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Depression, purging at AA meetings, and cosmic consciousness — oh, my!

12:51 pm

That’s pretty much all I have to say!

NOT!

Things are still drama-free (in my head), and life (and death) are still presenting themselves at face value, with no hidden meanings and/or tricks up their sleeves. Which is nice. For once in a long time, I feel…a monotony to this sense of peace and calm about being alive and being human. Kind of like I used to feel. Secure in my choices, personal and professional.

Which makes me think, maybe booze DID have a serious effect on my state of mind? Duh. It made me depressed, and what a strange feeling to come out of that, look back, and notice it. It’s subtle, but at the same time, it’s everything. It’s hard to articulate, and it makes me think of my dad, who is struggling with a serious bout of depression — going on 5 years or something. I wish he’d take meds again. Oh, well, not mine to worry about.

Many a thing I’ve been learning in AA, just from listening and identifying:

1. I don’t have to believe — internalize — other people’s anger and/or accusations. I don’t even have to acknowledge them besides letting them go in one ear and out the other. I know me, and I know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve tried making amends with certain crazy-bitch “sister-in-law”-type people, and well, I don’t need to worry anymore about it. Does it/she still piss me off when I think about it? Yup. Do I need to hold onto that? No.

2. AA meetings are place to vent! To purge, as it were. I think I’m beginning to understand the group therapy aspect to it: if you vent your anger, frustrations, difficulties with drinking, remorse, etc. to others who care and identify, you don’t need to bottle it up; which inevitably will lead to drinking, exploding on someone in a drunken tirade, or any other self-destructive behavior. Here’s a spot-on excerpt from a post at October O Nine, with credit to Running On Sober for featuring it in reference to purging at meetings, holidays, and staying sober during them:

We now celebrate everyday and we purge our fears, anger and sadness daily to our sober sisters and live happy, joyous and free. Most Earth People don’t; they swallow their anger, bury their fears and suppress their sadness, telling themselves that soon it will be the holiday, they will have their food, family and drinks around them for the day and everything will be alright in the world. But today’s expectations are tomorrow’s resentments and they will be into the drinks and that anger, fear and sadness will start to bubble to the surface and whoever is present is going to bear the brunt.

3. I can’t overreact to, control, or fix other people’s problems. I don’t have to care. The last part I wonder about, but I’m feeling like, no, it is NOT my responsibility to care. I WANT to care, most of the time, and I do. I’ve made an effort to be more in touch with my family, to call more, to simply make myself available. However, I don’t have to care if they don’t respond or reciprocate.

4. Meditate. It doesn’t matter if you sit and don’t think, or sit and think; just try. I don’t even like trying to “not think” anymore; I just like to Sit and Be, thoughtlessness be damned. Try anything that takes you out of your head. For me, that’s physical activity; or, working (researching and writing).

5. I think there are a LOT of people in AA who have serious difficulty conceptualizing “God” and “how to meditate,” just like me! After almost 20 meetings in a row (I will miss one tonight; too bad), I’ve realized: there is no one way. There is no one way to understand it. Maybe I’m totally close-minded for NOT believing that a benevolent god oversees our daily activities, but that matters less to me now. I do believe in something — cosmic consciousness is as close to it as I can explain. That is acceptable, as far as I can tell, by AA! What a relief! The thought that everyone in the room simply accepts “God” as a being or some sort of benevolent force — a Biblical God — is now a bit absurd to me. Of course everyone in the room has struggled like I have. It is a process, a seeking, an increasing understanding — present tense, not past. And, totally changing all the time, for everyone.

My boyfriend and I are heading to Puerto Rico today for the holiday. After last year’s major fiascos (Thanksgiving at my brother’s, being sober and feeling VERY self-conscious about it — they asked me not to drink, yet they drank throughout the entire four or five days I was there; Christmas Eve in [cold west coast sity] — another shameful story for another post; New Year’s at my older brother’s, getting shitfaced, blacking out, and screaming bloody murder at my brother and his girlfriend, who is still hating me for it), I SWORE I was NOT doing holidays with the family this year. It’s my gift to myself. And, you know what? I deserve it. I don’t need to put myself through it again.

So…there ya have it! 😉

As for drinking? Eh, I don’t really feel like it, and it’s a consistent lack of desire. WHEW. I never EVER thought I’d feel a reprieve, and here it is. I don’t know if I don’t want to (75%) or I’ve convinced myself that the effects of drinking are shite (25%), but it’s enough to keep me away. I have noticed that the time lapse between romanticizing a drink and thinking about the nonsense that will ensue if I choose to have it has definitely decreased. I don’t have to endure the craving for long, if I apply my mental trick of “avoidance therapy” (my version of shock therapy, I guess). I really hope/pray (ha!) that it’s a mental trick that I can consistently rely on going forward. I also have begun to mentally associate feeling drunk with feeling hung over; my mind is putting a negative spin even on the “high” of the first drink or two. I never believed that my thought patterns could change like this; maybe a re-wiring is happening, but it doesn’t seem to be a conscious effort on my part. AWESOME, big old brain! You ain’t so bad after all. 😉

Coming up on 6 weeks sober this Thursday! Woot woot!

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cosmic consciousness, depression, drinking, God, higher power, holidays, psychology, recovery, sober, sobriety, Thanksgiving, travel, wine, women

Comments 7 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Depression, God, Higher Power, Meditation, Psychology, Recovery, Sobriety, Travel

Life is meaningless! Nothing really matters! I don’t have to drink over it, though.

17 Nov

2:30 pm

First up, I’m happy to report an absolutely drama-free morning. A full morning — swam, meditated, made cornbread muffins, washed my bikinis, pet the dog. Believe me, pre-sobriety, I NEVER would have been able boast about doing any of this, certainly not on a Saturday morning!

I’ve been swimming for exercise, and it’s been helping my sciatica, which has been flaring the past few months. (I think hormonal fluctuations play a huge role, so I’ll have to figure out if there’s anything I can do about that.)

Anyway, the past three days I got up around 7 and was at the local beach and in the water by 8 — YES, PIGS DO FLY. It’s been great for my back and leg pain, great for my arms, great for my spirit, great for my sense of accomplishment and therefore, work, and great for my calm. Each time, I’ve swum for about an hour or more — or, have tried to (the crawl was never my forte, and the salt water is a bit rough).

A lot of peeps in AA talk about how they feel good here, in the water. Floating, or swimming, or just being in it. Or, they talk about how their sobriety is enhanced and/or supported by being outdoors. It doesn’t hurt that we’re in an amazing location — and for me, as I’ve blogged before, the heat and humidity activate my sensual body, which makes me feel much more excited about being alive.

I, too, feel good in the water. Better than good. I feel so small, yet so big, in the water. I feel a PART of the ocean, like I could wrap my arms around it. I feel like it wants me, too; or at least, doesn’t shy away. There is no big old brain — mine or someone else’s — making things weird and awkward. I can Just Relax.

In AA, they say that anything can be your higher power, and mine is shaping up to be the HUNCH (in my scientific and nature-loving mind) that the aliveness — everything alive — on this planet is physically, literally OF ME. We are one. We are wired together, from eons of evolving together, to act and live and “think,” as it were, together. As one. So, no wonder I feel more complete, more whole, more alive — and more at peace, at home — in nature. And, especially in the water! Our ancestors lived in the water; we share, literally, the DNA in their cells. Could it be that those cells, which make up our body and brains, which eventually allow us to think and reason and feel and understand through their cellular activity — those cells remember? That the expression of those snippets of DNA is literally the same, across species and across millions of years? I feel it; we all feel it. What that “it” is, I don’t know.

Last night, my boyfriend and I toured the Etelman Observatory, a previously privately-owned dome on the top of the island that was donated to UVI in the ’60s. Anyway, it was Friday night, and what better way to spend the evening than to hear a lecture and then look through a telescope (yes, through a real lens and not a computer attached to the scope — apparently, a big deal and a real treat for astronomers). We saw Jupiter and four of its moons! Very cool. Very cool also to listen to the professor’s talk about asteroids and comets and meteors, and then see pictures of Earth and our solar system bathed, literally, in debris. Like, we are surrounded by rocks and shit flying around us in space.

What struck me was how very, very, very small we are. And how very, very, very either unlikely or likely that this kind of life — bacteria, dinosaurs, humans, rabbits, whales, ferns, lilies, to name a few — could develop and evolve on a planet other than Earth. Either we ARE unique, which is statistically extremely unlikely, or the right conditions developed and persisted on this planet. Those same conditions could develop and persist and lead to an entirely different range of life forms on some other planet, somewhere, in the Universe. No biggie. I mean, the Universe could give less than a rat’s ass; it is absolutely indifferent. Does this comfort me, or confuse me? Both. BUT, I came away from that lecture and viewing feeling more OPEN to accepting life — and evolution — more at face value.

I think I have always held out hope that Earth is particular, and that we, as humans, have been positioned here for a reason. Ironically, all this talk of a directly-intervening god has helped me to understand “Him” better — that I don’t believe in this at all.

There is no God, per se. There is, however, an “order” to things, a way of life, literally, on this planet. Could it be that all life on our planet is, like I said, wired together? Like all the bacteria in a culture, or, all the fish in a school? Is this why we feel more connected to a larger sense of Being, of Self, I guess, when we’re in an ocean or near a forest, places teeming with life?

This is important to my drinking how? Well, for me, the seeking of a sense of purpose, a sense of self, a sense of fitting into this world, this solar system, this galaxy, this Universe — I need to know where I fit; and when I don’t, I feel lost and empty. Does it matter? Should it? I drink over this. I feel helpless and hopeless about it all sometimes. Why not drink? It takes these thoughts (and feelings) away and swaps in grandiose ideas, emotional waves of goodness, a complete lack of caring about the bigger picture. I need to know that it’s OK for it not to matter — in a good way. I mean, if you’re looking at Earth from another galaxy, does anything here really matter; and if it does, what does THAT matter anyway? 😉

After my swim, I sat there and meditated. I enjoy meditating now; it brings me such relief to be ABLE to sit there and enjoy just sitting there. (Believe me, I’m not perfect, and most of the time, I do think. But, I call it meditating because it is an attempt to just sit there and absorb life without thinking about it.) It’s taken me close to a full year to be able to just Sit and Be. And, I consider that a large step in my recovery from addiction to outside substances for my “happiness.” If you think about how much we, as humans, value our thinking brains relative to how much damage they do to us, to how much thoughts simply get in our way? I would even posit that less thinking, less caring, less wondering is serving me better these days! I don’t have to DO anything — I can, and I want to, but I don’t have to care or feel guilty about not caring about the outcome. That is liberating to me, and it partially explains why I can sit — in relative peace and comfort — and watch the water for hours and NOT want to escape this “not doing anything.”

I am taking someone to a meeting tonight, so I guess I have to go. It’s a beginner’s meeting and I have no other plans, so, why the heck not? 😉 (AA, I love you.)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, Etelman Observatory, higher power, nature, recovery, sense of purpose, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 9 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Higher Power, Meditation, nature, Recovery, Sobriety

Buh-bye, wine. (‘We are never ever ever getting back together’)

15 Nov

9:23 pm

So, first up, THANK YOU, friends, for talking me down from the ledge. This afternoon, I got over myself and poured it out. The bottle of red that I hurriedly picked up on my way home from a frustrating AA meeting last night, that is.

I poured it down the kitchen sink, but I was going to do it over the toilet. However, I don’t hold grudges (Yellow Tail didn’t intentionally hurt me, so I have to show her (it’s a her) some respect.).

The funny thing is, I video recorded it on my phone! Haha. Me. I was going to post it here for all to see and laugh at, but I can’t seem to upload it via WordPress’s media library. Oh, well. In short, it was of me, tipping the bottle over the sink and saying, “Buh-bye.” Twice. “Buh-bye.” Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!

Whew. I’m over it. Like many people said in their comments to my post last night, getting drunk is simply not worth it. I’ve got 5 weeks as of today, and damn it, it just doesn’t help to drink. It doesn’t work. And, it’s not going to change anything — except to make it worse, because one glass leads to one bottle leads to two bottles leads to…you get the gist. Most importantly, in order to get past this obsession, I need to learn to sit with it. “It” being my bad feelings, my frustration, my cravings/desire to drink. My want. That is what I’m working on simply accepting. And, like I shared in a meeting tonight, paradoxically, when I accept my wanting to drink, it’s easier to deal with it.

Work the muscle. Practice makes perfect.

A strange concept hit me when I was pouring the wine down the drain, strange in that it was the first time I actually conceptualized the fact that wine is not what I want! It is a substance, like any other. And, that it is ONLY that, a substance — external and separate. As I watched my hand through the camera, I realized just how separate wine is from me. How impersonal. It holds my projections, but alone, it means nothing. It could have been red paint, or red gasoline, or red hydrochloric acid.

At that moment, having dramatically separated myself from the bottle, I realized that I didn’t want to DRINK the wine, I wanted to INGEST it. Like, I wanted to bring it toward my heart, cradle it on the inside. It’s interesting to me that our physical hunger and our emotions are tied up in the same neurons in our brain, the same place. Ancient structures control basic needs and essential feelings. So, does my heart hurt, or does my stomach feel empty? It’s quite hard to tell, and maybe it’s both. Do I drink wine, especially, because it fills my empty stomach or my aching heart — or, my aching stomach and my empty heart?

I have known this emotional hunger; Caroline Knapp wrote a must-read book that floored me when I first read it. Drinking: A Love Story hits the nail on the head — and is written with so much eloquence. Booze is a friend, a lover to some. The attachment to your substance of choice is not simply physical, it is emotional. I think what makes it even harder to detach — cut the cord, as one of my friends used to say — from booze is that you’re consuming it. You’re drinking wine and swallowing beer. You’re not inhaling it, or putting it into your veins.

So, anyway, I dumped the wine. A split second moment of sadness and then, relief. Moving on…

I had a great day today, which started at 7 with a swim at the beach! My boyfriend gave me flowers, and I got assigned a bunch of work, which is a direct result of me proactively seeking it out (from my current editors and “co-workers”). Which makes me realize, again, how I need to be more proactive in a LOT of areas in my life.

So, it’s obviously not all bad. I can breathe, and I have four limbs and a healthy fear of aliens. Duh, life is pretty amazing. Still, I can get caught up in my own head and lose perspective. I’ll leave you with one big reason I have to be grateful: my location. I have to keep reminding myself that yes, I deserve this…

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, Caroline Knapp, coping mechanism, coping skills, cravings, drinking, Drinking: A Love Story, emotional hunger, gratitude, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 13 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Gratitude, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

Does anyone ever say anything bad about AA? Or, how I despise the peacocks in the room

14 Nov

9:37 pm

Yes, I’m annoyed.

I mean, WHY, oh why, does it feel like I can’t express my quickly declining interest in the steps, the thinkin’, the analyzing, the “learn to live” aspect of AA? Oh, right, because NO ONE in the room seems to allow it. I guess it might just be a matter of get on board or drown, but… That’s just not how it’s supposed to be! Quitting drinking is a process, and AA is simply not the only way.

Tonight’s meeting was the usual: five long-term sober males spouting off their “words of wisdom” and nearly getting off hearing themselves talk (to each other, basically) while the rest of us just sat there. Sure, I could’ve spoke up, but… It doesn’t feel right. I can hardly stand it anymore. Time to find a new meeting, methinks.

I’ve told my women friends that I’d LOVE to share my current thoughts about the program, which are: I don’t want to think about drinking even more than I have been doing. I don’t want to replace one set of “should’s” with another (I drank to escape self-imposed “should’s” and now I SHOULD follow the steps?). I don’t want a sponsor (well, not really, except to answer my questions and let me complain). I don’t want to look at my “denial,” my “horrible character defects,” my “lack of spirituality,” which is, of course, a result of not living AA (cough cough). I don’t want any of this, and I don’t want to feel guilty — or worse, like a wallflower, or like someone who is simply refusing to engage because she’s being a prick — about not wanting it. I just want to not drink.

I just want to not drink. Isn’t it OK to Just Not Drink?

Sigh.

This whole AA thing is fucking with my head. Maybe because I’ve done some of this work, maybe because I do analyze my drinking and the reasons behind it — a LOT. I mean, every single one of the old men rambling on about their drinking tonight talked about how selfish they were and how they never knew it, or how they never even considered that they had character defects.

Huh? The reason I drank — drink — is because of my “defects.”

I bought a bottle of wine on the way home — the first purchase of booze on the island this time around, 34 days later. As I was getting ready to walk the dog (which includes rubbing an inordinate amount of tiger balm all over my left leg, buttock, and hip = frustration nation, but I have faith that this sciatica flare-up has got to subside soon), I realized that today is day 34, which means tomorrow is 5 weeks.

I caved after 5 weeks the last time.

NOT AGAIN.

Still. Sometimes I can’t help but think, Come ON, DDG, isn’t this all a bit much? I mean, the abstinence, the black and white, the “never drinking again EVER?” It’s just a bottle of wine! It’s just grapes! And, then I have to remind myself that I don’t have to demonize the substance; I need to analyze my relationship to it and how I USE it. (I also have to remind myself that if I drink it, it’s my choice. Just like going to meetings. It’s all my choice, and none of this, including the rambling old white men, are meant to make things worse.)

I GOT THIS. 34 days sober and 13 out of 90 meetings in 90 days. NO STOPPING ME. (As I think about that cheap bottle of red in my bag…)

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 12 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

‘Letting go and letting God’ (cringe) means saying no

14 Nov

4:18 pm

No to a lot of things, at least for me at the moment.

I shared — finally — at last night’s women’s meeting, and the topic was letting go and letting God. Yikes. I get the first part of the sentence — to me it means stopping obsessing and living in my thoughts, which prevents me from doing things, or seeing the world as it is and not how I’m imagining it’s happening TO ME. It’s the second half that I’ve decided to well, let go. WHO KNOWS?

Letting go. Today, I realized that even reading magazines like Vogue triggers me. I’m sure I’m not alone, and I’m lucky to have a few years under my belt to know that douchebaggery and money do not buy happiness. Still, it sort of makes me think poorly of myself. To wonder, what if I had done this, or been that, would I be in these people’s shoes? “These people” meaning, all the people inside this evil book who are richer, thinner, and “happier” than I am.

Presently, “letting go” means letting go of my obsessive thoughts, which ensnare me. The ruminating, the overthinking. Giving up. It’s also as much about letting go of the conditioned thinking that comes with our cultural milieu, here in USA, Inc. For example:

I say no to being “successful.” I give up defining my success by other people’s standards and/or ideals.
I give up trying to stay thin.
I give up trying to stay fit.
I give up caring about your morality, as it compares to my own.
I give up wanting to have kids when I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment — to the kids.
I give up feeling bad about this.
I give up caring what my brother does or says, while he’s under the influence of his girlfriend.
I give up feeling guilty about giving up on this.
I give up feeling lazy because I’m not working 80 hours a week.
I give up feeling unproductive when I don’t get anything on my to-do list done.
I give up wanting a house.
I give up wanting to think buying a house is practical or even smart.
I give up thinking making my brain hurt by doing things it’s not good at is “challenging” and therefore, positive.

I could go on and on, but you get the gist. A lot of our obsessive thinking is a form of rebellion, and let me tell you, bucking the system, rebelling, is NOT EASY. It’s not easy on the mind, and it’s definitely not easy on the heart. It’s why, I’d say, a LOT of us drink/drank. The roots of my ennui, in a way, boil down to my absence of perspective on what’s a healthy way to react to striving/achievement, to success — and what’s NOT. Not to mention, it’s very difficult to make healthy mental and emotional choices when ALL AROUND YOU, EVERYONE IS NOT.

Look at our cities. Look at how people actually “live” in Silicon Valley. Look at what the typical American places value on, builds their sense of self around. You can say, That’s fucked up and I don’t want anything to do with it…but on the other hand, you also have to work within the system, at least for a while, in order to safely exit it.

I don’t know. I’m thinking too much now. When I say, I need to learn how to Turn It Off, it means turn off the TV, the computer, the phone, the city, the chitter chatter of people all around me — my friends and family, those closest to my heart — who are stopping making sense to me.

And, when all else fails, I turn on David Byrne because, well, I find his brand of lunacy more intelligent and more comforting than all the creature comforts and mental salves that I’m supposed to want, to hold on to, to fight for.

I give up!

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, higher power, Let go and let God, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

Comments 4 Comments
Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Higher Power, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

Weird and Awkward, meet Drunky Drunk Girl

12 Nov

11:55 pm

So, I ended my last post a few hours ago (no, I don’t really have a life yet, but I’m workin’ on it!) with going to a meeting that I had the gut feeling would turn out to be “weird and awkward.” Now, I don’t really mind weird and awkward — most of journalism is weird and awkward — but, I dunno, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.

Well, as it turns out, the meeting consisted of me and Rick, this old biker dude. Talk about weird and awkward. I made the best of it, though, and thought that maybe this was — wait for it — God’s will/way of telling me to buck up, practice sharing to a party of one, in preparation to start sharing some of my insight at “real” meetings tomorrow. Or, it could have just been a weird and awkward thing that makes a funny story later.

It was good, though, to share. I like hearing myself talk, I cannot lie. AND, I don’t feel nervous the way I do in front of large groups. Something happened to me during grad school and I now have what I would call a physical affliction related to speaking in front of large groups. I literally get so nervous that my heart beats out of my chest, my voice shakes, and I can barely get words out sometimes. It happens unfailingly no matter what the group. It never used to happen. It’s horrible, and physically disturbing. Which means, I find it even that much harder to speak at AA meetings. On the other hand, I have NO qualms talking one-on-one to people about my feelings and experiences regarding drinking. So it goes. We’ll see if I can muster the courage to get over my heart palpitations tomorrow — or soon.

(I also met a neighbor who is a radio journalist down here, and we had a good chat, which he ended by saying, “I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this, but you seem like a good person.” Whatever is happening here, including the weird and awkward AA meeting that forced me to open up emotionally such that I am attracting others, I like it. I’ll take it!)

Tags: AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, God, higher power, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

Comments 6 Comments
Categories AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Higher Power, Recovery, Sobriety

Sex and sobriety — it’s actually possible?

12 Nov

5:29 pm

Yes, indeed. It actually IS.

SAY WHAT?

Without going into too much detail — har har — I have a few minutes before yet ANOTHER PAIN IN MY ASS MEETING takes up the hours that I somewhat dread anyway, between 4:30 and 7; so, I thought I’d say hello and, um, dump some heavy thoughts on you. Yes, I’m good at that.

As has become apparent to me, most people who drink alcoholically are also doing it to medicate, avoid, or in general, escape. For me, I used booze. I used it for many things: to not feel bored, to not feel sad, to avoid confronting existential problems, like, What should I do with my life? and, How am I going to spend the next few minutes? and, If I spend them wrong, does that mean I’m a loser? or, Man, I don’t know what to do first, maybe I’ll drink to avoid deciding? or, I don’t know how to have fun or take a break, so I’ll drink to avoid dealing with figuring that out. And, on and on.

I realized, long before I quit drinking, that I had a very healthy fear of intimacy; sex, of course, but relationships, in general. I used booze to both avoid them and avoid having to deal with this fear while sober. As I discovered, you get exactly what you’re looking for. I was afraid of dating, of having sex sober, so I drank and got what I really wanted: pathetic, drunk sex with partners who were NOWHERE NEAR relationship material. (Then again, neither was I, and maybe that was also a variable in the equation!)

I have only dated three men in my life, long-term; the last actual relationship I was in was oh, about 8 years ago. Yes, I’ve been single for most of my 30s, mainly out of fear of being known; out of fear of someone — who is much cooler and better and more awesome, of course — finding out just how boring, or fidgety, or indecisive, or lazy, or uncreative, or [insert your favorite diss here] I really am. I avoided not just relationships, but sex. I simply couldn’t get myself to do it, sober. Too close, too intimate. What if we locked eyes and I had to reveal a feeling? What if he expected to have a, gasp!, conversation with me, sober? What would I say? Would he be interested? What if I was depressed, or unsure, or crazy, or kooky, but not his kind of kooky? Would he be OK with that? What if (IF? LOL) he was boring, or shallow, or clueless, or lame, or whatever, and I had to pretend to like him because I was lonely; or because I wanted to give someone a chance in order to feel less “strange bird”-esque for preferring to spend my nights — and days — alone, doing my own thing, at ease and deriving pleasure from that?

Best to just be drunk, to avoid it all, and then hung over, to excuse myself quietly.

What a horrible way to live, eh? And, what about me?, I ask, as I read and remember the self-berating monologue that must have been going on repeat in the back of my mind for years. YEARS.

I had a lot of social anxiety growing up, and it manifested in extreme shyness, in overstudying, in spending most of my non-school-related time alone, writing or reading; and then, sort of following my twin (or, did he follow me?) to the same university; and then, finally, discovering binge eating and binge drinking as a way to avoid it all AND make it feel better at the same time. Fast forward from my 20s to my 30s; I kept drinking the wine, and left all the other stuff behind. Or, so I thought.

Funny thing is, I had a LOT of intimate, and amazing, relationships with women over the years. And, with men who were not men I wanted to date or have sex with. So, it wasn’t all bad, but it got a lot WORSE when I started to drink to ridiculous excess, put work and career success way ahead of love, and isolate.

These days, I’m basking in the fruit of my labors: I ended up entering a relationship with a friend who I’ve known for 10 years, and I feel safe. I don’t know if he knows how difficult it was for me to basically feel the fear and do it anyway, but I’m glad I did. I don’t think there’s a magic bullet; like everything sober, it takes personal work to talk myself out of actually believing that it matters when there’s an “awkward” moment. I don’t think sober folks deal with anything different, either; they may have just learned to confront love and sex earlier than I did. Who knows?

Anyway, I could go ON and ON about this, but I’ll stop for now. Off to a new meeting. I’m a bit…anxious? I’ve never been to this one, and well, I haven’t heard much about it. My gut says that it’ll be weird, and awkward, but hey, Weird and Awkward are my closest friends these days and I promised them yesterday that I’d come out and play again today, so…

Bye, y’all! 32 days, btw!

Tags: alcoholic, alcoholism, anxiety, binge drinking, depression, drinking, recovery, relationships, sex, sobriety, social anxiety, wine, women

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Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Depression, Recovery, Sex and Relationships, Sobriety, Social Anxiety

All I have to do is not drink. Really?

12 Nov

12:07 am

Yes, really.

I’m SO tired, so I’ll make it short: today was a very good day, mainly because it was full, it was sober, and it was all OK. I never thought I’d see the day where I could get up at 7, make a meeting by 8, swim by 11, go furniture shopping and grocery shopping and cook and cook some more and talk to my entire family, ALL ON A SUNDAY (“every day is like Sunday, silent and gray”) — and be OK with not drinking during any of it.

MOI? I can’t believe it, but even for me, the mental cravings have diminished to the point of simply putting up with them, like spiders, rather than having to fend off the flailing, wet hands trying to pull me down to the empty grave.

So, yes. Tired, but good tired. And, not at all vexed; it will all get done, it will all work out, and if it doesn’t, then, well, something sure-as-shit-else will! 😉

Seriously. I never in a hundred lifetimes believed that I would be even close to being able to say, I don’t really feel like drinking. But, I don’t. Every day sans The Grape just reinforces that yes, I can make it through the days, the hours, the events, the emotions without drinking. And, I can do it fairly well, not just grinning and bearing it. I never thought the mental cravings would subside to the extent that they have, but, well, they have. Maybe I’ve just shoved them so far down that…? Or, maybe, the “wolf voice” is getting quieter and quieter in favor of the other, stronger “I need to get this done now so please shut it” Buddha voice within?

Rambling. Anyway, this morning, swimming with a new friend who is about 17 years sober, I was like, Ellen, isn’t not drinking enough? I whined, Can’t I just not think about not drinking for a while? Can’t I just not drink? And she was like, That’s exactly what you should do, and I think if you shared that at a meeting, you’d probably get applause. I’ve become tired of thinking about the steps, the confessions, the staring-down-of-self, the wonderings about God and a higher power and What It All Means. I have. So much so that I feel like I’d be bursting everyone’s AA bubble at meetings if I just came out and said, I don’t drink because drinking makes me feel shitty and hung over the next day. Isn’t that enough?

It is. I know it is. I’ll keep going to meetings, but for now, I’m just glad to FINALLY — after almost FIVE months of pretty solid sobriety — feel like I’ve reached the other side and am looking back over my shoulder, panting and breathing a sigh of relief.

Maybe I’ve given up on it working, on it fixing anything, on fixing anything/it? Good. Maybe I’m too tired, or vain (wine gut, hello?) to drink like I used to, which was alcoholically? Great. Maybe I’m just tired of fighting the urge — which actually stresses me out — that comes after the first drink and that I can’t resist so I give up before I try? Fine. Maybe one more hangover might actually, veritably kill me? Yes.

No matter what it is, I am not drinking and not really wanting to drink. And feeling safe in that. Looking back over the trail, marveling at how I got here. The wolf is at bay, licking the dust I kicked into its eye after running it down and stomping on its head.

Good night, friends, and thanks one and all.

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Recovery, Sobriety

AA meeting, you’re ruining my schedule; I have shit to do!

10 Nov

3:58 pm

ARG.

And, I’m at 30 days today! Yay for me. Now, can we move on?

For some reason, I don’t want to let people at AA know it’s my 30 days today. I might not. I guess it’s just that this is, and always will be — and is becoming more and more so — a private affair. No matter how much talking and sharing there is (I have only shared once here and that was at a women’s meeting; I talk to people AFTER the meetings, and I have made some friends, on a positive note), it’s still private, my own. I don’t care to let anyone know anymore that I’m sober/getting sober, based on the reaction I got this summer when I told people and they reacted negatively or with indifference. I also feel like I’ve come a long way, going to these meetings as a form of therapy: it really doesn’t matter to me if anyone knows, the only pat on the shoulder I need is from myself.

I’ll probably force myself to take the chip and let people know, but… I really don’t want to.

I guess I’m an impatient person; but, when one has a million things to do BESIDES DRINKING — and when one finally realizes this and wants to bust a move and do something about it — going to a meeting and listening to people talk about their “disease” and about “not drinking no matter what;” well, it just seems like a waste of time. And, I find myself having to schedule — and disrupt — my day around it. Like, by the time I get my day rolling, I’ve got to go to this meeting. Which when all is said and done will take three hours, not one, counting driving there, errands (why not, I’m en route), etc.

ARG.

Whatever. There are much larger things to bitch and moan about, but still. I want to do shit, not heal, damn it! 😉

So, another day where I will have done nothing, really, but hit a meeting and not drink. Well, I walked the dog to the ocean, which was gorgeous (and I was sober and not hung over, which, if I painfully recall, I was the last time I was down at this beach = oof, that hangover hurt like a mofo). In fact, sitting there is going to be a trigger for me, mainly because I want to be doing other stuff that does not involve drinking, talking about drinking, or not drinking.

90 meetings in 90 days? I am definitely counting them down, and don’t plan to go to any more after I hit 90. While it’s helping, I likely would not go if I was only doing it for myself. Luckily, I can think beyond my immediate “wants” again and just do it, even if I don’t really know why.

9 meetings today, 30 days today!

Now, can we move on?

Tags: AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, drinking, recovery, sobriety, wine, women

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Categories AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

Cravings and triggers…

9 Nov

12:44 am

are two separate realities. Who knew?

I feel like I’ve crested a hill that I never made it over before, and that is Craving Hill. Like, the cravings, rather than being a constant buzz in my ear, have become a semi-distant ringing. And, the cravings are distinct from the triggers. I always sort of thought that the trigger was the craving, or the craving was the trigger; not so.

(Bear with me; since I have been going to meetings and plugged into this “other world” of therapy and acceptance, my thoughts have been like massive explosions — expanding, convoluted, all over the place; shrapnel flying at me from all directions.)

My cravings are subsiding into memory. And if not, I slap my mental wrist so hard every time I think about giving up AGAIN before 90 days that they run fleeing, like a scolded dog, from my frontal cortex to the dark neuronal recesses where they fucking belong. That being said, I’m don’t want to jinx it. I keep waiting for them to come back, but they really haven’t. Yesterday, even when I was crying and feeling super-down and super-frustrated, I didn’t necessarily want to drink wine, i.e., I didn’t crave wine. I just wanted the feelings to go away.

Which brings me to my point: cravings are cravings, and they subside. Triggers are what’s behind the cravings, and they don’t! Well, I’m learning how to eliminate the triggers by doing something about them, OR, by learning how to take a deep breath, accept them, and plan to deal with them as soon as I can. For example, in order to not feel the trigger of existential inertia, I can send a pitch letter, or email someone at the university about a class, or make some headway on my long-shelved memoir (none of these things I’ve done yet, but that’s where the whole “plan to deal with them” part comes in!)…

At tonight’s meeting, I realized that most of my social angst comes from not being open, not doing the inviting. As an old roommate of mine used to say (this pertained to dating, which I was not doing any of in my late 20s), “You have to make yourself aVAILable.” She’d always emphasize and drag out the “VAIL” part, as if saying it like that would make me realize that I wasn’t doing so. I pretended to not know what she meant, but I’m pretty sure it had something to do with actually answering my phone, or picking it up once in a while and making the call, or stopping driving around [cold west coast city] alone, aimlessly, when I could be like, sitting in on a class or having coffee or doing a million and three other amazing things in that town that I never did because I was so damned scared to make myself aVAILable.

I get it now, but it’s funny to watch my old habits rearing their ugly heads here. I feel a bit…voiceless…these days. Like, I’ve lost my voice in this getting-sober thing. Or, I forgot the words. What I think it is, is not having my usual points of reference: in the morning, wine to look forward to; at night, wine to actually drink. Without my sign posts, I don’t know the script!

I haven’t EVER socialized in a new city without booze. ALL of my new connections, whether professional or personal, have almost always started around “drinks.” I don’t know how to do it differently. Yet, I do. Pick up the phone. Grow a pair. Just do it.

Anyway, it felt good tonight to see that I’ve actually made a few friends at AA; like, these people are becoming my friends, more than just 2D cartoon characters whose sad faces don’t resemble mine. Here’s to some future social events where cravings and triggers are NOT invited! 😉

Btw, friends: 7 meetings down, 28 days sober! Woo hoo!

Tags: 12 steps, AA, alcoholic, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, binge drinking, cravings, drinking, recovery, sobriety, triggers, wine, women

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Categories 12 Steps, AA, Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Cravings, Recovery, Sobriety, Triggers

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Drunky Drunk Girl

Depression, purging at AA meetings, and cosmic consciousness — oh, my!

Life is meaningless! Nothing really matters! I don’t have to drink over it, though.

Buh-bye, wine. (‘We are never ever ever getting back together’)

Does anyone ever say anything bad about AA? Or, how I despise the peacocks in the room

‘Letting go and letting God’ (cringe) means saying no

Weird and Awkward, meet Drunky Drunk Girl

All I have to do is not drink. Really?

AA meeting, you’re ruining my schedule; I have shit to do!

Cravings and triggers…

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