Drunky Drunk Girl

First day off social media…

6:20 pm

…and, it feels good-ish. I have decided to not go on as much, and today, so far, I haven’t logged in to either Facebook or LinkedIn at all. It feels good, for the most part: I like having more free space in my head (and heart), but I don’t like feeling as if I’m intentionally disconnecting/ed from friends, the news, information, reality. Sure, I guess I could just turn on the TV news, but…it’s not quite the same.

I’ll get used to it. Once, a few years ago, I went for ONE WHOLE MONTH–gasp!–without logging in to Facebook. Back then, I had some things that I really wanted to figure out in my life, some choices to make, and I didn’t want the distraction of Facebook to get in my way. I can’t remember if I felt all that antsy not being on it every day; I did feel like I was missing out on “what’s happening” in my friends’ “lives,” but, that was three years ago, when friends actually posted about their lives and I actually saw their posts.

Now, it just seems that all I see are news, sponsored ads (gah, I HATE sponsored ads), and, um, the odd post that is both genuine and interesting to regular old people, aka, your “friends.” I still see the odd “photos from our family trip” once in a while, quite a few baby pics (I don’t get why people are still posting baby pics to Facebook; if I were a parent, I would never do that–maybe I’m just paranoid); I still see “this is what I made for dinner” posts, and I do see interesting shared news here or there. However, these days, most posts seem highly curated–people don’t share off the cuff, and they are aware that what they share can and will be used (for or) against them.

For me, it’s taking up too much space in my head; just thinking about going on Facebook makes my head spin and gives me a bit of anxiety: WHAT am I going to encounter today that is going to make me angry or emotionally unstable? Haha. Seriously. It’s like, after I’m done scrolling, I have this feeling of void; like, my ability to think creatively and positively (about what I, myself, am going to do that day) seems subtracted. And, especially during this COVID-19 quarantine/lockdown period, where days and goals and projects have been sort of turned around, when we really need to cultivate a sense of structure, if we are that kind of person (I am!)–I guess I just need all my time and space to myself, to figure out how to best live my life right now.

I hope everyone is hanging in there. I am on week 2 of my furlough, and last week was great as I got a lot done. This week? Well, I think I’m going to continue to work on my writing, but, that includes starting some new projects–which I have yet to create for myself. Now that I don’t have to write about my work stuff, I am free to…explore, I guess. I was talking to my brother last night, and he reminded me that I don’t have to be productive during a pandemic. I get that; I mean, I would like to figure out what is going to excite me, as a writer, in the next few months or years; but, I’m not going to get crazy about it.

I’d love to um, learn a few languages (haha–not just one, but two) and start on the whole Ancestry.com thing. Mainly, I’d love to read; guys, I am THE WORST reader. When I set my mind to it, I can skim-read books in hours. BUT, I am not one to pick up a book anymore in my free time and read for pleasure–last few years, at least, I’ve just felt that I can’t afford the time to do that, I have all this other stuff to do. Well, now that I don’t feel that other stuff breathing down my neck, I do want to give myself permission to read more books. Finally, as we all probably know, there is SO MUCH TELEVISION to watch, it’s unfathomable!

There is one thing that hasn’t changed during this time: I just don’t drink. And, I am still utterly grateful for that fact of my life, every hour of every day. It’s strange how it can be that way, but, every day, almost, I wake up grateful to not be hungover, grateful that I get to do all this stuff that I just rambled on about, grateful that I am here, present, able to see the trees, the forest, and everything in between. And, I haven’t forgotten that it was my readers who helped me get through all the hard places and dark nights (the night, indeed, can be dark and full of terrors). And that, I am still in recovery, I will probably never be able to drink again, and I am grateful for those things, too.

Tags: coronavirus, covid-19, Facebook, Facebook addiction, get off facebook, get off social media, hobbies, lockdown, quarantine, shelter in place, social distancing, social media

Comments 7 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Boundaries, Gratitude, Hobbies, Life, Long-term sobriety, Random, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety, Triggers

Face value

6 Apr

11:13 am

Take it at face value. Take what he or she says at face value.

I am so used to hearing expressions like these, but not really understanding them. Lately, I am coming to grasp the meaning–and the value–of face value. Maybe it’s the COVID-19 situation bringing it into better focus.

What is face value when you no longer see anyone’s real face? I mean, in the age of text and social media, is there really any face value? Sure, we have video–and, truth be told, I’d rather Zoom than not see people (I was SO excited to see my boss’s face the other day, after literally about nine months of just hearing her voice on the phone). However, the majority of our relationships, for the most part, exist on text and social media–at the very least, I would say, NOT face to face, or, as they say, in real life (IRL). Is anyone else getting simply tired of it? Or, if not tired of it, wondering why you are feeling like an outlier because you don’t really want to count it anymore as real interaction?

I feel like so many of my relationships consider text communications to be sufficient–and, to be fair, sometimes they can be–to be the brunt of our total interactions! To that, I am increasingly saying, it’s not enough. It really does require more than that (for me, for where I am right now in my life and in my recovery). To add, my not responding (or not responding fully) does not mean that I don’t like you, or that I am angry or pissed or whatever; it just means that I just don’t consider it “real” face to face–and I refuse to give it that value.

Even my mom sends emails a LOT more regularly these days; she used to get annoyed when I emailed her instead of calling. Now, I can’t be bothered to go into depth over email, so she’s the one who’s like, why didn’t you reply, it’s been days! The irony!

I know my tendency as an introvert is to not interact with people; but since getting sober, I have tried really hard to go around that tendency and force myself to talk to people, to try and see people (versus other ways of staying in touch). We are, so many of us, introverts; however, being an introvert is not the same as using text to avoid someone because you are insecure; or, using text as a means to replace an actual “IRL” relationship because, for some reason, you don’t want to commit to a relationship.

The thing is, a lot can get crossed over the wires when you’re only–or mainly–texting or using social media; a lot can be misinterpreted or misunderstood. Which can lead to, well, relationships gone bad. And, these are never made better unless you see each other face to face–you can never really truly take things at face value unless you’re face to face, body to body (in my opinion, anyway). This might be a rather traditional, luddite approach (favored by my grandparents, no doubt! damn, has perimenopause aged me four decades instead of two these past several years?), but one whose value I am only now beginning to truly appreciate, in the midst of a pandemic that has forced us all to re-consider how we’ve been interacting lately.

On a personal note, I was furloughed from my (normally remote) nonprofit job–90 days, no pay. I am going to try to collect UI, but we’ll see (I am not 100% sure I can get it considering how hairy things have gotten pretty much everywhere with everyone applying for unemployment benefits). The silver lining is actually gold: I get to step away from this job for a while, which has sucked up a lot of my mental and emotional time this past 16 months, and invest it in this blog, in my own personal writing, in well, my recovery. Lately, I feel like I need to address my reactions to other people–maybe it’s as simple as, I see some of my acquaintances’ behavior differently now that I am more sober and older, and it probably was never cool to begin with. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I am increasingly like, bye, gurl, when it comes to confusing/indirect/passive aggressive behavior–I don’t have the willpower or desire anymore to dig deep and speculate; I choose to take things at face value.

In any case, I suggest everyone step back and give yourself a pat on the back and a big hug–you are doing great. Amazing, actually. And, I mean that–you can take that at face value. YOU ARE AMAZING.

Tags: coronavirus, covid-19, face to face, face to face communication, face value, in real life, indirect, passive aggressive, social media, text

Comments 4 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Friendships, Issues, Long-term sobriety, Psychology, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

Introverts, rejoice (in hiding, of course)

28 Mar

8:53 pm

Well, if no one else is going to say it, I might as well: as an introvert, I’m kind of loving this social-distancing, sheltering-in-place stuff. I mean, I haven’t seen any media story cover the COVID-19 pandemic with the angle of, how do introverts feel to “have” to be alone all the time. It feels like the elephant in the room when I’m talking to people who really know me. I keep joking about it, like, haha, this is how I usually live, my life hasn’t changed at all, secretly wondering if I was, am, and will be judged for being an introvert (some might say that I am bordering on hermetic these days).

Of course, all the stories zero in on extroverts, or are written from the (more common?) extrovert mindset: this sucks, to not be able to have human contact, to not be able to get together, to not be able to talk or hug in person.

Um, not if you’re an introvert! It kind of truly is how I live my life most of the time. And, a part of me feels slightly scared (is there something terribly wrong with me?) and another part is intrigued (what is it about me, about my own company, that sustains me more than that of others?). For me, the timing of this pandemic is a relief, considering my days and nights are stressed by work and trying to maintain a sense of sanity and normalcy in the face of my severe perimenopausal night heat. As an introvert, I find myself thinking, I finally don’t have to make excuses anymore for not wanting to go out or be with other people in a social setting!

I mean, I am used to working from home, but also, spending my time alone and doing a lot of things alone–and preferring it that way! Even to me, that still sounds bad, but it’s taken me 45 years to not feel the urge to apologize for who I am; it’s probably never going to feel perfectly right, but at least I’m on my way toward being more accepting of myself.

Like, my life is pretty much EXACTLY the same as it was pre-lockdown: I spend all day home, alone, working, except for the (admittedly relieving–even introverts need connection!) conference calls that I typically almost always conduct via voice (we don’t normally dial in using video); I work out alone; I usually don’t go out to dinner or (gasp!) the bars anymore. Once in a while, I’ll hang out with a friend or go to the beach with a group, but it’s rare.

Of course, I have my people, those one or two or three people whom I’ve let in, who know me, and with whom I can be myself. Even still, I need my space and “me” time. And, by that, I mean, time alone to observe, to process–and, to get the kind of deep, soulful feedback from myself that I need to feel full, whole, good. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy others’ company; more often than not, though, I prefer my own, maybe because I am overly self-conscious, maybe because I feel like I “get more back” (in terms of what makes me feel grounded and optimistic) from my inner self.

That being said, I totally understand that feeling of being out of control and insane from spending too much time alone! I’ve been working from home, as a writer, for almost a decade; what I’ve found helps me is this:

tracking my time (making to-do lists, writing in a journal);
processing the negative thoughts that just start to whir when you’re alone a lot (again, writing in a journal is essential to me getting all that junk down on digital paper, as it were, and letting it go/clearing the way for positive thoughts); and
doing things outside my home (and, that could be, doing yoga on the deck instead of in my bedroom, just to see a change of scenery).

It’s not easy, and I feel for people who don’t have significant others, pets–anything to help you feel less up in your head after a long day of being and working alone. I have hated it at times, but, the alternative is one, not being a writer (I’ve done that, and I’m probably going to do that again–though an introvert, I can swing toward extroversion for extended periods of time as well; a true Gemini!); and two, writing from an office with people around me, which isn’t really different from writing alone at home except there are people around me, talking or distracting me. I guess the biggest difference is that I don’t have coworkers to chat with, and that can grate on anyone’s nerves, even mine! Dogs don’t talk back to you (in words, anyway).

And, all that being said, it does suck to not be able to go out and see friends, hug your people, etc. etc. etc.! But, this, too, shall pass, this, too, shall pass. (at least we don’t have to worry about keeping stocked with red wine, right?)

Tags: being with people is tiring, coronavirus, covid-19, don't like being with people, enjoy my own company, introversion, introvert, pandemic, self-conscious, social distancing, social isolation, time alone

Comments 12 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Current events, Long-term sobriety, Mental health, Mindfulness, Psychology, Self-employment, Sobriety

Love in the time of…Covid-19

19 Mar

2:31 pm

I had this long post drafted, but, as it goes, I trashed it, held off for a few days, and am starting over.

What I really want to say is, I hope everyone is hanging in there, not letting the fear and paranoia overwhelm, and well, just being OK with being isolated. See, my preferred way of life is social distancing and sheltering in place, and I’ve been practicing it for years, so…I got it down (haha). However, for those who don’t, my advice is, take it as it comes, try to connect in virtual ways (this blog was my lifeline when I was first getting sober), and don’t let your bad feelings and thoughts about it all get you down or make you feel less than you are, which is strong and capable and worthy. You are doing your best; you’re not going to do it right or perfect the first time around (as a perfectionist, it’s a lesson I learn over and over again with every day, every written piece, every trashed blog post…).

I have gone insane more than once over the years, working from home from an island. On thing I have learned is, you do need a change of scenery, a feeling of having gotten out into the world. I have learned to go outside when I start feeling trapped and angsty about being cooped up–get out, in any way or form; whether than involves actually meeting up with people or just seeing them in action, both are helpful. You don’t have to go far either; just far enough out of your home orbit to feel like you’ve tasted the world a bit. Again, if you get angry or frustrated or start to feel trapped–don’t get down on yourself. This way of life is not easy, especially for people who actually like human interaction (haha).

So, lately, I’ve been mulling/ruminating on the nature of evolving friendships as you get sober and move into long-term sobriety, and as you age. Frankly, I feel like I’ve aged two decades over the past two years–we moved off island for those two years, and I entered the symptomatic phase of perimenopause. GURL, I cannot tell you how the latter has made me re-evaluate my relationships. If I was questioning the basis of my friendships immediately after getting sober–do I really like this person, or did I connect with him/her mainly because I needed a semblance of friendship or a potential drinking buddy?–I started to really dig deeper years down the line. NOW? I am really finding it difficult to have any patience for phony or passive aggressive behavior. And, I seem to keep running up against that here, with friends that I had and that I am coming home to, literally or figuratively.

Granted, friendships change when you leave home; you can’t go home again is right, but one can hope–especially when it comes to deeper friendships. I don’t know if it’s paranoia from the Covid, paranoia/anger from the pill depleting my feel-good hormones (or general hormonal imbalance), or if I am just seeing things clearly now, but….I just can’t tolerate phoniness anymore. Maybe I’m just not willing to buy into it anymore.

That being said, it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. In fact, the bad apples are few and far between in the grand scheme of a lifetime of relationships. There are good people out there, a lot of them (all of you!). I like to think of it in terms of “holistic” healthcare practitioners: There are good yoga teachers and not so good, right? Good reiki practitioners and the frauds. Good acupuncturists and the ones who make your limbs tremble. It’s all a matter of perspective, too–black-and-white thinking never got me anywhere. And, I can do things to immediately change my state of mind: Get off Facebook (gah–for real!), practice deep breathing, go outside, and um, just go to bed; remember what I have right now, to be grateful for; remember that it will not last, whatever it is that I am experiencing physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.

I promise to write more, I’ve just been feeling very challenged emotionally and physically lately. Still, I promise to share more of those challenges, in more frequent posts.

I’m so grateful for this community–keeping me sane for almost eight years and counting…

Tags: acceptance, control, coronavirus, covid-19, evolution, fake, Friendships, passive aggressive, personal growth, phony, practical tips, relationships, self-care, shelter in place, social distancing, you can't go home again

Comments 1 Comment
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Anxiety, Binge drinking, Coping mechanisms, Gratitude, Long-term sobriety, Mindfulness, perimenopause, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

Practice makes patience

1 Mar

12:55 pm

I know, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted! I don’t know why, but this year has felt so full, so busy, almost overwhelming. Good and bad things, both, I guess.

And, well, the challenges continue, is all I can say! From social anxiety surrounding “you can’t go home again” relationships–ones that seem to have fractured in our absence–to my night heat and insomnia–I see my doctor in a few weeks, so maybe she’ll have a “magic pill”…haha–to our sweet girlfriend goin’ down–our dog of 12 years or so, who has so magestically endured intense osteoarthritic pain, is starting to really show signs of hitting bottom–le sigh. Sure, I’ve wanted to drink, but it never goes beyond those pangs of desperation. Not yet, anyway.

I am trying to cultivate more patience this year, but this week has really tested my resolve! I have had conflicts, let’s just say, with some of my relationships, and I’ve been mulling over just what to do about them in order to somehow resolve that conflict. It’s been bugging me, just hanging in limbo. After much thought, I guess I’ve concluded that, in sum, relationships that require too much work just need to be put to the side–maybe not forever, but for now.

It does not take work with my mom, or my boo, or those friends who don’t want anything from you and who are, in a word, OK with being vulnerable. There are a LOT of people, it seems, who are not OK with being vulnerable, and who are, um, so up in their heads that it’s simply difficult to relate.

I get it, I was there, both before and while I was getting sober; and I wasn’t easy to relate to. Maybe that’s why I see some of my fractured relationships with such clarity: I am trying to relate to someone who either does not want to, actually, relate (manipulative or narcissistic people); or to people who are not ready to relate (insecure people).

In any case, I put in some “work” this past week–a few trying phone calls, some dinners where I felt uncomfortable social anxiety–and have come to a few resolutions about some of the trickier ones. One of those is with this one person who, I feel, has not only led me on, but led a LOT of people on in terms of who she is and her intentions. I don’t know what either is, her or her intentions, but they are not what I thought (years of sweet, friendly texts, only to be responded to with a cold shoulder in real life, again and again and again). At first, I took offense; but now, I look outside and see the quiet green hills and soothing blue water; look down at my sweet girl; look at my life and how grateful I am to be here, witnessing it–and I say, let it go, she’s not ready; and, frankly, it’s neither my problem nor worth spending time trying to figure it out. Essentially, you can’t relate to someone who either simply isn’t into you or, for whatever reason, cannot relate. And, I can resolve this conflict now by stopping texting her back. And, I believe with someone as inscrutable as this woman, that’s the best thing to do.

My dad is another story, and the short of it is, he is a bipolar narcissist–who, I’ve noticed, lies a lot (maybe he did before and I just refused to see it). Anyway, we had a conversation last week that once again left me feeling confused, upset, and essentially, used–he is using his kids for a few things these days, for one as sounding boards for said lies, half-truths, and flights of fancy. If he refuses to get help, then, at a certain point, I get to say, I refuse to engage in this relationship. I talked to my mom, and she said, be prepared to emotionally block it out when you talk to him; my step-mom says, don’t feel guilty about not calling him back. Me, I just want to not relate at all. It’s one of those niggling things that makes me want to drink sometimes.

Another niggler is um, being catcalled by men stopping on the road alongside me as I’m running, and saying, need a ride? That, along with feeling like, I have no control over my body these days (night heat, insomnia!), sooooo maybe I don’t deserve control, as these men are implying as they drive by, assuming ownership?

ONE more niggler–waaaaaa, I don’t get to drink or smoke weed on the boat trip or at dinners with our friends, but everyone else gets their break; it’s just not fair!–and I just about almost inhaled the shitty white cooking wine that I was staring down in our fridge last night.

On a positive note, the night heat subsided the past 10 days–what a fucking reprieve–and, I am plugging away at my job, heading off on a trip at the end of this week (a fun one–a yoga retreat partly led by an old friend), and going away again in a few more weeks on another trip (a pseudo-fun one–a conference for work).

(On a less positive one, the day is approaching when we are actually going to have to say goodbye to our dog–my best friend; one of the anchors to our first years on island, our past; one of my sober higher powers; the one who taught me how to love myself, how to be fierce, and strong, and steadfast. My best, best girl. I know it’s probably not humane to let her shit and piss herself, but…aside from that, she’s fine, she’s fine. Ugh. I love her so much, but I will have to let her go, too.)

Most days, I cultivate a LOT of patience; some days (and nights), it gets away from me… BUT, I will not drink. Promise. I cannot drink. I deserve much more than to drink, no matter if I somehow think that it will make some of this stuff easier.

Tags: let it go, letting go of bad relationships, patience, relationships, self-care, triggers

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Boundaries, Gratitude, Life, Long-term sobriety, Recovery, Relationships, Sobriety

Cherish the moment

15 Feb

8:18 pm

Lately, I’ve been doing a LOT of thinking, working, analyzing–one day, I keep telling myself, I won’t have to do what I do for a living; one day, I can do something different. Then, I look at how much it costs to buy a home and think, um, yeah, I better keep my day job, as it were!

Anyway, this morning, I had a really nice moment:

Between the “partly” and “cloudy,” we had a few minutes of sunshine. It is truly glorious here after a short, light rain: the water gets caught in all the tropical nooks and crannies, and it makes everything sparkle as the breeze blows.

I took my coffee outside and found a patch of sun and just stood there. I noticed a HUGEASS spider–we have these crazy-big, black-and-grey, striped spiders down here, and they like to weave their nests in the bush, from branch to branch. I saw it and just stared. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw motion, and it turned out to be this orangey lizard slowly and smoothly swishing its razor-fine tail back and forth in the light. Next, I fixated on a quiet bee meandering through the air, from one landing spot to a future one, no doubt. I could hear the near-symphony of sounds, scents, and movement in the air–all enveloped in this quiet calm. There was no rush, nothing to think about, nothing to analyze. It is, to me, a heavenly place, the natural world, especially the tropical one. So much life, and crosstalk, yet complete harmony.

Ahh, I thought. I’d love to be here one day, a part of this world; no longer analyzing, or trying to remember, or attempting to capture or somehow hold onto this moment. It’s an illusion, the stress of not holding onto it; there is no need to hold what does not go away, what is constant. And, in this rare moment this morning, all I wanted to do was have this moment, to observe it, and then, let it go. And, I did.

It’s been a long year so far, with every day presenting challenges to my motivation and sanity! However, I am reminded (thankfully, on days like today) of the “real-er” world around me, the one that does not need to be understood or made better or fixed; it never needs to be analyzed; its moments are special, but they are transient and meant to be let go.

I am glad I had a moment like this, this morning, to remember that good things are coming my way; just be here, now.

Tags: be in the moment, don't overthink it, let it go, nature, nature heals

Comments 5 Comments
Categories Alcoholism, Alternative medicine, Binge drinking, Gratitude, Mindfulness, nature, Random, Sobriety

Craving carbs!

1 Feb

6:21 pm

All I want is bread. And cake. Chips, bread, cake, all the carbs!? All. The. Carbs.

Yet, I know I can’t do that. And, I know I’ve been working WAY too hard these past years, literally, to lose a few pounds around my waist–way too hard to let it slip away with a few untimely carb binges. But, I want. I want, I want, I want! Gah!

It’s been about five months since I started on a low-carb diet–well, let’s be honest, a “less carb” diet; an ATTEMPT to eat LESS carbs than I have been eating (at least since I got sober!). And, by carbs, I mean specifically bread (I’ll allow wheat bread once in a while, but it’s an arbitrary distinction), white pasta, and well, sweets, like actual sweets (cookies, cake, etc.) but also “sweets,” like anything that is a high-carb bomb (juice, fruit, um, pretty much everything that is not a vegetable and/or comes in packaging, it seems).

UGH. It is making me cray cray, this CRAVING for bread, carbs, all the carbs!? Bread and butter–YUM. And, it seems, the more I try not to eat carbs–and it’s been five months of intentional cutting back–the deeper the craving gets. Last night, I gave in and ate pita bread and white rice and like, four freaking oatmeal raisin cookies (and, of course, the topping to the rice, which was homemade chana masala–good stuff). Only to feel like a wobbling, dizzy baloon before going to bed and well, the same after waking! And, today, it’s happening again: I cannot stop eating all the things, especially chips. I got the yeast out and was trying to decide between making naan or regular white bread when I was like, gurl, what are you doing?

The reason I started on this whole low-carb thing was because, last year, I went away on a trip for about 10 days, during which time I was sort of forced to drastically change my diet–and my perimenopausal night heat (burning up, dry chills, no sweating) went away! I mean, I stopped the bread, the pasta, the snacking, and the sweets; I only had one small cup of hot coffee in the morning with my breakfast (which consisted of eggs and rice and fruit)–and, no night heat! For the first time in like, years. SO, I tried to keep that up when I got back to the States, and I thought the craving would get less as time went on, but…it seems to be getting worse. Like I’m in a carb deficit and the sinkhole just keeps getting bigger and bigger, pulling me under…! Haha.

I gained weight years ago after quitting drinking–um, I started eating instead of drinking–and it’s been a struggle to not dive into every sweet, carb, or boredom-filling whatever since then. So, it was a great feeling when I went away last September for a week or so, to not only feel better but lose weight. Now, it seems, the cravings for carbs are stronger than ever–it’s almost painful, actually, like my belly is a yawning chasm, like my mind is in a constant state of semi-anxiety over not having carbs in me. I mean, I do have carbs once in a while, but really, the pasta is out since it makes me feel bloated now, and the bread and cookies and cakes and juice, and all that–I am trying to minimize it. UNTIL…I just cannot and I binge.

I’m convinced that the severity of my perimenopausal night heat is made better by not eating carbs (which cause inflammation and other stuff, I have to assume, related to hormonal fluctuations). And, well, not eating after a certain hour. Like, if I eat dinner late, or eat in the middle of the night (out of anger or anxiety that I can’t sleep!), I feel horrible the next morning, like that food has not budged! I try not to eat late anymore, but that doesn’t always work out. I TRY not to eat carbs, but as you can tell, that isn’t always easy.

Anyway, feeling pretty good today aside from that. Any other ladies experience the same (or different) off carbs?

Tags: burning up at night, carbohydrates, change your diet, cut back on carbs, eat less carbs, inflammation, night heat, no carbs, nutrition, perimenopause

Comments 10 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Alternative medicine, Binge drinking, Cravings, Diet, perimenopause, Random, Sobriety, Women's health, Women's issues

Quiet on the outside…

19 Jan

6:36 pm

…but raging on the inside! Haha. Not really. Though, I thought this year was going to be it: the year of easy days, no mood swings, no overthinking, no dreading my work or sweating the process of it all. I can’t believe we’re 19 days into the new year! I usually feel pretty good, and motivated; past few days, not so much. Such is life.

Our dog is still going strong, though, her back legs and hind area are definitely weaker than they were a few months ago. For now, she’s managing, maybe even thriving a bit more (we are tapering her off the high dose of gabapentin she was on, and I think it’s helping her to feel stronger and more alert, more like her old self). She peed in her sleep last night, though, and that sucks; we’re used to her not being able to control where or when she poops (she just can’t move that well or that fast anymore), but not this. We’ll see; I hope it was a one-time thing…

Past few days, I’ve been angry, and feeling sensory deprived. I am pretty sure my anger is simply related to the progesterone supplement I take–I feel angry after I take it a few days in a row (and, well, um, the fact that I have this night heat, and I am in this state of flux/confusion/not knowing who I am or who I am going to be, and I just don’t appreciate it). I think that is the number one reason why perimenopause is not talked about: society won’t let women age, but also, for me, I don’t WANT to let people (even other women) know that I am aging, that I can’t take the heat (literally), that I am anything BUT who I used to be, which is young, sexual, productive, I guess. I don’t want to let it stop me from being me, to change me that much. And, the further along I go, the more I see just how little attention it gets (even my supposed menopause-specialty gynecologist was kind of like, gurl, it happens, as she ushered me out–two years later, and three meds later, I am still burning up every night). I don’t know what I want or expect from others, but I do know that this night heat is no joke.

I have to admit, the burning-up-at-night thing is getting better. And, I’m rarely brought to my knees anymore over it–haha. I just accept, and exhale, and move on, shivering and feeling oh, so pained! It’s getting better, though; I mean, it’s not as intense as it was two years ago, or a year ago, so that is something to be extremely grateful for. It still lasts from 8 pm to 3 am, or longer–I burn all night, I don’t sweat, and it is not a “flash”–but it’s not that bad. Maybe I’ve just gotten used to it; I have definitely learned to curtail my reaction to it, to embrace it as somehow normal–that goes a long way toward making it seem better. It’s all relative, I guess.

Anyway, I could go on and on about that, but it really is just a passing phase. I get the sense that my symptoms are WAY better than some women’s; then again, I don’t know if I had or have brain fog, or had or have abnormal mood swings–I lived through at least a decade of mind-bending wine hangovers, so, my “normal” was brain dead; my “normal” was like, psychotic-break-level mood swings. When I stopped drinking, I was like, omg, maybe I’m not bipolar. And, when I started taking the pill for my perimenopausal symptoms at the end of 2016, I was like, omg, maybe I didn’t have to suffer through 30 years of crazy PMS mood swings (I got my first period when I was 12; I never took the pill until I was 42). How I feel now is always going to be 1000 times better than how I felt the past decade of alcoholic drinking!

Anyway, that’s that. Anger from the meds or just general impatience (I am still working on that, believe it or not–haha). I feel agitated toward my “calling,” which is writing. I like having written, let’s put it that way! The blank page does not bother me as much as it does others, and for me, editing small quantities of writing is not bad. It’s planning, structuring, implementing long documents that gets horrendous–there are writers of books, I guess, and then there is everyone else. Writing is also extremely analytical, and, you’re doing it in a state of sensory deprivation most of the time (I love nature, the sights, sounds, smells of the world around me; writing is not that!).

And, so, it’s for these mundane reasons that I have been thinking of drinking: I want to feel something; I am bored; my mind hunts for new terrain. And, that’s when drinking-thinking comes in, to fill that desperate void: Well, why are you doing this to yourself? No one cares if you drink; everyone ELSE gets to have fun, to relax, to refresh their minds with wine (or drugs)! But, for me, I know it would not be just one glass–still, after all these years, I know this–and, I think having a hangover and being unproductive the next day would just boggle my mind and make me feel worse than I can even imagine.

So, onward we go, plugging toward the goal, the light, the future perfect (that’s a tense!). But, nothing is ever going to be perfect, or in place, or without struggle; so…finding the joy along the way, and the ability to let go of what does not serve you, which is anger and perfectionism and the desire or need to control the bad feelings; I guess that’s what the real lesson is, for me anyway, this year (this life). I guess.

Tags: anger, angry, birth control pill, birth control pill perimenopause, burning up at night, burning up but no sweat, hot flash but no sweat, hot flash that lasts all night, hot flashes, hot flushes, mood swings, neurotic, night heat, overthinking, perimenopause, progesterone, the pill

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Long-term sobriety, Mental health, perimenopause, Recovery, Sobriety, Women's health, Women's issues

Being grateful and staying present

31 Dec

3:33 pm

So, as you know, we are about to embark on a new year, a new decade, a…blah blah blah. For some reason, I just can’t this year. I can’t try that hard to have a “memorable” New Year’s Eve this year. Granted, just being sober will make it 100 percent more memorable than a lot of my past New Year’s Eves. Kidding aside, I’m just kind of burnt this year, and tired of trying to coordinate and make it happen–in spite of my own resistance, fatigue, and other people’s inability to commit. Frankly, I kind of want to spend it alone, with my dog, watching TV (my boo has to work). I have never wanted to watch television on NYE, but this year, it sounds perfectly acceptable!

What I want for myself for this new year is to stop taking people–their actions, my thoughts about their actions–personally. I think that will go a LONG way toward being grateful and staying present. Lately, I’ve found myself spiraling down my mental rabbit hole by forgetting to be grateful for the BAZILLION things that are important–my sobriety and all the past and present struggles that have come with it; our moves and moving around, which have taught us some serious lessons about who we are and what we want; my relationship; the handful of meaningful friendships that I do have in my life; my sweet dog, who is ailing and probably won’t see another holiday season, but for which I have to be grateful, and for whom I have to stay present.

Today, my big outing was taking my girl down to our local “dog beach,” which isn’t an actual public beach so it makes for a quiet setting. There is an inlet protected from the swell where she can go swimming. It was sad watching her, and I cried. I mean, I cry a little inside every time I have to carry her up the stairs, help her get up, pick up her poop on the carpet inside because she can’t control her muscles back there that well; but I don’t “cry” cry. This felt good, and I needed it; I need to start letting go.

I am not sure what is worse: having a dog that gets cancer and goes fast, or a dog who has this horrible, progressive arthritis that gradually transforms her into one that barely resembles the pup you once knew. I know, I know, she’s a dog; but, it’d be the same emotional rollercoaster with a person (it IS the same, watching my mom), only the progression would take 20 years, not two.

I was angry for a bit, like, I am never getting another dog, why bother, I don’t/can’t go through this again. But, it got me thinking, well, that is so depressing and cynical–if I lost my partner, would I choose to spend the rest of my life alone, choose to be angry and antisocial because…life? This is life, the coming and going. This is life, and it hurts, and it sucks, but…the anger and frustration is life, too. And it all passes, sooner rather than later. What can you do but choose to accept, embrace, process? What can you do but decide that you will NOT fall into the self-defeating trap of black-and-white thinking?

This year, I want to start getting past my anger and frustration regarding this general aging shit–myself, my dog, my mom and my dad, both of whom are struggling immensely with physical and mental decline. To not let perimenopausal night heat and insomnia (though, lack of sleep is its own mental health disorder) overturn my world; to not let my mom or dad’s decline influence my emotional state so much; to just love my dog and try to let it be, accept it for what it is, let it go, let HER go… I can’t live in this state of resistance all the time, but, I also don’t want to lay down and let the world run me over, like a huge ocean wave; that might lead to me giving up. I don’t ever want to give up; I don’t ever want to stop listening to the radio (Walking Dead reference, folks…!).

Sometimes, I want to drink; most times, I think, why bother? I know it won’t change anything–it’s not going to stop time, and it’s not going to change how I deal with the passing of time and aging. So, I won’t, and I’ll keep plugging: be grateful, stay present. Cry. Whisper-scream (oh, all right, just scream, but no banging on the thighs in the middle of the night as you whisper-scream).

How hard can it be? Hahaha…

Inhale, exhale, and remember: drinking only makes it better for a split second, and then it makes it much, much worse. I tell myself that every time I have recently thought, eh, maybe this is the year I start drinking in moderation, I’m ready, why not? Um, because, it won’t make anything that is good better, and it won’t fix anything that is bad–it will just make it more bad. That is logic that Wolfie-boy, drinking-brain does not like because it makes drinking seem illogical and irrational–which is what it is and why it’s so cunning and baffling; and small and ridiculous and empty.

Aight, off my box. I wish everyone a wonderful eve, spent here, there, everywhere, and nowhere–it’s all good. Be grateful and stay present. The stars keep shining, and if you let it, your head does keep wanting to look up to see them (though, we might not see Betelgeuse soon!).

Happy 2020, friends, and we’ll see you on the flip!

Tags: aging dog, aging parents, arthritis, be here now, be in the moment, dog, don't take it personally, dying dog, grateful, let it go, letting go, New Year's Eve, New Year's resolution, old parents, osteoarthritis, stay in the moment, stay present, stop taking it personally

Comments 11 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Change, Choices, Gratitude, Holidays, New Year, Psychology, Random, Recovery, Sobriety

Socializing sober–there is no escape

26 Dec

11:27 pm

I hope all are having or had a good holiday. We did, but honestly, I’m kind of glad it’s over, and I’m looking forward to a quiet New Year’s Eve with no plans (or obligations) and no cooking (or overeating). Oof! Back away from the chocolate, the cookies, the quiche, the chicken pot pie, DDG…

Maybe it was the move and all the work surrounding that both before and after, but I felt quite stressed this Christmas. Like, I don’t have kids, I didn’t travel to family and so didn’t have to buy gifts for said family; it’s not like a have a ton to do–not like my friends who are parents, who have actual long lists of things they HAVE to get done and places they HAVE to be during the holidays. I live on an island, for crying out loud! Still, I felt like there was no down time, so when Christmas finally came–well, eve and day–I was kind of relieved when it was over. Granted, I had a great time and am grateful for all of it: we had some nice food, went to two sweet beaches, did a downtown event, ran into and/or hung out with some friends–but, I’m glad to be moving into a quieter week and a quiet New Year’s Eve.

I’ve taken a step back today, finally, realizing that it has been a LOT, our move, the holidays, the job; the unpacking and shipping and sorting and planning and pondering, ruminating on where to go and whether or not we should go there. Now we’ve here, and it feels so good to finally be quiet enough, in mind and body, settled enough, to dream, to pause, to put thought to word.

All that being said, the holidays didn’t pass without some sober angst. Sometimes, I do want to drink; I just want “my” down time, “my” escape. It does get to be a slog, having to constantly be sober. Of course, I am better at redirecting my thoughts and feelings, resetting, moving forward, but I do wish I could drink now and then (without the drama, the hangovers).

Anyway, when I was getting sober, the holidays were such a big deal: I wanted to impress everyone, I stressed out a lot about how I was going to “navigate” the socializing with people who were not sober in any way, shape, or form (there is no avoiding socializing with people who are drinking or doing drugs down here, unless you make a point of only hanging with your AA or sober friends). It was exciting, to move past and over those hurdles; now, it feels a little stale. Like, I know I can do it, but why choose to do it? Why not choose social interactions with people who are purposefully present?

Like, I know I can socialize with basically anyone, in any situation; and that is sweet relief. It’s because I’ve had to practice working with, through, and around the awkwardness. I think most of us have some form of anxiety around socializing and making small talk with strangers or people we don’t know that well; but, I don’t think most people have been forced to endure it and practice getting through it–instead, most people still use (drink or drugs) to escape the pain of having to be and feel awkward. It’s not easy, and I totally understand why you’d choose escape over the reality: sometimes, the entire conversation should just be trashed after it happens; but, you keep practicing having these conversations over and over again because you have no other choice as a sober person.

These days–and particularly on Thanksgiving and Christmas days–I noticed that EVERYONE around me was drunk or high. I was like, wtf? This is just irritating me! To me, as someone who totally knows why one would use booze or drugs while socializing, it’s just an escape. So, that begs the question, am I that boring that you need to escape by smoking weed? Are you that bored out of your skull in this social situation with me that you have to do ecstasy at the table? I mean, come ON. I am ALL for freedom of choice, but, really? It’s SO inconsiderate; not that they’re drinking but that they’re escaping, and from what? Me! The situation! And, they don’t even realize it, which is something that someone who is not sober would, of course, not realize. ARGH!

It’s not that big of a deal; here, there is always a deck to watch the boats from, or a beach to go swimming in when I feel the need to escape what feels almost burdensome, being the ONLY person sober in the group. It’s something I wrestle with: am I enabling them by not saying this to their faces? Should I just hang out with different people if it bothers me that much? For the most part, these peeps are friends and most don’t overdo it; but, it’s this thing and it bugs me–still, after all these years!

Anyway, we had a good holiday but I’m looking forward to some quieting-of-mind time the next few days, hiking the hills and smelling the grasses and tropical things, listening to the sounds of the night, and letting some of these thoughts go. I don’t know what this year will bring, but I know I have to start emptying my mind of the negativity that is circular and eats away at all things expansive; I know I want to–and I hate to say it but it’s true–divest myself of the negativity in my life. I HATE using that dreadful phrase–get rid of the toxicity (am I a toxic person? you bet I am, just like you, but that doesn’t mean I should be gotten rid of)–but I really do want to focus on the positivity, on getting my fire back, on myself, frankly. I know this year is going to bring some solid changes, and I think I’m finally ready for them. I think I’m finally ready for the fruition part to happen…

Tags: Boundaries, changes, Christmas, drink to escape, New Year's, no escape, sober friends, socializing sober, use to escape

Comments 3 Comments
Categories Addiction, Alcoholism, Binge drinking, Holidays, Recovery, Sobriety, Social Anxiety, Socializing

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Drunky Drunk Girl

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