than EVER to believing in it — is that I caved, tried my drinking shoes on again (and again), and they were so very, horribly uncomfortable. In fact, I couldn’t even walk in them. So, now that I’ve found that out, I can move forward, knowing that the cravings will lead to no good.

I am, however, the type of personality that needs to see for myself. Experiment. I’m curious, a scientist. I don’t think that falling off the wagon oh, six or seven times in the past 90 days is necessary for everyone to succeed at abstinence.

Anyhoo, I’m here, seeing family and feeling pretty solid. My favorite aunt is in town, and she surprised us by being at my grandma’s when my dad and I popped over for a visit yesterday! AWESOME. She’s just one of those aunts who was always cool, young, hip, a friend. NORMAL. (My brothers and I needed normal back in the day.) She’d come over and give us kids massive hugs (her 5-foot, 100-pound frame doing little to belie her huge heart) when we were growing up within a very dysfunctional household. She and her sister don’t really get along with my dad, and my step-mom doesn’t really get along with either of them, and my dad has never really gotten over his own mother leaving them when they were kids and committing suicide… And now, my brother has basically condoned his girlfriend’s hate-mail to me the other day (more on that later, re: making amends and what you do when someone responds viciously to your attempt at that), and he and his girlfriend hate my father, but everyone, it seems, ranges from extreme dislike to extreme disappointment at my brother’s choice of partner…

Like I said, I’m feeling strong! LOL All I can do is make my way, remain standing tall, smile, and continue to express myself such that everyone knows that I care, I’m still doin’ my thing, and once I leave Breederville again, I’ll neither hate nor look back. I’ll just love. Everyone. For everything they gave me. Even all the dysfunctional, bad stuff.

Off the box. Must write/work now, get some sort of cardio in (ugh, feels like my heart is beating out of my chest from lack of exercise), and then off on another awkward lunch with my dad. Do I bring up his depression (we’re pretty sure he is an actual case of bipolar disorder), and his choices/future, what he’s doing about it? Ugh. I don’t know. It’d be SO much easier to just let it go, just be there for him. Yet…I feel like that would be letting it sit, fester. I don’t know.

At least the farm is peaceful and calm.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, amends, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, making amends, recovery, sobriety, travel, wine, women

Comments 7 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Family, Gratitude, Recovery, Sobriety, Travel

Made it to my dad’s! The fall colors look a bit brighter…

8 Oct

11:28 am

than they used to, looking out from my childhood bedroom window. (Yes, I stay in the room I slept in from the years 5 to 14 when I come home!)

I grew up on a dairy farm in [Corn Belt state], and I’m staying here for a few days. It’s been over 3 years since I’ve been “home home,” so this feels…good. Necessary. Time.

And, we’re making our way through the “so, you quit drinking” conversations, which tend to get even more awkward still because, well, let’s just say my dad is not the least awkward person in the world or the most expressive. BUT, that’s for another post, and I only have a few minutes before I have to do some work and then head out to see my grandma.

Last night, I got a very nasty Facebook mail from my brother’s girlfriend, I think EVEN TOPPING the level of nasty that I threw her way during my drunken blackout on New Year’s Eve. The fact that she has mental problems is one thing (ironic, isn’t it, that someone would get drunk and call me a “stupid worthless cunt who no man will ever love” and tell me to “die” when what she’s pissed about, supposedly, is me getting drunk and calling her the same kind of names = crazybird). It’s an entirely other thing that my brother made excuses for her, didn’t even apologize, and barely gave me a heads-up to look out for a message from her on FB yesterday when we talked on the phone. Yep, sobriety is a journey, and I don’t hold grudges, BUT…I can say — at least at the moment — that I don’t want her or HIM in my life anymore. At all. And maybe it took this drama and getting sober to realize how spineless and well, pathetic they both seem to have become. (And, it’s not that I’m saying that without having thought loads about it; I think I’ve finally decided that some people are worth it, and some aren’t. And, that includes biological family.)

(Also, I drank non-alcoholic wine the other night, and really didn’t like it. I felt the slightest hint of a buzz, but then I thought it might have been psychosomatic. In any case, I can say, going on day 6 again, I don’t really feel like being buzzed. I didn’t like the feeling the other night, of possibly being buzzed, and I hope that is significant and lasts.)

Wow. I will post a pic or two of the fall colors here. Gorgeous! I know I wasn’t born here, but I am OF here. Heart.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, family, moving, sobriety, travel, wine, women

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Family, Sobriety, Travel

You’re ALL supposed to be on my blogroll…

5 Oct

2:32 pm

…but, you’re not! Must fix this tonight.

(For some reason — maybe I should tweak my widgets? — some of the AWESOME blogs by all of my AWESOME, ROCK-SOLID, INSPIRING sober bloggers aren’t showing up in my blogroll. This will change soon!)

On that note, I made it through one dinner sober while others were drinking, have to make it through another big one tonight, and then possibly one tomorrow night (which may not include booze, I’m not sure yet). THEN, I get to spend a LONG three whole days with my dad and step-mom in [Corn Belt state], where I must admit, the white wine in a box will definitely be calling my name.

BUT, hey, cravings come and cravings go. This is a fact. One that I really, well, approve of. (Yes, there are facts in life I don’t particularly approve of.) AND, I can do this. I really can. Last night, the whiff of wine made me feel sick, so I’m hoping even the IDEA of box wine makes me go, Oh, HELLS NO.

I have so many new insights I’d like to share re: this sobriety thing, but I must get outside today. It snowed here in [western state] last night, but it’s not too cold out right now. And, I really need to walk out some of the tension in my back. Good news is that the leg pain is subsiding = whew. Pretty soon, I think I’ll be able to start running again and get some of the harder-core detoxing and endorphins-releasing going on again! Thank God(dess).

See y’all soon!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, box wine, cravings, drinking, endorphins, exercise, running, sobriety, travel, wine, women

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Gratitude, Running, Sobriety, Travel

Made it to my mom’s! Let the “No, thanks, I’m not drinking” begin!

4 Oct

2:00 pm

Sorry, this post is going to be a little all over the place, but I only have a few minutes to cover yet a lot more ground, another learning experience, and some new insights. I have to say, this ride is, at the very least, an interesting one!

So, “No, thanks, I’m not drinking”. Well, I don’t think I’ll have to be apologizing (why do I feel like that?) for not drinking around my brother and mom. They are extremely supportive of my quitting drinking, but still. Lots of chatting, eating, and general lounging makes for, well, lots of liquids being consumed. Oh, well, I really, REALLY do not want to be hung over here. Oof. NOT fun at this altitude.

Whew, what a frightfully busy past few days, which I’ll blog more about in detail later. In short:

After my trip to Palm Springs and Joshua Tree National Park (heart), I drove back to LAX on Monday and flew home that night. The next day — my last in [cold west coast city], thankfully — I rented a pickup and hauled some boxes to be shipped to the PO, cleaned, sorted, packed, re-sorted, dumped, left shit in my closet, DRANK, and in general, ended my “tenure” in that town on a very familiar — and depressing — note. I can go into it later, but the most important things are: I survived yet another hefty consumption of wine (two bottles = oof); and then, a VERY long next day packing my luggage, dropping lost/left items off (I passed out on my friend, ended up locking him out, and then had to repair the “damage” done by dropping of his left backpack at his offices downtown before heading to the airport yesterday morning = FUCK), giving up keys, catching cabs, flying, and shuttling in vans before I was able to put my head down on a soft pillow and forget about the night before and the early morning hours of dry heaving over my bathroom sink. (That’s happened a handful of times, and usually only after a LOT of alcohol. The worst part, though? Crying about it, because I felt so helpless. It was quite pitiful. BUT, I felt much better afterward and somehow (read: will of steel) made my way through the day.)

I am at my mom’s, and she’s great. I forgot how NICE it is to talk to her; and really, I must say, I feel relatively comfortable talking about my alcohol addiction. The last time I was here — a year ago? — it was obvious I had one, but I was very jumpy and still in denial. I have learned SO much over the past three months; over the course of my (attempts at) quitting, my acceptance of my addiction, my at least hitting a few AA meetings, my re-evaluation of my life and person and choices — my self-imprisonment, as it were. THE BEST THING ONE CAN DO IS ADMIT SHE/HE HAS A PROBLEM. What a positive thing. For some reason, I’m seeing it much differently; as in, if there is a problem, the first step toward solving it (success!) is finding it, defining it, and putting it into terms that can be worked out. When I look at addiction like that, I see nothing wrong or shameful about admitting you have a problem. The opposite, actually. It’s horrible that our society emphasizes the negative aspects of addiction and other “invisible” psychological illness when it’s recognized, rather than the opposite.

Much more to share, but we’ll be doing some stuff together today and then going over to my brother’s for dinner. While I’m still feeling open and revealing about the drinking thing, I’m not sure how much I’ll want to share again and again — my family, ironically, is a big fan of talking about things, in great and honest detail. (Except for me, who hides and keeps secrets. KEPT secrets.) BUT, I’m going to go in and y’know, tell it with pride and with decision: This is what I’ve done and what I’m aiming for the next few months, and I’m really glad about that and well, if you have your doubts, then have them, but I know I can DO THIS.

Thank you all for being there and listening. You are great friends to have on this journey. 🙂

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, hangover, hung over, sobriety, travel, wine, women

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Hangover, Moving, Sobriety, Travel

Nothing like a trip to the desert to get the juices flowing…

30 Sep

11:08 pm

And to Tire. Me. Out.

Over the past few days, I not only planned a last-minute — and cheap and fun and perfect — three-day, two-night trip to Palm Springs/Joshua Tree National Park, I went! (What girl who was a teenager in the late 80s/early 90s wasn’t in love with Bono — whatever he wants, I want! — and therefore, Joshua Tree? (Remember the album cover?) Hmm? I dare you to say you weren’t.)

A great “no duh” moment: I realized that planning — and doing — trips like these require that get-up-and-go, that “capable-ness”, that *something* that is so integral to a non-depressed, non-drinking human being, it’s hard to notice it’s even there until it’s gone. It’s like the tarp under your tent, or the roof on your house; integral, foundational. I haven’t taken a trip like this in a long time; I can’t imagine having had that decisiveness, that go-with-the-flow/everything-will-turn-out-fine attitude while drinking. I didn’t even think twice about how much energy or will it would take, I was too busy bouncing off the fucking WALLS when I booked my flights and hotel the DAY BEFORE! I’ve wanted to go to Joshua Tree for as long as I can remember, and Palm Springs (and Desert Hot Springs, for my back) just made sense. Anyway, more on that in another post, to come soon.

(And, man, the trip down was a trip. I was hung over (6th time’s a charm; today is Day 2… AGAIN.) and literally felt it until I dropped into bed at my hotel last night around 10 pm. I had been up since 4, and had gotten only 3 hours sleep. And flew, with a hangover. Flying while hung over should be made illegal; and yet, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve flown NOT with a raging hangover. What sort of masochist am I?)

Long story short, I hiked a lot today — 7 miles — and my back feels great. Not pain-free, but not as bad as even just this morning. I think it’s due to one, the lack of humidity; two, the actual exercise of all those interconnected muscles that seem to be making one another more and more sore with less and less activity; and three, the lack of Hangover From Hell. (I must say, I am committed to getting back on it; that hangover was ridic, and the more I think about what I’ve gained from sobriety, the more I really Want What They’re Having, so to speak. And, the more I know I need it.)

More on all this later, and on some of my thoughts while hiking. I’m beat, and so will leave you with a lone picture of my beloved joshua trees.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, hangover, hiking, hung over, Joshua Tree, Joshua Tree National Park, Palm Springs, travel, wine, women

Comments 4 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Hangover, Sobriety, Travel, Uncategorized

And, I’m back…

27 Sep

11:26 pm

I had to take a little break from blogging the past two days, mainly because I’ve been feeling a bit…overexposed. (And busy selling off the rest of my furniture, booking flights, running last-minute errands, working here and there as it goes). Oh, and I also drank. TWICE.

Blarg! IT’S 100% NOT FUN ANYMORE.

I guess I don’t really know how to explain my choice to drink twice this week except for one, I’ve already broken my count so why not, and two, I wanted to “see how it felt.” Usually when I drink, it’s in response to feeling horrible, depressed, and/or desperate! Actually, I can’t remember the last time I drank when I didn’t feel like that. Anyway, I didn’t feel that way Tuesday night or Wednesday night; I felt more or less like I could take it or leave it. (If I’m honest, I think I just WANTED to. BUT, I wasn’t desperate for it.) I haven’t drunk for so long in that mindset that I was like, Well, I wonder how it — drinking — would feel if I actually didn’t go overboard? (I had absolutely no intention of inducing the same kind of hangover I had last week, that I knew.)

Well? It didn’t feel good. In fact, it’s reinforced more my desire to not drink, and to build on what I’ve accomplished both mentally and physically over the past three months. I’m feeling the worst about breaking down, slowly but surely, what I’ve built; I work hard, and I hate to see good work go to waste. KEEP THE FAITH, I keep telling myself. THINK BACK, I say, to all those nights in [cold east coast city], all those days when you were detoxing and feeling shiteous, all those moments you had to fight so hard to not run out and get a bottle. THOSE DAYS ARE GONE. However, I can see them returning if I sneak behind my back and drink once, twice, now three, then four times a week… You can see where it’s headed; so can I.

The first night I ordered Indian food and had three glasses. I was REALLY drunky drunk after just those three, so much so that I could barely think clearly enough to book flights. It was weird; I felt more or less mentally compromised to the point of having no functioning thought process. Not fun. AND, I felt so gross that night. One of those nights where you don’t drink enough to pass out, but you drink enough to feel totally gross, toss and turn, and feel every single ounce of ethanol pass through every single cell of your liver…for hours and hours. AND, I was hung over before I even went to bed. Bleh!

The next night, same thing (with the spicy Indian food), but I downed a whole bottle. I was hung over today, and it was not fun. Not as bad as the other day, but yeah. What stopped me from overdoing it beyond a bottle was the conditioning after last week’s bender (where I blacked out and broke my glasses) — I am literally AFRAID of having a hangover like that again.

So, no, thanks.

I’m not that disappointed, as it’s just another step forward in further convincing myself — and strengthening my resolve — to not drink. If it doesn’t work anymore, there really is zero point in doing it. It’s almost like caffeinated coffee, which for me has become a distant (albeit sweet) memory: back when I had my first panic attack in 2005, I had to stop drinking coffee altogether. The panic attack seemed to have “rewired” my brain, is all I can say. I used to be a coffee FIEND, but now, it just feels like someone turned a radio station to static in my brain. I haven’t had a cup of coffee since that day in November, going on 7 years ago. I would love to, but it just doesn’t work the way it used to. I’d never go back, though, let me tell you. No more ups and downs; no more sour stomach; no more extreme hunger pangs. Sure, I don’t get to get buzzed, but that’s OK, too, especially when it comes to sounding NOT like a total meth-head when I’m talking, interviewing, and/or writing. 😉

So, moving along. Starting over. Realizing that there are big things that need to be passed over and MUCH bigger things that lie in wait. This little hamster-depression-wheel can only whir for so long before LIFE, in all its actual glory, shines through and makes drinking grape water so…boring. (Although, there IS still a small(ish) pocket of brain cells whining in the background, But, maybe… Maybe it was this one time, or maybe it’s PMS fucking with the way it works, or maybe I just need to drink with people, or, I know, maybe I need to drink in a geographical location where the fog particles aren’t messing with the alcohol content…Huh?)

SHUT UP! 😉

(What am I, Gollum? My PRECIOUS. Jesus, get ahold of yourself, woman!)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, hangover, hung over, psychology, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 9 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers, Uncategorized

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Drunky Drunk Girl

And, the AA meeting was good!

Settling in…

Made it to my new home! Let the real work begin…

Day 7…AGAIN…and zero desire to drink

Made it to my dad’s! The fall colors look a bit brighter…

You’re ALL supposed to be on my blogroll…

Made it to my mom’s! Let the “No, thanks, I’m not drinking” begin!

Nothing like a trip to the desert to get the juices flowing…

And, I’m back…

Hi, it’s DDG!

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Hi, it’s DDG!

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Blogroll

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