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Nine years sober, nine years Drunky Drunk Girl!

8:37 pm

It’s been nine years since I started this blog–nine years, too, since I got sober! And, in step with how this year has been going (a tornado that is tearing seamlessly over the train wreckage of 2020), I am over a week late in writing a commemorative blog post. Haha. Oh, well.

I guess I have to admit that, while I’m still truly grateful and happy for my nine years, I’m not sure how I feel about this blog anymore. DDG used to be my happy place, my safe space, a spot where I could gather with 150 of my closest sober blogging friends and divulge all the ugly deets of our collective journey. Most of those bloggers are gone. I’m still here, but am I, really? I mean, I’m still trying to redefine myself, which I seem to have lost this past year.

Per this blog: I used to be–to feel–on fire, in the sense that, I had SO much fervor toward getting sober and subsequently, so much to say. Now, I just feel sort of indifferent to it. Maybe I’m just burnt out and tired (still working all day, every day; still dealing with the Dad dementia stuff; still managing my menopause crap). Sure, I have no doubt that it’s all good to evolve and move forward–and, YES, sobriety is still my foundation–but the pieces of sobriety that are relevant to me now often include a LOT more life stuff, which is stuff that has nothing to do with sobriety, intrisincally, or, um, an audience of relative strangers.

I may be a different girl on fire now, but I’m probably not DDG anymore. Which is and has to be OK. But, I miss her and I miss doing what I loved to do. Why not just keep doing what you used to do, then? It’s just not that easy, is what I’m saying (and trying to understand, myself!).

Anyway, I want to shout, watch this space, but…I’ll just leave it at a whisper of, take solace in this space, a (almost) blank page for you to ponder (and one for me, too, to place new words and new thoughts).

Tags: nine years blogging, sober anniversary, sober birthday, sober blog, sober blogging, soberversary

Comments 17 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Gratitude, Happiness, Long-term sobriety, Milestones, Sobriety

Eight years as Drunky Drunk Girl

15 Jun

11:33 am

I can’t believe it: yesterday was the anniversary of starting my blog, on June 14, 2012, EIGHT YEARS AGO!? It feels a lot longer than it sounds; like, eight years, sure, but eight years ago, I was a totally different person. Mostly for the better, a little bit for the worse.

Frankly, this blog has not only kept me sober, but it’s become a defining experience in my life; for that, I will be forever grateful.

Back then, I was lost and alone, drinking alcoholically, unsure of what I wanted or, even if I did know what it was (I did), too afraid to make the change to get it. One day, though, I DID make that change–I don’t know why the night of June 12, 2012, (and into the wee hours of June 13) was different from other drunken escapades or hangovers; as I wrote in my first post, and as you hear in the rooms, I had just had it. I was done. I was so tired of avoiding what I needed and not getting what I wanted; I was so exhausted of never being able to drink just one…and the ensuing drama that always came with this “failing.” I was tired of failing–others, sure, but mostly myself. I wanted to never black out again, to never say or do the horrendous things I said and did, ever, ever again. And, so it was born; I was re-born in a small studio apartment in the big city where I did my graduate degree and figured I’d live forever (but that I eventually left, after realizing that big city was part of my old drinking self).

I wrote my first blog post during a hellish, two-day hangover. I had no idea that starting my blog would not only allow me to get and stay sober, create an online sober community, and continue into long-term sobriety; but that I would still be blogging, eight years later!? I turned quite a few of my blog posts into story ideas, actually, for my day job (when I was a freelance science journalist). These days, I am not writing journalistic stories, but I still consider the years of 2013-2015 to be precious in terms of how “on fire” I was re: science journalism. Why did I stop? Well, it paid shit and I was burnt; yep, I have come to simply accept that after two years as a freelance journalist–and by then, close to a decade as a journalist–I was tired of it. And, I’m still kind of there; I mean, I think it would take a change in subject matter (back to something that truly intrigues me, like addiction, maybe other areas) to get me to want to interview, transcribe, write, and edit journalistic “stories” again. We’ll see–I mean, there is still a flicker, so that’s encouraging.

This blog–and my sobriety–have allowed, and continue to allow, SO many things. I have grown as a person, a human; I have grown up. I have come to appreciate and be grateful for every moment, everything that I have and that has come my way–mostly due to quitting drinking. I chose to move to an island, to get into freelance writing, to make it work here; I chose a man, a dog (well, dogs) to share my life with; I chose to live consciously and intentionally, regardless of how crazy or sad or neurotic it made/makes me feel sometimes to be sober, to feel alone in how aware I must be all the time. I am proud and grateful for this blog–and, I am indebted, really, to the community that has supported me and encouraged me, HERE, all these years (when others didn’t, when the in-real-life relationships faded away).

The only thing I regret, somehow, is remaining anonymous; however, I promise that one day (soon?), I will come out.

On the “for worse” side, um, I think I’ve just sort of settled into a not-pink-cloud reality; like, I got sober, it was thrilling, and then, all of the sudden, life got real again. And, maybe that coincided with me taking a corporate job and leaving journalism (I did it because I needed to start earning some real money, putting away some real savings). Anyway, I do feel a bit more jaded, or cynical, or maybe just in touch with the day-to-day rhythm of “real life”–it’s not pink clouds forever. On the other hand, that reality is not something I wish wasn’t so; it just is, so this has become an exercise in how to cultivate joy and excitement and “fire”…even when you’ve seemingly plateau’d in your sobriety.

Anyway, I recently learned that my furlough has been extended, likely forever. SO, I will be job searching (and soul searching) the next few days, likely offline.

Stay safe and well, y’all, and I hope everyone has a great start to a grateful week…