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Anyone up for a sober conference? Promises in Paradise is where it’s at!

2:29 am

There’s a conference on [beautiful island where I now live] this weekend called “Promises in Paradise,” which is basically a weekend-long AA meeting. Not sure if I can swallow it just yet; I mean, I still sort of cry inside every time I think, island + wine + DDG = null set.

Ah, well. Maybe, like my boyfriend says, I should fill up my wine glass with chilled rooibos tea — my current obsession — instead of wine?

Today was OK; nothing Earth-shattering. Which, in a way, bums me out. (I think I just have to get used to having settled in, and not, like, continuously moving around and looking forward to being somewhere else — or do I? I’m already looking forward to trips to PR, D, and H!) I had an interview with a possible fourth client, and that went well. I must say, this freelance thing takes a lot of patience, as there isn’t as much measurable output as one might need to feel productive. AND, it just takes a lot of time linking up with people and arranging work. I feel somewhat blah about this next project, but I’m sure I’ll rally.

No meeting for me today — figured I’d be able to OD on meetings this weekend if I end up hitting that conference. (And, why not? It’s right around the corner and how cool will I be when I get to tell people that I actually LIVE in said paradise?). I ended up spending the evening cleaning and unpacking! It feels GREAT to have my closet a little bit more organized, to have the bags off the floor and the sheets and towels and underwear in their right place. Yet…

Always a yet. Why can’t I just be happy with what is? Settling in makes me feel unsettled, that’s just a given. I am a restless mofo, and I know this about myself. It’s one of the reasons I drank. Speaking of which, at last night’s meeting, one woman shared that her biggest obstacle to acceptance was that she didn’t like the 21st century! LOL I could relate; I mean, we all have our “head” issues, our perceptions of reality that make us feel crazy/weird being human. Mine is information overload and an inability to “see through” the physical reality around me. More often than not, I would drink out of anxiety and frustration surrounding these glitches.

Anyway, yup, always in my head! Oh, well, that’s what this blog is for. Anyway…I miss my stuff in [cold east coast city]. I miss…my life. In [cold east coast city]? I’m not sure. I feel…like I’m floating. Maybe it’s time for a “real” job; it’s cool to have reached my goal of earning a living as a freelance writer, but I know — have known for a while — that it’s not something that I find all that rewarding anymore, writing/editing, and there are other things I know I’d like to spend my time doing.

All in due time. One day at a time. I have trouble with this, so I’m just going to calmly shut my laptop and Turn It Off.

Oh, and: 14 days, kids! And, really, very little desire to drink; very large desire to keep working, moving forward, and keeping the “wine gut” to a bare minimum (I think I can safely transition to using the more aptly named “blueberry muffin gut” now).

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, freelance writing, goals, moving, Promises in Paradise, recovery, sobriety, travel, triggers, wine, women

Comments 10 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Goals, Recovery, Sobriety, Work, Writing

Humming along…is the party over?

25 Sep

1:04 am

Nothing huge going on here. Which, in a sense, is good. Day 4, people.

I’m finally over my hangover (took at least two days; Jesus). I worked a little, and got into it (a little) with my editor (which makes me nervous, mainly because I don’t have that much alternate income at the moment). I checked out some new glasses frames (to recover the ones I broke; I do things like, buy the same version of what I lost, broke, or demolished while blacked out to make me feel like it didn’t happen — am I alone in this neurotic behavior?). I went to my final contact lens fitting. I sank into a mini-depression the past 24 hours but pulled myself out. I activated my superpowers. I managed to offload/sell a lot of my remaining SHIT today, including some kitchenware to a nice Jordanian woman and to a shy French boy; now, it’s just the bed (I’ve got a potential buyer tomorrow, after which, I’ll run to REI and get another sleeping mat). I talked with both my mom and dad and made plans to visit each en route to the [beautiful island where I now live] next month. I oven-baked some pretty awesome potatoes. As I was talking to my dad, I overheard the football game in the background and was like, OK, that’s enough football for me for the season. 😉

I’m ready to move, but I’m also feeling…many things that cause me anxiety. (I would usually drink at this point, for sure.) What, pray tell?

1. The [cold west coast city sex street fair]. While it was refreshing to see everyone celebrating sex so openly, that event stirs up some of my past here and makes me feel quite empty. But, more than that, everyone was fucked up. FUCKED UP. Booze, “G,” “E,” you name it. I was like, I can’t even be here, I’m so sober. I want to be cool with this, but I can’t. I felt so uncomfortable, so square. It was all in my head, and had more to do with the fact that I was there alone — again — but…yeah. Minor, but enough to cause me to overthink, and then, want to drink. I didn’t, though. Seeing people stumbling around in their underwear (literally), in the freezing cold 55-degree weather, barely conscious made me go, Hmm, now THAT does not resemble fun, and I’m really glad I’m not you.

2. I think I often feel judged and unaccomplished by my family. Why aren’t you with man/with child yet? Why have you never brought a guy home to us? Why have you never invited us over and/or cooked for us? (Well, I have, but in the larger sense: why are you not settled down beyond having roommates and dating the wrong guys/no guys?) These are much more likely questions I ask myself, and when they make me feel too scared or nervous, I drink. Drank.

2. The whole brother’s girlfriend thing, which makes me think of both my brothers. Are they happy? Moreover, should I be helping the one (more financially well off) more with banking away some money for my mom? She is on Social Security now, but up until a few weeks ago, she was working. At 66, she’s that uncomfortable with her retirement nest egg (none) that she still HAS (not wants) to work! She has arthritis in her hip and pretty severe osteoporosis, so it’s highly likely we’ll all have to chip in and buy her a home one day soon. Is my “taking some time off for me” a selfish thing to do, when I am 38 and in the prime of my professional earning capacity? It is. And, it bothers me.

The problem is, I TRIED working a “big bucks” job in “the Valley” AGAIN, and I hated it, AGAIN. And, it caused me so much grief to be doing something so passionless that I drank. All the time. Even at work. Doh.

And, now that I’ve gotten away from that life, and tasted something more relaxed…I can barely stomach a return to the grind, even one that’s “fun.” I worry, fret, worry, fret. Am I too old to go back to [cold east coast city] and work in the publishing industry? Do I want to? Can I fake it if I don’t want to? Can I handle it and the stress sans wine? Plus, I don’t want to sit on my ass all day, every day anymore.

I wish it was easy for me to have faith that I can earn a living doing what I’m passionate about. To that end, I can dream. And so, I’ve proactively come up with a few alternate careers to dream about: professional dog walker, cake baker, rare gem collector, field anthropologist, acupuncturist? 😉

I’m excited about moving (and moving on), and I don’t have to think about being productive, financially and professionally — not yet. I DON’T HAVE TO — right now. But, I will, in December or January or February, or whenever the money starts running out and I look at my grad school student loan debt and think, Oh, FUCKING HELLO. Or, I turn around and there it is again, the need to earn savings for myself, my future, my mother’s future…

It’s SO MUCH EASIER to avoid this fretting and worrying with wine. It makes me sad, in a very vague way. Life isn’t happy-go-lucky. The party IS over.

Or, is it?

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, drinking, goals, moving, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Goals, Moving, Sobriety, Triggers, Uncategorized

Restless and sober, sober and restless. I want some wine.

12 Sep

5:07 pm

I feel restless. I want to drink.

I used to drink to quell this feeling. Now, I am observing it and letting it run its course, possible side effect of being depressed later be damned. It’s a combination of wanting to do everything all at once and not wanting or having the energy to do anything at all.

Like, I feel like I’ve done everything under the sun IN MY HEAD, yet have only run a few errands today (unsuccessfully connecting with a few possible buyers of my stuff, unsuccessfully hunting for a few pieces of clothing, successfully hitting the PO to get my absentee ballot stuff rolling). In my head I’ve gone to shambhala — heck, I’ve gone twice — AND done yoga. I’ve run around the Park, cooked a feast, finished a book — shoot, I’ve read the entire thing, front to back. I’ve not only planned my trip to LA, but I’ve already gone on it and gotten back. I’m already enjoying Oahu, Maui, and the Big Island, and am about to book my flight to Kauai. No, I’m back already — Kauai was awesome!

I’ve applied to a MPH program, painted another picture (well, I used pastels the first time, which I guess I can blog about and show you, but it’s a freaky little creation), and sold the rest of my furniture. I did what I planned to do today on my actual paid editing work.

Man, I could use a glass of wine! YES! A glass of wine (more like two bottles) while watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, again. Which, I’ll SO have time for before the gong of midnight pushes today into tomorrow…

THIS is my day, my restlessness, and why I both drank and hated drinking — I felt the need to calm my mind down to do all this shit, and then got frustrated by how little of it I could get done in a day, a week, a month. (Uh, maybe cuz drinking allows you to do absolute JACK?) I hate waiting, and I love dreaming. I’m addicted to dreaming, to staying in proverbial motion, I admit. In my mind, it’s all possible, maybe even practical!

Reign it in. I don’t want to! I want to celebrate the possibilities with wine! YES.

Yet, deep down, I know drinking wine is a way to put them all off. They take courage, and energy, and patience, all three of which are lacking — at least in sufficient quantities — in me right now.

I hate the fact that I can’t burn off this energy by going for a jog, but that’s injury for ya. I somehow managed to strain my right ankle, so in addition to the sciatic and hamstring pain (which is slowly easing up, thank God(dess)), I’ve got one more little thing making me WAIT. I hate waiting. I really do.

I’m going to give meditation a try tonight at the Shambhala center. Let go. Stop trying to control my time and energy to the point that it turns me manic. Thanks, Sober Boots, for your post on realizing that we need to stop trying to be in control all the time.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, control, drinking, goals, powerlessness, psychology, restless, restlessness, sobriety, travel, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Goals, Psychology, Sobriety, Uncategorized

Packing and moving and a cold…iced tea

8 Sep

9:04 pm

Or, in my case, DC (Diet Coke).

I had a much better day today, and thought MUCH less about drinking than yesterday. Staying strong, kids, no matter what. If I can get through nights like last night, where the only thing between me and wine is sheer willpower, then I feel like the worst is behind me. I can do it, no matter how listless I feel.

Btw, does anyone else have a sense of “whew, that’s done” with the passing of every sober day? I hate to see days go, but I do feel like every day makes the next easier — overall. So, bring ’em fast, and bring ’em hard, cuz I want this shit to get easier!

Anyway, I sold a few big pieces of furniture today, prepared a few more things for sale tomorrow, and ran errands. I also received a few important pieces of mail — still not sure how long I have to stay here in order to fulfill my UI obligations, but it sounds like I can pay a prorated daily rate on my studio if I have to change my move-out date. What a relief. Oh, and my super fixed my toilet. All in all, lookin’ good on the domestic front.

Tonight, I’m not thinkin’ about drinkin’. I’m not letting myself. I’m thinking about future writing projects, new goals, things I’d like to try (visual/physical art — I’ve had a few ideas for some “installation” art and would love to try my hand at basic painting)… I’ll probably do laundry (I’m selling a rug tomorrow and I have to at least try and wash the wine stains from earlier this year out), bake cookies, and read. Kuh-razy Saturday night, eh?

Tomorrow, I’m showing a few more items for sale and going to see my eye doctor to get fit for contacts — all before noon. And, I KNOW I won’t be late or miss these appointments. Why? This right here, my friends.

It’s good to be sober!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, Diet Coke, drinking, goals, moving, nomad, sense of purpose, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Goals, Moving, Sobriety

Another day, another day sober. Meh.

7 Sep

11:29 pm

I’m probably going to bring y’all down, but so be it.

I’m bored. And lonely. And, well, kind of feeling like I always did before I drank. Which makes me huff and puff to myself, What’s the point of this sobriety thing if I feel the same as when I was drinking?

Like I said in a previous post, the improved mood is subtle. VERY subtle. I want to feel BETTER, awesome, amazing. It’s been almost 90 days (minus 2), and honestly, I don’t feel that much different. I feel sober. ALL THE TIME. 😦

Sure, I’m not hung over and overall, I feel a lot healthier and calmer. The problem I have is, I still think about drinking all day, every day. I still think, Can I drink today, what if I drank today, can I, huh, huh, huh? Please, just one glass? Even if I KNOW I’m not going to drink, have committed to not drinking, these obsessive and incessant thoughts are like the wash on the canvas of my brain. And, I feel restless — not as much, but still restless. Frustrated. Something’s missing. Something HUGE is missing, is how I feel all day, every day. Wine used to quench that fire, which was burning for nothing. Now the fire burns for nothing all day, every day.

It could be that I haven’t truly changed my life. At all. Before, I was going to work at a job I hated, a job that didn’t provide me with any personal satisfaction or sense of creative or professional accomplishment. It ate my soul. Now? I still do the same kind of work, albeit a little less aggravating and a little more fun (science editing instead of technical writing), just from home.

Maybe what I need is a new project, something that I can finally dig my teeth into (like, a book, or a fast-paced reporting job)? Sometimes I think I need a career change. A complete 180 from writing and editing. Something to do with my day that doesn’t seem like just a way to avoid drinking, or pass the time, or strive to improve myself. Pretty much every hobby I have revolves around self-improvement: running, yoga, playing guitar, reading, watching movies that expand my mind. ARG. I need something bigger and different from what I’ve known for 15 years, something that drives me, makes me actually WANT to get out of bed and go to sleep so I can get up and get out of bed to do it again tomorrow. I don’t have that anymore. And, I really have no idea what to do to get it back.

THIS has been a huge part of my descent into becoming a wino: I don’t have a sense of purpose that makes sense to ME, that fills me, so therefore, I have nothing. And, I drink to fill that hole. I panic in trying to find it. I drink to subdue that fear. Maybe I won’t find it? Maybe nothing ever will be as fulfilling — or exciting — as it used to be in my 20s and early 30s? Maybe this is just life?

I often have a feeling of been there, done that these days. Well, it’s been growing since about 33 or 34. And, I HAVE BEEN around and done a lot. I feel like I’ve seriously hit a plateau; there is nothing new under the sun. Ultimately, I’m not sure I have anything left to truly look forward to. That’s not to say that I don’t love life; of course, I do. Deep down, we all do because it’s all we know, life. Yet, the things I think I might really (of course, it’s always got to be “really”) look forward to — volunteering in Africa is one that pops into my head — scare me. Does it have to be such an all-or-nothing life, though? Stay here and rot, or scare myself to death? I need new goals, sure, but I also need to find new ways to enjoy life here and now. This can’t be how it’s going to be forever, otherwise I will drink again.

On top of it all, I flipped a homeless dude off today. It’s downright upsetting living here sometimes. I get so tired of walking around this town, shoulders clenched against the wind, gut protected from the homeless hot messes around EVERY CORNER. Upsetting is an understatement. Traumatizing is more like it! I’ve been called everything from bitch, to whore, slut, cunt, and you-should-be-raped…by complete strangers just walking down the street. Granted, they’re all addicts and/or mental cases, but still…it GETS TO YOU. Yup, it was my mistake to move downtown, but I had no other choice at the time. It’s really hard for me to feel empowered in my own sobriety when I am cowering, in a sense, protecting myself against the mental and emotional drain that is what seems an ENTIRE FUCKING CITY IN RECOVERY.

Yep, I really want to drink tonight.

Another day, another day sober. Meh. I hate to say it, but at least I’m not them, or in their shoes. I mean, most of the addicts I run into here — crack, coke, oxy, heroin, all of the above — are beyond help. Like, I used to think that everyone could be helped, but…these people are like the walking dead. So, I really hate to think this, but I do: I’m glad I’m turning my addiction around before I end up spending entire days, and not just nights, wandering around in the cold, talking to myself in an altered state of stupor.

Peace and love, y’all.

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, fulfillment, psychology, sense of purpose, wine, women, work

Comments 6 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Goals, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Work

Is it me, or is sobriety actually making me a better writer?

6 Sep

5:18 pm

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented on my post the other day about getting hammered as a reward for, um, not getting hammered. I truly appreciate each and every piece of advice, insight, experience, and warning. It’s helped me to see that yes, this is a form of denial, and no, I sure don’t know much about sobriety or what might be in store for me at day 90. All I know is right now, I don’t want to get drunk, black out, and have a crippling hangover. And, that’s all I need to know for now.

Anyway, I’ve got two things going on, both of which I don’t think would be happening — honestly — if I hadn’t quit drinkin’…going on 21 days ago this Friday (well, it would have been 90 this coming Monday if I hadn’t messed up three weeks ago!). Like I mentioned briefly in another post, I finally pulled the trigger and gave notice on my studio apartment. YES. I am in the process of selling my furniture as we speak in preparation for my move OUT OF HERE at the end of the month.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be moving on; and while I still catch my breath sometimes when I think, Wow, I’m actually leaving, nostalgia for what was and what may be can only take you so far. This place fucked me up once — I was literally driving around in circles; I began to drink heavily and smash things HERE, in [cold west coast city] — and it did it to me again, even worse, a second time when I moved back. (YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN, no, sir. If anything has ever been bored into someone’s skull, it’s that lesson, in mine, here, and about my time here — coming of age in my late 20s during the dot-com boom in [cold west coast city].) I had never drunk all night and into the next day. I did that here, during the past couple of years. I had never drunk all night and into the next day, and then on the train to work and throughout the day at work. I did that here. I had never drunk and then thrown up and continued drinking, until it hurt; and then kept drinking until I wasn’t conscious. I did that here. I had never OPENED a bottle of wine at 3:30 am and consumed it before getting out of bed and going to work. I did that here. I had never blacked out drunk at work. I did that here. More than once. It gets uglier, but I’ll stop now before I go too far down. It’s done, over with. I choose light, not dark, right?

It’s not that I blame the city per se, but it has had a hand in contributing to life circumstances that yes, I chose, but that also ended up driving me to drink, literally. As a friend just emailed me (and I paraphrase): That city has left you with jobs you’ve hated and people who have hurt you. It’s time to cut your ties, emotionally and tangibly, and start over. YES, YES, YES.

I’m glad, though, I quit drinking so that I could come back here and be sober. I am living in [cold west coast city], sober. It is not the city that is causing me to drink, is what I needed to see for my own sanity. I can be and stay sober anywhere, even here.

But, I digress. The second thing is I’ve got some paid editing work on a project about global warming for a science magazine, which is a nice baby step back into science journalism.

Like I said, I believe both have been made possible not by my tenacity and general obsessive nature, but by my SOBRIETY. Who would’ve thought, when 6 years ago the defining shared characteristic of my circle of friends at journalism school was how close we could make happy hour to the actual length of our school day?

I’m gaining a much improved focus, coupled with a subtle-yet-meaningfully improved mood. I feel braver and more willing to commit to things. In a word, accountable, and unafraid of making and keeping appointments, deadlines, and commitments. Not that I missed them regularly before, but some I did and the ones I did were big ones, like, Make your life happen by the end of the month. It feels immensely empowering, but in a subtle way. Strange, how these things work…

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, focus, goals, mental clarity, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Goals, Recovery, Sobriety

Drunky drunky girl says, Wow, I’m really thinking more clearly

30 Aug

11:27 pm

I have to say, the past few days have been relatively…easy. I’ve only known this studio apartment — I rented it last September out of desperation to cut a few minutes off my horrifying 3-hour commute to and from “the Valley” (what tipped me over the alcoholic edge) — as a place where I fretted, thought, got drunk, hated life. Not drinking here hasn’t been the dramatic experience I thought it would be, though. In fact, the place feels empty. The walls and ceiling stare at me in silence.

What I think it is, is a reflection. Yes, a reflection of the good, calming silence staring back at them that is coming from ME.

Sure, I’ve had cravings, but not intense ones. I’ve got the bottle of red on the kitchen counter and I’d love to drink it (I spend way too much time thinking about it, though, too much brain space; but, it does make me feel excited now and again with anticipation, which is worth the $10, I guess). However, this is, well, a superficial thought. In fact, I’ve come to realize how many superficial thoughts, thoughts that come and go, that I have surrounding drinking. Now, deeper thoughts seem to abound — slower, more sustaining brain waves — pushing me through the sluggish waters of craving, of memory, of indecision, of getting stuck on one or two or three negative thoughts.

Could it be that I am getting more practiced at being sober, at focusing my mind on staying sober? Could it be that I have truly changed the way I think, and that one day, I could come back to thinking “normally” about my life, time passing, everyday “mundane” reality? It’s possible. Or, maybe I’m just having a good moment?

It’s not that I don’t want to NOT drink, but I don’t really want TO drink either. Life is boring, get over it. LOL More like, I know the cycle. But, I also feel something…else. Something deeper that’s holding me, filling me up with a simple calm. Which calm will be fucking shattered if I partake. Which calm will be disrupted and may bring rushing back all the bad memories of shit times had in this space while drunk (several noise complaints, an eviction warning, partying one night with a few crackheads off the street and ending with one stealing my bag…the list goes on and on). Reading, watching internet TV, cooking, working, just sitting here — these all seem not only much less vexing to do sober but also much more…OK. Satisfying might be too much of a stretch. OK, yes. OK, in a better way than just OK. Settling. Sustaining. It’s like, I’m coasting on a long surfboard and everything is riding on me staying balanced. I’ve gotten so much more done since getting sober, I’ve invested in actual change — work, projects, travels, relationship(s). Why break my stride?

It’s the concept of being sober that I like, that is so calming. That concept is a reality. My reality is what I’ve created it to be. I am in control. This is sobriety, too, not just NOT drinking when you want to drink. Why would I choose drinking over a long, calm ride down that wave?

Maybe this could be my Higher Power? Yeah, I still feel like drinking, but I’m going to go out (I live downtown and haven’t been out at all at night here, for anything, since getting home on Monday) and…get some ice cream. It’s cold here, as usual, and I feel somewhat claustrophobic compared to sleeping literally next to the Atlantic Ocean — walking and ice cream are my friends. (Maybe I’ll even watch more of the RNC speeches — who can resist Clint Eastwood forgetting to finish every other sentence? Gah.)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Cravings, Goals, Sobriety

And, I’m back! And, happy about what I got done this summer!

28 Aug

10:41 pm

I just wanted to check in with y’all and let you know that after a grueling 18-hour journey, I’m back in [cold west coast city]. I got home yesterday, but was so tired I simply went straight to bed.

I had to fly three legs, and so getting through Miami on Monday — with Isaac about to hit the Gulf Coast — wasn’t easy. I was nervous after our “landing” in Miami, but turns out my connection to Dallas was delayed by several hours. By that time, we were able to get the HELL out of there in between the bands of rain, en route to Dallas where we’d spend another hour or so on the runway before taking off for the west coast. Whew. Just thinking about it makes me tired all over again.

Speaking of tired, I am. Very. BUT, I’m on day 11 and maintaining. I really want to make it past 60 days this time (remember, I caved on 61 a few weeks ago). Fortunately, I was able to get a lot of “paperwork” done today, mostly paying the bills and getting the mail — my PO box was overflowing after 12 weeks on the road — and I’ve got the next three days booked solid with work. Yes, I have three full days and then another month’s worth (on and off, but the pay will add up to adequate) of FREELANCE work. Check off a major goal!

I feel pretty good about what I’ve accomplished this summer. And, in order to not drink tonight — I, gulp, bought a bottle of red at Trader Joe’s this afternoon — I’m going to make a list of these items. I guess I just have the need to accomplish, and if that’s what it takes for me to not drink, so be it. And in any case, most of us are here to work; that’s what we do, that’s what we need, that’s what drives us. Maybe I’ll be off on another leisure trip soon, but right now, I’m happy to have something to carry me through to my SECOND day 14 (and beyond) of sobriety.

1. Moved out of my place in [cold west coast city] (basically) = sorted, packed, and shipped almost everything that I shipped to myself two summers ago from [cold east coast city] back to [cold east coast city]
2. Found a sublet (no slight task) in [cold east coast city], flew there, received my shipped items, and stored them in my storage unit = all my stuff is in one place, the place I think I’m most likely to call “home home” for the next several-to-many years…
3. Lived in [cold east coast city] for 6 weeks = the goal was to go back and live there for a while, so I could one, get a taste of life there now and if I really do want to move back, and two, follow up on some freelance contacts
4. Found freelance science writing work, met an editor(s), exchanged many emails, signed a few contracts, and lined up PAID freelance editing work = I am now officially freelancing for science magazines and biotech companies (one of each, but hey, it’s a start; I got my first payment direct deposited the other day)
5. Went to a friend’s wedding in Seattle, and stayed sober during = yay
6. Lived in [beautiful island] for 6 weeks, thanks to the HELP of my boyfriend = the goal was to stay sober, develop my relationship — not really something I’d “written down,” so to speak, but important to me — and see how the freelance thing and living with someone down there might be able to be made a permanent thing
7. GOT SOBER, thanks to the HELP of my readers and my boyfriend = sorta kinda, but 60 days is the longest I’ve ever gone, not to mention, I’ve had to work hard on the detox/withdrawal stages, opening up to AA, and training my mind to replace my cravings with basically everything else in life I’ve been avoiding or that have seemed to lose most of their luster
8. Lost weight = one of my ongoing goals is to run more and commit to bikram yoga, and I felt like, at least during my 6 weeks in [cold east coast city], I did that

They say that you shouldn’t make a lot of changes in your life when you’re trying to get sober. Well, I feel like I don’t have much choice. And, for me, the one major thing that helps me to stay sober is to remain busy; lacking goals and a sense of accomplishment is one of my biggest triggers, it seems.

So, there you have it. I’m tired and wanting to zone, so I’ll sign off. Yup, the craving is there but I’m just going to ignore it. Like the dishes, it’ll be there in the morning. (My mom always used to leave the dishes in the sink, saying, They’ll be there in the morning…)

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, sobriety, travel, wine, women

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Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Goals, Sobriety, Travel

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Drunky Drunk Girl

Anyone up for a sober conference? Promises in Paradise is where it’s at!

Humming along…is the party over?

Restless and sober, sober and restless. I want some wine.

Packing and moving and a cold…iced tea

Another day, another day sober. Meh.

Is it me, or is sobriety actually making me a better writer?

Drunky drunky girl says, Wow, I’m really thinking more clearly

And, I’m back! And, happy about what I got done this summer!

Hi, it’s DDG!

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Hi, it’s DDG!

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