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You have to go through it to get through it

9:39 pm

I REALLY wanted to drink last night. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY. Frustration, disappointment in self, ennui, fear of the past and future, sadness… I spent the day on the couch, feeling ill, too, which only contributed to this pent-up bad juju.

A fog of desire, that’s what it was. A fog of desire to drink. To drown it out, drown it away.

I used to drink when I felt the way I felt last night. OH, YES, I did. NO WAY IN HELL was I going to let that pimple come to a head. What I mean is, I would shut down the emerging thoughts before they fully formed, effectively transfiguring them into something other, something nebulous–something drunken. I would drink, then weep, yet, I never understood exactly what I was crying about; I knew I felt bad, but I never let myself think the real thoughts, only the drunken, fake ones.

I really wanted to drink the past two days, actually. I’ve just felt low energy, depressed, frustrated. Numerous points, but always the same theme: I’m not doing enough with my talents, I’m wasting valuable time. What’s it all mean? Why create, produce, leave behind, anyway? I’ve forgotten most of my life (I mean, I don’t specifically remember a lot of the hours I’ve been alive, y’know?), what’s the point of creating new memories? (LOL–SUCH a negative thought!) And, of course, the next thought had to come: In fact, what a SHITE thing to do, to have a kid and subject him/her to what I’m feeling and thinking right now, which HAS to cross most people’s minds now and then, right? RIGHT? And on and on. We rented “Ted,” and that was pretty funny, so the night wasn’t ALL BAD, of course! Yet, the whirring continued until my boyfriend went to bed and I was left on the couch (still), wishing I had bought myself a treadmill for Christmas. Or a sledge hammer!

I’ve always felt pressured to accomplish, achieve, create. It’s become an addiction, I know, perceiving my reality this way and reacting to it, usually negatively. However, being sober–getting sober, the process of, actually–has allowed me to begin to see that NO, I don’t have to keep doing what I’ve always done! I have a choice in how I see the world and how I let it make me feel. I mean, I can choose not only WHAT I think about but also HOW I choose to think about certain things, especially my own ideas of productivity, purpose, and achievement. I get to choose how I relate to my thoughts, my feelings, and my gut reactions.

It’s a process, though, so one step forward, two steps back. Last night, I did the usual: I let my brain go there, and pretty soon, I was clenching my gut, nearly wanting to break my teeth because… I…I…What am I doing? What am I doing with my time? Am I simply not a good writer? Have I become a has-been? And then, the thought of thoughts, the rotten core of the apple:

Have I lost myself in being sober? Which, of course, almost instantaneously morphed into, Sobriety has taken myself away from me!

Evil-doer, DEVIL sobriety.

Today, I’m not sure what to think about this melodramatic conclusion except, it’s sort of true. I am no longer my old self. I no longer have wine to boost my mood, to encourage me to want to do what I thought I wanted to do. Without wine, I don’t do this and I don’t do that, so did I ever really LIKE doing this and that? Was I even good at it?

Moreover, I just feel–feel is the key word; feelings are tricky, remember?–like I’m no longer myself! Sure, I’m a new self, and probably a better one. But, I MISS the old me. The “fun” me. I realized I haven’t danced alone in my room since June! That saddens me. And, I have to say, not drinking has left me feeling more content but less happy. I don’t get to get giddy, to let off steam. Sure, I could do this sober, but…why haven’t I?

So, that thought of “I’ve lost myself in getting sober” was what sent me on a crying jag. No wine, though, to initiate it for no apparent reason…and to instantly turn it off when the wine wears off. You know how that goes: you get drunk, you turn on a song (fuck you, Damien Rice), and you start bawling. It feels good, mainly because you DO have something to bawl about but it’s deep down and you simply don’t want to bring it up, or you CAN’T, or you can’t without the wine; and then, the song ends, you abruptly stop crying, and you refill your glass…likely now laughing. At something equally ethereal and, well, NOT REAL.

Last night, the opposite. Real pain, real tears. A staring-me-in-the-face realization that YES, maybe I will never be the same person, maybe I will no longer be able to identify with that self, which I’ve been living with for a long time. Yes, I am getting older; yes, I might not have children; yes, I might be a has-been, as far as the science writing community in [cold east coast city] goes. Yes, yes, yes. And, it hurts.

But you know what? This, too, shall pass. Cry, sit there and sulk in the dark, and then realize, who the FUCK cares anyway aside from little old you? LOL. Like, if John Doe over there doesn’t even KNOW what I’m going through let alone can even identify with it, is it really worth fussing over? Let it go. CHOOSE how you react to your own Never Never Land of thoughts, Drunky Drunk Girl. It’s not real…

A funny thing happened, then, which is pretty simple: I felt better. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I had made some sort of progress. Moved forward, or at least moved beyond a certain point. If I had drunk to drown out my thoughts and feelings, I never would have processed them. I might have had a fake catharsis (cry, hit someone, pass out exhausted), but I would have woken up in the same place–still sad, still semi-baffled and unclear, and worse, HUNG OVAH.

So, the title of my post: you have to go through it to get through it. For me, desiring to drink these days is much less about wanting to get drunk and happy as it is avoiding confronting my “issues.” Which is a good thing to know, really. Simple, but it takes what it takes, right? Oh, AA, I must thank you for your funny little expressions that I’ve sort of come to adore.

(I’ve decided that the Big Book is a bunch of malarkey, but we’ll blog about that another night.)

AND, thank you, Sobersphere, you’ve kept me once again from ruining my streak with one false move–coming up on 90 days in about a week and a half!

Tags: accomplishment, achievement, alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, cravings, depression, drinking, ennui, goals, productivity, psychology, recovery, sense of purpose, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 32 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Coping mechanisms, Cravings, Depression, Life, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers, Work, Writing

Perspective…and post-hoilday pangs

27 Dec

10:10 pm

Oy. I got ’em. Well, I got pangs, but I don’t got (ouch, sorry, Mom) perspective.

The past few days I’ve felt like a mack truck hit me. I just can’t. Do. Anymore. Taking care of shit. AND, it’s not like I had THAT much to do!? What is wrong with me? All I know is, I’m way too hard on myself AND, drinkin’ won’t fix these (post-)holiday blues…

Anyway, I’m tired. Overwhelmed by…what, exactly? The holidays are kind of bullshit. I mean, stressful, running, spending, expecting, performing, judging…no fucking wonder people go crazy. Someone in my AA circle hanged herself a few days before Christmas. It’s one of those things that just sticks in the back of your mind, rests there like a benign tumor. I had met and talked to her a few times, and she seemed to be, well, on something. Talk about my little first-world problems meaning nothing. Annnnnd, now I’m feeling guilty for having any feelings at all about my life. ARG.

I really wanted to drink today. Feeling somewhat exhausted from the constant telling myself that I really didn’t want to partake in the “fun” at multiple Christmas get-togethers; remaining cheerful even when I felt a little bit like stomping my feet and throwing a tantrum inside; looking on Facebook to see multiple people/friends, OF COURSE, publishing articles, and books, and yada fucking yada. Me? STILL stalling. No pitching, no reporting, no writing. I could do it, I could be competitive. I’m wasting my talents, I often think. Have I simply chosen not to participate, at least for now? Am I just lazy, or still burnt out? Or, maybe I, um, had a mental/nervous breakdown the past three years (since I was fired from my job after a disastrously drunken Christmas party shenanigan–I yelled at my CEO and then missed two days work because I, um, went to jail for disorderly conduct…). In any case, it’s time, isn’t it? Shouldn’t I be busting a move? What is wrong with me?

All these thoughts were circling in my head as I woke this morning. And, I woke from a dream in which I woke up to find that I had gotten shitfaced and texted mean things to like, 20 people while sleeping. Let me repeat: I dreamt that I drank while I was asleep and did a bunch of mean things. So, there is now something called “drunkwalking” in my world, which is made even more meta because I dreamt about it. Jesus.

Today, I tried, but it was hard to really appreciate any of it. The water, the beach with my boyfriend, the sunshine, my new bikini and wrap… So, I decided to come home, take a deep breath, walk the dogs, gaze at the marvelous moonrise through a set of pink clouds, and eat cake. My boyfriend invited me out to the bar where he works, but I just don’t feel like sitting around watching people drink and then trying to have a conversation with someone who won’t remember it and who keeps repeating him/herself anyway…

So, what’s the point of this? Oh, perspective. Wavering at the moment. And I do have pangs, as in “I really want to drink when I hit 90 days”-type pangs, but I’m hoping they’ll pass once I get a handle on my next moves, professionally. This was a problem that nearly floored me when I was drinking, and I would drink and drink and drink over it. Now, I realize that it simply needs to be addressed. I can do it, if I put my mind to it. Drinking will not solve anything, and will only keep me in this place, for longer.

Onward and upward. Or, maybe, let it go and go to bed early. Or, better yet, watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy in preparation for The Hobbit in the theater tomorrow night? YES.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, coping mechanism, coping skills, cravings, depressed, drinking, holiday blues, holidays, lonely, perspective, recovery, sad, sobriety, stress, triggers, wine, women

Comments 11 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Holidays, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers, Work, Writing

Being sober and being drunk have one thing in common

21 Dec

2:03 am

Life.

Lately I’ve been getting the sense that life isn’t that much different sober. I mean, I don’t have to deal with being ill and all the remorse and self-loathing and nonsense that comes with drinking and hangovers, sure. That’s definitely different. But, now that I’m passed the withdrawal stage(s), now that I’m moving beyond–over, I’d say–the cravings; I feel like Life (with a capital L) is still the same.

It’s hard to put my finger on it, but I don’t feel all that much different sober, personally. I’m still a hard worker, when I want to be. I’m still goal-oriented. I still like running, and animals, and music, and writing, and traveling…and all the other million things in this world that make me “me.” I’m just not obsessed with drinking at the end of my days! I’m happier, in general, sure, but it’s not like life is SO much better, or SO much different. I can see more clearly, yes, and my moods have improved. I can rely on my plans, mainly because I know that I’ll wake up in the morning and be able to follow through–yet, I would try to follow through anyway, it was just a billion times harder with a raging hangover. Maybe I’m just used to not drinking now, and all that comes with it.

I’m coasting. YIKES. Me? I keep waiting for the wolf to pounce, for the desire to drink to roar up out of the hole I buried it in; for the blood-sucking vampire to emerge, in full form, from the grave. I keep waiting, checking over my shoulder every few days to see if it’s following me, the wolf or the vampire. (Where art thou, Sparkle-toothed Unicorn?) I’m not sure I’m out of the woods. Truth be told, I know I’m not.

See, if I let my guard down and open a bottle of red, I’d down the whole thing, I’m sure. And then, I’d head off in search of another, I know. Sigh. How can I seem so confident and then realize, by the same token, that I’m still beholden to this compulsion? In other words, I can say all I want about how “good” I feel being sober, but I’d probably get drunk if I could. And, even more maddening, it wasn’t ALWAYS like this. There were days, let’s say when I was 28, 29, 30 years old (just 8 years ago), when I NEVER could have imagined that this obsession–this desire to down oceans of wine instead of one or two glasses–would have such a hold on me. I don’t remember thinking about drinking back then, outside of when I was actually drinking.

Anyway… Today marks 10 WEEKS, or 70 days! Wow. It’s the longest I’ve gone. I never tried to not drink, and over the past 10 years, I should have–I really should have. (It takes what it takes, as they say in AA.) The closest I came was 60 days in August, and now I’ve gone past that by 10. I’m looking ahead toward 90, but I’m not expecting it to drop a pot of gold on my head or anything; life is life, death is death, by turns glorious and surreal.

(I do wonder, though, what I’d be like if I was holding down a “real” job (read: office, deadlines, bitchy editor), or if I was living alone in [cold east coast city]. I’ve constructed a life here that’s pretty temptation-less, and so far, somewhat contained. When the time comes, I’ll deal, right? Right. Let go and let God. ;))

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, compulsive behavior, cravings, drinking, faith, healing, obsession to drink, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 15 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Life, Recovery, Sobriety

8 weeks came and went and…no time for drinkin’!

7 Dec

2:33 pm

Of course, the thought has crossed my mind more than a few times–I have a friend in town who used to be a crazy-ass drinkin’ buddy (we got into a LOT of trouble/troubles together)–but do I have to acknowledge it as anything more than an errant bug in my program? NOPE.

I’m keeping busy and truly enjoying my work (for once), my free time (swimming is a FUN way to exercise, and what do you know, the more fun it is the more I want to do it), and planning my future work and free time. I can go to bed and look forward to waking up and just continuing where I left off. I can plan my days and the work I will do, and know that there won’t be any snags, physical or mental or emotional–alcohol is no longer in my way!

I hate to say this, but I will anyway: I almost feel in control of this thing called “my drinking problem.” Does that mean I’m going to drink? No. Does that mean I have to be extra-vigilant? Not really. All I have to do is not drink. And, the best part is, the sense of control comes from my continued work at thinking myself out of drinking, which seems to have changed things up there because it really is getting easier not only to say no, but also to not want to drink in the first place. I feel like I can (much?) more easily resist my cravings because I know (from experience) that drinking will be exhausting, likely not that much fun, and will ruin the next day. The consequences don’t necessarily have to be major; even minor ones seem to me NOW to be majorly sucky, so why disrupt my flow?

I’ve been to only one meeting this week, and let me tell you, it feels GREAT. Great to be away from AA, to be away from AA people, to be away from the AA mentality. I dislike the “once a drunk, always a drunk” mentality; it bogs me down and seems to me to detract, actually, from my success/progress. Too much AA is well, too much AA. In fact, I find AA depressing; I almost feel LESS empowered, worse about myself, and like, I’ll always have this problem. I don’t know about you, but my question has always and will always be: don’t you want to SOLVE the problem and move on? Can’t you? Can’t you leave it behind, officially stop dwelling? (Maybe once I do the steps and get to #12, it’ll all make sense…) I think it’s AA’s trick to keep you there, which purposely contributes to your fear of drinking and therefore, to your sustained sobriety. For me, there’s something about fearing drinking and fearing my “drinking problem,” not to mention having a perpetual problem that just feels…wrong–eh, two or three meetings a week is enough AA for now.

Anyway, happy Friday to all!

Tags: AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, drinking buddies, psychology, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety

Buh-bye, wine. (‘We are never ever ever getting back together’)

15 Nov

9:23 pm

So, first up, THANK YOU, friends, for talking me down from the ledge. This afternoon, I got over myself and poured it out. The bottle of red that I hurriedly picked up on my way home from a frustrating AA meeting last night, that is.

I poured it down the kitchen sink, but I was going to do it over the toilet. However, I don’t hold grudges (Yellow Tail didn’t intentionally hurt me, so I have to show her (it’s a her) some respect.).

The funny thing is, I video recorded it on my phone! Haha. Me. I was going to post it here for all to see and laugh at, but I can’t seem to upload it via WordPress’s media library. Oh, well. In short, it was of me, tipping the bottle over the sink and saying, “Buh-bye.” Twice. “Buh-bye.” Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!

Whew. I’m over it. Like many people said in their comments to my post last night, getting drunk is simply not worth it. I’ve got 5 weeks as of today, and damn it, it just doesn’t help to drink. It doesn’t work. And, it’s not going to change anything — except to make it worse, because one glass leads to one bottle leads to two bottles leads to…you get the gist. Most importantly, in order to get past this obsession, I need to learn to sit with it. “It” being my bad feelings, my frustration, my cravings/desire to drink. My want. That is what I’m working on simply accepting. And, like I shared in a meeting tonight, paradoxically, when I accept my wanting to drink, it’s easier to deal with it.

Work the muscle. Practice makes perfect.

A strange concept hit me when I was pouring the wine down the drain, strange in that it was the first time I actually conceptualized the fact that wine is not what I want! It is a substance, like any other. And, that it is ONLY that, a substance — external and separate. As I watched my hand through the camera, I realized just how separate wine is from me. How impersonal. It holds my projections, but alone, it means nothing. It could have been red paint, or red gasoline, or red hydrochloric acid.

At that moment, having dramatically separated myself from the bottle, I realized that I didn’t want to DRINK the wine, I wanted to INGEST it. Like, I wanted to bring it toward my heart, cradle it on the inside. It’s interesting to me that our physical hunger and our emotions are tied up in the same neurons in our brain, the same place. Ancient structures control basic needs and essential feelings. So, does my heart hurt, or does my stomach feel empty? It’s quite hard to tell, and maybe it’s both. Do I drink wine, especially, because it fills my empty stomach or my aching heart — or, my aching stomach and my empty heart?

I have known this emotional hunger; Caroline Knapp wrote a must-read book that floored me when I first read it. Drinking: A Love Story hits the nail on the head — and is written with so much eloquence. Booze is a friend, a lover to some. The attachment to your substance of choice is not simply physical, it is emotional. I think what makes it even harder to detach — cut the cord, as one of my friends used to say — from booze is that you’re consuming it. You’re drinking wine and swallowing beer. You’re not inhaling it, or putting it into your veins.

So, anyway, I dumped the wine. A split second moment of sadness and then, relief. Moving on…

I had a great day today, which started at 7 with a swim at the beach! My boyfriend gave me flowers, and I got assigned a bunch of work, which is a direct result of me proactively seeking it out (from my current editors and “co-workers”). Which makes me realize, again, how I need to be more proactive in a LOT of areas in my life.

So, it’s obviously not all bad. I can breathe, and I have four limbs and a healthy fear of aliens. Duh, life is pretty amazing. Still, I can get caught up in my own head and lose perspective. I’ll leave you with one big reason I have to be grateful: my location. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, I deserve this…

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, Caroline Knapp, coping mechanism, coping skills, cravings, drinking, Drinking: A Love Story, emotional hunger, gratitude, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 13 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Gratitude, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

All I have to do is not drink. Really?

12 Nov

12:07 am

Yes, really.

I’m SO tired, so I’ll make it short: today was a very good day, mainly because it was full, it was sober, and it was all OK. I never thought I’d see the day where I could get up at 7, make a meeting by 8, swim by 11, go furniture shopping and grocery shopping and cook and cook some more and talk to my entire family, ALL ON A SUNDAY (“every day is like Sunday, silent and gray”) — and be OK with not drinking during any of it.

MOI? I can’t believe it, but even for me, the mental cravings have diminished to the point of simply putting up with them, like spiders, rather than having to fend off the flailing, wet hands trying to pull me down to the empty grave.

So, yes. Tired, but good tired. And, not at all vexed; it will all get done, it will all work out, and if it doesn’t, then, well, something sure-as-shit-else will! 😉

Seriously. I never in a hundred lifetimes believed that I would be even close to being able to say, I don’t really feel like drinking. But, I don’t. Every day sans The Grape just reinforces that yes, I can make it through the days, the hours, the events, the emotions without drinking. And, I can do it fairly well, not just grinning and bearing it. I never thought the mental cravings would subside to the extent that they have, but, well, they have. Maybe I’ve just shoved them so far down that…? Or, maybe, the “wolf voice” is getting quieter and quieter in favor of the other, stronger “I need to get this done now so please shut it” Buddha voice within?

Rambling. Anyway, this morning, swimming with a new friend who is about 17 years sober, I was like, Ellen, isn’t not drinking enough? I whined, Can’t I just not think about not drinking for a while? Can’t I just not drink? And she was like, That’s exactly what you should do, and I think if you shared that at a meeting, you’d probably get applause. I’ve become tired of thinking about the steps, the confessions, the staring-down-of-self, the wonderings about God and a higher power and What It All Means. I have. So much so that I feel like I’d be bursting everyone’s AA bubble at meetings if I just came out and said, I don’t drink because drinking makes me feel shitty and hung over the next day. Isn’t that enough?

It is. I know it is. I’ll keep going to meetings, but for now, I’m just glad to FINALLY — after almost FIVE months of pretty solid sobriety — feel like I’ve reached the other side and am looking back over my shoulder, panting and breathing a sigh of relief.

Maybe I’ve given up on it working, on it fixing anything, on fixing anything/it? Good. Maybe I’m too tired, or vain (wine gut, hello?) to drink like I used to, which was alcoholically? Great. Maybe I’m just tired of fighting the urge — which actually stresses me out — that comes after the first drink and that I can’t resist so I give up before I try? Fine. Maybe one more hangover might actually, veritably kill me? Yes.

No matter what it is, I am not drinking and not really wanting to drink. And feeling safe in that. Looking back over the trail, marveling at how I got here. The wolf is at bay, licking the dust I kicked into its eye after running it down and stomping on its head.

Good night, friends, and thanks one and all.

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 5 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Recovery, Sobriety

Cravings and triggers…

9 Nov

12:44 am

are two separate realities. Who knew?

I feel like I’ve crested a hill that I never made it over before, and that is Craving Hill. Like, the cravings, rather than being a constant buzz in my ear, have become a semi-distant ringing. And, the cravings are distinct from the triggers. I always sort of thought that the trigger was the craving, or the craving was the trigger; not so.

(Bear with me; since I have been going to meetings and plugged into this “other world” of therapy and acceptance, my thoughts have been like massive explosions — expanding, convoluted, all over the place; shrapnel flying at me from all directions.)

My cravings are subsiding into memory. And if not, I slap my mental wrist so hard every time I think about giving up AGAIN before 90 days that they run fleeing, like a scolded dog, from my frontal cortex to the dark neuronal recesses where they fucking belong. That being said, I’m don’t want to jinx it. I keep waiting for them to come back, but they really haven’t. Yesterday, even when I was crying and feeling super-down and super-frustrated, I didn’t necessarily want to drink wine, i.e., I didn’t crave wine. I just wanted the feelings to go away.

Which brings me to my point: cravings are cravings, and they subside. Triggers are what’s behind the cravings, and they don’t! Well, I’m learning how to eliminate the triggers by doing something about them, OR, by learning how to take a deep breath, accept them, and plan to deal with them as soon as I can. For example, in order to not feel the trigger of existential inertia, I can send a pitch letter, or email someone at the university about a class, or make some headway on my long-shelved memoir (none of these things I’ve done yet, but that’s where the whole “plan to deal with them” part comes in!)…

At tonight’s meeting, I realized that most of my social angst comes from not being open, not doing the inviting. As an old roommate of mine used to say (this pertained to dating, which I was not doing any of in my late 20s), “You have to make yourself aVAILable.” She’d always emphasize and drag out the “VAIL” part, as if saying it like that would make me realize that I wasn’t doing so. I pretended to not know what she meant, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with actually answering my phone, or picking it up once in a while and making the call, or stopping driving around [cold west coast city] alone, aimlessly, when I could be like, sitting in on a class or having coffee or doing a million and three other amazing things in that town that I never did because I was so damned scared to make myself aVAILable.

I get it now, but it’s funny to watch my old habits rearing their ugly heads here. I feel a bit…voiceless…these days. Like, I’ve lost my voice in this getting-sober thing. Or, I forgot the words. What I think it is, is not having my usual points of reference: in the morning, wine to look forward to; at night, wine to actually drink. Without my sign posts, I don’t know the script!

I haven’t EVER socialized in a new city without booze. ALL of my new connections, whether professional or personal, have almost always started around “drinks.” I don’t know how to do it differently. Yet, I do. Pick up the phone. Grow a pair. Just do it.

Anyway, it felt good tonight to see that I’ve actually made a few friends at AA; like, these people are becoming my friends, more than just 2D cartoon characters whose sad faces don’t resemble mine. Here’s to some future social events where cravings and triggers are NOT invited! 😉

Btw, friends: 7 meetings down, 28 days sober! Woo hoo!

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

What to do on a sober Halloween? Try Al-Anon and a TON of sugar!

27 Oct

5:34 pm

NOT. Today, I totally crashed after my very first Al-Anon meeting. I really have got to do something about the amount of Diet Coke I’m drinking these days. I probably down at least a liter (4 cups, for those of you on THIS side of the pond) a day, if not more. Boo. I mean, it’s a different kind of craving, but I can describe it in one word: irritating. It’s distracting and absolutely irritating to feel the almost uncontrollable, and purely physical, sensation of *needing* sugar (or fake sugar, or whatever). Surmounting that soon. I don’t have enough energy to both consume sugar and then root around for extra-large-sized candy bars, too.

Anyhoo, I had a lovely morning at least. Woke up to another amazing day on the ocean — sapphire blue waters, a sheet of blue sky punctuated by big clumps of white clouds, a gusting wind cooling down the approaching mid-morning heat. Around 10, I went to a large Al-Anon meeting sponsored by Promises in Paradise, that sober conference which, btw, is also putting on an ICE CREAM SOCIAL tonight. I am literally starting to tremble just thinking about how much of my body weight I could eat in ice cream…

So, Al-Anon. It was kind of like an AA meeting in that most of the roster of speakers were also alcoholics and/or addicts. I got the gist of it, which is that these Al-Anon meetings help family members (and friends?) figure out what to do, how to cope, and importantly, how to just let go in the face of someone they’re related to or care about drinking and drugging.

(I can relate, I think. When it comes to my brother and his girlfriend, I’ve “given up” on fixing their co-dependent relationship. And, I can say, I really don’t care that much. It’s not my problem, for real.)

It made me see the toll that my drinking and blackouts and belligerence must have had and is still having on my family and friends. Like, it never occurred to me that anyone COULD be that affected. Why? Because they just didn’t care enough. At least that’s what I thought. It’s MY problem, so why should I have to worry about myself AND other people?, was what I’d always tell myself. Well, this meeting helped me to see — for some reason for the very first time in a way that sunk in — that other people need help recovering, if not actually coping, from the fallout of a drunk’s behavior while drunk. (Actually, I have been thinking about it ever since my boyfriend mentioned possibly wanting to go to one — What’s wrong with YOU? Why would YOU need help? Oh, right, because I’ve harassed you in a raging blackout about a million times.)

Sooooo, who’s dressing up for Halloween?

Oh, God. Last Halloween? Let me erase any ideas of drinking being entertained, my friends. Last Halloween, I decided to fly down to LA to visit an old college friend. Needless to say, I drank the night before flying down. AND, didn’t stop until I passed out (for probably a few hours, maybe not at all, I can’t remember). AND, woke up and continued drinking en route to the airport, AT the airport (beer in the morning, so tasty, right?), during the flight, and then AFTER landing at LAX. This was all before 2 pm. I was sitting next to some guy who was, for some reason (did he not see how drunky drunk I was?) flirting with me and encouraging me to drink more, and then I, flirting back in a drunken stupor, thought it a brilliant idea to ask him to have “one last drink” with me at a bar in LAX near our gate.

Fast forward two hours later, and I come to from my blackout. Apparently, I was wandering around LAX, lost, and my friend was trying to find me, texting me and calling me, to no avail. Somehow we linked up, and I barely remember exiting the airport, sitting in my wet (yes, I pissed my pants) jeans in the passenger seat of his car, and getting back to his place in West Hollywood so that he could leave me to “sleep it off,” which I did. What’s worse than all this happening between the hours of 2 and 5 pm in the afternoon? Pissing my pants in public. A new low. More shameful than shitting my pants (yes, that happened once), seeing how everyone could see my wet jeans, and if they couldn’t, I’m sure they could smell them. TMI, but hey, it’s kind of at least a little bit funny, right?

Oh, yes. Rock on, sobriety and bladder control.

We had a fairly decent weekend, dressed up and went out, all that. I was drinking by the next evening, much to my friend’s chagrin. It took almost a full year for this friend to forget — I knew he forgave me almost immediately, but his irritation, disappointment, and frustration would not allow him to forget. Thank God(dess) for these friends, who are few and far between; I have others who have not been so gracious and empathetic.

Anyway, think before you drink (or, dry drink, I guess!). Happy SOBER Halloween! 🙂

Tags: 12 steps, AA, Al-Anon, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, Diet Coke, drinking, Halloween, Promises in Paradise, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Al-Anon, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Recovery, Sobriety

AA means…one step at a time

20 Oct

11:58 pm

One step at a time, is what I learned in AA today.

I’ve basically been somewhat needlessly blowing my own mind with all the thinking and self-reflection about not drinking, and I’ve decided:

For now, it’s OK to just stop drinking. And, like I’ve been doing, it’s OK to move on, stay busy, and keep working toward tangible life goals.

That’s it. That’s my deep thought.

I went to my third meeting tonight (yay, me!) downtown at a church here in St. Thomas, and it was nice. Good. Fine. I was shouted out twice for being a new person, which is because I actually introduced myself. I mean, it was good. I felt like I was at Mass, and I felt sincere. I already know a few people (it’s a small island), and it helped to hear their stories; it helped to be reminded of the fact that if I drink again, I could end up, oh, falling off the subway platform in a blackout comes to mind…

Overall, AA is…I don’t know. I mean, I really just don’t know. Yet, do I need to? I talked with a potential sponsor for a half hour after the meeting tonight, and if anything I realized just how rambling I can be — and need to be, I guess — with total strangers when it comes to all my “drinking shit.”

Anyway, they picked the third step to share around:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Hmm. OK. I don’t know what this means, and I don’t know where will/free will and fate meet and diverge, if they do at all. I don’t know how anyone but myself is going to “care” for me and/or help me to stop putting the wine glass to my lips (so far, it’s been sheer will, and this is the only thing I can think of to do; I mean, no one else is making me drink, y’know?). However, I knew I had nothing to offer and felt that my insight is so limited when it comes to this 12-step business, I just listened.

Most of the people said they did experience a god or god-like presence, or something, taking over and starting to guide them through the day, or away from their cravings. Or whatever. I think. I honestly don’t understand what this means beyond realizing that:

1. you don’t know anything let alone everything, so stop listening to your runaway thoughts; and
2. stop overthinking and just DO, even if your thoughts are telling you something else; and
3. life is a trip, and it’s pretty fucking bizarre and amazing (though, as a biologist, I know all of this and it’s always taken my breath away), so why not run with that?

I need practical. This God-stuff is just…weird. Hard to conceptualize. For instance, I can’t explain why, exactly, I quit — and why it stuck — this summer except for that I had had fucking ENOUGH, my friends had had fucking ENOUGH, and I knew that my get-out-of-jail-free card had long since expired. On a gut level, it was something else, some certainty that I had to stop. And so I did. (Well, tried/trying.) Maybe I HAVE encountered the third step already, maybe it’s not rocket science, maybe I’m twisting my head around and should just simmer down?

My entire life I’ve been doing things that displease me, that vex me, all under the guise of “challenging” and “rewarding.” I’ve had little balance, and it’s a result of my upbringing, my nationality (welcome to USA, Inc.), and my own perfectionist and self-doubting/second-guessing personality traits. I can feel a tangent coming on, so I’ll get to the point: I don’t have to understand God — or how to best make amends, or whatever — in order to simply not drink. I can take it easy, one step at a time.

I can take it easy, one step at a time.

Lately, with all the changes and all the drama surrounding my brother and my dad, I’ve felt sobriety sort of crashing in on me. I’ve even found it hard to write about it. I’ve been trying to make amends with my brother’s girlfriend — who is crazy, by the way — and it’s only messed things up more. Messed me up more, in the sense that now I’ve been presented with a whole new set of feelings, obstacles, and choices when it comes to deciding if I want to push it or accept that my apology letter backfired. Do I write them off, as they seem to have done to me? Now I’m as angry with them as they are with me!?

I could go on and on, but tonight made me realize again that, it’s just me. And, that’s OK. And, if my brother’s girlfriend doesn’t like my style, and if my dad secretly hates me because I’m a successful female professional, and if this and that and that and this…Head E-X-P-L-O-D-I-N-G!

YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL I HAVE TO DO IS NOT DRINK, AND THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO DO RIGHT NOW.

(Btw, tonight there’s a meteor shower and the sky is clear! The sky down here is immense: hot, dark, and alive. Silent, but full of far-off noise. The other night, I saw an astoundingly bright, large, circular meteorite (or was it an alien spacecraft?) rip through the northern sky = amazeballs. I can’t wait to just sit outside on the deck, hear the near-constant crashing of the Atlantic on the rocks below, and watch for falling stars. I had, of course, a long talk with myself earlier about wanting/not wanting wine, and now that is over. The cravings come and go, and it’s always a relief once they’ve passed and I can move on, watch the night sky, and listen to the thick croaking of crickets, coqui frogs, and night bugs; all the while realizing that sobriety is turning out to be the strangest, most surreal trip of them all.)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 8 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Sobriety

Counting in weeks now…One down, infinity to go!

19 Oct

10:20 am

I’m one week sober as of yesterday! I’m counting in weeks now.

I went to another meeting the day before yesterday (my second), and I’m glad I did. I don’t know, I just felt…recharged. Renewed. I guess that’s what AA is supposed to do, right? It was nice to meet new people, though, and I’m sure that contributed to the feeling of “doing something” that seemed to negate the feeling of “sure would love to down some wine.”

Sure, I still want to drink every second of every day — and that seemed to surprise someone at the meeting, which equally pissed me off and made me almost laugh out loud — AA doesn’t take that away. In fact, I want to drink MORE after having gone to a meeting, at least based on my little experience with meetings. It’s like that with therapy, too: the second I open the flood gates and either start talking about it to myself or another person, I really wouldn’t mind a cocktail (or, glass or two or three or four of red). The same woman was astounded by this revelation on my part. Meh.

Writing about it, on the other hand, takes away the obsession and/or desire.

So, yes. On Day 8. Or, Week 2. 😉

(I have a bunch of work to do today, and so, I think I’m going to keep on keeping myself ULTRA-busy. That’s what helped me the last time, and I think it’s what’s going to help me this time…through the restlessness, the irritation, the ruminating on my brother and his bitch-from-hell girlfriend/crazy person, my dad’s ridiculous idea of a “relationship” with his own flesh and blood daughter, etc. On a happy note, the island is wonderful! Third time and I feel like it’s home. And, it was SO NICE to meet new people, on my own, instead of through others. I know it takes time to meet peeps that you mesh with, especially after having moved to a new place; and it takes work. For some reason, I don’t want to drink, I’m starting to feel social again, and I want to meet new people, try new things, and in general, get it goin’ ON again! Could it be this sobriety thing? OH! I also actually sort of want to start reading the Big Book. I know, I know, ridiculous, right? It feels like a class, an assignment; I’m good at classes and assignments. But also…I’m curious. AND, I’m so ready to stop drinking, to not want to drink, to absolutely rid myself of the obsession (the voice inside my head and heart that says, A glass of wine would be so good right now, when in reality, it would so NOT be good, would make me feel like ass, and would pack on unwanted calories, all of which would lead to me feeling defeated and guilty). And, based on the near-zero desire to drink this week (probably the least since I quit on June 13th, actually)…maybe the Big Book and the talking DOES help? Hmm…)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Sobriety

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Drunky Drunk Girl

You have to go through it to get through it

Perspective…and post-hoilday pangs

Being sober and being drunk have one thing in common

8 weeks came and went and…no time for drinkin’!

Buh-bye, wine. (‘We are never ever ever getting back together’)

All I have to do is not drink. Really?

Cravings and triggers…

What to do on a sober Halloween? Try Al-Anon and a TON of sugar!

AA means…one step at a time

Counting in weeks now…One down, infinity to go!

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